


It's Written in The Stars

by Castellation



Category: Supernatural
Genre: AU, After season 11, Amnesia, Angel Castiel, Angst, Angst and Humor, Blood Loss, Castiel in the Bunker, Castiel/Dean Winchester Angst, Coming Out, Dean Winchester and Castiel - Freeform, Dean in Denial, Death, Demons, Denial, Destiel - Freeform, Destiel kiss, Dreams, Drinking, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, First Time, Flashbacks, Fluff and Smut, Frottage, Grief, Human Castiel, Hurt, Hurt Dean Winchester, Jealous Castiel, Jealousy, Loss, Lost Love, M/M, Memory Loss, Minor Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester, My First Smut, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Castiel, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Witches, ben braeden - Freeform, castiel - Freeform, deanwinchester - Freeform, hurt comfort, part one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-11
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-08-30 08:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 113,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8525740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castellation/pseuds/Castellation
Summary: » THIS STORY IS NOW COMPLETE :) «Dean's been through hell. Literally. But sometimes, he feels he's never left, and with his recent attempt to escape the life ending in bloodshed, he feels it's a fitting place for him. So when a late night bar escapade goes awry, he becomes the subject of a twisted experiment not even he, master escape artist, can evade. But sometimes, things are just written in the stars, things that no one can evade. Even the bad. And sometimes, all you can do, is pray that you'll make it out alive.» THE SEQUEL, 'Falling', IS NOW UP «





	1. This Isn't Dr. Phil

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this chapter to my friend Faith; without you, this entire story would probably still be sitting in my drafts collecting internet dust. :,) So thanks for encouraging me to do this, and being a great friend. 
> 
> Also, let me know if I'm a shitty Sam or Cas in future chapters. XD
> 
> Also, readers, excuse any errors, grammatical, or punctual, I may have made. I did my best. :,)

One 

 

"Dean, it's not your fault." 

"The hell it isn't." I snapped, rubbing my fingers on the bridge of my nose. "I could've saved them..." 

"You already know you can't save everyone." Sam gently grabbed my shoulder, turning me to towards him, his eyes wide with empathy and understanding. "Dean, I know this is hard, but-" 

"Sam!" I snapped, pushing him away. "What is this, Dr. Phil? I'm fine." 

"Dean-"

"Sam, I said it's fine damn it!" I yelled, the abrupt silence following my outburst slicing through the air like a knife,, causing a pang of guilt to rush through me as I turned away and reached into the fridge, grabbing a beer, popping the top off, the top clattering to the floor loudly in the silence.

I could sense his uncertainty warring with his desire to comfort me, and after taking a gulp of the beer, I turned to face him. 

"You know what, I'm going out." I stepped past him towards to hallway. 

"Not alone you're not." Sam rebuked me. "You're not fit to drive." 

"Sam, I'll be fine, this is my first beer." I set the beer down on the table with extra care, raising my hands up in feigned surrender. "I'm just going for a drive, okay?" 

Sam continued to stare at me unconvinced before finally heaving a sigh, brushing back his hair with his hand. 

"Fine. Just don't do anything stupid." 

"Okay mom." 

He frowned at me before leaving the room, his footsteps fading away in his departure. 

Once I was sure he was gone, a smirk rose on my face as I picked the beer back up off the table, taking a big swig of it, wishing the numbing feeling that alcohol promised would came faster. 

With a sigh, I grabbed the impala keys and after making a quick stop in my room to put on my shoes and coat, I headed out of the bunker, up the stairs and out the heavy metal door, the muggy night air enveloping around me like a sweaty embrace. 

The sky was extra dark, no stars to be seen. 

A storm was coming; the trees around me were bending and creaking unwillingly against the harsh wind. 

I took another sip of my beer, walking up to the impala, which I had left outside since we had come back from our failed run. Sliding the key in the lock, I unlocked the door, opening it with its familiar squeak, and sliding into the car. 

It smelled the same as it always did; leather, pine, and just slightly, alcohol, but for once, I hated the sight and smell of my beloved car. Sliding the key in the ignition, the impala roared to life with its familiar rumble as I sipped the last of my beer.

With disgust and frustration that I still felt far too sober, I tossed the empty bottle to the side, ignoring where it landed as I released the clutch and coaxed the car into motion, a tiny pang of guilt nagging at me since I had desecrated my shrine of a car, the bottle clinking on the floor as it rolled around. Not much self respect now, not that I had much to begin with.  

Everything blurred together as I drove the twenty miles out to town, pulling into the very first bar I saw.  
I hardly paid attention to anyone as I walked up to the bar, quickly ordering two shots of whatever was strongest in the house.  
A few more later, everything was hazy, just how I wanted it to be.  
I wasn't thinking of those blood curling screams as I flirted with some chick.  
I didn't think of that small, lilting laugh when Bar Girl laughed.  
I wasn't thinking of that small face, brown eyes; I was only thinking of how my body was tingling with euphoria, bliss, and freedom and how light I felt. 

It was all so good; the laughter, the feel of the liquid sliding down my throat like water, the burn long gone. 

The electricity in the air, the smell of warm, sweaty bodies pressed up against each other, the music pounding in my ears. 

It was intoxicating. 

It was mind numbing, and that's what I wanted in spades. 

The warm fuzz settled in my brain, making everything comfortably numb, and everything lost its razor sharp edges. 

Bar Girl had somehow convinced me to dance, I couldn't remember how, but frankly, I was too wasted to care. 

All I cared about were the sensations skating across my skin.

Bar Girl's blonde hair dancing with every swish, her fingers brushing across my skin beneath my shirt, sending sparks to my core. The delicate hands framing my face, warm lips pressing to mine; her warm breath against mine tasted of vodka and mint in a strange, yet intoxicating mix. 

"I'll be back." Bar Girl whispered, hiking a finger in the waistband of my jeans, her breath warm against my cheek, lips warm as she kissed my jaw. 

"Sure you don't want me to come babe?" Holding my beer in one hand, I trailed my left hand down to the small of her back, lifting her shirt up slightly to rub her skin. 

She smiled sensuously, putting her hand behind my head, pulling me down to her level. 

"Meet me in the bathroom in five minutes." She purred, her lips just barely grazing my ear, causing a shiver to rush down my spine. 

She released her grip on me, smirking as she stepped back, turning around and sashaying through the crowd, a thrill of euphoria and excitement rushing through me. I could feel my abdomen grow taunt in excitement and anticipation. 

The minutes dragged by as slowly as a snail, and finally, unable to withhold myself any longer, I gulped down the last of my beer, making my way towards the back of the bar, where my salvation awaited. 

Everything became blurred and muddled as my senses and guard began to crumble, my hand on the bathroom door, twisting the grimy knob, and pushing it open. 

The room was pitch black, but as I opened my mouth to call out for Bar Girl, a mouth was upon mine, pulling, tugging me back. 

I obliged complacently, tangling my fingers in her hair, kicking the door closed with my foot. 

Abruptly, she stopped, backing away from me. 

I huffed at the loss of contact, a tremble rushing through me. I heard a swish, like clothes being dropped to the floor and I held back a groan. 

I expected soft skin to be against mine, but the sharp, near bone shattering blow given to me in the back of the head sent me sprawling to the grimy floor, my teeth coming down hard on my tongue, instantly drawing the rusty sweet tang of blood. 

Instinctively I rolled over, blinking in a vain effort to see what the hell was going on. Before I could even raise my fist, a fist cracked against my jaw, hard enough for me to see white spots for a fraction of a second, as well as a sudden rush of a repulsive smell that was vaguely familiar, but in the moment, it was the least of my concerns. 

I heard a grumbling laugh before the numbing shock pulled me under.


	2. Bondage, and Not The Kind You Want To Be In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I set this story about a year after the events of season eleven, so I'll keep things (mostly) canonical up till that point. 
> 
> I won't have really any of the events from season twelve in this story, or Mary, because honestly, I don't really like the storyline all that much or Mary. Sorry about that, lol. I just feel that she is now too weak of a character and her earlier portrayals were far stronger and I'd just rather keep her earlier image in this story. 
> 
> But then again, I semi-hated s6-7, but now I absolutely love them, so maybe s12 will hold that same charm for me later on. But for now, this how this story is going to be, and I'll shut up now. 
> 
> Let me know what you think. :,)

two

I groaned, my head pounding.

In two seconds, I realized three things with sinking clarity.

One, I was hungover, the slowly dying grip the alcohol had over me leaving with brutal farewell, causing my head to spin and pulse, my vision blurry.

Two, my left jaw hurt like a son of a bitch, flaring in protest as I opened my mouth. It wasn't broken, but it might as well have been with how much it hurt. And if that wasn't enough, the back of my head was achingly tender, sticky; my hair felt matted to my head.

And lastly, I was in chains, my arms bound by my wrists to the wall, cold metal hugging around my skin just above my ankles as well as my wrists.

Judging by the way my arms and legs had little to no feeling in them, I had been there for hours, my ass numb from sitting on the hard, cold floor.

Blinking rapidly, I bit my lip as I struggled to focus myself, my head all but warring against me.

From what I could gather, I was in a tiny room, the only light provided for me was the light beneath the doorway that closed me in, two large jagged cracks along the bottom.

 _Like that's fucking necessary_ , I thought cynically, yanking my arms at the chains, which only sent painful tingles down my arms from the lack of movement in hours.

The room was cold, and I shivered, realizing that my jacket was gone, as was the knife in my boots.

So whoever had fucking captured me had frisked me as well.

I cursed in the dark, the pounding in my head increasing.

_Damn it, was it that chick from the bar?_

She had to have set me up.

I groaned in frustration, yanking at my chains needlessly, the metal click resounding off the walls of the tiny room.

Judging by the echo, the room couldn't have been bigger than a normal sized bathroom, but it reeked of must and mold, the wall my arms were bound to were slick and grimy with various growths I didn't even want to think about.

I growled, moving my legs, but the chains gave away about as much give as the ones holding my arms did, only sending spasms of pain rushing up to my skull and I was barely able to turn my head to the side before my body heaved its displeasure, my ears roaring.

I wasn't sure how long it lasted, only that it left my throat burning and raw, leaving my mouth tasting of acid and bile with no water or toothpaste to remedy it.

I gingerly leaned my head back against the wall, trying to ignore the rancid smell of the vomit beside me, my head spinning in new fervor.

Closing my eyes, I focused on listening to see if I could try and pick up any clues on where I was.

A pang raced through me as I suddenly thought of Sam, wondering if he had noticed my absence, but judging on how numb my appendages were from lack of movement, I would say he had.

My eyes suddenly flew open as I realized that I had brought my phone with me and it was improbably still tucked away in my jacket pocket. Maybe Sam had the GPS turned on my phone when I wasn't looking before I left. Sam could be a sneaky little bastard and I hoped to god that he had gotten a chance to ease his worries.

I exhaled, blue eyes flashing across my mind.

 _Cas_.

Blinking, I looked up, forcing air to rise out of my scorched mouth.

"Cas, I hope you've got your ears on because I could use a little help." I chuckled humorlessly. "I'm sure Sam has filled you in already and I'm not sure if the angel GPS is working, but if you could get your ass here soon that'd be great."

I fell silent, waiting to feel that familiar warmth, that heat that would rush through me right before Cas would appear before me, along with that burst of wind that would announce his presence. It was strange, like a link between us, and I would always know when he had heard me.

I waited.

Nothing.

"Damn it." I shallowly muttered.

The bastards holding me must've put up angel warding.

A pang of fear rushed through me.

That was never a good sign, anyone who knew enough to put up angel warding was doing some dark shit, and knew exactly what they were doing.

It at least narrowed the list down somewhat; demons, witches, some crazy sons of bitches doing a ritual.

Another thought struck me, this one scarier than the first.

_Maybe it was all to get me._

Thinking back on it, it was strange how Bar Girl seemed to choose me over the guy who had been currently garnering for her attention, how she bought me drink after drink, her blue eyes watching me with what I now realized wasn't lust, but rapt focus to make sure I was drinking the poison she offered.

 _And I had fallen right into it_...

"Damn it..." I muttered aloud again.

I should've stuck with my pact to quit picking up chicks from the bar after the incident with Lydia.

I shuddered, pushing away Emma's pleading face.

Despite the sharp pang that tore through me when Sam had killed her, I was glad he had done what I couldn't in a thousand years bring myself to do, not that there was any way in hell I'd tell him that.

I sighed aloud, looking back towards the faint light coming in underneath the crack of the door, a roach skittering across the threshold.

I turned away, closing my eyes as I tried to imagine the sounds I was hearing was just water dripping off the walls and not thousands of roaches crawling over the walls.

I inhaled, preparing myself for the inevitable wait.

\------

Time passed.

Minutes.

Hours.

Days.

I could no longer feel my arms or legs, or really any part of my entire body, which had gone completely numb from lack of movement. My scalp itched from the dried blood on the back of my head, and my jaw had to have been purple from the blow I had taken.

My mouth was so dry I couldn't swallow, and it felt like it had burned away with acid from my retching awhile before. My lips had begun to split and bleed from lack of moisture, my stomach shriveling in upon itself in search of nutrients.

It felt like I was grape out in the sun, slowly shriveling in on myself till I was nothing but a wrinkled shell of my old self.

I had stopped listening to every little sound, because they were all the same.

And the smell, I was lucky to have finally gotten used to it because it got even worse when I could no longer wait to relieve myself, and it had become unbearable to sit still after that, but I could do nothing about it.

Soon, all I could hear was running water, smell the mouth watering aroma of a cheeseburger, taste its juices running amok in my mouth.

Or how fucking great it would be to shower.

And give that bitch who set me up a piece of my mind.

Suddenly with no warning, I was plunged into light, instantly and efficiently being blinded.

I heard a lock being twisted, the door to my cell creaking open.

A low, grumbling laugh reached my ears and as I desperately fought to regain my vision, a foot kicked at the side of my knee and I hoarsely gasped in surprise and pain.

"Well, considering your rep, I expected more from you, Winchester." The eerie laugh grated against my ears and my vision slowly began to return to me.

"But, then again, we had completely blind sided you. Human weaknesses are always your downfall."

I was finally able to decipher a form, a man, crouching at my feet, his skin dark.

Then I smelled it.

"Had a feeling you sons of bitches were behind this." I smirked.

"There's that spark I've heard about." The demon flashed its black eyes at me before standing back up, its meatsuit a sharply dressed man in a suit, his brown hair combed back carefully.

"So what, you getting off of on me being bound like this?" I ignored the jolts of pain through my arms as I moved my arms for emphasis.

The demon scoffed.

"As much as it'd please your overblown ego, no." The demon looked up and I followed his gaze to the doorway, where two more demons had entered, angel blades in their hands.

"So what, you've just hung me out dry just to kill me? You sure do know how to treat a girl." I grinned, ignoring the ice cold tendrils of fear beginning to pump in my veins.

The demon rolled its eyes, snatching an angel blade from one of the demons and before I could hardly blink, the blade was against my throat, the demon glaring into my eyes with bloodlust, a malicious grin rising on its face as I stared him down, the back of my bruised head throbbing as I pressed it against the wall to evade the edge of the blade the best I could.

"Boys, don't harm another hair on this precious head, I've got big plans for this one." He said, a devious grin splitting across his face.

Then with a flick of his fingers, everything went black.

\------

"Rise and shine sleepyhead."

I felt a sharp slap across the cheek that was tender from the punch I had been given and I jerked awake, gasping in shock.

"Oh good, I didn't want to do this when you were asleep."

Blinking, I turned away from the bright light that hovered above me and looked to the side, struggling to catch up to the moment.

I had been moved to a lab of some sort, strapped down to an operating table, the smell of herbs, sulfur and bleach meeting my nose in a distasteful symphony.

"You." I spat as my eyes landed on the blonde chick who had set me up in the bar, smirking at me as she leaned up against the table. " _Bitch_."

"Please," she purred. "Call me Deyanira."

"I think I'll stick with bitch."

Suddenly she clenched her hand and I started choking, turning to the side as blood came pouring out of my mouth as my insides burned with agony.

Then just as quickly, it stopped and I was left spitting blood and gasping for air.

"You know, if it wasn't for Nero, you'd be dead by now." Deyanira said casually, like she was merely telling me about her day.

"But my," she turned back around, a needle in her hand connected to an IV cord, dark red, almost black liquid dripping down into it from the IV bag. "Don't I enjoy the plans he had for you."

"I sure hope it doesn't involve a camera."

She looked at me, her face a mix of amusement and scorn.

"I see that your reputation about laughing death in the face proceeds you."

"I'm not going to die, I was promised by the sulfur bag himself, and you know how demons keep their word." I shifted on the table. "Besides, I want to see the look on your faces when my brother-"

"And your angel pet finds me, yeah, sure." She giggled, flicking her finger against the needle, a few drops of the dark red liquid dripping out, before she turned around, the crinkling of a soft plastic rising in the air. "Were you banking on this?"

She dangled a bag in the air, where the shattered and crushed remains of my cell phone sat.

_Son of a-_

I stayed silent, refusing to give her the reaction she wanted.

She smirked, turning and tossing the bag back on the counter carelessly.

"Don't expect your angel to hear your, _prayers_ , either," she said it slowly, making 'prayer' sound like a dirty word and I scowled. "Just be a good little pet and you'll be treated well."

She giggled, as if laughing at a private joke with herself, and I opened my mouth to retort, but I gasped as I was helpless to stop her from sticking the needle into my vein on my arm, the sharp, seemingly careless insertion startling me.

I struggled uselessly against the bonds, but the effort was futile as she taped the needle to my arm to keep it steady and stepped back, clasping her hands together with a laugh.

"What are you laughing at?" I snapped, glaring at her. "I'll get out of this."

"That remains to be seen." She smirked. "Now, Winchester," she snapped her fingers. "Sleep."

And with a snap of her fingers, everything went black.


	3. Ghost and Demons

Three

I blinked, still finding myself in semi-darkness instead of the bunker like I was seconds ago, which had ended up being yet another dream.

I was still bound, but didn't feel any of the numbing pain anymore, much less anything.

It was quiet, my only companions the pungent smell and familiar light beneath the door, the only difference being was the steady dripping sound that had long since stopped bugging me with its repetitive sound.

_Drip._

_Drip._

_Drip._

I began to sync it with my breath for lack of entertainment like I had begun to days ago.

_Inhale. Drip._

_Exhale. Drip._

_Inhale. Drip._

_Exhale. Drip._

I briefly wondered again what they were putting inside me, but now, I was too tired and weak to care anymore.

_Drip._

_Drip._

No Sam.

_Drip._

_Drip._

No Cas.

_Drip._

_Drip._

Nobody.

Despite myself and Sam and Cas' hindrances to locating me, I began to lose faith in them.

Besides, how long had I been here? A week? Two? Three?

I knew I couldn't survive much longer, only having had a couple pieces of stale bread and an occasional tiny cup of water, given to me grudgingly and sloppily, most of it not even making it to my mouth.

 _Maybe this is karma_... I had mused to myself. _Besides, I got them killed..._

_Stop it._

I would then shake my head, dispelling the memories before they could come, which had proven difficult to do when I had absolutely nothing else to do.

Those were the times I despised.

When I was alone with nothing to occupy my thoughts but my shortcomings.

Sometimes, even alcohol failed me and I was left writhing in my bed for hours, unable to sleep.

I would never take a walk around the bunker or go out for a drive, because despite how Sam slept, he had the ears of a dog when I left my room, finding me or calling me if I was on a drive.

Although I was the same way with him, I wished at times he would just leave me be, but I knew how deadly the factor of him not knowing where I was could be with our lives, like how it was biting me in the ass this time.

_If I had only gone for a drive like I'd said..._

Then again, Sam and I could read the subtext of what the other was saying so easily, we might as well have been saying it aloud; I was sure he had known I had stopped at a bar.

My trail must've stopped cold there though, because here I was, still here, battling away my demons that toyed and desecrated my battle scarred mind, laughing and teasing me with fleeting images and memories I never wanted to revisit.

Despite how good I'd gotten over the years of blocking things out, things always slipped through the inevitable cracks.

Sometimes, they came in the form of nightmares, which had me startling awaken, jerking in an animalistic fashion at my chains, sweating and panting like a dog in summer, my heart beating a erratic tattoo in my chest.

Other times, I would see them, physically see them.

It couldn't be possible, and I knew first hand the difference between illusions and reality, partially the reason I had rubbed my wrists against my cuffs until they bled to battle them away, but still, I saw them.

Their eyes, blue, brown, green, hazel; each and every pair of eyes I'd failed to save, pupils blown wide with fear, anguish and sometimes, anger, which was the worst.

Those eyes, belonged to fighters, the ones who would battle, cut and bleeding till the very end, refusing to give up even when all was lost.

Those eyes were the worst, because you knew, that even when they had passed, they were still fighting, kicking, clawing and screaming for it all back.

There was no true peace for them, and at times, I wondered if burning their bones was enough.

My illusions didn't stop there, alone in the dark, I could've sworn about a dozen times, I'd heard whispers, tiny voices crying out, asking why hadn't I saved them, why them, how have they wronged, and why wasn't God and his angels watching over them?

I would never have an answer, and it wasn't until tears were streaming down my face when then they would stop, transforming into malicious, sardonic, mocking laughs, cutting and grating against my weary heart.

It eventually got better, until I became so numb I no longer heard, saw or dreamt of anything, and if I wasn't so dumb with emptiness, I probably would've wished they were still around to fill my void.

At times, when I had enough energy, usually after I was fed a measly slice of hard bread and a tiny cup of water, I would ponder over it.

The numbness I felt was similar, if not, exactly like how I felt right before I went to hell; the gaping, black hole that stretched endlessly before me. There was no up, around, or digging through it, there was only one way through it, and that was down.

Down, down, down, into a pain so all consuming, it was all you felt, and seemingly, all you've ever known.

It would thread itself into every cell, every atom within you, till you began to wonder if you were ever really happy at all; it made happy a mere word, just a passing thought, something you heard of, but never really thought about.

It was like the sun - you knew it was there, you just never paid much mind to it.

All I cared about was that I no longer saw them, the pair of chocolate brown eyes, wide and trusting, thinking, expecting, that I would save the day like I'd always have.

_But I had failed._

They were gone, the memories, a piece of me, all of it. Just gone, dust scattered in the wind, until it was so fine it would cut against me like sand being tossed up at bare skin from the wind, stinging, and everywhere all at once. But you couldn't ever stop the pain because it was in too many numerous places, so much so, that it made it damn near impossible to even find a place to begin.

Now though, their voices were silent along with the other ones, and I no longer cared to think about them.

Instead, my time was spent devising ways to escape. How I could break free of these chains then find those sons of bitches and strap them down to a table and run a blade nice and slow down their skin until I had them screaming for mercy, a luxury I wouldn't give.

 _Whoa there._.. I abruptly thought to myself in surprise, a small part of me wondering where the sudden violence had come from.

I wasn't given much time to think it through like I had expected, as the door was opened and I was flooded with light again from the hallways, but my eyes didn't have to adjust at all.

All I heard was the steady heartbeat, ever calm and ever so alive.

The demon stepped towards me, a bored expression etched onto its meat suit, a slice of bread in his hands.

"Hey," I said hoarsely. "Could you loosen these? They're a little tight."

I jiggled my arms, and his eyes landed on my bloodied wrists, where I had been desperately rubbing at the cuffs trying to escape.

When they had first noticed that my wrists were bleeding from rubbing against them, they had tightened my cuffs to prevent any movement, but they finally gave up when I still managed to complete the feat.

He looked back at me blandly, as if he wasn't sure if I was serious or not.

I jiggled my arms again, unable to withhold a wince when the metal rubbed against my raw skin.

A beat passed before he knelt down to stuff the bread in my mouth, pulling out a set of keys from his back pocket after he'd done so. He pulled out a keyring with an impressive amount of keys dangling on it and he deftly chose mine, clicking it in the cuffs.

I jerked my hand as soon as I felt the metal move, causing him to drop the keys as he moved to slam my forearm in place with bruising force against the wall and I dropped the bread out of my mouth as I hissed in pain.

"You don't need it." The demon sneered, replacing his keys in his pocket after he retightened the cuff.

"Could you at least pick up my bread then." I asked back with just as much venom.

He just stared at me dubiously.

"You want me alive don't you?" I snapped hoarsely.

The demon glared at me, inching closer with an aggravated sigh, kneeling down and reaching around me to grab the bread.

When his head was directly beneath mine, I mashed my teeth together and brought my chin down on top of the back of his head as hard as I could, a sickening crunch of bones reverberating up my jaw.

The demon jerked backwards, stumbling onto his ass and before I knew it, I was being roughly shoved up against the wall, a hand at my throat.

"Nero, it's time."

I blinked, struggling against the hand that held me down, which I finally recognized to be the demon in the suit I'd met weeks earlier, only something seemed different about him, but I couldn't ponder over it for long before Deyanira flicked her fingers from her post in the doorway, making everything go black.

\-------

I gasped, opening my eyes as my body convulsed on the table.

_Damn it._

I was back in the small lab, bound and near blinded by the same damn light.

"What, were chains not your style?" I sneered when I caught sight of Deyanira at the foot of the operating table, jerking my hands and feet in the leather bonds I was bound by.

She merely looked at me and smirked, clicking her pen as she finished writing whatever she was writing in her undoubtedly crappy doctor writing.

_Too bad I wasn't trapped on an episode of Dr. Sexy._

"Kinky, are we?" She said with a teasing smirk as she turned towards to counter she had been leaning on. "How are you feeling?"

I furrowed a brow, looking around the tiny room where only her and I were before returning to burning a hole in the back of her skull with my eyes.

"Since when do evil skanks worry about others?"

She merely chuckled, her pen scratching across paper.

"What is it, huh? You writing poetry? Maybe to a black-eyed meatsuit?" I prodded, trying to get a rise out of her. "Or, how come a witch is dealing with a demon? You lose your members pass to evil book club?"

She sighed, turning to me with a grin instead of an exasperated expression like I expected.

"Because, finally, we got the brains to come together and explore science." She was beaming as she came back to my IV bag, flicking the dark red, almost black blood (I was assuming) that was still draining into me with her index finger.

"Science?" I said incredulously. "Since when do monsters give a crap about science?"

"When they find out that they can become Gods." She crossed her arms, looking absolutely gleeful.

"Gods? Yeah, isn't that just peachy." I grumbled, yanking at my bonds again, Cas' misadventure with becoming 'God' flashing through my mind, his face marred with black ooze.

"Humans, so dull minded." She shook her head disdainfully and I scoffed.

"Take a look in the mirror princess."

She looked at me, a grin rising on her face along with a strange, wicked gleam in her eyes that made me feel like she knew something sinister that I didn't.

 _Great revelation Dean.._.

"How's your chin? Is it hurting after you thrashed it hard enough into your guards' skull it bled?"

She smirked at me and I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

Why _wasn't_ my chin hurting like a son of a bitch? After the blow I had dealt, I shouldn't be able to open my mouth without excruciating pain, or really at all. I'd heard my bone _crack_. And what about the back of my head and cheek? They were no longer tender with slowly healing skin, they felt... fine. Like nothing had happened.

"I'm sure you've stuffed me with aspirins and a whole bunch of other crap." I retorted, pushing aside my sudden revelation.

She rolled her eyes, snapping her fingers as the door to the lab was opened, my 'guard', stepping inside without so much as a look at me.

"Take him back to his cell. Oh, and no food or water for the next three days."

 _Fuck_.

The demon smirked, this time looking me head on.

A burst of anger flashed through me, and I growled, growled like a fucking animal when he took a step closer to me.

He stopped in his tracks, his face going white in fear.

I kept my eyes glued on him, yanking hard at my bonds, the leather creaking in protest as it struggled to hold me in place.

"Fascinating!" Deyanira exclaimed in a high, giddy voice, the demon flicking his eyes over in her direction before flicking back to me. "Step closer."

"What?" The demon spat, his voice high and incredulous.

"Did I stutter? Step closer. _Now_!" She yelled when the demon made no move to comply to her request.

He took a tiny step toward, my muscles tensing in response.

"Closer."

The demon flicked a pleading glance her way before inching forward again, another growl rising in my chest.

"Closer."

The demon was now at the foot of the operating table I was strapped to, his body all but touching the table.

Suddenly, a piercing alarm screamed through the air, causing everyone to jump, giving me the perfect opportunity.

I lunged up, the bonds around my hands snapping like twigs, as I surged forward to wrap my fingers around the demon's neck.

"Clear the lab!" Deyanira screamed, panic rising in her voice as she flicked her hand, sending me backwards back on the table, my body frozen in place.

"Get him out of here, he's crucial test data that's nearly complete." She shoved the demon back towards me, pushing the operating table I was on closer to the door. "And don't worry about him, he's not going anywhere."

She anxiously shoved the demon and my table towards the door, which spurred him into action.

She opened the door for us, ushering us outside before she dashed down the hallway, people running about frantically.  
The demon shoved me in the opposite direction, where the hallway grew darker and I struggled against the invisible force holding me down.

The alarm continued to blare through the hallways like an eerie scream, the nervous energy crackling through the air like a whip.

Then a thought crossed my mind.

_Had Sam and Cas finally found me?_

"Cas! Sam!" I called out, my heart beating wildly in my chest.

The demon looked at me quizzically, then, I felt it.

That familiar warmth when he'd heard me.

" _Castiel_!" I screamed, my veins coming alive in excitement.

The demon finally caught onto what I was doing and with brutal force, slammed his fist into my head, instantly making everything go black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eek. Another chapter ending with being knocked out. *sweats nervously*
> 
> I apologize in advance for all and any future chapters that may end that way... XD my chapters write themselves most of the time and it's just how they turn out. *shrugs*
> 
> If you would leave some kudos below I would really appreciate it. <3 also, feel free to comment, I love reading your thoughts!


	4. Expiration Date

Four

I shuddered, coughing and blinking, working to focus my eyes in the dim light.

I was still on the operating table, bound by chains instead of leather straps like before.

Tugging at my chains, I rolled my head around, my eyes landing on Deyanira, who was in the midst of drawing an angel warding sigil on the wall of the tiny, poorly lit room that we were in with what appeared to be her own blood.

The room seemed to be a bunker, dank, and musty from lack of fresh air.

Somewhere underground most likely.

Deyanira turned, a bowl in her hand, her right hand crimson red as she reached out to draw the last line in the sigil.

"Forget a little something for that monthly issue?"

She turned to me, her round, soft cheekbones spotted with flecks of blood.

"Like a witch would need to worry about that." She said, her face deadpan as she turned back to finishing up an angel warding sigil, which was one among at least ten other various sigils, some I'd never seen before.

I pursed my lips, mulling it over a second before nodding.

"Someone reach their expiration date?"

She paused, turning to look at me, her lips tugging into a ghost of a smirk.

"For someone who prides himself in being a hero, you seem awfully cool with the fact that I have a bowl of the blood I drained from someone in my hand." Her smirk faded, her eyes watching me with hawk-like intensity, reminding me of another set of eyes that had the same sharp focus, except these eyes set me in edge.

"It's probably that sulfur bag's blood, or another one of those sons of bitches. It reeks of them in here." I made a show of crinkling my nose in disgust, curious when she started laughing. "Don't you start writing poems to me now..."

"Again, awfully cool with the current predicament." She held up the bowl of blood. "You do realize demons wear meatsuits, which come from the North Pole with something called an essence? A soul? It's a package deal, can't have one without the other. Which means," she had walked up to me, dipping a dainty finger in the bowl, slicking it with blood, running it down my neck, to mid-chest, her eyes glimmering with sick pleasure. "The demon is as dead as the host. Or, in your unabashed pride, did the ends justify the means? Or should I say, the _murder_."

She grinned cheekily at me, her white teeth seemingly glowing in the faint light.

I gritted my teeth, unable to respond to that.

"Nothing to say? I understand, what would you have to say when it's your fault your previous little summer fling and bastard child are dead?"

My eyes snapped towards hers and her eyes glittered, knowing she had me.

"Oh yes, I know about your precious little pair." She licked her lips, her gaze hungry and malevolent. "I also know how low their pain tolerances were when I peeled their skin off."

"You bitch." I growled, yanking violently at my chains. "You're _lying_."

She merely grinned, the look in her eyes so cold and barren my skin broke into a fever of goosebumps, and I knew. I knew that despite every cell in my body screaming for that day to have just been a nightmare, it wasn't. And she wasn't lying.

_All the blood... The remains, the smell..._

_The frozen panic in their dead eyes-_

"Hmm, not much for vocabulary either, are we?" She shook her head disdainfully, breaking me out of my agonizing remembrance, turning back towards the wall, ignoring my last sentence altogether. "Guess a GED and 'give em' hell' attitude isn't quite enough."

I snarled, yanking at my iron manacles, wondering how in the hell she knew that and she merely laughed.

"It's a wonder what a blood spell will tell you." She looked pointedly at my arm, which was still penetrated by the needle, slowly dripping black crimson blood into me. "If I didn't know anything about anatomy, I would say the only thing holding you together was self indulgence, self hatred, self punishment - shall I continue with the 'selfs'?"

She laughed, turning to look at me, her blue eyes glittering.

"And your denial, oh, it's just delicious." She purred. "Your foundation is built on the stuff."

She chuckled, looking down at her blood soaked index finger, as if she was holding a piece of the universe on it.

"It's quite hilarious, actually." She looked up at me, her lips pulled back into a grin.

"Is this some kind of strange kink of yours?" I scoffed.

"Ah, back at it again with the snarky, witty comebacks. I must say, that part of your reputation precedes you." She pointed at me, before turning back to her grisly art. "But I think that's the best part."

"You just going to dissect my personality or kill me already?"

She whipped around, mockingly pressing a hand to her heart as she gasped.

"Kill you? Oh my dear pretty Winchester, I would never do such a thing. My hands are clean." I looked pointedly at her stained hands and the bowl with its grisly contents and she inhaled. "Oh, that was necessary. I mean, it was for a good cause, right?"

She tilted her head, frowning before spinning around, completing the circle to the devils trap she was drawing.

"I mean, you know very well that casualties are the spoils of war. It's just a means to an end."

"But you're needlessly killing." I snarled.

"Like you don't?" She said easily, a grin apparent in her voice. "Don't act like you're such an angel, you went to hell and started the damn apocalypse. It wasn't until your boy toy came to rescue you did you stop torturing innocents. Oh, did I touch too deep?" She paused, smiling a shit-eating grin at me when she heard my scoff. "You can't deny it Emerald Eyes."

She touched my cheek with a dainty finger and I turned away.

"For someone who loves his women, you're definitely not afraid to dip your toes in the pool."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I growled.

She laughed.

"Ah Emerald Eyes, think back to what I said your foundation was." She tapped a finger to her temple, putting the crimson stained bowl on the floor, admiring her work on the walls around us.

"Why the devils traps?" I asked, ignoring her previous statement. "I thought you had the hots for one." I nodded to a particularly large sigil and she merely grinned, giving me the inkling of the idea that she again knew something I didn't.

"Can't be too careful." She nodded to herself. "I see you're ignoring the obvious again."

"What?" I asked. "That I'm not your demon lover?"

"The fact that I'm right and you refuse to admit it."

"I'm not admitting it because you're wrong."

"Really?" She kneeled down next to me, her mouth next to my ear. "So, it's not your fault that more people you try to save die in the crossfire? Or," she trailed a finger across my forehead. "The fact that Ben and Lisa are dead?"

I snarled at her, nearly choking at the sharp flash of pain that surged through my chest.

"Nothing to say to that, huh?" I could hear the smirk in her voice. "If only you hadn't gone back, if only you hadn't taken things back up with Lisa, maybe, just maybe, she would be alive, along with her sweet little boy."

I jerked at the manacles surrounding my wrists, wishing, just picturing, my fucking fist driving itself into her fucking pretty little face.

Actually, her face wouldn't be pretty when I was done with it, I'd make damn sure that no amount of makeup or damn spells could fix that when I was done with it.

"Oh, if only you could drive a fist in my face or slice my throat." Deyanira dramatically sighed, resting her head on her hand, tracing her index finger over the bridge of my nose, to my cheek bones, to my jawline, my blood boiling at her touch. "But wouldn't that just prove my point on senseless murder?"

"Oh sweetheart, killing you wouldn't be considered murder." I snarled, turning to face her, the smug look in her eyes abruptly giving way to fear, but it was quickly gone.

"Then you must be a serial killer by now." She snarled, the smug look gone, replaced with a fiery anger that took me aback for a split second. "It's a wonder you don't leave a brand on your victims."

Then, with a quick uttering of latin and a wave of her hand, my blood was on fire. It literally felt like every vein was housing bubbling lava, and every cell was smoldering and imploding in its wake and my vision all but left me in gold sparks.

I gasped in surprise, unable to withhold my cry of pain as Deyanira laughed, mocking and degrading.

"Oh Emerald Eyes," she purred, her voice barely registering in my mind above the inane rushing and roaring in my head. "You'll thank me later."

Suddenly, the door to the bunker flung open with such force it slammed against the wall, concrete cracking in protest.

"Y-you... You shouldn't be able to get in here!" Deyanira screamed, her voice high and trembling in pure terror.

"You're not as erudite as you perceived."

The sound of flesh being burned from the inside out, along with the smell of scorched skin, filled the air in a pungent harmony, but none of it mattered, because instantly, I knew who it was as soon as I heard him.

"Cas..." I choked, my vocal cords barely cooperating with me.

"Dean." I vaguely felt a cool hand on my forehead, soft, but hard with callouses from wear and tear on the thumbs in particular. "Dean, are you alright?"

I winced as I felt him remove the needle from my arm, and a fraction of the burning subsiding in response, but internally I was still on fire, in an endless, searing agony.

Next, I felt the manacles clamped around my wrists and ankles released and I wildly groped the air, my right arm finding purchase on something, which I vaguely realized was Cas' forearm.

"Cas, I can't see..."

"It's alright Dean, it's alright-"

Faintly, I felt two fingers press softly to my forehead, then darkness fell upon me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops another chapter with a blackout ending. :,)
> 
> But ayee Cas is here. ;)  
> I tried my best to emulate Cas, but I'm probably a very poor version of him, so I apologize in advance. *cries*
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed and please leave a comment and kudo! Always makes my day when I get one. <3


	5. PB&J

Five

Slowly, I stirred.

I was warm, in that post-sleep bliss, everything slowly coming back online. I felt like I was being cuddled on a cloud, everything soft and warm, wrapped around me firmly, almost as if I had been tucked into my bed back at the bunker.

_Then I remembered._

My eyes flew open, excepting to be met with blackness, but I was met by the familiar walls of my room.

 _I was home_.

Looking back over by my door, I was a bit surprised to see Cas sitting quietly on a chair, watching me intently.

"Jeez.." I closed my eyes again, wincing as I stretched my taunt muscles. "Cas, what'd I say about the watching me sleep crap?"

"Sam asked me to watch over you." he said calmly, his hands in his lap, still watching me with his ever precise, stoic expression.

"Hmpf." I muttered, rolling onto my back, looking up at the ceiling. "What time is it?"

"It's approximately three fifteen in the morning."

"In the _morning_?" I sat up, wincing at the head rush.

"Yes Dean." Cas looked back at me from studying my shotgun mounted on the wall. "You have been sleeping for almost two days."

" _Two_ days?!" I rubbed my face. "Why didn't you or Sam wake me up?"

"You needed rest, Dean."

I rolled my eyes, pushing back the sheets, swinging my legs over the side of the bed, falling back on the bed when sharp spasms of pain raced up my legs as I tried to stand, a huff of air being punched out of my lungs as I fell back hard onto the bed.

"Dean? Dean, are you alright?"

I blinked, looking up to see Cas looking at me in concern as he stood before me, his blue eyes blown wide as he looked at me, his arms hanging awkwardly at his sides as he assessed me, almost as if he wasn't sure if I needed help sitting up.

"I'm fine." I huffed, scowling, waving him away, preparing to stand up again. "Where's Sam?"

"Asleep. I finally convinced him to rest a few hours ago."

He was still hovering in the same position, having not moved, his gaze just as boring as ever.

"Okay." I took a breath, not meeting his eyes. "I need to eat."

"I'll bring you something Dean."

I shook my head, pushing myself up again onto wobbly legs, my arms flailing to keep my balance, Cas instantly reaching out to grab my forearm, holding me in place.

"Maybe you should get back in bed."

"I'm _fine_!"

I scowled, wrenching my arm away from his grasp, stubbornly holding my ground as I heard him sigh softly.

Biting my lip, I took steady breaths, battling away the sharp pains shooting up and down my body.

It was like I had a warm fever, flashes of heat pulsing under my skin, almost as if my body was trying to fight something off.

I took a hesitant step forward, still biting my bottom lip as a fresh wave of pain flushed through me, almost crippling me.

 _Come on Winchester_ , I thought to myself. _You've been through worse._

Steeling myself for the next step, I made my slow, albeit painful, but steady way to the kitchen, Cas a silent shadow at my side, ready to catch me if my legs betrayed me and although I wished he wasn't hovering over me like some over protective parent, I had to admit, it was nice knowing that he was there to catch me if I fell.

I guess that was sort of his specialty by now.

The stairs down into the kitchen were a fucking bitch, and I swore silently to myself going down them, leaning heavily on the back of one of the chairs when I made my way to the bottom, panting slightly.

"Maybe you should sit Dean.." Cas said softly from behind me as I noticed that my knuckles were turning white from holding the back of the chair so hard.

"Yeah, I think that's a good idea.." I admitted, my legs and back of my spine burning like hell, and I was starting to see spots in my vision from the intense pain.

He helped me pull out the chair and I sat down with a huff, my limbs seemingly pulsing jelly, and if I wasn't as hungry as a damn lion, I probably would've collapsed from the weariness and pain on the spot.

As if sensing my predicament, Cas spoke.

"What if I made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"That sounds fantastic Cas." I smiled, still catching my breath slightly as I looked at him, and damn, did that sandwich sound great. My mouth was watering at the very thought of it.

His lips quirked slightly in the ghost of a smile, turning around and grabbing a plate, quickly setting off to his task, methodically lining up the bread, jelly and peanut butter, almost tediously spreading the goods onto the bread, as if it was a mathematical equation. Once he finished a few minutes later, he cut the three sandwiches he made in perfect halves, making me wonder if he had some angel measuring vision. Then he was filling a glass cup of water and bringing it to me, setting it down before me, my mouth watering at the sight.

I could barely get the first sandwich in my mouth fast enough as Cas sat in the chair across from me.

"When was the last time you ate Dean?" He asked after I had inhaled the first sandwich in about four bites.

"I don't know." I muttered, my mouth full. "But this sandwich is amazing."

He sighed softly, and I could feel his gaze on me, but I was too enraptured with getting that piece of heaven sandwich into my mouth to care much.

And god, water. Since when did it taste like the breath of life? I couldn't get enough.

Cas brought me a second glass of water when I finished the first, the silent companion he always was, patient and thoughtful.

Once I finished the sandwiches and third glass of water, I sat back, taking a breath.

"Tomorrow, I'm getting a big ass burger and milkshake." I sighed, sitting back as I let my meal settle as I closed my eyes.

"Technically, it is tomorrow, Dean."

I opened my eyes to look at him, chuckling wryly.

"Nothing would be open at three am Cas."

He frowned, his head tilting slightly in that curious puppy-like fashion of his.

"I could try to get something for you Dean."

"No, it's okay." I smiled slightly, that tiny curl of warmth flooding through me as I was reminded of Cas' endearing doglike desire to please me. "I should probably let those sandwiches you made settle."

He nods, his hands folding in his lap.

"How to you feel?"

"Like I could sleep another two days." I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead as I could feel that sated weariness sweeping over me.

"I meant about Lisa and Ben.."

I froze, sighing and reflexively pushing their faces out of my mind.

"I'm fine."

He just looked at me, and I knew he didn't believe me.

"Dean-"

"You sure do know how to bring down the mood don't you?" I scowled, pushing back my chair and quickly pushing myself to my feet, hissing at the sharp pain racing up my spine.

"Here, I can carry you."

Cas was seemingly at my side at an instant, readying himself to carry me.

"No," I pushed his hand away, stumbling back a bit. "I'm fine."

He frowned, dropping his arms, watching me intently as I inwardly cursed the damn stairs, hauling myself up them slowly, leaning heavily on the wall.

It was a long, seemingly bruising trip walking back to my room, the wall my best friend the whole way there.

And damn, since when was my room so _far_ from the kitchen?

I was never so happy to see my bed, and as I collapsed wearily into it, Cas silently pulled the covers up around me, gently, but firmly tucking the sheets in around me. If I wasn't so tired, I would've protested, since the angel was practically hovering over me, but honestly, it felt hella nice to be babied and I just gave in, the warmth from his hands still lingering on the corner of the sheets as he moved away, quietly walking away.

"Cas?" I muttered, sleep beginning to overtake me.

"Yes dean?" I could hear him turning to look at me.

"No.. watching over me, crap." I muttered, mostly asleep.

I'm not sure if I was already dreaming or not, but a faint chuckle filled the darkness as the light was turned off, soft footsteps falling away.

"Goodnight Dean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> Sorry for slow update, yesterday was my birthday and i meant to post, but got busy, lol.  
> But on another note, how were your guy's thanksgiving? I hope you all had a good one. cx
> 
> Also, how bad of a Cas am I? :,)


	6. Deja Vu

Six

I slept for awhile.

Luckily, the flashes of color I saw behind my eyelids didn't transform into fresh ghosts, or faces.

None of those flashes of colors transformed into dreams, until one finally did.

_I saw him, sitting on the stairs, brown eyes blown wide in terror, his fingers white from holding the banister so tightly._

_"Dean!" He yelled, his voice shrill and trembling, the blood drained from his face._

_"Ben!" I yelled, my heart pounding so hard in my chest, I felt it could beat for two._

_He looked between me, and something I didn't see, my blood turning into ice as I saw the look in his eyes change._

_"Dean!"_

  
\--------

  
I gasped, choking for air, flying straight up in the sitting position, my legs tangled in the sheets of my bed like knots in curly hair. My heart was beating an erratic tattoo in my chest, my skin sticky with sweat.

As I panted in the dim light of my room, slowly coming back down to earth, I fought back against the tears, the memories.

_The voices._

Shaking my head, I turned on my light, more than glad that I was alone. Cas' chair was empty, still sitting in the corner of my room where he had left it.

Taking deep breaths, I looked over at the small clock on my nightstand, the numbers reading 1:12pm.

_But was that today, or tomorrow?_

I scoffed at myself, not wanting to deal with that brain twister, much less my emotions. I untangled myself from my bedsheets, tossing them aside, gingerly putting my legs over the side of the bed, tentatively putting my weight on my feet. A sharp tingle raced up my legs just like the last time I attempted to stand, but the pain wasn't as searing as the last.

With some effort, I managed to push myself to my feet, shuffling my way to the bathroom, inwardly wondering when the last time I had showered as I turned on the water.

Probably a few weeks.

But as I looked at myself, I realized that I looked pretty clean, and was in my pajamas.

_So someone had bathed and changed me._

_And seen everything._

_So was it Sam, or Cas?_

I shuddered at the thought, not wanting to think more of it, as I stepped into the shower, hissing as the hot water hit my skin. Eventually, my muscles began to relax under the hot water, and the pain lessened, allowing me more range of movement.

Once I'd finished cleaning myself, I dressed and brushed my teeth, never realizing how damn good it felt to have clean teeth, but it felt slightly pointless when the gnawing hunger tugged in my abdomen.

I would have a lot of cheeseburgers to catch up on eating if I wanted to fill out the hollowness on my cheekbones that had appeared over the time of my capture, as well as my entire body. For the first time in awhile, I had to wear my belt; my once well fitting jeans loose and uncomfortable on my body, my shirt baggy, making me look even more gaunt then I was.

With a sigh, I turned away from the mirror, slowly making my way out of my room and towards Sam's room, only to find it empty.

"Sam?" I called out, turning to head for the kitchen.

My progress was slow, but much easier than the previous midnight trek, and I didn't have to use the wall as a crutch as much as I had to that night, but tingling pain still raced up and down my legs and spine with each step.

Rounding the corner, I peeked into the kitchen, Sam sitting at the table on his laptop, his expression brooding and pensive as he stared so hard at his laptop, he probably would've burned a hole through it if he was Superman.

"Hey Sammy." I said, wincing slightly as I made my way down those few damned stairs into the kitchen.

"Hey Dean." he smiled, looking up at me, his face relaxing from its previous gloom. "How do you feel?"

"Peachy." I huffed as I sat in the chair across from him, a bit weary yet again from my endeavors. "How long was I out?"

"The rest of the night and this morning." Sam looked up at me over his beer. "Cas told me that you woke up last night."

"Yeah." I looked down, playing with Sam's beer bottle cap that lay on the table with my fingers. "Where is he?"

"Out." Sam was looking at his computer again, taking another tug from his beer. "Said he was getting lunch."

"Lunch?" I asked, a bit incredulous. "But he doesn't need it, last I checked, angels don't eat."

"I know, but he was going off saying that you wanted ' _a cheeseburger and milkshake'_?" Sam was chuckling, his eyebrow raised in amusement.

I scoffed, rolling my eyes and leaning back in my chair.

"Just something I said last night."

"Uh-huh." He was still smiling, the bastard.

"Knock it off." I scowled. "He's probably watching bees or something."

"I'm not judging." he put his hands up in surrender, looking back at his computer.

I rolled my eyes.

"So, what you looking at? Research?"

"Sorta." he turned his computer towards me, showing me an old abandoned military bunker. "Trying to figure out what demons and witches wanted with you."

"Then you know just about as much as me."

He frowned, looking back at his screen.

"So that's where they were holed up," Sam pointed at the picture of the dilapidated bunker. "I'm not sure how much you saw of it, but it was like it was out of a Frankenstein movie. Cas and I had trouble getting in."

"Angel warding." I nodded. "First thing I tried doing was calling Cas."

Sam nodded, frowning as he turned the computer back around, the keys clicking on the keyboard as he typed something in.

"Hello Dean."

The silence was broken and I turned around to see Cas standing in the doorway, two white paper bags in his hand, a sealed cup in the other.

"Hey Cas." I nodded as he walked into the kitchen, Sam greeting him as he put the bags and drink on the table.

"One salad for Sam," he pushed one bag next to Sam's laptop. "And a cheeseburger, fries, and chocolate milkshake for Dean."

He placed the second bag and drink in front of me, looking proud.

"I paid for it myself."

Sam chuckled and I grinned as I opened the bag, pulling out the foil wrapped burger, warmth radiating through its shiny armor. I slowly unwrapped it ceremoniously, nodding as the plump cheeseburger revealed itself to me, lettuce, tomatoes and cheese billowing over the sides.

"Cas, you're awesome." I chuckled, taking a bite, humming in appreciation as the flavors pooled into my mouth. "Damn, this burger is amazing... oh my god."

Sam laughed, pulling out his salad, Cas still standing at the edge of the table.

"Need some time alone with that thing?" Sam commented as I continued to express my appreciation for the slice of heaven I held in my hands.

"Shut up." I muttered, paying him no mind as I continued stuffing my face. "You try being chained up for weeks only being fed grainy bread every other day."

No one said anything in response, but I could instantly feel the vibe in the room drop, an awkward silence falling over all of us.

"I'm fine." I scowled as I saw Sam's mournful eyes on me, sighing in exasperation to see that Cas had a similar look in his eye, causing me to throw my arms up, sighing. "I'm _fine_!"

"I didn't say you weren't, Dean." Sam said, his expression skeptical. "But.. I don't think you saw everything we did when we came to get you..."

I paused, my French fry on its trail to my mouth stopping half way.

"What'd you see..?" I asked warily.

"We're not really sure what we saw." Sam admitted. "Most of the demons in there were gone before we could do much, and in order to get to you, Cas had to go through the witch."

Sam looked over at Cas, who was looking at me, who then looked over at Sam, his brow furrowed.

"It was nothing like I had ever seen before." Cas mused. "It appeared that.. they were doing experiments."

"Experiments?" I raised an eyebrow. "What kind?"

"We don't know." Sam sighed, leaning back in his chair, brushing back his hair with his hand. "Any documentation they may've had was gone, and we couldn't find who was head of operations."

"The witch." I sighed. "Her, and some demon... she said Nero once. It seemed to me it was those two who were running things."

"But why?" Cas prodded, looking at me with concern. "What did they want with you?"

"I'm not sure." I admitted, putting down my burger. "The witch, she said her name was Deyanira, was going on about how that they were going to become 'gods'."

I rubbed my face wearily, taking a breath.

"'Gods'? So what, demons and witches want a bigger payroll?" Sam said in confusion. "That doesn't make sense."

"You're telling me." I clasped my hands together. "All I know, is that I was still breathing air because I was a part of whatever Frankenstein science lab experiment they were doing."

I shook my head, remembering.

"They were putting something in me, blood or something."

"Blood? Are you certain?" Cas looked at me, his voice wary with confusion and something else I couldn't name.

"I'm not sure what it was really, but it looked like blood."

"Cas, was anything off with Dean when you healed him?" Sam looked up at Cas, leaning a hand on his thigh as he leaned forward a bit.

"No." Cas shook his head. "I should've healed any abnormality that might've occurred during Dean's time there."

"See? I'm just fine." I smiled at Sam, who just frowned, clearly still skeptical and I rolled my eyes, picking up my burger and continuing to eat it.

"Do you feel any different Dean?" Cas queried.

"Other than hungry as hell and sore, I'm great." I took another gaping bite of my burger, glad that I still had my cup of fries and milkshake.

Cas nodded, his expression calculative as he stepped back.

"Where you going Cas?" Sam looked up from his computer as Cas started walking away.

"To see if we happened to overlook anything at the lab."

"You sure that's okay?" I looked between him and Sam.

"Yeah." Sam shrugged. "Any demons we didn't kill, cleared out pretty quick. Cas can handle himself; you'll call if you need us?"

"Of course." Cas nodded, disappearing a few seconds later, a fluttering of wings and soft breeze of wind sending the empty food bags skittering across the table.

"So," I crumbled up the foil wrapper that once covered my burger, tossing it back into the white paper bag it came in, setting to work on eating my French fries. "Anything else mad sciencey strange that you guys saw?"

Sam frowned, clicking away on his computer.

"Not really." he shrugged, looking up at me. "It was cleared out pretty good... almost as if they had prepared for that to happen."

I scoffed, taking a sip from my chocolate milkshake.

_Damn, that's good._

"Since when do demons and witches become Mr. Clean?"

Sam shrugged again, at just as much as a loss as me.

"So, what did you see?" He asked, his expression a bit pained, almost as if he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear the answer.

And knowing how shitty our lives could be, I understood.

"Not much, was in a cell most of the time. There wasn't much to hear either, and when I was taken out of the cell, I was never awake for it, they always knocked me out."

"Where were you taken?"

"Some lab, I don't know. At some point, the bitch put an IV in me with that blood or whatever and was writing stuff down on her clipboard and going on about being gods and-" I broke off, not wanting to repeat what she had revealed.

"What Dean?" Sam leaned forward, concerned and focused. "Dean, you know every detail can help."

"Nothing." I looked away, going back to eating my fries.

"Dean, tell me."

I sighed, clenching my teeth as the memory replayed itself in its mind, the screams, the pain.

 _All the blood._..

"Dean?" Sam's voice brought me back to the present, his eyes boring into mine, trying to understand my sudden silence.

Trying to see what my minds eye was seeing.

"Nothing." I tossed my empty cup of fries into the bag, grabbing my milkshake, shakily pushing back my chair and standing. "I'm fine."

Sam sighed, but didn't push things, the room silent as I put my milkshake in the freezer, opening the fridge and grabbing a beer, popping open the top and taking a long pull from it, mentally calculating how many more beers I would need before my memories wouldn't be so sharp.

"Where you going?" Sam asked warily as I started making my way out of the kitchen.

"Outside." I scowled. "I'd rather not be inside since I've been stuck in a room for weeks on end."

Sam said nothing, just frowned, but I knew he understood, so I kept going.

My trek was slow, and god, I don't think I'd ever hated the fucking stairs leading out of the bunker as much as I did then, my legs virtually on fire by the time I made it to the top, my breathing ragged. My lungs made a desperate effort to suck in air, and it wasn't until I opened the door, walking outside, did the strain lessen.

It had been god knows how long since I'd last seen sunlight, and I narrowed my eyes as my eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness. It was cool outside, the cusp of fall coolness in the breeze, and it was refreshing, the light breeze caressing my exposed skin like soft kisses, the sun warming my skin enough to make it comfortable outside. I stood there for awhile, catching my breath and waiting for the pain to lessen in my legs. It was quiet, the only sounds a few birds chattering here and there, and the wind racing through the leaves on the few trees that still had them, the sound almost like the calm sigh of waves sliding on the beach.

It was nice, and it calmed me.

Once I collected myself, I closed the door behind me, then started walking, following the faint dirt trail Sam and I had made. Well, it was mostly Sam who made it, since he loved doing his Lance Armstrong running crap.

_Or was that biking..?_

Either way, it was mostly Sam's trail, but sometimes, when I needed to clear my head or was feeling a bit guilty since I couldn't remember the last time I'd been outside, I'd follow it. I never followed it all the way through though, just to the dock, because who had time for that running crap. I got enough of a workout just trying to stay alive on the daily.

I took a sip of my beer, looking at the trees as I passed them, a chipmunk running across my path. I encountered nothing else when I reached the dock, wearily sitting on a block of cement that I absently wondered why it was there.

The lake was relatively calm, the slight breeze skipping across the water, causing miniature waves to form, tiny white crests on the tips of them.

I took another drag from my beer, looking out over the expanse of space the lake provided.

I remembered the last time I was here, right after we found out Cas had given himself to Lucifer, and I'd been just a witness to a submarine full of good people dying.

I sighed, rubbing my face.

I had a knack for seeing good people die, and people I loved just give up.

_Or get killed._

I winced, squeezing my eyes shut, hanging my head.

Why did I go back? Why in the hell did I go back to Lisa and Ben when I knew what happened the first time?

Why did I even bother?

 _I kill everything I touch_...

I bit my lip, my throat constricting in on itself, and I bit back the tears, taking in deep, heavy breaths.

No, no, I wouldn't go there.

 _But it's true._.. A little voice in my head whispered, and I knew it was right.

I did kill everything I touched.

Everyone I'd ever loved had gotten killed in some form or fashion.

And it could almost always be connected to me.

I was a curse. A damn curse to myself and anyone else around me. I knew that, I always have. But I still went back to Lisa and Ben and I was what got them killed.

I dropped my head into my hands, my chest shuddering.

Ben was only seventeen, barely even had a life, had just barely met a nice girl, barely even lived.

And I'd killed him.

 _And Lisa_...

As much shit as I'd put her through, she somehow still loved me. And I had killed her.

_I killed them both._

I inhaled, my body shuddering with the effort.

My chest felt hollow, achy, like someone had punched a fresh, gaping hole in my chest, the new hole contracting and constricting, vainly trying to fill a void it couldn't.

I'd had experienced lots of these holes in my lifetime, and, I guess, in a way, I was used to it.

But this... this, was an entirely fresh pain, the agony penetrating and burning, seeping its way into every cell, plunging me deeper and deeper into the ocean that was the void inside me, and I had a feeling this wasn't one of those temporary drownings. Sure, the holes healed, sealed up, and you moved on. But you always felt them, knew of their presence, maybe deep in the subconscious of your mind, but you always knew.

They were the tiny walls, the tiny voices that held you back. Those tiny déjà vu moments when you encountered a similar situation that always made you stop dead in you tracks, remembering. Those pains that sometimes, made you turn away from something that had the potential to fix you, erase that hole, and paint it a fresh, new color.

But you didn't, because of that fear, that pain.

So, like me, you always walked away.

Except this time, I didn't.

And I wished every second, that I had.

And now, here I was, left with a new, fresh, aching hole.

A new wall.

A new déjà vu to pain over sometime later, if I lived that long.

I took a heavy breath, vaguely feeling the dampness in my hand, much less anything else. All I saw, was them, and all I could feel, was that aching hole.

I was startled out of my reveille, almost falling over backwards in surprise when Cas crashed onto the wooden planks before me, groaning and panting for air as he curled up slightly against himself, his face pressed against the aged planks.

"Cas..?" I said slowly, not really sure I was seeing him as I blinked dumbly, struggling to collect myself.

"Dean..." he look up at me, weakly reaching out to me, his hand stained crimson with blood and my chest constricted at the sight. "Help me..."

Then his body gave out and he collapsed against the dock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh would you look at that, I can write long chapters. :,)
> 
> Omg I'm getting one of J2M's Love Campaign hoodies, I'm really excited! Any of of you guys getting one? :3
> 
> also, don't you love cliffhangers? ^-^


	7. Chick Flicks

Seven

" _Sam!_ " I yelled, wondering how in the hell I was going to carry Cas down the stairs as I fought to close the bunker door behind me, my entire body wrack with agony as I struggled to keep Cas from falling out of my arms onto the floor.

 _Damn, he's heavier than I thought._..

I heard a pounding of feet a few seconds later, Sam rushing around the corner, gasping in fear as he saw Cas in my arms, footsteps bouncing off of the walls as he rushed up the stairs.

"What the hell happened?!" he demanded, taking Cas from my arms and rushing back down the stairs, laying him supine on the table, kicking away chairs in his wake.

"I don't know." I rasped, trying to will the pain away in my body as I descended the stairs, Sam running out of the room.

I was gasping by the time I got down the stairs, helping Sam dig through the first aid kit he had run to get while I had been coming down the stairs.

"I was just sitting on the dock when he just collapsed in front of me out of nowhere." I was pawing through the first aid kit furiously, handing Sam some disinfecting wipes with poor coordination.

Sam frowned, wiping away the blood with the wipe, then suddenly froze slightly, his expression darkening.

"His neck... someone cut it..."

I took a breath, looking where he was, my chest constricting in fear. I found my hand instinctively reaching out and grabbing his wrist, pressing my thumb around the underside of his wrist, praying to feel something, _anything_.

 _Please god, not him too_...

"Come on, _come on._.." I whispered, my thumb pressing around, growing frantic, my blood running cold, until I felt it.

That faint little beat - slowed by unconsciousness, but strong.

I exhaled, the back of my knees weak with relief.

"He's still alive." I breathed, my head pulsing slightly from the heavy weight lifted off me that was mixed with a dozen other tribulations.

"The cut isn't too deep." Sam said sagely, having not noticed my lapse, gently and methodically wiping the blood away from his neck. "Doesn't even need stitches."

He turned to look at me, a small, comforting smile on his face, but it quickly dropped when I met his gaze, turning into a frown.

"He's going to be okay Dean."

"I know." I said, handing him a bandage, looking back at Cas.

I looked up to find that he was still scrutinizing me when I checked to see why he hadn't resumed his work.

"Well, just _let_ Cas bleed here then." I snapped, snatching the roll of bandage from him, stepping closer to Cas.

I carefully lifted the back of his head with one hand, holding it up as I gently wrapped the bandage around his neck over his wound, clenching my jaw as blood still seeped through it.

"Are you okay?" Sam prodded, helping me wrap the bandage.

"Is _now_ really the time for therapy Sam?" I hissed, tossing aside the bandage roll, taking the surgical tape Sam offered and taping the edge of the bandage securely in place.

"Have you been crying?" He asked bluntly, putting the tape back in the first aid kit.

"I'm not a _girl_ Sam." I scowled at him, gently picking Cas up again, staggering on my feet as I was reminded of his weight.

 _Well, he's no woman._..

"Let me." Sam noticed my struggle and stepped forward.

"I'm _fine_." I snapped, turning away and walking down the hallway towards one of the back rooms that we transformed into a makeshift living room, carefully laying Cas on the couch once I walked into the room, grabbing some pillows to prop his head up.

I was checking on his wound when Sam walked in, not looking at me.

"How is he?"

"Fine." I replied briskly, looking over Cas to make sure there weren't any other wounds we had overlooked. "I think it was just his neck."

"Okay. I'll go clean up the table." He left, his footsteps fading down the hallway and I sat on the coffee table across from Cas, wincing as the adrenaline and emotional high began to wear off and I was reminded of my weak state, the pain in my legs and spine reminding me of its presence.

I swore under my breath, leaning my elbow on my thigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers, taking steady breaths to combat the pain.

"Dean?"

My eyes snapped open, looking up to see Cas blearily looking around, his face twisted in pain and confusion.

"Hey, hey," I leaned forward, putting my hand on the edge of the couch. "It's okay. You're in the bunker."

He blinked, looking at me, almost as if he was just remembering me.

"You okay..?" I asked carefully, not liking the look in his eyes.

"She took my grace." He said weakly, sad.

"She- _what?_ " I bristled. "Who?"

"The witch, Deyanira."

"But you killed her!"

"It appears I haven't."

"But... _how?_ "

"I don't know, Dean. Probably a spell, but a very powerful one I've never encountered."

I swore, suddenly realizing Cas was now incapable of healing himself.

"How do you feel? Do we need to take you to a doctor?" I demanded, fear twisting knots in my stomach.

"I'm alright Dean. I had just enough grace to get me back to you. If I had failed to act so quickly, she would've killed me." He suddenly frowned, scrutinizing me, eyes narrowing infinitesimally. "Dean, what's wrong?"

I blinked, looking away, brushing fake dirt off my jeans.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not."

I sighed, rolling my eyes and smiled sardonically at him.

"I'm great - aside from the fact that you nearly scared the living daylights out of me."

I attempted to keep things light, play it off, but I could feel the thickness of my facade, and I could see that Cas knew it.

"How- Cas! You're okay." Sam smiled in relief as he walked back into the room, breaking the spell.

"Yeah." I stood up, moving away, ignoring the pain and the fact that Cas was still gazing at me. "Cas is human."

" _What?!_ " Sam looked at Cas. "What happened?!"

"The witch, she isn't dead." Cas frowned. "We may be dealing with a bigger threat than we perceived."

Sam sighed.

"Well... do we need to take you to the doctors..?"

"No, I think I'll be fine." Cas moved to sit up, gasping slightly.

"Cas, you should rest." I stepped back over to him, gently pushing him back down against the couch, before sitting on the coffee table again.

"So should you, Dean." he looked at me, his eyes saying everything his mouth wasn't.

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm fine." I sighed.

"You really should Dean." Sam butted in, crossing his arms and giving me a similar look to Cas'.

I raised my arms, throughly stung and annoyed.

"What the hell is this? Some therapy intervention scare?" I exclaimed.

No one said anything in response and I rolled my eyes, standing up.

"Fine. Then I'll just sit on my thumbs and watch a movie even though we have far bigger fish to fry!" I snapped, gesturing to Cas to punctuate my point, Sam frowning helplessly, stepping out of my way as I stormed out of the room, ignoring his call after me as I stalked down the hallway.

I slammed the door to my room, sighing as I went to sit on my bed, taking a breath.

 _Damn, I wish I had a beer.._.

Sighing heavily, I rubbed my face, turning to grab my laptop off of my nightstand, signing onto Netflix.  
I propped up some pillows against my headboard, getting comfortable as the Netflix opened. I scrolled through a couple rows of movies, before giving up and just clicking on some random movie in my recently watched list, not paying full attention to what I clicked on, just wanting something to fill the silence.

As the movie started playing, I sighed, leaning my head on my hand, a flash of red catching my attention.

I looked down and sighed when I realized my shirt was covered in Cas' blood, my stomach twisting.

 _If the cut had just been a little bit deeper.._.

I shuddered, instantly discarding the image in my mind of Cas bleeding out on the floor, eyes glassy, tanned skin wanly pale and withering.

Pulling my shirt off, I pushed aside my laptop, ignoring the now familiar pain in my lower body as I walked into my bathroom, turning on the cold water and running it over my shirt, scrubbing the blood out.

I watched the crystal clear water turn red in an instant, and I was abruptly thrown back in the deep recesses of my mind that I had tried to bury.

_I was on my knees, my vision blurred with tears, reaching out and taking her limp hand in mine as my chest shriveled in on itself trying to get air back into my lungs._

_Once, that hand used to squeeze mine, used to comfort me, caress me, hold me._

_Once, that hand held mine back._

_Now, it was limp, slowly growing colder and stiffer by the minute, the blood covering my hands imprinting my mark onto hers._

_There was so much blood... I could feel it seeping into my jeans; I couldn't even remember what color my shirt and jacket were before..._

_God... please... please... let me be dreaming-_

"Dean?"

I jumped, dropping my shirt in the sink, my shirt clean now, the water starting to fill the sink since the shirt sufficiently blocked the drain.

"Give me a second!" I mumbled, turning off the water and going to grab my shirt when I heard the door click open. "I said- a second.." I trailed off as I saw Cas step into the doorway of my bathroom.

"I gave you one Dean." He frowned, his gaze dropping down to my bare chest then back up to my eyes. "I apologize."

I flushed.

"Uh... It's alright." I squeezed the water out of my shirt, feeling his gaze on my back as I hung up my shirt to dry. "What, uh, what do you want?"

Cas stepped to the side as I walked out of the bathroom, pulling out a green shirt from my dresser, quickly pulling it on before turning to look back over at Cas, who appeared to have been studying me, eyes quickly averting from their previous resting place, a tingle racing up my spine at the thought.

"I wanted to see if you were alright, and Sam told me I needed to relax." He had his usual, deadpan expression, but his eyes seemed to betray the emotions his face didn't.

I inwardly wondered if he forgot that he could use his vessel to portray his emotions.

"I'm fine." I said briskly, closing back up my dresser. "Just watching a movie."

"Princess Bride?" He was looking at my laptop, his head tilted.

"Uh, yeah." I chuckled a bit awkwardly, getting back on my bed.

The movie was still playing, the volume too low to be heard, but Buttercup and West kissed and I could almost hear Cas processing it.

"You like 'chick flicks'?" I could hear the tentative curiosity in his voice.

"It's not a chick flick." I bristled, pausing the movie, crossing my arms. "It's a _classic_."

He looked at me with his trademark, tilt of the head, _'I don't understand_ ' expression, saying nothing, which was vaguely comical; his eyes wide like a puppy's, the bandage wrapped around his neck like some strange dog collar.

I sighed, moving over to the opposite side of my bed.

"If Sam is going to bench us, then I'm going to enrich your mind." I put my laptop in the middle of the bed, starting the movie over and turning up the volume, gesturing for Cas to sit on the opposite side of the bed.

"I don't understand how a theatrical film can enrich my perspective on my existence."

"Cas, just sit."

He hesitated a moment longer, but when the movie started, he awkwardly sat on the edge of the bed, tense and rigid.

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest and watched the movie, saying nothing more.

It wasn't until the first sword fighting scene when Cas sat on the bed cross legged, getting more comfortable and less tense. The entire time the movie played, his eyes never left the screen, studying each and every detail as if he was going to be quizzed on it afterwards.

I had to admit, I found it amusing, and found myself watching him more than the movie.

Hey, I'd seen the movie quite a few times, not that I'd ever tell Sam that, but since I could recite the lines by heart, I guess it was normal that I found Cas watching it for the first time more interesting.

I couldn't see his face, but from what I could see from the side, his brow was furrowed slightly, his head tilted a bit, as if it would help him understand things better. As the colors on my laptop changed from the movie as it changed scenes, so did the light on Cas' face; lightening, then darkening his features, highlighting the slight cleft in his chin, showing the sharp, straight line of his nose, the sharp curve of his jawline, the slight stubble that always seemed to sprinkle over his face like some cactus fuzz or something.

_Did he shave? Or did he just keep his vessel in the same exact state he possessed it?_

Or, better question, how was he handling things so... calmly? I mean, the guy had just lost his grace. Again. Yeah, he's been human more than once, but still...

I again admired his ability to keep his head in certain situations, and honestly, he'd helped me keep my own head a time or two.

It also never failed to amuse me, that an angel of The Lord, who'd been kicking since the world took its first breath, who saw humanity _conceived_ , was so innocent.

An angel, who could tell you what the first human looked like, what the first word ever spoken was, who invented burgers, was also the same angel who didn't understand what was so amazing about classic music, or movies. He was also the same angel that had pretty weak people skills, didn't know what a Netflix was until recently, and who didn't understand most human customs.

He was one of the oldest beings in creation, and yet, he was an innocent as a young child.

He was certainly something I had never encountered before, and I had to admit, always amusing, although sometimes, I envied his simple mind, his easy grace, and simplicity.

Sure, he was susceptible to trusting too easily, having too much heart and maybe not thinking things through enough, but that raw sincerity, his honesty, it was refreshing.

He was the one person besides Sam who I knew gave a damn about me. And in some ways, maybe, I even trusted him more than Sam.

He was the thing that pulled me out of hell, the thing that glued me back together.

And... I guess over the years, not just physically.

"Dean?"

I jumped, gasping slightly as Cas said my name, startling me out of my musing.

"Are you alright?"

"Huh? Um- I mean, yes. I'm fine." I muttered, a bit flustered, suddenly realizing that I had zoned out while staring at him much to my chagrin.

He just looked at me quizzically, his eyes probing mine, trying to find some sort of explanation.

"Why are you blushing?"

"Bl- I'm not blushing." I sat up, looking away, reaching for my water on my nightstand.

"There's a few reasons why humans blush." Cas went on, indifferent to my effort to hide my face, because damn it, I was blushing. "It usually occurs when extreme embarrassment occurs, or, sometimes, because the air temperature is too hot, or, from intoxication or strenuous activities, such as intercourse."

I choked on my water, coughing as my water decided to take a detour, Cas quieting.

"Dean? Are you okay?"

"M'fine." I rasped, closing my water and looking at him from the corner of my eye.

He looked at me, and I could see him tilt his head slightly, my cheeks instantly reacting to being scrutinized.

"What." I demanded, turning to look at him, scowling slightly.

"Nothing." He looked back up into my eyes. "It just never occurred to me how many freckles you have, Dean. It looks like the Milky Way."

" _Okay_." I got off the bed. "I uh, want to take a nap."

He frowned slightly.

"Did I do something wrong..?" He looked crushed, and I internally swore as I could feel the guilt instantly gnaw at me.

"No." I sighed. "I'm just tired; I took a walk today and then you just popping up like that scared the hell out of me. We can finish this later."

"My apologies." He got off the bed, walking towards the door and I internally sighed, then he stopped.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

"Why were you crying? At the dock." He said it slowly, softly, almost like it would lessen the blow.

I tensed.

"I wasn't. You were probably just seeing things." I shrugged, hoping he bought my indifference.

He was quiet for a second, still looking at me.

He didn't even have to say _anything_ , just look at me and I knew that he didn't believe me.

_How the hell did he speak with his eyes like that?_

"Really, I'm fine." I smiled a little, trying to placate him.

He merely nodded, opening my door, and stepping out.

"Sleep well, Dean." He gently shut the door behind him, and I exhaled.

I felt guilty kicking him out, and we hadn't even finished the movie, much less gotten to the good part, but I couldn't handle any more of the that ' _Milky Way freckles blushing_ ' business.

Leave it to Cas to say something hella awkward, but it wasn't really his fault I guess.

I knew better than anyone that was just how he was.

Turning off my laptop, I put it off to the side, then turned off my lamp, laying back down on my bed, sprawling out.

The spot where Cas had been sitting was still warm, and I moved away from it, hating the gnawing guilt building from kicking him out.

_Smooth Dean, you're a terrific friend._

I sighed, rolling onto my side, yanking the covers up over me, suddenly remembering the feeling of Cas tucking me in the previous night.

As if knowing this, my bed abruptly didn't seem as comfortable as it did then and I sighed in annoyance, kicking the sheets away, and rolling over to my other side.

Who was I kidding, if my thoughts kept going like this, I wasn't getting any sleep.

I debated on getting a beer, but quickly abandoned the idea. I didn't feel like seeing Cas' sad puppy eyes and enduring Sam pestering me with ' _are you okay's_ '. No thanks. So, I rolled onto my back, staring up into the darkness, the only light was the faint sliver of light that peeked underneath my door.

_Thank god I wasn't still behind that other door..._

As I lay there in the dark, hoping sleep would take me, my mind started to wander, and I started feeling lonelier by the second.

The last time I had slept in a bed, I had shared it with someone, someone I had grown used to sharing it with for almost a year. Someone who was warm, who whispered and giggled in the dark, and sometimes, when the moon was full and illuminated our bedroom in a milky spotlight, it was someone I would admire.

I would admire her curves, the way the moonlight seemed to make her skin glow, almost ethereal.

I remembered how sometimes, we would kiss and cuddle, sometimes, hardly getting any sleep when our explorations of each other became something more.

But I would never wake up any happier than when I did those mornings, chocolate brown eyes smiling at me and whispering good morning.

And even on nights when I was wracked with nightmares and terrors, she was there, a warm and steady presence, and eventually, I didn't feel so lost each time I woke up.

But now, that was all gone with her.

I sighed, closing my eyes, trying to think of something, anything other than Lisa's screams of my name being cut off into a wet, throaty whisper.

I rolled over, trying to remember what it was like to sleep alone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, since demon Dean decided to let slip he'd seen the Princess Bride, I had to do it. ;)


	8. Postmortem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank and dedicate this chapter to my close friend, Faith, for inspiring the beginning of this chapter; you kill me with the things you share with me. XD 
> 
> Also, thank you guys so much for almost 150 reads, that's so awesome and makes my day. :,) thank you guys for taking the time to read my story, it means a lot. <3

Eight

I was awoken by noises, and still dumb with sleep, I rolled over, fully intent on going back to sleep when the soft noises ceased.

Then I heard it again. Bedsprings popping and creaking, and faintly, a voice.

No, not a voice, more like...

_A groan..?_

There it was again, and oh god it was most definitely the sound of bedsprings protesting against the weight of someone groaning and huffing.

For a split second, I thought I was in another crappy motel with thin walls hearing someone getting it, but then I remembered that I was back in the bunker.

I was _home_.

_So who was I hearing..?_

For a moment, I thought it was Sam, but his room was down the hall from mine, and it didn't exactly sound like Sam, and he would never bring some girl to the bunker.

Neither of us openly said that we wouldn't bring random girls we picked up to the bunker, but it was kind of a no brainer thing with all the precious and powerful books and shit lying around, plus, it was just easier to act like we were somebody else.

As the noises continued, and I couldn't find any rational explanation for them, I got up, wincing at my stupid lower body pain and silently opened my door, the noises growing a bit louder, and I wondered if I should just go back to bed, but when I heard a door click open, it was too fucking late for that.

I was wishing really fucking hard that this was a dream when Cas walked out of the room next to mine, looking winded and a bit flushed, when it hit me.

_Oh._

"Dean," he breathed, looking up at me, and I had to struggle to push the images that were trying to flood into my mind away. "Can you help me? I think it will work better now that you're here."

"W-what?" I stuttered, completely bewildered and I could feel the telltale signs of a blush coloring my cheeks.

"I can't do it." He frowned, looking completely defeated, his suit in a complete disarray, trench coat gone.

"Do what?" I asked hesitantly.

"My bed." He said, pushing open the door to the room and I was left more confused than ever. "Sam said since I was human, I'd need a place to sleep, so we purchased a bed for me and Sam gave me these things to cover it."

He stood in a pile of blankets, the mattress cover covering one corner, the other three corners wrinkled and not even close to where they needed to be.

_So those noises were Cas trying to cover his **mattress**._

I couldn't help it.

I busted out laughing, the noise loud and ringing in the silence, Cas cocking his head and looking at me in confusion.

"I don't understand how this is funny, Dean."

"I-it's nothing." I chuckled, taking a breath, trying to compose myself. "Where's Sam?"

"He went to make dinner."

"Sam can't cook to save his life."

Cas frowned.

"Is Sam's life at stake?" He sounded a bit panicked.

"No, no," I chuckled, Cas stepping back and watching me tuck in the corner of the sheet better, then tuck the other end of the sheet over the top right edge. "It's just a figure of speech."

"Oh." Cas said simply, and once I'd finished, I stepped back, admiring my work.

"Voila."

"Thank you Dean." He smiled and it caught me off guard.

I rarely ever saw him smile, and when I did, it was like seeing an entirely new side to him, and it was beautiful.

_His smile was beautiful... not... Cas..._

I flushed, squishing the thought in its tracks to avoid further self-embarrassment.

"Yeah." I cleared my throat, grabbing a blanket off the floor and walking around to the other side of the bed. "Here, let's finish it."

Nodding, Cas caught on to what I was doing, helping me fix his bed. We were pulling on the second sheet when I nodded to his neck.

"How do you feel?"

"I'm fine." He said easily, tucking the edge of his blanket around his bed with mathematical precision. "How are you Dean?"

"I'm fine." I chuckled slightly at how easy the response came to me.

"Did you sleep well?" Cas asked, fixing the blue blanket over his bed, not commenting on my chuckle.

I shrugged.

"I guess." I looked around for a clock, stepping over to him. "What time is it?"

"Just after nine."

"How do you know Cas? There's not even a clock in here."

"I was made at the dawn of creation, keeping track of something as menial as time is effortless." He straightened once he was satisfied with how his bed looked, turning his gaze to me.

I pondered what he said, pursing my lips then nodded.

_Made sense._

"So," I looked around his bare room, the only things even in it besides Cas and I were his bed, a small dresser, and a lamp. "How are you gonna to fix this place up?"

He tilted his head.

"I don't see anything in need of repair Dean."

I shook my head, sighing slightly.

"I meant decorate it."

"Oh." He looked around his room, thoughtful. "I'm not sure."

"It'll come to you." I patted his shoulder. "Why don't we check on Sam?"

Still looking at me, he nodded, and silently followed me out of his room, and we slowly made our way to the kitchen.

"Please tell me you made something edible and didn't put rabbit food on a plate." I said to Sam when we walked into the kitchen, sitting at the table, Cas sitting besides me.

"It's not "rabbit food", Dean, horses eat the same food as rabbits, and what is the one thing that makes cars perform better?" He looked at me over his shoulder.

"Horsepower..?" I tried.

"Exactly."

"Also, humans are designed to eat fruits. If you study the differences between a carnivores and a herbivores teeth structures, human teeth closely resemble the herbivores teeth structure." Cas chipped in. "Because each is perfectly designed to eat its diet."

I raised my eyebrow at him and Sam chuckled, continuing whatever he was doing.

"I have no idea what you just said, but I feel attacked right now _as_ a carnivore." I said, putting my hands on my chest for emphasis as Sam laughed. "Could you toss me a beer Sam?"

"Lucky for you," Sam handed me a beer, returning to the stove. "I'm making tacos."

"Please tell me you didn't burn anything." I popped the top off of my beer.

"Not as far as I can tell; why, does it smell like I did?"

"No, but you're prone to doing that."

Sam sighed, rolling his eyes, ignoring me.

I chuckled, taking a drink of my beer.

"I didn't mean to offend you Dean." Cas said suddenly, his hands in his lap, meeting my eyes when I turned to look at him.

"All is forgiven." I waved my hand, leaning my elbow on the table, my mouth watering as Sam brought Cas and I each a plate of four tacos and some rice, grabbing his plate before sitting across from us.

"I tried." Sam shrugged.

I grabbed one taco, tentatively taking a bite, expecting it to be overcooked or burnt like Sam had a knack for doing, but it was actually-

"Pretty damn good Sammy." I grinned. "I'm so proud."

He grinned, scooping up some rice.

"Shut up."

"What you think Cas?" I turned to him, watching him chew his food slowly, and I couldn't tell if he hated it or not with his ambiguous expression.

"It's good." He said slowly after he swallowed, face twisted with woe. "Just not used to it..."

I frowned.

"We'll get your grace back Cas."

He looked at me vacantly, just nodding, before turning back to his plate and eating.

Turning back to my own plate, I took another bite of my taco, looking at Sam.

"Find out anything new Sam?"

He shook his head.

"Nothing. Not a peep. But I was thinking about going back down to that bunker they kept you at and taking another look around."

"Not by yourself you're not."

Sam frowned.

"Dean, you can barely stand and Cas can't be out and risk opening his wound again, not to mention he's human now. It'll have to be just me."

" _Hell_ no!" I snapped, putting down my taco. "You saw what happened to Cas, and he barely got away! Do you have some kind of death wish?!"

"No, of course not." He said placidly, putting his spoonful of rice down. "But it might be the only way we can get answers."

" _My_ answer still stands."

"I wasn't asking." Sam said softly, looking up and looking me in the eye levelly.

I glowered at him.

"If I have to build a damn panic room like Bobby's to keep you here, I will."

He sighed.

"Dean-"

"No. I'm going with you or you're not going at all. End of story."

He sighed again, frowning, pushing his rice around on his plate.

Taking a breath, I continued eating, grabbing my second taco.

"Don't you want to know how we even found you?"

I froze, my taco stopping on its trail to my mouth.

"How..?" I asked warily.

"Remember Alfie? The kid angel?"

"Yeah..?" I said slowly, not sure where he was going with it.

"Remember how Cas found him? Well, we found you the same way..."

"They were torturing _angels_?" I asked incredulously.

"Well... it's worse than that..." Sam looked over at Cas, the two of them trading soulful looks.

"What do you mean...?" I asked warily, not sure I was going to like the answer.

"They were stealing their grace. They had killed at least a dozen angels."

"Stea- _why_?"

Sam shrugged.

"We didn't really get a chance to find out, and the place was pretty cleared out by the time we got in."

"Think Crowley is involved with this?"

"Stealing grace and working with witches? I think he's a bit more, I hate saying it, but for lack of better words, _sophisticated_ , than that."

I sighed, mulling it over.

"Yeah, you're probably right." I leaned back in my chair, Cas quietly eating next to me. "Maybe some new cats trying to get the best of Crowley?"

"I don't know." Sam said, looking over at Cas. "Cas, what would demons want with grace?"

"I don't know." He put down his taco, his brow furrowing as he thought to himself. "It would be no use to them, it's nothing like a human soul. The grace would reject them if they tried using it, because they're impure, abominations."

"What would happen if they tried using it?" I asked curiously.

He picked up his taco again, studying it with blasé eyes before responding.

"Then that demon would be faced with a wrath fiercer than any archangel. Since grace is comprised of purity, it is everything a demon isn't, therefore, commencing postmortem of the two colliding."

A small silence fell over the table as Cas resumed eating his taco.

"Well," I said, honestly enjoying the picture in my head of a demon exploding. "Isn't that peachy."

"Understatement." Cas muttered, continuing to stuff his face.

We all ate in brooding silence for awhile after that, each in his own thoughts before Cas spoke up.

"Dean?"

"Hmm?" I said, eating the last of my rice.

"Can we finish that movie? Princess Bride?"

Sam looked up at me, chuckling.

"You were watching Princess Bride?" He was grinning in amusement.

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes, feeling my cheeks heat up slightly as I was caught. "It's a classic."

"Uh-huh." Sam said disbelievingly, still smiling a shit-eating smile at me.

_Damn son of a bitch..._

"Dean said he wanted to enrich my mind," Cas went on, oblivious to my discomfort. "But then when I caught him observing me, he started blushing and told me to leave because he was tired and we'd finish it later."

I wished I could shrivel up and disappear, wishing and willing the _stupid_ burn in my cheeks away as I could feel Sam still looking at me in clear amusement.

"That's not exactly what happened-" I cut in, still trying to figure out exactly what I was going to say to get myself out of this.

"Like that." Cas was looking at me intently, his blue eyes roving over my face. "Dean looked just like that. Don't his freckles look like constellations Sam?"

Sam was just _laughing_ , and I wanted to strangle him, and shut Cas up, although I was still working out the details on how exactly I would do that.

"Yeah, they sure do Cas." Sam snickered, nearly in tears laughing.

I rolled my eyes, taking a long pull from my beer, as I stared off at the fridge.

"Dean? Can we finish that movie?" Cas prodded, Sam still laughing and I was scowling.

"If Sam will shut up and you'll quit talking about my damn freckles." I scowled at Cas, who instantly sobered, the glimmer in his eye gone and I felt a tiny twinge of guilt in response.

"Okay, okay." Sam took a breath, wiping his eyes, still laughing a bit. "I'll clean up."

Rolling my eyes, I got up, taking my beer with me.

"Fine. I'll get the damn movie ready."

Storming out of the kitchen, I took a breath once I was in the hallway, wishing I could just go back and erase the last five minutes, and punch that smug ass grin off Sam's face.   
Once I calmed down somewhat, the burn in my cheeks receding, I walked down the hallway and to our makeshift living room down the hallway. I rolled my shoulders as grabbed the ps4 controller, trying to dispel the discomfort and my irritation, turning on the TV.

"Dean?"

I jumped, dropping the controller that I was using to sign into the Netflix, whirling around to see Cas standing in the doorway.

"Jeez..." I leaned down to grab the controller, taking a breath. "Don't do that."

"I apologize." He shuffled a bit on his feet, looking down before back up at me. "I also apologize if I made you uncomfortable in the kitchen..."

"It's fine." I didn't look at him, just focused on finding the movie.

"I won't talk about your freckles anymore."

He sounded... _Sad_. For lack of a better word I could come up with.

I felt bad, but I didn't really know what to say, so I said the typical knee jerk response without looking at him.

"It's okay."

He didn't say anything in response, and I didn't bother to see what he thought of it.

"We ready to watch it?" Sam walked in a few moments later, and I sighed, relieved to be rid of the awkward silence.

"Yeah." I turned to sit in the recliner, but Sam snagged it before I could, and I glared at him.

"You didn't call it." Sam grinned, noticing my glower.

I just rolled my eyes, plopping down on the couch, Cas already sitting on the opposite side.

After some debate, we just decided to start the movie from the beginning. We all sat in silence once the movie started, watching the movie quietly, and I made sure to not look over at Cas again. It wasn't until Sam stood up much later, saying goodnight, that another word was spoken.

"Awe, come on Sammy. There's only like thirty minutes left." I pleaded.

"I've seen it before." Sam smiled a little, rubbing his face sleepily. "Night guys."

Cas and I said our good nights, then were left to ourselves.

With Sam presenting the idea, I started feeling weary myself, my eyelids growing heavy, but I fought it, struggling to stay awake. I fought hard, trying to stay awake for Cas' sake, but I could keep feeling myself drifting.

Away and back again, away and back, away and back.

 _Maybe I'll just take a nap... close my eyes for a moment._.. I thought to myself, closing my eyes.

God, it felt great to just give into my heavy eyelids, let the weariness have me. It was like laying on your back on water, just floating, in that in-between place of consciousness and sleep; a sort of torpidity.   
As I faded in and out, I could vaguely hear the sounds from the movie, but in time, that faded into the background, my limbs becoming heavier and heavier, and eventually, it all faded to black.


	9. The Witch in White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the reads, it makes me so happy to see how many people have read my story every time I log in. cx
> 
> Also, Merry Christmas ^-^

Nine

 _Morning_.

I could slowly feel myself waking up, coming to awareness.

It was so warm in bed.

I heard soft, rhythmic breathing next to me, and warmth.

 _Lisa_.

I sighed, still sleepy, cuddling closer to her, resting my head on her shoulder.

She stirred, but didn't wake, just curled around me, resting her head on top of mine, sighing softly in contentment.

She smelled different than what I remembered; like the forest after it rained, damp, rain soaked wood, and something sweet... Like honey...

_Must've bought a new shampoo or perfume or some crap. I'd have to tell her later that I liked it._

God, I had forgotten how soft and warm she was; I hadn't felt this safe or content in awhile, and I was relishing the moment. I wrapped my arm around her waist, moving closer to her, holding her tight against me, and she curled up against me in response.

_Wait._

_What the hell._

Since when did she grow about two times her normal size and become so... Angular? And soft and firm in all the wrong places?

Oh _shit_.

I abruptly remembered that Lisa wasn't here anyone, and that I was on the couch.

_With Cas._

_I was cuddling with **Cas**._

Gasping, my eyes flew open, and I scrambled to untangle myself from his embrace, and in my haste, I consequently fell off the couch, Cas jumping awake, blinking in confusion.

"Dean..?" He rubbed his eyes, attempting to rub the sleep away, his voice still thick with sleep and deeper than normal. "Wh- are you okay?"

"I-I'm- I'm fine." I stuttered, trying to pull myself to my feet, my cheeks seemingly on fire.

He blinked, looking down at me. He looked a mix of half awake, half asleep, his hair in a total disarray as if he had just been well pleasured, and it did nothing to help the burn on my cheeks.

"Dean?" He tried again, but I was already on my feet and almost out of the room.

"Going to the bathroom Cas." I said quickly tripping over my own feet in my haste to get out.

"Dean-!" He called after me, but I was already out of the room and down the hallway, making a beeline for my room and shutting the door behind me.

Whirling around, I closed my eyes, leaning against my door.

Oh _god_... this couldn't be _happening_.

I was freaking cuddling _Cas_ for fucks sake. _Cas_ of all people. Er, angels, or, people, or what the hell ever.

_But you didn't know, a part of me defended myself. You thought he was Lisa... you just miss Lisa..._

But he was cuddling back...

_Oh god no._

I shook my head, attempting to dispel my discomfort and self-embarrassment, rubbing my face with my hands, warring with myself.

No, he was just asleep, and it was a natural reaction. Lisa did- had done the same thing to me whenever I came home late from work and cuddled up next to her. It was a normal, knee jerk reaction.

But it was _not_ normal to cuddle with your guy friends on the couch, and it sure as hell wasn't normal for them to cuddle _back_.

I shuddered, my mind racing.

 _Stop_ , I scolded myself. _You were dreaming, and you mistook him for Lisa, and he just reacted as anyone would. He was asleep, and it was an accident, and that's it. Besides, he probably doesn't even know what happened and it's not like he knew better._

I sighed, feeling a tiny bit better, as this explanation was perfectly plausible and happened to be the truth.

_But what if he wants to talk about it?_

"Damn it..." I muttered, rubbing the bridge of my nose as I tried to ignore the wave of anxiety that swept over me at the thought.

Then suddenly, I remembered Sam mentioning the old bunker from where I had been prisoner over the last few weeks.

_Yes, I can do that with Sam. We need to._

"Thank you Sam." I muttered, looking up at my ceiling, sighing in relief.

Pushing myself off my door, I set off to get dressed.

  
\-------------

After getting dressed and taking about four aspirins and sighing in relief to see that Cas was in his room with the door shut, I walked into the kitchen to join Sam to eat some breakfast, who was drinking some green smoothie like the health nut he was.

"I don't know how you get by just by drinking grass." I grimaced as he drank some of his smoothie, eating my bacon I had cooked, sitting across from him.

"It's not grass; it's kale and bananas."

"All I heard was "gross" and "yuck"." I made a face then ate my eggs.

"Like chicken periods are any better?"

I blanched.

"Shut up Sam."

He laughed, drinking his smoothie, a companionable silence settling over us for a bit.

"Hey Sam, I was thinking we should go check out that bunker today." I inspected my bacon indifferently before eating it.

He looked at me wearily.

"Dean, we talked about this."

"I feel fine." I said, finishing my eggs.

He raised an eyebrow.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Never felt better."

He nodded slowly, skeptical.

"Uh-huh..."

I rolled my eyes.

"Come on, I haven't been out of the bunker in days."

"For good reason Dean."

"Yeah, but I'm okay! I want to do something. And we need to go anyways."

He frowned.

"Come on Sammy, it's empty right? What's the worst that could possibly happen?"

He scowled at me.

"Really Dean. Do I need to remind you what happened to Cas?"

I said nothing, sighing, ignoring the anxiety that swept through me at Cas' name.

Sam did his usual constipated frown, finishing his smoothie and I finished my own breakfast before Sam heaved a defeated sigh.

"Fine. But any sign of demons or witches, and we leave. Deal?"

"Sounds good." I stood up, putting away my plate. "I'll get the impala ready."

"Don't you want to tell Cas we'll be gone?"

"You can do that." I nodded at him, walking out of the kitchen before Sam could retort, quickly making my way to the garage.

Damn, it felt nice to feel like I could walk straight again without the pain crippling me like an old man, but I knew that my aspirin idea would probably kick me in the ass later.  
I would care about it then.

Opening up the trunk of the impala, I checked to see if all our guns and badges were in place, and once I was satisfied with that, I moved on, going back to the kitchen to fill the cooler.

It was about twenty minutes later when both Sam and I were ready to go, Cas not making an appearance much to my relief as we set off, the purr of the impala music to my ears.

I was putting in my cassette tape of The Yardbirds, keeping the volume down low since Sam was a gripey old women about the classics, when he spoke.

"What's up with Cas?"

"Hmm?" I muttered, trying to be indifferent to his question as I put in the tape.

"Cas. He seemed... upset."

"Well yeah," I leaned back, satisfied when the music started playing. "Dude just lost his grace. Again."

Sam frowned.

"Yeah, but-" He broke off, the first cords of Turn Into Earth playing.

"But what?" I glanced over at him.

"Nothing. I guess you're right."

"Well," I looked back at the road, flexing my fingers over the steering wheel. "Maybe we'll find those sons of bitches and kick some ass and get his grace back."

"We didn't come to "kick ass", Dean." Sam reminded me firmly.

I sighed.

"You know what I mean."

He said nothing more and I turned up the radio, not giving a damn if he liked it or not, continuing off down the road.

  
\-------------

  
It was about thirty minutes later when we arrived at the bunker, Sam directing me to the abandoned piece of land.

"I was that close?" I said incredulously as I parked the impala.

"Yeah." Sam sounded ashamed. "I'm sorry we couldn't find you sooner..."

"It's fine." I got out of the car, looking around, a large, concrete door sticking out of the ground like a tombstone. "Looks empty."

"Won't know until we get inside." Sam opened the trunk, grabbing a shotgun.

"Yeah." I followed his lead, putting my pistol in the waistband of my pants before grabbing a shotgun, loading it with some rock salt. "Ready?"

Sam nodded and after closing the trunk, we started making our way to the door, our feet crunching over the gravel.  
Sam pulled it open the door with a grunt when we reached it, revealing a dark, gaping hole and I hesitated, not really wanting to go back in there.

"There should be a light switch somewhere around here..." Sam said, turning on his flashlight and stepping inside, looking around, oblivious to my hesitation.

Frowning a bit, I stepped inside, turning on my own flashlight and looking around.

From what I could see, it was just one long concrete hallway that went seemingly on and on, but then I heard Sam exclaim in the darkness.

"Ah! Here we go."

Something clicked then the room we entered was flooded with lights, two different hallways branching off left and right.

"The left hallway is where the cells are at," Sam said, pointing them out. "The right was the science lab."

I nodded.

"I'll check the cells."

"Not alone."

"I'll be fine." I rolled my eyes, starting off in that direction, Sam sighing behind me, saying nothing more and he didn't follow me.

As I wound deeper and deeper into the tunnels, I started feeling claustrophobic, the memories of my time returning to me. The air was stale and thick with the smell of mold and I pulled the collar of my shirt up, covering my nose.

_God... and I was breathing that shit in for what, a month?_

The tunnel I was following was lined with massive cracks, some parts of the walls bowing in dangerously and I tiptoed around them, the imminent choking feeling of a possible cave in at any second not helping my steadily building anxiety.

But damn, no wonder I couldn't hear anything in my cell - I had walked at least a half mile back, and still wasn't seeing anything until I rounded a crumbling corner and saw a thick, metal door.

I hesitantly pulled it open, the heavy door scraping slightly over the uneven floor, its metallic quivers echoing off down the corridor like screams, growing fainter the farther they got.

But nothing compared to the smell that hit my face and I gagged, stepping back as I was instantly hit with the repugnant smell of mold, unwashed bodies, feces and death. Stepping back, I walked back into the hallway, the once somewhat bearable smell of mold in the hallway becoming even worse with the new smells I introduced from the cells.

Steeling myself, I stepped back into the cell room, flicking on the light switch to the cells, illuminating a row of ten doors, all sealed shut. Moving forward to open the first door, trying not to breathe and preparing myself for anything, my shotgun on the ready, I opened it, jumping back, aiming my gun in the cell.

It was empty, and the sounds of the door creaking open along with my footsteps were bouncing off the walls like crazy, almost as if they were excited to hear themselves.

Taking a step closer, I shined my flashlight in the cell.

It was an exact replica of mine, shackles screwed into the left wall and on the floor, mold and moisture trickling down the walls, green growths flourishing all over it and I jumped as a cockroach ran away from my flashlight beam. The floor was brown and black from various growths I didn't even want to think about, and god knows when the last time it was cleaned, because remains from its last inhabitants lack of use from a restroom was slowly decomposing on the floor and the smell was rancid.

Finding nothing of interest, and in a hurry to move on because I was getting more and more disgusted by the second, I inspected the next cells, repeating my dance of opening doors, finding nothing. It wasn't until I got to the fifth door, did I recognize the jagged bottom of the door, the two distinct cracks along it.

_My cell._

Slowly pulling it open, I saw now that it wasn't anything special from the other cells, and my blood from the cuffs chaffing my wrists was still on the curved metal.

It felt eerie being back, wrong, somehow, and I abruptly felt that I wasn't alone, although I had no reason to feel that way, and I would've known if a ghost had decided to join the horror show.

Shuddering, I moved on, the smell growing worse and worse and as I reached the end of the cells, and I wasn't sure if it was because I was releasing the smell, or if there really was something dead like I was starting to suspect.

The final cell revealed my suspicions and I gagged, almost retching onto the floor as the smell became completely unbearable, the slowly rotting corpse still changed to the wall being the source.

Once I'd collected myself, holding my breath, I stepped inside the cell, carefully searching the man's pockets for some ID, but all I got for my trouble was feeling dirtier than I already felt and almost retching again. With a sigh, I stood up, closing the door again, walking out of the cell block, rushing down the hallway.

I took deep, greedy breaths of air when I made it back to the central room, taking a moment to compose myself and get the air that my lungs were screaming for back into me. Once I felt like I could more or less breathe again, I walked into the lab wing.

"Sam?" I called out, looking into two rooms, furnished with cabinets and metal operation tables, but not Sam.

"Yeah!" He yelled out, his voice sounding farther down and I walked into another room, finding him on his knees digging through cabinets. "How- what the-"

He sniffed the air, making a face.

"Dude, you _reek_."

"Thanks. I'd like to call my new cologne line, _Death a la Mold_." I rolled my eyes. "I found something."

"Great, because I've found jack." He held up old, crumbling papers that were barely even legible.

"Hope you feel like doing an autopsy, because someone didn't clean up evidence as good as they thought."

Sam grimaced.

"A body?"

"Yeah." I frowned. "Poor son of a bitch."

"Okay." he stood up, brushing off his hands on his jeans. "From what I've seen, they're cleared everything out. If you didn't know better, you'd think this place hasn't been touched since the day the soldiers packed up and left."

"Well, I'll keep looking while you take a look at the body." I said, grabbing one of the surgical tables, the wheels on it barely moving, but it was enough, along with some old gloves.

"Why do I have to look at the body?" Sam whined, following me down the hallway.

"Because you're the one who went to college." I smirked.

"Yeah, for law, Dean, not human anatomy."

"Law smaw, you're doing it."

Sam groaned, grumbling as he followed me down the hallway leading us to the cells, suddenly sniffing and exclaiming.

"Oh god.." He covered his nose, his eyes narrowing with disgust.

"If you thought I smelled bad, just wait." I grinned at him, covering my nose with my shirt, rounding the corner then walking into the cell room, walking straight to the end, pulling on the gloves I brought.

Sam held the surgical table steady as I uncuffed the poor bastard, lifting him up and putting him on the table, jumping as some roaches skittered away from where his body had been.

It was a somber, quiet journey back to the labs, and it became a bit easier to breathe once we were out of the cell wing, but the decomposing corpse was no flower. I helped Sam get the body back into the lab, leaving him to his devices as I left the room, taking a look around.

I poked and pried and searched through every cabinet in the next two rooms I stepped foot in, but like Sam said, it appeared to have been left in the same state it was when it was abandoned, and I was getting frustrated. I even found the wall blown completely out of one room, recognizing it as the secret room Deyanira tried to hide me in before Cas saved me.

 _Cas_...

I hadn't thought about him in hours, and I was quick to push the current thought of him away, despising the tight anxiety and fear at the thought of him.

Quickly moving on to the last room, I stopped, recognizing it. It was the same lab Deyanira used when she was testing on me and shit.

I hated the memory, and I honestly just wanted to set the room to flame; find that bitch and throw her in with it, see how she liked being tested-

"Dean!"

I jumped, startled out of my trance, wondering where my sudden, irrational, violent thoughts had come from, running back to the room Sam was in.

"Yeah?" I raised my eyebrows, closing my eyes as I was overwhelmed with the smell of death and sulfur and the grotesque sight of the large cuts Sam had made to the dead guy's belly as I walked into the room.

"Come look at this." He waved me over.

"Why's it smell like sulfur in here?" I asked, covering my nose as I stepped over to him.

"I have no idea, but look at his blood."

He pointed to some of the veins he had severed, and I hesitantly leaned closer. The blood was an odd reddish black color, with big flecks of yellow in it.

"What the hell?" I muttered, looking closer.

"I know." Sam pinched the vein, causing more of the reddish black, yellow goop to come out. "I think it's sulfur."

"Sulfur?" I spat, looking up at him. "How's that even possible? Demons don't die of starvation."

I looked pointedly at the corpses gaunt body, clearly screaming lack of nutrition.

Sam shrugged, poking around some more.

"I think we should have Cas take a look."

"Cas?" I choked, coughing to hide the crack in my voice. "Can't you just send him a picture or something?"

"He might catch something I haven't." He frowned, looking up at me. "Did you guys get into a fight or something last night?"

"What? No." I scoffed, rolling my eyes, stepping away and leaning on the counter.

He narrowed his eyes infinitesimally, clearly not believing me.

"Is this about what happened at dinner?"

For a moment, I was so busy thinking about the incident from this morning, that I almost thought Sam knew before I caught myself and remembered the freckles thing.

"No, no." I sighed, shaking my head. "I was just asking, and you said yourself that he shouldn't leave the bunker until he heals more."

"Well, there's nobody here." Sam looked back down at the body, cutting away more skin and I looked away. "I don't think it can get much safer than this."

"What if somebody comes? I don't want to leave you here by yourself."

"I'll be fine Dean. Go get Cas."

I sighed, digging out my keys.

"Fine. Since you're being a stubborn son of a bitch."

He frowned at me, but I turned and walked out, trying not to picture how the thirty minute ride alone with Cas was going to go.

 _Awesome_.

\-----------------

Thirty minutes later, I had explained everything to Cas, and we were both in the car on our way to the bunker.

I had tried playing the radio, but when all I could find on five different radio stations were cringy break up songs or one sided love affairs, I gave up, chuckling nervously and turning it off.

Cas said nothing, and the silence was wearing and tense, not to mention awkward as hell.

I was trying to think of the lyrics to Eye Of the Tiger when Cas finally spoke.

"Dean?"

"What." I said shortly, not looking at him, internally swearing to myself when I ran into some traffic.

"Are you okay? You seem upset."

"M'fine." I muttered, changing lanes in an effort to go faster.

He didn't say anything, but out of the corner of my eye, I could see him frowning at me.

"Are you upset about this morning?"

_Damn, I knew that was coming._

"It was an accident." I said sharply, accelerating a bit too quickly.

"I didn't say you were at fault, Dean."

I sighed, not sure what to say.

"Dean?"

"Yeah."

"Are you lonely?"

I looked over at him, scoffing and rolling my eyes.

"Why would I be lonely? If I'm hungry, I get food. If I'm thirsty, I get a beer. If I want a woman, I go to the bar. I'm fine."

He was quiet for a bit before he spoke softly.

"I meant about Ben and Lisa..."

I tensed, having not heard their names said aloud in weeks, barely even saying them in my own head.

"I'm fine."

"Are you, Dean?"

I turned to roll my eyes at him and say some sarcastic remark, but he was looking at me, blue eyes meeting mine. He wasn't angry, or pitying, just listening, wanting to hear my response. He was allowing me to tell him what happened, which I hadn't told a soul what exactly happened since the event. He was letting me unveil my grief to him, lower my burden that I've shouldered these past near three months, wanting to share it with me, take on that pain that I had drank and pushed away and cursed at in the dark on the long nights when I couldn't sleep.  
Somehow, in that piercing, ultra observant way of his, he saw the incident from this morning for what it really was; my loneliness, my grief, my pain manifesting itself, looking for some warmth, some solace to heal itself in.

I looked away.

"I am."

He said nothing, and I could've sworn I heard a soft sigh, but I ignored it, blinking my eyes to keep the steadily building tears at bay, not wanting, not letting myself break.

Now wasn't the time for that.

The rest of the drive was a quiet one, but not as tense.

I turned down the gravel drive leading to the old bunker, swearing when I saw a blacked out SUV parked outside.

"Damn it..." I muttered, slamming the brakes as soon as I was next to the stranger car, parking the car and pulling out my pistol. "Stay here." I said firmly to Cas, not waiting for his consent as I jumped out of the impala, aiming my gun towards the car, carefully circling it, trying to open the doors, but with no success.

"You know, it's not nice to try and take what isn't yours."

I whirled around, glaring when I saw who it was.

" _You_." I spat.

"Me." Deyanira smiled, doing a little twirl, her short, white lacy dress spinning with the movement, almost like a blooming flower. "Haven't you missed me Dean?"

"I've missed the thought of experimenting on you in that damn lab of yours."

"As yummy as you are Dean, and I'm sure you could show me a good time," she smiled coyly, her blue eyes twinkling in the light. "I'll pass. You didn't think I'd let you just walk out on our plan, did you?"

"I figured you'd just call me and we could schedule it."

She laughed, stepping closer to me, her tan, exposed skin seemingly endless.

"You know, why don't we test something? You said you like experimenting, right?" She smiled at me, and if she wasn't a total bitch, I might've thought she was a total babe like how I did back when I first met her.

I stepped back, pointing my pistol at her face, directly between her eyes.

"How 'bout we see how much hotter you get with a bullet in your face?"

"Dean! Is that how your mother raised you to treat women?" She put a delicate hand over her heart, feigning shock.

"Dean?" I heart Cas call my name, and my heart stopped in fear, whirling around.

"Cas-!"

Before I could even say anything to warn him, Deyanira had spit out a phrase of latin, sending Cas to the ground in spasms.

" _Cas!_ " I yelled in terror, whirling around back to her, aiming and preparing to pull the trigger. "You evil _bitch!_ Call the spell _off! Now!_ "

She just looked between Cas and I, a small, devious smile rising on her face with such malevolence, I felt the hairs on my neck stand straight up.

"Change of plans." Uttering a phrase in latin, I was suddenly frozen in place, unable to move at all, and I was utterly repulsed when she kissed me, pulling away with a wink.

"Ciao Dean." She laughed, unlocking the black SUV, jumping back inside and peeling off, and I was released from the spell, choking and coughing as I collapsed to the ground.


	10. Delirium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for over 150 reads and I hope you all have a great New Years tomorrow, and that 2017 will bring great opportunities and memories for you. <3

Ten

"So... she _kissed_ you?!"

"No Sam, she slapped me- _yes_ she kissed me!"

"Would you have preferred her wearing a Zorro mask?" He ducked his head, trying not to laugh.

"This is _serious_ Sam!" I glowered at him, and I might've wrung his neck if he wasn't driving.

After Deyanira left, I was left writhing on the ground in agony for a good solid ten minutes, ending up blacking out for most of it. I came to seeing a worried Sam and Cas hovering over me, slamming me with ' _are you okay's'._  
Once I could stand, we quickly packed and hit the road after that, Sam and Cas not understanding what had happened to me.

Sam sighed.

"Sorry. How are you feeling?"

"Fine. _Too_ fine."

Sam frowned.

"Do you remember what she even said?"

"No." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose. "Everything is a bit fuzzy right before I blacked out." Taking a breath, I turned, putting my arm over the seat of the impala, looking over at Cas, who was staring out the window. "What about you Cas? Are you okay?"

He looked over at me, concern still in his eyes.

"I'm okay Dean. You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

I looked back out the windshield.

"Did you learn anything else about John Doe?"

"No." Sam sighed heavily and I looked over at him.

"What do you mean?" I asked warily, not liking his defeated tone.

"Meaning, the whole thing was a diversion." He frowned. "I heard footsteps down the hallway and when I went to see if it was you guys, I was jumped. By the time I fought them off, the body was gone."

"Son of a bitch..." I muttered, sighing. "So we have nothing. _Awesome_."

I crossed my arms, leaning back with a huff.

"Not entirely. Now I can do some research on abnormal sulfur levels in the blood." Sam said, turning down the last street that led to the bunker, the sky growing orange as sunset approached.

"And what if you can't find out anything before whatever mumbo jumbo Deyanira put on me takes effect? You know as well as I do that she wasn't telling me poetry."

Sam clenched his jaw.

"Like I said, the whole thing was a diversion to clean up the mess they left behind, so maybe, all she wanted to do was just get you guys out of the way."

"Then why the hell did she say, " _change of plans_ " then fucking kiss me? I feel so dirty.." I shuddered.

Nobody responded, and I didn't like the silence.

"Probably trying to mess with your head." Sam said finally, not looking over at me, but I had a feeling that he was just as scared about it as I was.

Settling back in my seat, I tried not to feel like I was a ticking time bomb as nobody said anything else for the rest of the way home.

  
\---------

  
After putting our stuff up, Sam went straight to his computer, Cas joining him to try and help him, and I went straight to go shower.

I smelled like shit, the smell of death and mold clinging to my clothes, and I was in a hurry to rid myself of them as soon as I got to my room. Dumping my clothes in the hamper, I walked into my bathroom, turning on the water and stepping in once it was warm.

Despite the hot water easing my bruised body, I could feel the ache in my back and legs returning again, the aspirins wearing off and I was debating on taking more when I got out, deciding against it.   
I dressed, walking down the hallway and to the kitchen where Cas and Sam still sat, staring Superman laser beams at his laptop.

"Find anything?" I asked as I opened the fridge, pulling out bread and cheese and some butter.

"Nothing that would give a rational explanation to our situation." Sam sighed, looking over at me, noticing what I was doing. "Could you make me one?"

"Sure." I pulled out an extra plate. "Cas?"

"Please." He stood up. "I'll help you."

"No, it's okay Cas." I said, grabbing a third plate.

He paid me no mind, grabbing the bread and laying eight pieces of bread on our griddle.

Stepping over, I stopped him from putting the cheese on it.

"The secret to good grilled cheese," I grabbed a butter knife, slicking it up with some butter. "Is putting butter on it."

I showed him how to cover the bread with butter, and once I thought they were ready, I had him flip the bread slices over, repeating the process to those sides. Then once the butter melted some, I told him to add the cheese, then we put bread on top of it, waiting for the cheese to melt. Once we made two for each of us, and cutting up one apple since Sam was whining about " _needing to balance it out_ ", we all sat down to eat, thinking to ourselves in companionable silence.

"This is really good Dean." Cas said over his second grilled cheese, looking at me from which seemed to be quickly becoming his spot at the table, right next to me.

"You helped too." I reminded him, eating one of my apple slices, trying to finish those before my grilled cheese.

_Best for last._

"Yes, but you showed me."

"No need to get nostalgic here." I chuckled a bit awkwardly, looking off over at the fridge as it turned on with a loud hum.

Sam chuckled from his post across from me, still doing research.

"Somethin' funny Sam?" I asked, directing my gaze over to him.

"Nothing," he was still looking at his computer.

"Sounds hilarious."

He made a face at me, closing his laptop, yawning.

"I'm beat, so I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll try to see if I can find anything in the morning." He got up, putting his plate in the sink. "Night guys."

"Night." I said, following his lead, discarding my empty plate in the sink, Sam walking out of the room.

"Dean, could we watch another movie?" Cas looked at me, a hopeful look in his eye as he finished the last of his grilled cheese.

I thought back to this morning, and I looked away from him, my chest clenching in anxiety.

"Maybe another time. I'm pretty tired."

He frowned a little.

"Okay."

"But you can watch movies if you want." I leaned on the counter, scratching my bicep. "It's pretty easy with the Netflix."

"Alright. Goodnight Dean."

I nodded, pushing myself off the counter, more than ready for bed since the soreness I felt earlier was getting stronger by the minute.

"Dean?"

I stopped, stepping back in the doorway.

"Yeah?"

He opened his mouth to speak, then shut it, like he wasn't sure if he wanted to say what he had planned to.

"What Cas?" I prodded, yawning.

"Never mind. Goodnight."

I nodded, waving in farewell before making the seemingly long trek to my room.   
I was having trouble brushing my teeth, growing wearier and I sighed in relief when I rolled into bed, turning off my lamp.

_Damn, nothing was better than rolling into bed after a long day._

I sighed, pushing my arms under my pillow and laying on my stomach, closing my eyes and letting my weariness have me.

  
\---------

  
I opened my eyes, leaning back on the leather couch I was sitting on, drinking my whiskey.   
The room was dark, strobing multi-colored lights flashing and pulsing, the music pounding seemingly in my chest as well as everywhere else. People were dancing in every corner, and god, there were hot chicks _everywhere_.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads, blue hair, green - every hair color you could imagine. There was a woman every height, body shape and race you could name. My eyes couldn't decide where to linger before some new beauty passed by me, capturing my attention.

Son of a _bitch_ , I couldn't decide who I wanted to hit on first - they were all so _perfect_.

I chewed on my bottom lip, tapping on my whiskey glass with my index finger, thinking to myself when a tall blonde stepped out of the crowd.

She had long, tanned, shapely legs that contrasted beautifully with her short, white lacy dress that almost looked out of place in our surroundings. Her form was perfect, lithe, but curvy, long wavy blonde hair cascading down her back, her blue eyes landing on me, roving over me, sending a tingle up my spine.

I met her gaze, smirking at her.

She smiled coyly at me, walking over to me and I sat up straighter, moving over so she could sit next to me.

"Thought you looked a little lonely over here all by yourself." She said, taking the whiskey bottle and a glass cup from the coffee table across from us and pouring herself a shot.

"Oh really?" I chuckled, taking another drink of my whiskey. "I could say the same for you."

"Well, it seems we both could use some company." She smiled at me, a hint of deviousness to it. "I'm Deyanira, but you can call me Nira." She smiled over the rim of her cup, taking a drink of the amber liquid.

"I'm Dean."

"Well, Dean." She raised her glass. "Here's to us."

"To us." I clinked my glass with hers, taking a swig of my drink, keeping my eyes on her.

She did the same, finishing her glass and putting it aside. Then she leaned forward, taking my cup slowly, a devilish gleam in her eyes as she put my cup down, cupping my chin with one hand and pulling me in for a kiss.

I raised my eyebrows is surprise, but I wasn't complaining.

Gently cupping the back of her head, I complied, returning her chaste kiss, letting her control it.

When she pulled away, letting us both breathe, I played with her chocolate brown, almost black wavy hair, her sky blue eyes sparkling and twinkling with a hundred unsaid things, and she was leaning back in for another kiss, this one more pressing and demanding.   
I easily returned her fervor, the music and laughter beginning to melt and bleed into the background as the kiss got more heated. I ran my hand down to the back of her neck, tangling my fingers in the fine hairs on the edge of her scalp. I gasped when she climbed into my lap, her fingers in my hair and my free hand landed on her thigh. She ran her tongue across my bottom lip and I replied in same, the both of us exploring each others mouths until my lungs were burning and demanding air, forcing me to break it.

"You wanna take this somewhere else?" I purred, chuckling.

Then I opened my eyes, and my heart nearly flew out of my chest in shock and I was burning with mortification.

The brunette babe that had been mouth fucking me seconds before, had somehow transformed into someone different entirely.

Now, it was _Cas_ sitting in my lap, cheeks flushed pink, lips a bit swollen and wet from kissing, hair sticking up in all directions, like my hands had been tugging and pulling at it. His pupils were dark and dilated wide in lust, which were trained solely on my lips, which were currently parted in shock.

"W-what-" I stammered, trying to figure out what exactly the hell happened and where the chick went and I fucking _squeaked_ when Cas leaned down, kissing at my neck, his stubble scraping lightly against my skin, sending shivers up and down my spine.

No, no, no, _no_...

What the _hell_ was he _doing_? He needed to get _off_ of me right _now_!

But as much as I was freaking out and wanting to shove him off me and run like a bat out of hell, I was seemingly frozen in place. I felt outside of myself as my head fell against the back of the couch as Cas continued to kiss and mouth at my neck, fingers tangling in my hair, blunt fingernails scraping lightly across my scalp, sending tingles over my skin. He started kissing up along my jaw, then to my ear, gently nibbling on my earlobe and I shuttered, my hands gripping his biceps tightly, which had gotten there somewhere along the way, although I didn't remember how or when. My heart was racing so fast, it could probably rival a cheetah's top speed, and a part of me wondered how I wasn't going into cardiac arrest. My breathing was harsh and choppy, and it felt hard to breathe, because all I could smell was wet wood and honey. It was Cas, Cas, Cas, _Castiel_ everywhere.  
Cas pulled away slightly, his lips barely grazing my ear, world seemingly stopping, holding its breath with me as I waited for his next move, nothing but the sound of my heartbeat and Cas' soft breaths piercing that suspension.

"I love you." He whispered softly, his voice deep and thick with passion and conviction, causing me to shiver, and I could feel myself melting into him, and I knew I was putty in his hands.

Suddenly, the loud pounding of the music was gone, as was the flashing lights, the couch, everything.

The only thing left, was blue eyes gazing into mine, looking at me as if I held the stars in the palm of my hand.

  
\---------

  
I gasped, shooting straight up, panting and sweating profusely through my shirt.

My heart was racing, and I blinked, blue eyes seemingly burned into my vision, and I was trembling, terrified.

_What the hell what that! What in the actual fuck was going on?!_

I took a shaky breath, jumping when I heard a knock at my door.

"Y-yeah?" I stammered, rubbing my face with sweaty palms.

"Dean? Are you alright?"

_Oh fuck it was **Cas**._

I panicked, scrambling to untangle myself from the moist bedsheets, my shirt sticking to my skin from my sweat.

"Dean?" He tried again, concerned, and when I didn't answer, he opened the door, and in my haste to disappear into my bathroom, I fell to the floor in a tangle of blankets, swearing.

"Dean?!" He rushed into my room, flicking on the light, efficiently blinding me. "Are you alright? I heard you yell."

I blinked furiously, struggling to regain my vision and get my bearings. As my vision returned to me, Cas was slowly coming into focus, kneeling before me, his face wrinkled in concern, blue eyes wide and probing, and he was so close, I could almost smell him, that wet wood and honey.

"I-I-I'm fine," I stammered, trying to get away, but I hit my head on the edge of my nightstand, wincing in pain and leaning forward, cupping the back of my head with my hand, swearing.

"Does this have to do with the spell Deyanira put on you?!" He asked, panicked, his hand touching my arm lightly.

"What? _No_!" I snapped, slapping his hand away, growing angry, wanting him to just fuck off. " _Leave_ me alone! Just get _out_!"

He pulled away, his face falling, looking down at the floor in remorse, but he didn't move.

"Are you alright Dean?" He wasn't looking at me still.

"I'm _fine_." I hissed, wishing he would just go away; that his thick scent would quit saturating the very air I was breathing like a toxin.

He took a soft breath, shifting on his thighs, and I suddenly noticed that his hair was wet, skin flushed pink from a fresh shower.   
I swallowed thickly, trying not to picture his lips the same flushed color from my nightmare.

"I will leave you be." Cas finally said softly, a beat of silence passing before he quietly stood up, walking out and closing the door softly behind him.

I exhaled heavily, leaning my head back against my nightstand gingerly, closing my eyes.

_God, what was I going to do?_

Taking a breath, I untangled myself from my sheets, robotically undressing, jumping into the shower a bit later, struggling not to think about my dream as I stood comatose in the shower.

_Son of a bitch, I needed a drink..._

As soon as I was in my robe and a pair of boxers about fifteen minutes later and still just as tensed as I was stepping into a hot shower, I tiptoed past Cas' room, the door closed much to my relief. I made my way down the halls, sneaking into the empty kitchen, flicking on the lights.   
I breathed a silent huff of relief, reaching into the fridge, grabbing a beer and opening it, quickly downing some of its contents, some of the bitter liquid trickling down my cheeks in my haste.

I needed something stronger. And _now_.

I walked over to the cabinets, pulling out the bottle of tequila we kept on hand on the top shelf along with a shot glass. The tequila was usually for unorthodox uses, but it was there nonetheless.

Pouring myself a shot, I quickly downed it, pealing off its sky blue label in irritation, tossing it to the ground as I poured myself another shot.

And another.

And another.

_Hell, when did I end up on the floor?_

I laughed to myself, taking a sip from the tequila bottle, the burn long gone.

Yes, this was pleasure.

_Me likey._

I took another lazy sip, putting the bottle to the side as I felt the need to lie down, yawning to myself.

_It was cozy down here.._

I laughed to myself again, humming Back In Black to myself until I succumbed to the warmth of the alcohol.


	11. It's Complicated

  
Eleven

"Dean, wake up."

I groaned, moving slightly.

"Come on, you need to get up."

I exhaled, opening my eyes, squinting at the bright lights.

"Oh damn it." I muttered, closing my eyes again at the tight pain in my eye sockets from the blazing lights.

"Dude, you are hammered..." I could hear the frown in Sam's voice. "What happened?"

"Tequila." I grumbled, wishing he would leave me alone so I could sleep.

"I see that." I could hear the near empty sloshing of a bottle being picked up.

My stomach churned painfully at that and I gagged, coughing.

I heard a trashcan being dragged over to me, and not a moment too soon, because I was retching the remnants of the previous night, groaning when it was all over, feeling weary and drained.

"Come on Dean." Sam grabbed my bicep, hauling me up to my feet.

I struggled to keep my balance as he helped me walk to my room, my entire body aching and sore from sleeping on the floor and from the alcohol leaving my system.   
He helped me into the bathroom, directing me to brush my teeth. When I was done, he helped me back into bed, which he had fixed while I was cleaning out my mouth. I collapsed into it gratefully, sighing.

"Dean?" Sam said after awhile, pulling me back from the cusp of sleep.

"Hmm." I muttered, not caring all to much on what he was saying.

"Wanna talk about what happened in there."

"How about not." I scoffed, not even opening my eyes or lifting my head from the pillow to look at him.

He sighed.

"Dean, come on. Don't act like I don't know what this is."

I froze, my blood running cold as I abruptly remembered my dream.

_Shit, did he know?_

"This is about Ben and Lisa.. isn't it?"

My heart ached at their names, and I winced, biting back tears.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not Dean. You're drinking, you're not yourself, and you've been yelling at Cas. Come on, you don't think I know?" he looked at me despairingly when I looked at him.

"Look, we're just worried about you. You haven't even said exactly what happened. You can't keep it all to yourself like this Dean, it'll kill you."

"Gonna die sooner or later." I grumbled, rolling over on my side away from him.

"Would you stop? You know, you're such a hypocrite. You get angry at me when I don't tell you things, give me hell about it for weeks. But when it comes down to you, you do the same thing. So where do you think I learned it? You're my big brother, I looked up to you for everything as a kid, of course I'd want to be like you, but that means I also picked up your bad traits." He sighed. "Come on Dean, sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with this to heal."

"I _am_ dealing." I growled, scowling at my wall.

"No. You're doing what dad did; drink and hunt. You're ignoring the issue entirely."

I sat up, glaring at him.

"Alright fine. You wanna know how I feel? I feel like shit. I should've been there to prevent it from happening, and I didn't get there fast enough. What's fucked up is the fact that I came back. I came back knowing I could get them killed, and I did. I might as well have killed them myself. So if you don't mind, I would really appreciate being left alone."

"Dean, you did everything you could."

"Sam. Get. _Out_." I hissed.

He sighed, his face a mix of frustration and grief. He finally hauled himself to his feet, walking out, pausing as he was closing my door.

"At least apologize to Cas, he's only trying to help." He smiled a little, before closing my door.

_How can I apologize when every time I see his face, I can only hear him saying the scariest three words ever..._

I sighed in relief when the door clicked shut, laying back down on my bed, looking up at the ceiling.

I felt better for awhile after he left, teetering on the edge of sleep and consciousness, but when I started waking up again, my hangover headache starting to ease, the pain, guilt and fear returned, like unwanted friends you were forced to hang out with.

I started feeling bad for yelling at Cas, but I internally shuddered as I thought about him, struggling not to think about him sitting in my lap and whispering sweet nothing's in my ear. It was just too strange and alien to think about... and either way, I wasn't into him that way, much less his gender. I liked chicks, always have. Just the thought of being with someone of my own sex romantically... it made me want to squirm.

Sure, it worked for other people; I'd seen more than my fair share of gay and lesbian happy couples, and kudos to them, but that just wasn't me. I'd just never seen a guy the same way I'd seen a woman. There was just no comparison.

I thought back to Charlie, her sweet smile; the kid sister I never knew I wanted.

I wondered when she knew that guys weren't for her, and how she dealt with it.

 _Well, by just going after girls_ , a tiny voice said in my head, and I rolled my eyes at it.

I pictured myself just going after Cas and I cringed in self embarrassment.

Yep, definitely too alien of an idea.

_But... what would it feel like? Being with Cas? How would he feel?_

I laughed at myself wryly, rubbing my face.

Okay, I had to still be _seriously_ drunk if I was even asking myself these questions.

I rolled over to my side, as if I could just leave my ponderings behind me, but of course, it didn't work, and I was plagued with his blue eyes filling my mind, and I sighed in frustration, trying to think of some beauty I'd seen in some skin mag.   
Rolling on my back, I grew more restless by the minute, struggling to think of something, _anything_ , that wasn't related to Cas.   
Finally, I sighed in frustration, throwing back my covers and getting up. I got dressed, keeping the lights dim since my head was still hurting a bit. Once I finished putting on my leather jacket over my change of clothes, I grabbed the Impala's keys, walking out of my room, walking down the hall to Sam's room. His door was closed, and I knocked on it, hearing him get off his bed, opening his door a few seconds later.

"Where are you going?" He eyed me suspiciously.

"Just to that coffee shop on the edge of town. Here," I pulled out my phone, turning it on and handing it to him. "If you wanna turn the GPS on, be my guest."

He sighed, holding my phone.

"Should you really be driving?"

"I need to get out."

He nodded, pushing his hair back.

"Fine. Just.. be careful." he said, just handing me back my phone, not even bothering to turn the GPS on.

"Yeah." I put my phone back in my pocket. "I'll be back later."

He nodded, closing his door after I started walking away.

I made my way down to the garage, surprised to find that when I opened the door, I was hit by a cold breeze. Closing the door behind me, I walked down the steps, seeing that one of the garage doors was open. I began getting wary, looking around to see if anything was gone, but everything seemed in order. I relaxed somewhat when I came around the back of the impala, seeing Cas kneeling down, giving a bowl of milk to a tabby orange kitten, who looked barely old enough to be without its mother. It saw me, looked at me and mewed.

"Dean?" Cas turned and looked at me, not fully meeting my gaze.

"Yeah." I said, looking down at the odd pair, not wanting to really engage much more. "Where'd the fur-ball come from?"

"I don't know." Cas said, turning back to the cat, who was lapping up the milk in loud, content purrs. "He appeared a week or so before we found you. I started feeding him when he kept returning."

I hummed, nodding, the lanky kitten finishing the bowl and rubbing itself against Cas' knee, purring and meowing, looking up at me with greenish-blue eyes as Cas pet him.

"He got a name?" I asked, standing still as the kitten fearlessly walked up to me, walking around my legs, rubbing his body against me as he meowed up at me, and I couldn't help but smile, squatting down to pet him.

"I've just been calling him Hotep."

"Hotep?" I asked, chuckling when the kitten rubbed his head against my hand, demanding me for more when I stopped petting him.

"Yes. It's Egyptian for, "to be at peace"."

"I like it."

We were both quiet for awhile, watching the cat go back and fourth between us, not neglecting or favoring either of us.

"So," Cas said finally, gently picking the kitten up, the kitten mewing in contentment as he stood. "Where are you going?"

"To go to a coffee shop. I kinda need to just get out."

He nodded, the kitten licking his chin and Cas smiled a little, kissing the top of its head and I looked away, trying not to remember what it felt like when he was kissing my neck.

_Jeez, quit acting like it was real... it was just a damn dream._

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry, about earlier..." I said awkwardly, putting my hands in my pockets as I tried to focus on the present moment.

Petting the kitten gently, Hotep falling asleep in his arms, Cas looked back up at me.

"It's alright Dean. I understand."

He looked back down at Hotep, rubbing his finger along the bridge of his nose, Hotep licking his nose in response, tiny pink tongue flicking out.

I rocked slightly on the balls of my feet, not sure what to say next.

"Yeah."

"Would you like to talk about it?" He said softly, still looking down at Hotep.

I sighed.

"Not really."

_Definitely not._

He said nothing, Hotep asleep in his arms now.

"So, he just stays outside?" I asked finally, when an awkward silence swept over us.

"Yes." Cas continued gently stroking Hotep's orange tiger striped fur, still looking down at him. "I do not know what he'll do come winter though... I know we can't keep him inside because you're allergic." He looked up at me finally, his face crestfallen. "I would heal you, but... I can't." He said softly, looking back down at Hotep.

I frowned, my heart falling.

Damn it, he always got screwed over, and this was the _second_ time he lost his grace. Wasn't once enough?

"He could stay in the garage."

Cas whipped his head up quickly to look at me, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree.

"Really Dean?"

"Yeah." I shrugged, looking around the garage. "Just as long as he doesn't tear shit up."

"He won't Dean, I'll made sure he won't." He said eagerly, and I could feel a smile tugging at my lips.

"Then I guess we better get him some things."

He frowned, tilting his head.

"What about your coffee, Dean?"

"It can wait." I shrugged. "Besides, you need some clothes, right?" I nodded to his usual, same outfit since the day we met trench coat and suit, tie still backwards.

He looked down at his clothes, then back up at me.

"You don't like it?"

"No, no, I do, it looks great on you." I said quickly. "But humans wear more than one thing, because we can't mojo our clothes clean like angels. Did you forget your time being human?"

_Oh god, did I just compliment him?_

He shook his head, a flash of something crossing his eyes too fast for me to decipher.

"Of course not, Dean." He sighed. "It's just hard to take in I suppose."

I frowned.

"I know. I'm sorry."

He said nothing, just looked at me, and I flushed slightly, averting my gaze.

"So... do you uh, want to go?"

"Yes." He looked around, walking over to my basket of rags I used to clean the impala with, gently placing the still sleeping kitten into it, and honestly, if I didn't think it was so cute, I would've told him to take the damn cat back out.

_I thought the cat was cute... not Cas... I definitely wasn't calling him cute... it's not that Cas isn't cute, because I guess he- well..._

_Oh just shut up_... I thought to myself, thankful that my inner monologue was just that.

Cas walking around me, I got in the impala, trying not to think about my scrambled thoughts, much less about the fact that Cas slid into the passenger seat next to me, his hands in his lap.

 _You're in for it now Winchester_... I thought wryly to myself, turning on the impala, pulling out of the garage.

  
\-------------

  
Once we made it to town about twenty minutes later, we stopped at the pet store first, grabbing Hotep cat food, treats, a small bed, litter box, and a scratching post, since Cas insisted we needed it, and honestly, I couldn't bring myself to say no to his pleading face.

Next, we went to the mall; Cas managing to find a couple pairs of jeans, shirts, hoodie, and sweats and a t-shirt to sleep in. He was very slow and methodical with his choices, and a couple times, I teased him for being such a woman, in which, he ignored me, merely frowning. Once he was satisfied with his findings, we paid, and left, and on the way out, Cas spotted a photo booth, asking what it was.

"You uh, get your picture taken in it Cas," I explained, shifting my grip on the bag I was holding.

"It it required that you kiss your partner?" Cas was gazing at the huge, brazen example photo printed on the side of the photo booth, the couple in the mock photo kissing.

"Uh, no," I chuckled, rubbing the back of my neck. "That's just an idea of what you could do."

Cas nodded, still critically gazing at the picture of the couple.

"I'd like to try that."

"Try what?"

_Was he asking to friggin kiss me...?_

My stomach twisted, and I couldn't tell if it was in horror or excitement.

I was going with horror.

"A photo," he nodded to the booth.

"You want to get our pictures taken?"

"If that's acceptable with you."

I mulled it over, Cas gazing at me with big, pleading eyes and I groaned, giving in.

"Fine. Just one picture."

I wasn't expecting his tiny smile that lit up his eyes like a Christmas tree, and I looked away when the twisting in my stomach returned.

"What do we do now Dean?"

"Well," I cleared my throat, pulling out some money to pay for the photos. "First, we pay."

I paid for it, then stepped inside the booth, waving for Cas to follow me.   
I couldn't see him that well when the curtain fell shut, and the booth was much smaller than I realized, our shoulders and thighs smashed together when Cas sat next to me.

"Now what Dean?" Cas asked, and I looked over at him, his brows furrowed with confusion as he stared at the countdown screen, his face paling white then darkening with the flashing of the countdown on the tiny screen.

"Now we smile at the camera or something." I was barely able to look back at the camera before the flash blinded me, the photo taken.

I grabbed Cas' arm when he tried to get up, and I could feel Cas look over at me.

"We took the picture Dean, what's wrong?"

"We still have four more pictures to take." I laughed at his bewildered expression, the flash stating the photo was taken.

"What?" I stopped laughing, furrowing my brow at Cas' strange look, just gazing at me.

 _Flash_.

I held my breath when he parted his lips, as if about to say something.

 _Flash_.

He looked away, as if broken from a trance, and I blinked, confused.

"Cas?"

 _Flash_.

The photo booth whirred and it processed our photos, Cas staring at the deposit slot.

"Are we going for coffee now, Dean?" He asked, reaching out and grabbing our row of pictures when it came out.

"Um, I wasn't planning on it..." I said, looking over at him, still trying to catch up with his sudden change in topics.

"Oh," he said, looking a bit disappointed, pulling back the curtain and stepping out, looking at our photos. "Well, I was curious about it, and I think I'm getting hungry."

His stomach suddenly growled loudly and I frowned, walking with Cas out of the mall, Cas pocketing the photos in his pocket.

"Did you eat breakfast Cas? Or lunch?"

"I wasn't hungry."

I sighed, shaking my head, making my way to the impala with Cas, the both of us putting the bags in the back before getting into the car.

"Cas, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And even if you don't eat breakfast, at least eat lunch. You gotta eat something." I scolded him, turning the key, Baby roaring to life, and I looking behind me as I backed out, Cas looking at our pictures again.

He sighed.

"It's so cumbersome."

"Well, as much of a pain in the ass it may be, you gotta deal with it until we get your grace back. I don't need you dying on me just because you aren't eating."

The coffee shop was just on the edge of the street, and after I parked and turned off the car, I looked over at Cas to see why he was so quiet, surprised to see he was looking at me, not averting his gaze when I caught him staring. I raised my eyebrow, confused and a bit nervous with the way he was looking at me. I couldn't decipher the look in his eyes, but he had that look in his eyes again, that look I caught him giving me sometimes. At times, it was fleeting, there, then gone. Other times, the look was in his eyes the entire time he was looking at me. He would be listening to what I was saying, but it was almost like he wasn't at the same time; eyes wide and soft, glimmering with some emotion I couldn't name. It was familiar, but then again, it wasn't. It was a look that I knew I should be able to define, a look I'd seen somewhere before, but the word was always on the tip of my tongue, never quite revealing itself to me.

Then again, I could barely decipher him half the time.

"What?" I demanded, my tone a bit harsh as I felt cornered.

"Thank you, Dean." He said simply, still gazing into my eyes.

"For what?" My face felt hot under his unrelenting gaze, and I felt like I was a rabbit caught in the eyes of a snake, frozen and unable to move.

"For everything."

I nodded slowly.

"Don't mention it.."

He said nothing, seemingly transfixed with me, and along with him, I was caught in the spell, unable to look away. The late afternoon sunlight caught his eyes in such a way, that they looked like the Caribbean Sea in the heat of the day under the afternoon sun; wide, glimmering and just so fucking blue. His usually near onyx black bed head hair, was really just a deep chocolate brown, hints of a reddish brown in it as the sun illuminated it and accented its subtle natural highlights.  
I felt like how I did in my dream right before dream Cas said... _that_ mumbo jumbo I wasn't going to say even in my own head. And just like in the dream, it felt like time had stopped - the world holding its breath along with me, waiting, waiting, waiting.

_This is where we would kiss._

I blinked, shaking my head, breaking the spell.

_Where the hell did that come from?_

"W-we should go eat." I stammered, nearly tripping over myself trying to get out of the impala, the cool fall air sharp against my hot cheeks.

I closed the car door a little harder than necessary, Cas following my lead, not looking at me as we both walked inside the small, quaint coffee shop.

"What do you recommend, Dean?"  
Cas asked, looking over all the various cookies and pastries lined up in the display case, his gaze almost predatory as he stared them down and I chuckled despite myself.

"Well," I broke off when I noticed the guy at the register looking at Cas, no, not looking, _checking_ him out.

He was full _on_ checking out Cas.

"Dean?" Cas said, straightening up to look at me in concern, having still not noticed the guy's ogling, who had now averted his gaze to me, sizing me up and I could feel myself bristling in response.

"Dean?" Cas said again, and I broke my gaze away from the guy, looking back over at the pastries.

"Yeah?"

"Are you alright?" He was frowning, scrutinizing me. "Why are you angry?"

"I-I'm not angry." I said, not fully meeting his eyes.

He kept looking at me, as if staring at me would unravel one of the world's biggest mysteries and I sighed, waving him off.

"I'm fine. Now, what do you want?"

He stared at me a little longer, and again, I knew that he didn't believe me in that silent way of his.

"What do you recommend?" He said finally.

"Um, any of the cookies are great." I said absently, staring at the case. "And the pies."

"What are you getting?"

"Probably a black coffee and pecan pie."

"Then I want that."

I nodded, inwardly rolling my eyes to see that Mr. Googly Eyes was the only person at the register.

"Then let's get some." I walked away from Cas, who was still looking over the pastries, over to the register.

"Two black coffees and two slices of pecan pie." I said, pulling out my wallet.

"You got it." The guy said, turning around to make it. "Here or to go?"

"Here I guess." I sighed, leaning on the counter, looking over at Cas, who was looking at the cashier for the first time, but decided the pastries were more interesting and looked away.

I felt myself smirk.

"So," Googly Eyes said, bringing me the pies and coffees. "You two together?" He looked between Cas and I.

"What? No." I scoffed.

He looked at me, raising a hand.

"Hey, hey, didn't mean to push any buttons." he took the twenty I handed him, opening the register. "I just know chemistry when I see it. Plus, you didn't seem too happy when I found your friend attractive."

He looked over at Cas, and I followed his gaze. Cas seemed to sense us looking at him, looking up at me, tilting his head slightly in confusion.

"I wasn't looking at you in any way like that." I said finally, looking away from Cas as I grabbed the coffees, taking my change when he handed it to me.

"Still haven't come to terms with your feelings yet?" the guy asked, seemingly oblivious to my want to get away. "I know that feeling. Wasn't until I got drunk and woke up next to my best friend did I realize I was bisexual. Had feelings for him for awhile, just didn't want to admit it." he laughed, like it was the funniest story ever and I laughed weakly, grabbing the pie and turning around, sighing in relief and made a beeline to one of the tables farthest from the cashier.

I set the coffee and pies down, Cas close behind me.

"Thank you." Cas said as he sat down across from me, taking his pie and coffee. "Are you alright?" He frowned, tilting his head, his brow furrowing in concern. "You look pale."

I looked down at my slice of pie, grabbing a fork and spearing a piece.

"I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You've been acting strange since last night."

I sighed, lowering my fork, the slowly setting sun blinding my right eye since we were sitting next to the window.

"Just a bad dream." I muttered, taking a bite of my pie.

"You also didn't like the man behind the counter of pastries."

I coughed, clearing my throat and drinking some of my coffee to help my pie go down.

"I liked him just fine. He gave us pie, didn't he?" I said, focusing on cutting another piece of my pie.

"That's his position, Dean." He was quiet for a second, taking a bite of his pie, suddenly exclaiming. "Did the man at the counter of pastries do something bad in your dream?"

I barked a wry laugh, shaking my head.

"No, Cas. I've never seen him before."

He nodded, continuing to eat his pie with a brooding expression.

"Then, what happened?" He finally inquired, drinking his coffee.

"I don't want to talk about it." I said briskly, taking another bite of my pie.

He sighed.

"Dean-"

"Did Sam set you up to this?" I demanded, knowing it was an unfair accusation.

He rolled his eyes.

"Of course not, Dean. I'm just worried about you."

"Yeah, well, worry about yourself for once." I scowled, reaching the last couple bites of my pie.

"But I can help."

Not when you're the source of my problem...

"I don't need any help."

"Damn it Dean." He scowled at me, and I looked up in surprise, having not heard him swear in awhile. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

"I'm not doing anything." I hissed, keeping my voice low so the other people eating couldn't hear us above the faint music playing.

He sighed in aggravation, leaning back in his chair, glowering at me.

"You're hiding things, bearing them to yourself because you think you can. You should know by now where that road leads Dean."

I rolled my eyes.

"I don't want to talk about it because it won't fix a damn thing, okay? Now can we drop it?" I growled, my chest pressing against the edge of the table.

He glared at me, nostrils flaring, eyes blazing a stormy blue.

"It won't bring Lisa, or Ben back, but it will heal you." He said, his voice laced with a mixture of grief and anger. "Do you really think Lisa would want to see you this way?"

I heard a choked sound and I distantly realized it was me; Lisa's bright smile flashing across my mind, Ben asking me how to drive, their laughter, and a near crippling fresh wave of pain tore through my chest at the mention of their names.

"Shut up." I hissed, my fists clenching as I fought back tears, my throat constricting around itself.

Some of the anger dissipated from his eyes, pain replacing it as he looked at me mournfully.

"I just want to help Dean."

"Screw you." I muttered, pushing back my chair, getting up and storming outside, sucking in cold breaths of air, trying to get ahold of myself.

I put my fist to my lips, closing my eyes, wishing, willing away Ben and Lisa's panicked pleas, their screams.

I bit my lip hard, willing myself not to cry as my body redirected itself to the fresh source of pain, telling me to stop, to let off my lip.

I sighed, the lump in my throat starting to shrink, the sharp pain shrinking back in the recesses of my mind, releasing its agonizing grip on me for the moment.

No doubt would appear when I was alone and in the dark...

"Dean..?" I heard Cas say hesitantly from behind me, and I turned slightly.

"Yeah?" I rubbed my face, crossing my arms.

"You okay?"

"Fine."

He was silent for a beat.

"Do you want to go home?"

"Yeah. If you're done."

"I am."

"Okay. Okay, uh, then let's go." I mumbled, pulling out my keys, walking towards the impala, unlocking it for Cas then walking around, getting inside it, turning it on and backing out, heading for home.


	12. Serendipity

Twelve 

After helping Cas take all the stuff out of the impala, I went straight to my room, laying on my bed and listening to music.

I was there for hours it felt, hoping I could fall asleep, the two beers I snagged on the way to my room relaxing me some, but doing nothing to calm my racing mind.

It was a whirlwind of Ben, Lisa, and Cas.

I'd think about Ben and Lisa, the memories I'd had with them over the last year, but then I'd think of Cas, wondering what he was doing during that time, then I'd go back to Ben and Lisa, remembering the week before their deaths, the fight Lisa and I had, the phone call...

I didn't cry, but as I was laying there, I could almost feel myself breaking into a thousand pieces, nothing there to catch me, and I was too weary to try picking myself back up. I'd been broken a thousand times, and I'd been fixing myself about as long as I could remember.

I just need time.

_Yes, that was all I needed._

But why did it feel like a lie? And didn't I tell myself that when the leviathans killed Cas? That near year he was gone?

I scoffed, rolling to my side, thinking back to that guy in the cafe today.

_Together. Pfft._

And god, that guy at the register was getting on my nerves, talking like he knew what was "wrong" with me. I wasn't bisexual.

I lay on the bed, trying to think of something else, or try to listen to the lyrics coming through my earbuds. It worked for a little while, but I just became more and more restless, finally giving up and grabbing my laptop up off the floor. I turned it on, and once it was done waking up, I opened up my web browser, typing in one word.

 _ **Bisexual**_.

Of course, I knew what it meant, I wasn't an idiot, but without really knowing why, I clicked on one of the first links, reading the definition popping up.

_**Bisexuality: The romantic, or sexual attraction, or sexual behavior towards both males and females.** _

Simple enough. I knew that.

I scrolled down, reading some more. It went on to talk about doctors studying bisexuality, what it meant, among other crap, but I exited out of it. I needed something easier to understand, something English. I kept scrolling, until one website line caught my attention.

_** How Do I Know If I'm Bisexual? ** _

_God, why am I even looking at this?_ I asked myself, sighing, putting my hand on the top of my laptop screen, almost closing it.

_"-Wasn't until I got drunk and woke up next to my best friend did I realize I was bisexual. Had feelings for him for awhile, just didn't want to admit it."_

I took a breath, clicking on the website, scrolling down and continuing to read.

There seemed to be a lot of people who were bisexual, some seemed to just always know they were, and others like Cafe Dude, finally admitting it to themselves after some sort of an experience, or just acknowledged it.

I ended up finding a site where people talked about their experiences, and how they came to identify themselves as bisexual.

Every story was different, and from people of all different ages, which kinda surprised me.

There was one story that struck me though, an anonymous entry, that said simply:

__**I never wanted to acknowledge that I was bisexual. I was raised in a house where homosexuality was frowned upon, so I just never gave bisexuality a second thought.  
It went on for years that way, and I guess in the back of my mind, I knew the way I saw girls was nearly the same way I saw guys, and it unnerved me.   
I liked guys, had always dated them and fallen in love with them. But no matter what reasons I gave myself, I still noticed my own gender a lot more than I should've, and I just always felt wrong; like I was missing some part of myself.   
I guess it wasn't until I met this one girl, that I really started questioning myself. She was sweet, beautiful, and she was just everything to me.   
I think for awhile, I mistook my love for her as being just the love you would have for a best friend, which I see now, isn't the same thing.   
It took a long time for me to finally tell her how I felt, but she was very kind to me, helping me through it and in accepting myself. I don't think I could ask for a better best friend, or wife.   
I know it can be scary, but all I can say, it just let your heart take control once in awhile. You'll never know where it may lead if you don't.**

I sighed, closing the tab and turned off my laptop, laying back down on my bed, processing.

I could kinda understand what anonymous was saying, about the missing some part of yourself. But that didn't mean I was bi, I had just lost a lot of people in my life to feel that way. I'd just sort of accepted that I would always have some empty spot in the center of my chest.

Then I suddenly remembered what Lisa said once, years ago when she broke up with me, right before Sam and I killed the Goddess of Truth, Veritas. Something about how much I had buried, and I pushed it down, and if I thought I could live life that way.

It probably didn't relate to being bisexual, but, a part of me wondered if she thought that I was. She never met Cas again after Cas healed and erased her memories in the hospital, but whenever she asked about him, or stories that related to him, she would get this look in her eye, and I always thought then it was because she was just processing it, but now...

 _But now nothing!_ I shook my head, rubbing my face with my hands.

I wasn't in love with Cas, and I didn't like him, or any guy that way, now, or ever.

Besides, I had bigger fish to fry, such as science lab crazy demons and witches. I couldn't be worried with crap like bisexuality.

 _But it's not crap, it's a real thing._..

I sighed, finally relenting, and allowing myself to think about it.

Alright, fine. Say we gave this idea some life, how would it change things?

I thought back to a few experiences I had with men before, and I guess maybe, I did get flusted around guys at times. But how else were you supposed to react when someone of your own sex found you attractive?

Then I found myself thinking back to when I first met Cas, how terrified I felt, and yet, how in awe I was. Sure, I didn't believe the son of a bitch when he said he was an _angel_ , who would?

But as the years wore on, I admit, I grew to depend on the guy. Not to mention how he did everything he could for Sam and I, but it seemed, there was one key factor now that I thought about it.

_"I did it for you, Dean."_

_"I killed two angels this week, my brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled. And I did it - all of it - for you."_

_"I'm doing this because of you, Dean."_

_"They said I was getting too close to the humans in my charge - you."_

Those long looks he would give me, coming to me on my every plea and call, falling from heaven, rebelling, starting a civil war in heaven to keep the apocalypse from resuming, staying away from me in purgatory to keep the leviathans off me, giving up an angel army instead of killing me-

I suddenly laughed wryly to myself, shaking my head at how absurd the thought was.

No way. _No_.

There was no way in hell the guy was in love with me, he was just dedicated. Like that kid angel said, Alfie, he just had a lot of heart.

_A lot..._

I sat up, sitting on the edge of my bed, putting my head in my hands.

God, what was I thinking? What was I even doing sitting here pondering if a friggin ex-angel that happened to be my best friend, was in love with me...

Besides, there was no way Lisa would've suspected that, of all people. I did go back to her after all, didn't I?

And either way, I was lonely. I missed Lisa and Ben. I missed Ben coming home from school and wanting me to help him pick out colleges, or fix up his junky little Pinto he was so proud of buying himself. I missed Lisa, her fantastic home cooked meals, which, although she insisted most came from the freezer section, might as well have been from a gourmet chef directly from his kitchen, to me. I missed how on long, crappy days of work when I came home late, she would somehow know as soon as I walked in the door, telling me to wash up and bringing a hot plate of dinner up to our bedroom for me, letting me vent to her about my day while she would rub my sore shoulders. I think one of the things I missed most, were those nights when I couldn't sleep, and the fact that she was right there less than an arms length away, always ready to comfort me.

I sighed heavily, wishing she would somehow appear and start rubbing my shoulders, and that this was all just some bad dream.

Of course, she didn't appear, and I was left to my own thoughts and devices.

I looked over at my clock, the time reading 9:58pm.

_I guess I could use a snack._

With a sigh, I got up, walking out of my room and going to the kitchen, looking in the cabinets and fridge and freezer, ending up just grabbing a bag of chips and another beer. I popped my beer open, taking a sip as I walked out of the kitchen, fully intent on going back to my room, when I heard a female laugh.   
Following the sound, I walked down the hallway, stopping in the doorway of our makeshift living room, Cas sitting on the couch watching some movie.

"Whatcha watching?" I asked, leaning on the doorframe.

Cas jumped slightly, relaxing when he saw it was me.

"Hello Dean. I was just watching Serendipity."

"Never heard of it. What's it about?"

"It's about a couple that meets completely on accident and the woman, Sara, believes in fate, and that if they're meant to be, they'll find their way back to each other from these little things they wrote on a five dollar bill and on the inside of this book, Love In The Time of Cholera. I think the idea is absurd though, because Fate is not kind, and her sisters are much worse." He said with a shake of his head. "You would know, she wanted to kill you and Sam."

I chuckled, sitting on the opposite end of the couch, opening my bag of Doritos.

"I don't understand why that is amusing, Dean."

I shook my head.

"Nothing. Do you like the movie otherwise?"

He looked back at the TV, the lead male character talking to who I presumed was his friend.

"Yes, so far. Jonathan's best friend is named Dean."

I chuckled.

"It is a great name if I do say so myself."

He looked back over at me, of course unamused.

"How are you feeling Dean?"

"I'm good I guess." I took another drink of my beer.

He nodded, looking back at the TV for a bit, and I followed his lead.

"I'm sorry about what happened at the cafe," Cas said softly several minutes later.

"It's alright." I muttered, not wanting to think about it, taking another sip of my beer, lowering my arm and resting it against the couch.

"I mean it," he turned around to look at me. "I shouldn't have tried to force you into telling me."

I sighed.

"You were just trying to help. I get it."

He frowned a bit, nodding then looking back over at the TV.

"Do you have the remote?" He asked after a bit.

"Um-" I looked around, seeing it on the side table next to me. "Yeah."

I put my chips down, reaching over to grab it, holding it out to him. He reached over to grab it, accidentally hitting my beer with the back of his hand, causing it to fall to the floor, spilling everywhere.

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed quickly, grabbing the bottle and righting it to keep it from spilling any more, setting it aside along with the remote as he looked for something to dry it with.

"It's okay. It was an accident." I shrugged, leaning over to the side table and grabbing some tissues, turning around to get off the couch, kneeling on the floor. "We can just put some tissues on it-"

I broke off as I came face to face with Cas, who was on his knees, tissues in hand, the two he had dropped to the floor wrinkling and turning an amber brown, the right side of his face dancing with the colors from the TV, seemingly as transfixed as I was.   
I couldn't move. I felt frozen, a dozen emotions racing though me so fast I didn't know what to feel, my heart beginning to race, my palms growing clammy.   
Cas just stared at me, not moving, just looking into my eyes, his eyes dark with a dozen different emotions I couldn't even decipher in the moment.   
All thoughts went right out of my head, my mouth went bone dry, and everything that wasn't related to Cas faded into the background. All I could hear was our soft breaths, and my heartbeat in my ears.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

I tried swallowing, licking my lip and his eyes darted down to my lips, lingering for a second before looking back up into my eyes and a tingle raced up my spine, making me feel lightheaded.   
We were so close now, I could smell him.

_Wet wood and honey..._

My eyes roved his face, the straight line of his nose, his sharp jawline, the short stubble over the slight cleft in his chin, his worry lines and faint crows feet at the corners of his eyes.   
His pink tongue swiped over his bottom lip while I ogled him, and I found myself wondering if his lips were soft, or as dry as they appeared. Or, even, what he tasted like.   
I was nearly panting now, my heart hammering in my ears.  
He was so close now, that I could feel the warmth radiating off his body, his soft pants on my face, his lips parted slightly from the effort.

_Thump._

_Closer._

_Thump._

_Closer._

_Thump._

_Then-_

_Thump._

_Our lips pressed together._

It was a bit awkward, just a simple press, our lips merely just touching, both of us seemingly frozen in the moment, feeling each other, just breathing in each others space, in each others galaxy. It was almost as if both of us wasn't really sure if it was real, that a single movement or breath would shatter the moment and we would wake up in our beds, only to find that it was just a dream.   
It wasn't until I felt Cas shudder slightly, his lips pressing a bit harder against mine, that it became real.   
I found myself reciprocating, gasping softly, leaning into him, my eyes falling shut.   
He whimpered softly, leaning into me, tentatively, grabbing hold of my bicep, his every movement slow and gentle, like we were both underwater.   
I trembled slightly, and suddenly a wave of fear swept over me, some odd sensation that I would lose him, and I gently cupped his face, pulling him closer to me in response, faintly realizing in the back of my mind, that my jeans were getting soaked by my beer spill that was still on the floor, but I didn't care.   
I didn't give one single damn, because I just wanted this, I just wanted Cas. I just wanted him to wrap his arms tighter around me, to hold me so tight I that couldn't breathe or remember what it felt like to be broken. I just wanted to melt myself into him, to mold myself with him until we were one in the same. I just wanted to feel, breathe, and taste nothing, but him.   
He seemed to want the same, his lips surprisingly soft and gentle, tasting faintly of cinnamon. His fingers were gently running over my scalp, and I was gasping, shuddering into his every touch. He kissed me gently, letting me lead it, but there was also a hint of desperation in it, like a man starved of everything holy in his life. He kissed me like I was his savior, the being that set the sun, the being that held the stars, the being that was the center of his universe. He kissed me like he was the luckiest thing to ever breathe air. It was deep, unrelenting, and too much, and oh god it was too much, _it was too much, it was too much!_

I broke the kiss, panting, looking down, my head spinning like a cartoon character after they hit a wall. I could almost see the stars swirling over my head.

"Dean?" Cas whispered, slowly reaching out, holding my face gently in his hands, like I was a precious, delicate thing - a _prize._

He was gently rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs, which I suddenly realized were wet with tears, gazing at me with such concern and adoration I felt myself come back down to earth hard.

"I-I-" I stammered, blinking hard in an effort to clear my hazy vision, wrenching myself away from his touch, falling on my ass as a resort.

"Dean?" Cas said again a bit louder, a hint of fear in his voice, but I was already on my feet, stumbling backwards.

"I-I-I... need... to go..." I said hoarsely, not waiting for an answer as I turned around and raced out of the room, almost running down the hallway to my room, closing and locking the door behind me.

I was gasping for air as I turned around, stumbling over to my bed, collapsing onto it, letting the shuddering, ripping pain in my chest have me.

I cried.


	13. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for 200 reads! :D that is really awesome and thank you all for reading my work!
> 
> Also, I'll be posting early next week, so be ready lol.

Thirteen

  
I slept fitfully throughout most of the night, my sleep plagued with a mix of nightmares and dreams once I'd cried myself to sleep.

I dreamt that Cas and I were happy, sitting in the impala, kissing lazily, and at some points, going even farther than just kisses and lazy touches, but I always woke up before anything happened, a mix of cold fear and adrenaline drumming through my veins.

Then, I would have nightmares about Lisa and Ben, their faces covered in blood, screaming, sobbing for me to help, to save them. But no matter how fast I ran, how fast I drove, nothing got me there fast enough, and I would collapse in a pool of their blood, too blind with tears to see anything but a hazy crimson.

I woke up the next morning groggy and drained, feeling like I hadn't slept at all.

I didn't bother getting out of bed, because I couldn't bear seeing Cas' face, knowing what had happened. He would want to talk about it, ask me questions I still had no answers for.

I had almost thought the kiss was another gut twisting dream when I woke up, but the smell of dried beer on my jeans that I had slept in held the proof that it was very much real.

A part of me was giddy with the memory, swearing to myself that I could still taste him on my lips, curious of what another kiss with him would be like. And that small part of me wanted to corner him, unleash the bout of emotions that had been bottled up so tightly over the years and unleash each and every carnal desire that I had previously buried, upon him. I had gotten a taste of him, and I was so far from sated, that part of me was going insane from the lack of fulfillment.

But another part of me, a larger part, was terrified.

It was just too much too quickly, and I couldn't handle it.

It was insane. Why could Cas and I be together under any circumstances? Why did I even want him? Was it just because I was lonely, and I was mistaking it as feelings for him?

There was just too many variables, too many pains, hurts, and insecurities.

My chest was throbbing with anxiety, nervous excitement, and agony, so much so, that I just lay in my bed, a complete mess, unable to decipher or sort through any of my thoughts.

I didn't know what I wanted, and god knew I barely knew what I needed half of the time.

But what was more pressing than what I wanted, was what I was going to _do_.

What would I say to Cas? What would I say to Sam?

Would he even accept me anymore..?

My chest would clench in fear every time I thought about it - my brother, my only family, my only blood and my only other best friend - casting me out because I kissed Cas. I couldn't stand the thought of losing Sam, this pain more painful than loosing him to death. Because even if he died, I would have the wacky comfort of knowing, that wherever he went, heaven, hell, or The Empty like Billie the reaper wanted to toss us in, he would still be there for me in a way.

This way, being with Cas, I didn't have that guarantee, and I didn't think I was prepared for the possibility to gain one, but lose the other as a result.

Then I was forced to ask myself, if it came down to that, would I be willing to lose Sam over Cas?

I wasn't sure how to answer that, but I knew, deep down, I would still try. Still be with Cas, but try to make things work with Sam.

I couldn't loose Sam, but I couldn't loose Cas either, not when I felt that I was on the cusp of something awesome.

But then the realistic side of me hit, asking me even tougher things.

What would be different being with Cas, than Lisa?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He was as human and as vulnerable as Lisa was, and let's face it, might never get his grace back, never get that invincibility that Lisa never had.

And either way, grace, or no grace, I'd just be opening myself up for more holes, more déjà vu's, more pains and agonies.

And what if I lost Cas one day? And I didn't mean loosing him as in breaking up or somehow still being with him until we were old and gray and loosing him in old age, I meant loosing him to monsters. I could barely handle loosing him as a friend, how would I handle loosing him as... something more than a friend?

I couldn't stand loosing Sam. I've killed myself trying to get him back, even going to hell for him. What's to say I wouldn't do the same for Cas then?

How would that be fair to Sam? To have his idiot brother killing himself out of heartbreak and loneliness?

How was this fair to anyone?

I sighed, rolling to my side, my chest seemingly crumbling in on itself. I considered getting a beer, but I was stuck, frozen in my own fears and cowardly heart to face Cas.

I was glad he hadn't come to my door, trying to see me.

I probably would've yelled at him to leave me alone, then kicked myself over his crestfallen face later.

And that was another thing, I had hurt Cas so many times. Even telling him that no one cared that he was broken. What's to say I wouldn't hurt him again? I destroyed everything I touched, and I refused to let myself crush his heart like that.

I swore quietly to myself, wishing I could reverse time, and have not kissed him. Things would've been so much simpler, so easy. I wouldn't be laying here wallowing if we hasn't kissed.

The bitter side of me wished we hadn't kissed, but a tiny part of me, wasn't ashamed.

That tiny piece of me, was rebellious, and it said it didn't give a fuck about anyone else. It said that I would kiss Cas in front of Sam and the entire world and not give a damn what anyone thought. It said that what had happened had been in the works for a long time, just waiting for us to be ready.

_Dare I even say it was serendipity?_

I sighed, completely at odds with myself still, rolling over to my other side, looking at my clock.

**1:14pm.**

I sighed, my stomach rumbling.

I needed to get up sooner or later, but I just wasn't ready. I wasn't. I couldn't.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't be with Cas. It was just too foreign, too strange. Something completely new and out of my universe.

But then I started thinking about what Cafe Dude said, and all the stories I read online yesterday, all the revelations, all the newfound relationships.

_"-let your heart take control once in awhile. You'll never know where it may lead if you don't."_

So, where did my heart want to go?

I took a breath, struggling to clear my head, push aside my prejudices, my fears, my insecurities. I pushed them all away, thinking of nothing but a blank, white room. I pictured the emptiness, the purity, the cleanliness, the clarity.

Eventually, my head began to clear, and I made myself take deep, deep breaths, counting the seconds.

_Inhale._

_One._

_Exhale._

_Two._

_Inhale._

_Three._

_Exhale._

_Four._

It took awhile before I was fully calm, seemingly hours, but I was determined, driven to get my answer.

I took another breath, picturing myself standing in that empty, white room, calm, and serene.

Then, I asked myself the question.

_What do I want?_

I lay there, my mind's eye looking around the empty white room I had made, waiting patiently. I had gotten so calm, I think I eventually fell back asleep.

Then, I heard something, faint, soft. Like wind blowing through the leaves.

The _ocean_. I could hear it in my head, and I could see something... _blue_.

Then, I found myself at a beach, everything calm, warm sand in between my toes.

I felt a presence behind me, and I turned to look, Cas standing there.

"Cas?" I said, looking at him, his trench coat flapping in the breeze. "What are you doing here?"

He said nothing, simply stepping closer, and gently cupped my face with his hands, the setting sunlight catching his eyes again, illuminating them, and I was knocked breathless with how beautiful his eyes were.

 _The Caribbean Sea_...

No, not the sea, the color of his eyes reminded me of the first time I flew a kite with Sam - Bobby letting us just be kids - something my dad never let us do.  
I remembered the way the sky looked that day, how not a cloud blemished it, how it was a perfect, undiluted blue.

His eyes were the same color, but they weren't at the same time.

They were simmering, alive.  
Dark and bold, crackling and snapping with a thousand different emotions, so many, I couldn't even decide which one to try and decipher.

They were beautiful. _He_ was beautiful.

He was just gazing at me, and I was locked in his gaze, the both of us just standing there, the warmth of the setting sun blanketing us, the breeze caressing us with the touches we weren't physically giving each other.

_Then, I woke up._

I gasped for air, blinking, staring up at my ceiling, reaching up and wiping my cheek, my fingers shiny with moisture when I pulled it away.

 _I'm crying_... I thought dumbly to myself, staring at my finger, slowly watching my skin absorb my tear.

And for the first time in my life, I _let_ myself cry.

I didn't tell myself that I was weak, or stupid, or that I needed to get myself together.

I knew it was okay, because a part of me _was_ okay.

I knew what I wanted. I'd known for years. I'd just never let myself acknowledge it, because of my stupid pride, my stupid ego, and my stupid insecurities.

I felt as if a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, and I laughed despite my tears.

_I was free._

I started crying more, smiling like an idiot through it. Because how had I not known, not said, not let things happen sooner?

I loved Cas. I always had. Maybe not at first, but he had captured my heart, and it wasn't until I had lost him to the leviathans, did I start realizing that.

_Cas. Love._

I said the words tentatively in my mind, liking the giddiness that swept over me at the words, and I found myself whispering them.

"I love Castiel..."

I fell silent, holding my breath, waiting.

I'm not sure what I was waiting for, maybe that tiny voice in my head to rebuke me, to correct me, to scoff at it.

Nothing.

It was gone, and I wanted to shout the words. I wanted to _laugh_ and _dance_ and _sing_ , and god knew I couldn't dance or sing.

_I wanted to tell Cas._

I gasped at the thought, a twinge of fear racing through me.

_But, what if he didn't feel that way..?_

I was terrified at that thought, beginning to shrink back into my shell, when I remembered the look in his eye outside the cafe, that look he gave me.

_Sometimes, it was fleeting, there, and gone. And sometimes, when I would be talking to him, he would just look at me. He was listening, but it was like he wasn't either.  
And when I would ask him if he was listening, he would blink, shaking his head a bit, as if being pulled out of a spell._

_He loved me._

He had to.

It had been right in front of my face for years, but I could never see it.

But Sam, Meg, Crowley, Cain- everyone else saw it.

_Everyone, but me._

I blinked, laying there in my bed, processing.

That was heavy.

And Cas had never said anything, because he knew that if he had, I would've just run for the hills.

He had just kept it to himself, staved it off by exploring his emotions with Meg and April, and doing everything he ever could for me, granting my every wish.

He never said he loved me, because his actions were screaming it. He didn't need to say it, because him looking out for me and being my best friend was more than he could've asked for.

He was just waiting for the day I would wake up and see it.

I found myself sobbing at this like a damn woman, but how could I not?

The guy had known that I wouldn't love him back the way he wanted, but he still stayed. He still fought for me, cut and bleeding. Even died for me. He abandoned his home, his family, his beliefs, his very being, all because he loved me.

_He loved me._

_He loved me._

I took a breath, in complete awe.

This creature, this being, this _angel_ , was so irrevocably and wholly infatuated with me, and yet, it was unfathomable to me.

Inconceivable.

He was in love with me, that I could now understand.

But _why_?

I was me, just some puny human that had lots of cracks in my chassis, lots of pain, and lots of guilt.

What did he see in me?

I remembered back when we first met, when I was trying to convince him to take me to Sam so we could prevent the apocalypse, something he had said.

_"-I see nothing worth saving."_

So what had changed?

I took a breath, taking in everything.

Then, a tiny thought filled my mind.

_Why didn't I just go ask him?_

I froze under that thought, pondering it.

_Why didn't I?_

I took a breath, chuckling wryly to myself.

_Why the hell not._

With a shaky breath, I sat up, rubbing my face.

I probably looked like shit, eyes bloodshot from crying, but I didn't care. I just wanted Cas. I just wanted to wrap my arms around him, and hold him so tightly against me, I would forget what it would be like to not have him there in my arms.

I opened the door to my room, quickly turning, seeing his door closed.

I knocked on it, my stomach beginning to twist with butterflies.

"Cas?" I said, my voice trembling slightly.

No answer.

"Cas?" I opened the door, finding it empty, his bed made in that methodical way of his.

I frowned, closing the door, walking down the hallway.

I checked the garage, the library, the makeshift living room, every single room in the bunker, but he wasn't in any.

My last hope was the kitchen, looking in it, my heart falling to see he wasn't there either.

"Dean?" Sam said, sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop, looking at me in concern. "You okay?"

"Where's Cas?" The words stumbled out of my mouth before I could stop them, my body starting to tremble. "I-I need to talk to him."

"It's okay, he just went out for a walk." He got up, walking over to me, frowning. "What's going on?"

"I-I need to talk to him." I repeated dumbly, unable to shake the anxiety crippling me as my chest felt like it was imploding in on itself.

"Hey, hey, hey, just sit down, just sit." Sam helped me sit on the steps, his hand on my shoulder as I took shuddering breaths. "I'll go get Cas, okay? Just breathe. I'll be right back. Are you okay if I do that?"

I nodded weakly, leaning against the doorframe as Sam nodded, jumping up and running down the hallway, the bunker door slamming shut a few moments later.

I could barely breathe, my chest hurting with every breath. It almost felt like my own body was suffocating me, and I could feel myself wanting to panic, but I didn't allow myself to give into that.

I started counting my breaths.

_Inhale._

_One._

_Exhale._

_Two._

_Inhale._

_Three._

_Exhale._

_Four._

_Inhale._

_Five._

_Exhale._

I was nearing five hundred breaths when Sam came back, panting as he leaned on the wall, catching his breath.

I looked around, hoping to see Cas or hear another set of feet walking down the hallway, but there was nothing.

"Where's Cas?" I said hoarsely.

Sam took another breath, looking into my eyes with such pity, fear and emptiness, I could physically feel my chest ache in terror.

"He's gone."


	14. I Don't Want to Miss a Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm posting pretty early since this weekend I'll be busy at a spn con. (*dies inside from excitement*) and I'll be sure to post some pics on my insta to share with you guys! (My acc is ffsmish)
> 
> So because of that, here is a (crappy) chapter for you all, so enjoy(?) XD

  
Fourteen

" _What_?" I choked out, staggering to my feet. "What the hell do you mean ' _gone_ '?"

"I mean _gone_. I can't find him. He told me he was just going out to the dock. I ran the entire path, but he's not there." Sam was saying, but I already getting onto my feet, running to my room.

"Dean? I'll go look for him. You need to sit, you don't look right." Sam said worriedly, jogging after me into my room.

"I'm _fine_." I snapped, pulling on my leather jacket after I put on my boots. "Now, are you coming, or what?"

He frowned, nodding, jogging out of my room as I started walking towards the bunker entrance. By the time I was taking my first step outside, Sam was there, closing the door behind him.

I called out Cas' name, making my way towards the dock, but nothing.

We made it to the dock about ten minutes later, yelling Cas' name the entire way, but to no avail. He just wasn't there, and I tried to fight off the tightness in my chest.

"Do you know if he had his phone?" I asked, pulling out my phone and dialing his number, looking at every tree and bush.

"I don't know." Sam frowned, calling out Cas' name again, but there was no reply. "What'd you want to tell him anyways?"

"Nothing." I swore when I just got the answering machine, hanging up and trying again.

"Right."

"What do you want me to say Sam?" I scowled, putting my phone to my ear again.

"I don't know. I've just never seen you get like this."

"I'm fine."

He sighed, saying nothing more.   
I tried Cas' cell two more times, but got no answer. Sam and I walked his entire Lance Armstrong running path and back, double checking the dock, but he wasn't to be found. We double checked the bunker, but only found Hotep sitting at the foot of the door to the garage, looking up at us mournfully.   
I was nearly frantic when our search yielded no results, running my hands over my face, running through my mind, trying to think of other places he'd go.   
I came up with nothing, and the angels seemed relatively calm lately, so I didn't think they had gotten to him, much less had reason to want him.

_Then what? Or where did he go?_

I sighed, trying not to let myself panic.

"I have no idea where he'd go." Sam voiced my thoughts, running a hand through his hair. "If he had his grace, I'd figure he'd go wherever he does when he leaves. But now-"

"Yeah." I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers. "God, then where then?"

"Think by any chance the witch who got you got him too..?" Sam said hesitantly.

I dropped my hand, frowning over at him.

"Don't say it."

"I'm just saying." he shrugged helplessly. "We have to consider all the possibilities."

I sighed, my fist to my lips, and I nodded.

"No, no, you're right. We-" I suddenly broke off, realizing something.

_"Change of plans." Then she muttered latin, sending me to the ground._

_Yes, it was a diversion, but she also did it right after she witnessed me fearing for Cas' life, a wicked gleam in her eye._

_Then the dream that very night._

_Oh son of a bitch._

_She was in my dream! The bitch was in my dream and I didn't even know it!_

I suddenly froze, terror running through me.

_She was trying to find my weaknesses, and she found my most tender one._

"Son of a _bitch!_ " I exclaimed, turning tail and running towards the garage.

"Dean?!" Sam yelled after me in confusion, chasing after me into the garage. "Where are we going?!"

"Back to where they kept me." I said, getting in the impala, Sam opening the passenger door, leaning on it.

"What? What the hell are you going on about?"

"Remember when Deyanira created that diversion? Keeping Cas and I from getting to you, putting that mumbo jumbo on me?" I said impatiently, starting the car.

"Yeah..?"

"It was a spell to find- my weaknesses." I caught myself at the last second, growing impatient. "Are you coming or what?"

He quickly got in the car, closing his door and I was off, speeding off towards the main road, Sam struggling to get his seat belt on.

"What do you mean weaknesses?" Sam prodded after a bit, holding onto the back of the seat.

"Do I need to open a dictionary and read you the definition college boy? Things that she can use against me - come on Sam, keep up."

I could almost feel him roll his eyes.

"I know what it means. I guess it just doesn't make sense."

"Why not?" I demanded.

"Because whenever they want to lure us into a trap," he enunciated "trap" very clearly. "They usually try to get to you through me. They've never gone after Cas."

"Well, all the other times, he's had his angel mojo." I pointed out, looking over to find Sam scrutinizing me. "What."

"Nothing." he sighed. "I hope he's there."

I frowned, biting on my lower lip, saying nothing in response, stepping on the accelerator.

  
\-----------

  
Twenty five minutes later, I was slamming the brakes, and parking in front of the abandoned military bunker. I jumped out and threw open the trunk, pulling out my shotgun and pistol, loading them both. Sam followed my lead, but not as quickly, and it peeved me.

"Let's go." I said once I finished, Sam almost done. "Come on Sam, I've seen you dismantle a sniper faster than that."

He frowned, finishing and shutting the trunk.

"I just feel like this is a trap."

"Unless Cas happens to call you saying where he is, this is all we got."

He sighed.

"I know. Let's go."

I nodded, walking towards the entrance, opening it and making our way inside cautiously, shining our flashlights all around.   
We made it to the central room without a hitch, flicking on the lights to find it exactly the way we had left it. Despite it seeming emptiness, Sam and I decided to stick together, choosing to check out the cell wing first.   
The smell was just as bad as it was the first time, maybe even worse, but we wasted our time and killed our senses with the rancid smell to no avail. We were quick to go back to the central room though, going down the science lab wing next. We found nothing there either, and even the secret room was just as dull as it was last time, causing a new wave of fear to flood through me.

"So much for that." Sam sighed, lowering his gun. "Think maybe we just overreacted and he's back at the bunker?"

"I hope so." I chewed my bottom lip. "But wouldn't he have called us?"

"Probably." He shrugged. "Maybe we should just go back and wait and see if he shows up."

"He's not a damn cat Sam."

He frowned, throwing his arms up in surrender.

"I don't know what else to do Dean. And that witch and her gang are completely off the radar."

"Well then _find_ them!"

My exclamation rang throughout the silent hallways, and I winced, looking away.

"I'm sorry."

"We'll find him Dean." Sam said, frowning at me.

"Yeah. I know." I took a final look around. "Let's get going then."

He nodded, quietly following my lead as I turned around to head back out.   
There was no one waiting to ambush us when we made it out, and I found myself disappointed, nowhere closer to finding Cas.

We put our guns away and got back in the car. It was a quiet thirty minute drive home. I was hoping to see Cas holding Hotep in the garage when I pulled into the garage, but he wasn't there. Sam and I checked the bunker again, and called his phone again, and I was swearing when I found his phone on his bed.

I swear, if that bitch had anything to do with this, I was going to tear her throat out.

I didn't even care at how violent my thoughts were, because I wasn't having it. I wasn't loosing someone else.

Sam got on his laptop as quick as he could, checking all the traffic cameras closest to the bunker, looking for anything suspicious. I went on my own laptop looking for anything local that was suspicious, but there was nothing. Even the police scanner we turned on was pretty quiet.

We were doing everything and yet there was still nothing.

I sighed in frustration, slamming my laptop shut, rubbing by face as I could sense Sam looking up at me.

"You should take a break Dean."

"M'fine."

"I've more than got it." He nodded to his computer and police scanner. "Go take a walk or something. In the bunker." He quickly corrected himself when I glowered at him. "Come on, you need a break. Go pet the cat Cas brought back-"

"Hotep." I said.

"Hotep." Sam amended. "I was holding him earlier. You'd be surprised at how calming it is."

"I'm allergic."

He rolled his eyes.

"Just take a walk Dean."

"Fine, fine." I stood up, pushing back my chair. "I'm going."

"I'll let you know if I find anything." Sam said as I walked out of the kitchen.

I said nothing in response, deciding to take up his suggestion and see the damn cat - Hotep.

I paused by the doorway of our makeshift living room, looking in, half expecting Cas to be sitting on the couch, watching some other chick flick. But it was empty, and with a sigh, I moved on.

A few minutes later, I opened the door to the garage, Hotep running up to me, meowing loudly, and I felt myself smile.

Damn son of a bitch knew how to make you feel wanted.

"Hey there." I murmured, closing the door behind me and kneeling down, petting him as he circled me, rubbing himself against my thighs. "Have you seen Cas?"

He mewed, head butting my hand, purring loudly in the silence.

I sighed, ruffling his head, walking over to my workbench, grabbing the bag of cat treats, the bag crinkling and Hotep started meowing in excitement, dancing around my legs, impatient.

"Chill out." I chuckled slightly, putting a few on the floor, closing the bag as he inhaled them in loud snuffly breaths.

I sneezed, chuckling when he jumped, startled, looking up at me for a moment before going back to eating his treats.

"Sorry buddy," I said, kneeling down, petting him, his back arching as I scratched his back. "I just don't work with you guys."

He made a soft humming sound, as if sympathizing, turning around and running after a cricket that had gotten into the garage, pouncing it, playing with it for a bit before eating it, completely forgetting about me. I sneezed again, shaking my head, turning around to walk back out of the garage.

_"-I would heal you, but I don't have my grace..."_

I frowned, my chest clenching in anxiety.

_Cas, wherever you are, I hope you're okay._

  
\----------

  
"Dean. Dean!"

I jumped, startling awake.

"I'm up. I'm up." I sat up, staring at my computer, blinking, wondering why it was black for a second before I realized it was sleeping.

Sam chuckled, drinking his coffee.

"Seriously. Go get some shut eye. I'll stay up."

"No, I'm okay." I rubbed my eyes, blinking.

"Dean. Go." Sam said firmly, and I bit back a yawn, pondering it for a bit.

"Fine. Fine. I'm going." I pushed back my chair, Sam nodding to me and I walked out, making my way to my room.

Once in my room, I mechanically undressed, putting on a t-shirt and pair of sweats, not really putting much effort into brushing my teeth, tumbling into bed soon after, sighing in relief.

I lay there, expecting sleep to find me, but it didn't, and I grew uncomfortable, rolling over to my side. Then my other side, my thoughts eating at me.

What if he was being tortured? What if they had-

 _Don't think about it!_ I told myself, my blood running cold with the possibility that he was dead.

Not Cas. Not now. Not after Ben and Lisa were gone. Not after I was finally coming to terms with myself.

Then a new thought dawned on me.

_What if it was my fault he was gone?_

I considered this, my heart sinking.

_Maybe he left because of my reaction after we- after the kiss._

I remembered the tremble in his voice when I was running away, when he was calling my name.

_That tremble you hear in someone's voice when they know they've fucked up..._

But... Cas hadn't done anything wrong... It was just the heat of the moment, and it had all happened so quickly.

It was my fault he was gone. He probably thought he had crossed the line and that I would never want to see him again.

I lay frozen on my bed, hating myself more and more by the second.

It was my fault, and now, I might not ever see him again.

I rolled onto my back, my chest taunt with anxiety and grief.

And right when I wanted him more than ever...

Why did shit like this always happen to me?

 _Oh, right, because I fuck up anything I touch_. I thought cynically, swearing in the dark.

Son of a bitch. Now I was pissed and emotional like a fucking woman and I couldn't sleep.

I sat up, wishing I could kick, punch, kill a sulfur bag, do something.

"Damn it." I swore aloud, looking up at the ceiling. "God _damn it!_ " I swore again, this time with more fever, a bout of rage filling me, and I threw my pillow off of the bed, it slamming violently against my dresser, my photo of Sam, mom and I falling over in the melee.

I raised my hand to throw my lamp off my dresser, but I stopped myself, sighing as I took a breath, sitting on the edge of my bed, my head in my hand.

Throwing stuff around wouldn't solve anything, and frankly, I didn't feel like cleaning up the mess later. Or explaining myself to Sam.

I sighed, standing up, walking over and retrieving my pillow, straightening, righting the picture frame; mom and Sam's smiling faces beaming at me, and I felt a twinge of guilt. I needed to pull myself together. If anything, things were still exactly the same. Sam was still my number one priority. Always had been since the day dad put him in my arms the night mom died.

Giving the picture an affectionate rub with my thumb, I turned around, putting my pillow on my bed, taking another attempt at sleep.

I'm not sure how long I laid there, tossing and turning, not even music helping me calm down enough for sleep.

Finally, I gave up, throwing back the covers and decided to take a walk, opening my door. I planned on going to check on Hotep, maybe give him some more treats, but I stopped in front of Cas' room, staring at the closed door.

I looked up and down the hallway, Sam nowhere in sight, and I quietly opened the door, slipping inside his room, closing the door behind me. I fumbled my way to his bed, feeling around until I found his lamp, flicking it on.

His room was still the same, bed meticulously made, and mostly bare, except for his dresser, which was covered in an assortment of plants.

I stepped closer, finding a small tray of dirt - tiny green sprouts poking out of the dirt, three in a row. Next to it, was a miniature rose plant, a tiny pink rose slowly blooming, and I held it gently in my hand, marveling at the fact of how small it was. It wasn't even a quarter of the size of a normal rose, but it was just as beautiful.

 _Leave it to Cas to collect plants_.

I chuckled to myself, gently letting go of the rose, when I noticed a row of pictures leaned up against the rose pot.   
Picking it up to inspect, I realized it was the pictures Cas and I had taken at the mall the other day.  
Crossing my arms, looking back over at his bed, I hesitantly walked over to it with the photos in hand, suddenly feeling like I shouldn't be there, and that anyone could walk in any second. A part of me knew the feeling was completely irrational, but I still felt it.   
Slowly, after some internal debate, I sat on his bed, waiting, though for what, I didn't know.

Eventually, I relaxed, laying back down on it.

 _Cas_.

I could smell him everywhere, and it was oddly comforting. Almost like he was there. Maybe if I closed my eyes, he would be.

Lifting the row of pictures up, I really looked at them for the first time.

The first picture wasn't my best, in fact, I was just a blur; my head an almond brown color as I was mid-motion to facing the camera, but Cas was smiling at the camera. His eyes were a bit paler blue than normal from the flash, but he was beaming, and I realized for the first time that his gum-line showed when he really smiled.

_He had a beautiful smile..._

Trying not to over analyze myself, I moved onto looking at the next picture below it, and I chuckled.

Cas was full on in his, _'I don't understand'_ confusions - head tilted, brows furrowed slightly, like a curious dog.   
I was clear in the picture this time, caught mid-laugh, my hand on my forearm as I had kept him from leaving.   
Although I didn't really like the way I looked in the picture, my face twisted in odd directions, I liked it.   
The next picture took a more somber tone, and those piercing gazes Cas gave me was frozen in my fingers, and my face was tense with defensiveness.   
The next picture made my stomach twist, and to any third party, it looked like Cas and I were about to _kiss_ ; his lips parted with the words he never said, my eyes on his parted lips.   
I swallowed, looking at the last photo.   
This one made a pang of sadness pulse through me - Cas looking away from me with a melancholic look, and I had my brows furrowed in confusion.

I lay there for awhile longer, gazing at the photos, and wondering where Cas was. Eventually, I began to grow drowsy before I made myself sit up, yawning. After putting the pictures back, I stalked over to the door, opening it a crack, seeing Sam nowhere in sight.

Turning around, I turned off the lamp, and without a second thought, I grabbed one of Cas' pillows, trying not to think too much about it, as I closed his door and dashed back into my room, closing the door behind me.

I got back into bed, and once I was comfortable, I tentatively held Cas' pillow close to my chest, breathing him in as I closed my eyes, letting myself fall asleep.


	15. Flame

Fifteen

I blinked, opening my eyes, darkness all around me. I looked up and down, turning in a circle. It seemed that I was the only thing illuminated, and I was alone.

"Yo Deano, how are things shaking?"

I whirled around, my lip curling as I laid eyes on Nira.

She smiled, her left leg rubbing behind the other, waggling her fingers at me in a tiny wave, her short peach colored dress swishing, and if she wasn't an evil bitch, I would've found her utterly adorable and innocent, but I knew she was anything but.

"The hell are you doing here?" I snarled.

She frowned, pink lips pouting.

"I just wanted to talk."

"Where's Cas."

She raised an eyebrow, scoffing, putting a dramatic hand over her heart as she giggled, playing with the fabric of her dress. When she was done having her fun, she sighed, tossing long blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Right down to business huh? I gotta say Dean, I like the foreplay." She bit her lip coyly.

I rolled my eyes.

"Can it bitch. Answer the question."

The playful, innocent look in her eye quickly transformed to white hot rage and defiance.

"You're lucky this is a dream." she drawled, her voice dripping with venom.

"Is it really?"

She gritted her teeth, her soft jawline twitching.

"Fine. You want your _friend_?"

She spit out the word, taunting me with it, seemingly knowing that he never really was just that. I could feel my heart accelerating with excitement, annoyance and fear, and I crossed my arms, rolling my eyes.

"No, I want to put him up for adoption."

She rolled her eyes.

"He's fine if you're wondering." She snapped her fingers, and a swirl of colors appeared next to her, slowly transforming into an image.

 _Cas_.

He was fine, aside from a few cuts on his face. His arms were in shackles similar to how mine were against the wall, head slouched forward from unconsciousness, but his chest was still rising and falling with breaths.

She snapped her fingers again, and the image slowly bled away, collapsing in on itself until it was just blackness again.

"Be back at the old military bunker before noon. You know, the one you know so well." she winked. "Or your precious little ex-angel gets it. Oh, don't bring that brother of yours either, or-" she dragged a finger across her throat. "No deal."

She grinned smugly, snapping her fingers, the colors of her dress slowly bleeding away, swirling into nothingness.

\--------

I choked for air, twitching awake.

I quickly looked over at my clock, terror ripping through me.

**9:48am.**

Barely two hours.

I sat up, rubbing my face.

I knew it was a trap, there was no doubt about it.

But there was also no way I was leaving Cas' life at stake like that, not when I could change things.

A part of me felt relieved, knowing he was alive, while another part of me wanted to skin the bitch alive, make sure she felt me tear the flesh-

I blinked, shaking my head.

God, what was with my uncharacteristically violent thoughts lately?

I didn't give myself much time to ponder it, as I was already getting up, putting aside Cas' pillow, walking over to my dresser and getting dressed.

I was preparing myself as I got ready, wondering just how I would evade Sam suspecting, much less finding out and wanting to plan an ambush. I couldn't afford for that to happen.

Once I finished dressing and preparing myself with an assortment of hidden blades in my pockets and boots as well as the demon blade, I quietly opened my door, straining my head to look down the hallway, not seeing Sam. I stalked up to his room, rounding the corner, his door open to an empty room.

_No Sam._

Quietly stalking my way to the garage, I had to pass the kitchen, silently sighing in relief to see Sam passed out on the table, his laptop still open.

"Sorry Sammy..." I said softly, lingering a bit longer, before I went on my way.

I ignored Hotep when I walked into the garage, the poor kitten demanding my attention as I grabbed my pistol from the impala, hiding it in the waistband of my jeans as I got into my car, opening the garage door and backing out.

It was a tense drive there, I must've ran through two dozen different scenarios, preparing myself for each one. I tried not to think too much about it, my stomach churning with apprehension as I pulled down the dirt road leaning to the old bunker almost thirty minutes later, the sun rising higher and higher in the sky, along with my anxiety.  
My gut twisted when I rounded a bend of trees, Nira and five men standing behind her, demons I was assuming. No Cas though...  
I parked the impala, getting out, slowly making my way over to the group.

"Ah Dean, you're early. And without Sam!" Nira beamed, as if I was the person she had been waiting all her life to meet. "I appreciate that."

"As much as I enjoy foreplay myself, let's get this train moving. Where's the angel?" I snarled, tense and ready to grab Ruby's knife that I had stuffed in my jacket pocket.

"All in good time." She smiled, looking over at one of her demons. "Go get him."

He nodded, stepping away from the formal straight row he was in, walking inside the bunker.

I crossed my arms, keeping my left hand subtly close to the knife, never letting my eyes off of Nira, and she never took her eyes off of me.

It was a long, blood boiling, tense silence, and I jumped slightly when the heavy concrete door was finally pushed open, two more demons accompanying the first demon, dragging Cas out by his arms, who seemed mostly unconscious, tossing him to the ground once they stood off to the side in-between Nira and I, Cas coughing and slowly pushing himself up with apparent weak strength.

"Cas?" I rasped, my voice high and needy, and he raised his head, bleakly looking at me.

"You shouldn't have come." He said wearily, quickly. "It's a trap-!"

His head was slammed into the dirt with a sickening smack by one of the demons, and I clenched my fists, gritting my teeth as I looked back over at Nira.

"Alright bitch. I'm here, before noon, and alone like you asked. We had a deal."

"Oh, you're right. I completely almost forgot. By all means." She gestured to Cas, and I looked back and forth between them, not trusting her.

But when no one made a move, I took a step over towards Cas, running when still, nobody said a word or even so much as breathed.

I dashed up to Cas, glowering at the demons that held him, who unceremoniously released his arms, causing him to collapse into the dirt again. I scowled, keeping my guard up as I knelt before Cas, putting my hand on his shoulder.

"Cas, hey buddy." I said softly, trying to get him to look at me. "Let's get out of here. You with me?"

He slowly lifted his head up to look at me, pale and defeated, blood pouring from his nose and he looked like he was on the verge of passing out.

"Poughkeepsie." He whispered simply, then all hell broke loose.

"Grab them!" Nira yelled, and it was a sudden, mad flurry of movement.

I swore as my arms were grabbed and yanked back with such force I could feel my arms pop, Cas being yanked away from me as he weakly fought in vain to get to me, writhing in his captors grip.

Once we were separated, and I was sufficiently held down, Nira laughed, walking up to me and kneeling before me, running a dainty finger over my chin and I turned my head in a futile effort to get away.

"I gotta say, that desire spell worked like a charm." she winked, reaching into the back of her jeans, pulling out a needle, onyx black liquid in it. "It was easier getting you here than getting a horse to drink water."

She sighed happily, flicking the edge of the needle, the black liquid dribbling out.

"I have to say, I think you're one of the greatest things Nero and I have created."

And with that, she yanked my jacket sleeve up and plunged the needle into the vein on my arm, and I swore in pain, watching the black liquid disappear into my arm.

I writhed against the demons grasp on me, not liking the mumbo jumbo she was starting to chant over me, her eyes slipping shut.

" _Dean_!" I heard Cas shriek, and out of the corner of my eye, I watched the third demon slamming him hard with his first into the side of his head, sending Cas flying to the ground, barely catching himself with the palms of his hands, spitting blood into the dirt.

Rage filled me, and I struggled to get my feet under me, twisting and moving my body like an insane person, the demons struggling to keep ahold of me, all the while, Nira was chanting, her hands raising to the sky.

I wrenched my arm hard to the left, the demon loosing his grip on me, and I swung my fist hard into the other demons face, sending him stumbling backwards.  
The other demons standing by converged upon me, and I tore out the demon knife, sending it straight into the heart of one of the demons, it sparking and gasping before it collapsed to the dirt, the other demons hesitating.

"Well, come and get it you sons of bitches." I taunted, smirking.

They were frozen a beat longer, before one charged me.

It was a blur of movement, grunts, and gasps. I could vaguely feel the spatter of blood on my face and hands each time I killed a demon, dodging and receiving blows, spitting blood and going again. And again and again.  
I was fully immersed in it, dodging, jumping, gasping when I got hit. I didn't care how many blows I rained down with the knife. Hell, I didn't care if I stabbed the same demon multiple times, all that mattered was getting them to cower before me, to feel their blood drip off my skin as I picked them off, one by one, all the while Nira mumbling.  
It wasn't until I straightened after stabbing the last demon multiple times, my chest heaving as I looked over at Cas, who was curled up on the ground, his eyes wide with fear, that I noticed Nira was silent, her eyes roving over me in appraisal, smirking.

"My work here is done." She grinned, snapping her fingers as I lunged towards her, only to swipe at empty air.

"Son of a bitch..." I growled, catching my breath, wiping my brow as I looked over at Cas, who was face first in the dirt, hand pressed to his stomach.

"Cas?" I said in concern, my adrenaline draining out of me as I dashed over to him, dropping to my knees as I cupped his face. " _Cas_?"

I go no response, his eyes shut, and I swore, gently laying his bleeding head back down on the ground as I ran over to the impala, shakily unlocking the trunk and dragging out the first aid kit and some rags. Running back, I used the rags to clean the blood that I could from his face and back of his head, pressing the rag gently against it, hoping to stem the flow.  
With my other hand, I dug through the first aid kit, finding a giant pad, which I quickly swapped out the rag for, grabbing some gauze and proceeded to wrap it around his head as I balanced his head on my thigh. Once I did what I could to stop the blood flow, I looked over his body, checking for other wounds.  
He had some cuts and bruises, some cuts fairly deep and I swore to myself.

_Had they been torturing him? For what?_

"I'm so sorry Cas..." I said softly, somewhat relieved to see that he was okay otherwise, the cut on his neck having not been touched.

Taking a breath, I gently put him back down on the ground, packing up the first aid kit, not bothering to check my own wounds as I hurried to put the first aid kit away, slamming the trunk closed then opening up the back door, leaving it as I ran back over to Cas, gathering him in my arms and grunting as I staggered to my feet, his head lolling over my arm as I struggled to gently place him in the backseat. It took some work, but once I was satisfied, I closed the door, running to the drivers side, sliding in and starting the car.  
I vaguely remembered the pile of bodies I was leaving, but frankly, I didn't care and getting Cas back to the bunker was more important.

I drove too fast, but even so, I didn't make it back to the bunker until about twenty minutes later, worry beginning to eat at me when Cas still didn't wake up, still asleep when I pulled into the garage, Sam running up to me, angry.

"Dean! Where the hell were you?!"

"I'll explain later." I said quickly as I got out of the car, rushing to open the back door, gently pulling Cas out.

"You- What's wrong with Cas?!" he demanded as he helped me get him out.

"It was a trap okay, but I wasn't leaving Cas to die." I snapped, shifting my hold on Cas and turning, carrying him inside the bunker, Sam opening the door for me.

"How the hell did you even know where he would be?"

"Dream." I grunted, passing the kitchen, careful not to knock Cas' head against the wall. "Nira came to me in a dream."

"You know what that means right." Sam said, opening the door to Cas' room, but I shook my head, nodding to my room, and he opened my bedroom door.

"I need to clean his wounds and his room doesn't have a bathroom." I hastily explained, gently laying Cas on my bed. "And yes I know what it means Sam. She's got my DNA laying around somewhere to gag some African dream root and dance in my head. I'm not an idiot!" I snapped, rushing into my bathroom, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it, rushing back.

Sam had already removed Cas' jacket and shirt, revealing a horde of bruises and cuts, and I swore.

"I'll get the first aid kit." Sam said, getting off of my bed and running out.

I replaced his seat next to Cas, carefully wiping the dried blood and dirt from his body, the once white rag completely red and brown by the time I was done.

While I grabbed a fresh one, Sam disinfected the cuts, stitching up some of the deeper ones on his chest while I took a breath, shrugging off my jacket and frowning as I looked at myself in the mirror.

My face was covered in spatters of blood, my left cheek slowly turning purple with a bruise I hadn't even felt yet or noticed, a few minor cuts spotting my face. I turned on the water, gingerly cleaning my face with cold water, wincing as my cuts stung, but I ignored it, adding a bit of soap to disinfect them.

Once I was finished, I checked my right arm, rolling up my shirt sleeve.

I gasped to see a purple-black circle around the spot where Nira put the needle, and I tentatively touched it, hissing when it stung like a son of a bitch. Quickly checking over the rest of my body, I was relieved to see that other than a constellation of bruises, I was fine. I'd been through worse.

"Dean?" I heard Sam call me.

"Yeah?" I rolled down my shirt sleeve, hiding the weird mark on my arm, grabbing the damp wash rag and walking back in the room. "How is he?"

"He'll be okay. Probably will wake up with one helluva headache though." He nodded to his head, which he had cleaned and freshly bandaged while I had been tending to myself.

"Poor son of a bitch." I frowned, handing Sam the damp wash cloth, who gently cleaned the slowly drying blood off of his smooth chest around the cuts he had stitched.

"Yeah. He'll pull through though." Putting aside the washcloth, he started putting away the things he used from the first aid kit. "So, what happened?"

"There's not much to tell." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "Nira visited me in a dream, told me to come meet her at that military bunker before noon and without you, or, well..." I broke off, but Sam knew what I meant, nodding.

"I still should've come with you."

"I couldn't risk that Sam." I sighed. "She was already expecting you to be there. And either way, she wasn't letting me have Cas until-" I broke off, looking away from him.

"Until what Dean?" he prodded.

"Nothing." I shook my head, crossing my arms. "Anyways, I need to get back there. I have to get rid of the bodies."

"No way. You need to relax and be here for when Cas wakes up. I'll go."

"Not alone you're not." I hissed, blocking his way out as he stood. "She could be waiting."

He sighed.

"Remember Gerald? That hunter we teamed up with a few months back when there was that shifter issue when you lived back in Texas with-" he broke off, not saying their names, but I knew. "Well, he's in town and I could ask him to come with me."

I sighed, debating it.

"Fine. Keep the GPS turned on your phone when you leave."

He nodded, backing out of my room.

"We'll finish this talk later." he looked pointedly at me, and I swore inwardly, knowing he was going to drill me until he got to the source of why Nira wanted me.

I sat on the edge of my bed as I listened to him walk away, seemingly taking the first breath in an hour, resting my arm on my thigh, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers. As the adrenaline began to wear off, I could feel all my fresh wounds announcing themselves, and my entire body was aching.  
Sam left several minutes later, waving goodbye to me, on the phone with Gerald, his voice fading as he walked down the hallway, and it was so quiet in the bunker, I could hear the garage door close.

With Cas showing no signs of waking, I went ahead and changed my clothes, taking my dirty, bloodstained shirt, jacket and jeans to the bathroom, cleaning them the best I could under cold water.  
I had just hung up my shirt to dry and went to work on cleaning my jeans, when I heard a groan.

"Dean?"

Leaning around the doorway, I saw Cas wincing, his hand pressed to his forehead in pain.

"Cas, hey, hey." I turned off the water, leaving my jeans in the sink, hastily drying my hands then dashed over to him. "How are you feeling?"

He blinked, squinting his eyes, looking up at me then closed his eyes again.

"I feel like my cerebral cortex is trying to implode on itself."

I laughed weakly, grabbing the glass of water on my nightstand, offering it to him.

"Do you want to take an aspirin?"

He pondered it a moment, before nodding.  
I got up, taking the glass with me as I opened up my dresser, pulling out my small box of aspirins, grabbing one and coming back, sitting next to him.

"You'll need to sit up." I said, helping him sit up, propping pillows behind his back to hold him up, handing him the aspirin, then helping him chase it down with water.

He guzzled the entire cup, and a second one after I refilled it, taking the cup away from him after that.

"Let's let that settle." I said, setting the cup down. "That aspirin should kick in in about twenty minutes."

He nodded weakly, gazing languidly at me, and I could tell he was struggling to keep his eyes open.

"How are you Dean?"

"I'm fine." I shrugged. "A couple cuts and bruises, but I'll heal. Probably a few new scars for the collection." I chuckled, but he frowned.

"That's not funny Dean. You could've died."

"But I didn't." I grabbed the second glass of water I had gotten earlier for myself, drinking it.

He rolled his eyes.

"That was foolish coming after me that way. You were outnumbered."

"I couldn't let you sit in some cell like I had." I drained the cup, biting my bottom lip before putting it aside with a sigh. "She would've killed you. You were _tortured_!"

"She could've killed _you_ , Dean."

I rolled my eyes.

"Would you quit worrying? I killed them, she got away, but so did we. Sam and his friend are taking care of the bodies as we speak. It's fine."

"What is it with you Winchesters?" he exclaimed in exasperation, eyes snapping with irascibility. "You all are so stubbornly foolish and impudent and run towards death with open arms. I don't understand..."

He gingerly rubbed his forehead wearily.

"Sounds like you've met quite a few Winchesters." I teased weakly.

He lowered his hand, staring at me dubiously.

"Understatement."

"Come on, we can't all be that bad." I shrugged, laughing a bit awkwardly, though I was getting the feeling that we weren't talking about other Winchesters anymore.

"You're all detestable. The most idiotic, bullheaded, unthinking-"

" _Okay_! I'm going to stop you there before you rattle off every negative word in the dictionary." I waved him off, shaking my head with a sigh, dropping my head in my hand.

"-loyal, compassionate, selfless, empathetic, protective, courageous people I've ever encountered." He finished, and he was gazing at me when I turned back to look at him, his eyes twinkling with some emotion.

"Heh, yeah." I scoffed, looking away, rubbing my face, wincing at my bruise and cuts protesting that.

I felt him gently put his hand on my forearm, and I lowered my hand, looking at him.

"I mean it Dean." he was looking at me in such a way, like he was gazing upon the most beautiful thing to exist, and he was ashamed that the thing didn't see itself that way.

I flushed, looking away.

He said nothing more, his hand still resting on my forearm, wide and warm.

"Are you okay?" he said softly, and I knew he wasn't talking about my cuts and wounds.

I thought back to my courage the other day, and how I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but now... now that he was here, the words were caught in my throat, and I was stuck staring at my floor like a girl with her first crush.

"I don't know..." I whispered, and it wasn't exactly a lie either.

"I can wait." he whispered, and I turned to look at him, a bit surprised, although I had no idea why.

He'd waited this long for me, he would wait until the end of time for me.

I gazed back at him, his eyes flickering with emotions, and it occurred to me, that he was a fallen star that had never left the sky. He was so pure, so bright, and he always seemed to be that one light, that one shining star in my world, no matter how dark it got. And he had always been around me, revolving around me, watching after me and loving me.  
I could feel myself warming at the thought, my thoughts seemingly having direct route to my tear ducts, and I blinked rapidly, fighting the tears off.

Then I felt a hand rest gently on my cheek, rubbing my bruised cheek softly, no judgement in his eyes, just pure adoration and affection. I felt one tear slip down my cheek without my permission, and I looked away, but he gently turned my head to look back at him.

He said nothing, wordlessly wiping the tear away, running his hand through my hair, letting his hand rest on the back of my head. He was looking at me, calculating, then he started slowly pulling me towards him. I was frozen, letting him slowly pull me closer to him, our breaths tickling each others faces before he stopped, the courage he seemed to have seconds ago dissipating. He looked away, and I could see the shame in his eyes, but I found myself reaching up, cupping his cheek with one of my hands, and he looked back up at me, surprised.  
A beat passed, then he leaned into my hand, raising his other hand up to rest on top of mine, fingers falling in between mine as he kept my hand there, his palm warm against the back of my hand.  
I felt my chest flutter with warmth as he gazed at me, the both of us drowning in the others eyes, our breaths beginning to sync in the silence, and I could hear my heartbeat drumming in my ears again.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

Cas' fingers curled slightly behind my head, and I flushed, realizing he wanted to kiss me, but he wanted to wait for me to do it. He wanted it to be on my terms, my volition. My consent.

_"I can wait."_

I blushed a bit deeper shade of red, closing my eyes. I took a breath, then I slowly leaned down, the air sparking with electricity, and I gently pressed my lips to his.

He sighed softly, as if he had been waiting all his life for this moment, lips dancing with mine, fingers tangling in my hair.  
He was warm, and I could smell his unique scent, the slight stinging smell of the antiseptics mixing with it in an oddly enticing swirl.  
Just like last time, he was gentle, slow, letting me control every movement, every breath, but there was that underlying desire, that burn, that fire. The kiss was chaste, and I'd had better kisses, but it was by far, the most intimate one I had ever shared. I could feel myself melting into it, unraveling into him, time and space melting, and it felt as if he was the thing that made everything move, blink, and breathe.  
Never mind that I had met God himself, kissing Cas broke and reforged me all in one single breath. He somehow had the power to shatter me, but mold me back together into some new, beautiful art.  
It made me lightheaded knowing he was holding back. Knowing that the slow, simmering burn I was merely tasting now, was merely just that; a taste.  
It was only the edge of the flame, the hot searing blaze of passion he wanted to show me, had always hidden from me.  
I found myself wanting it, wanting to share my own hidden flame with him.

_I wanted him._

I pulled myself closer, Cas gasping in response, lips parting.  
I ran my tongue along his bottom lip, and I smirked as he shuddered, his fingers tightening in my hair even further.  
He wasn't letting me have my way with him though, nipping at my bottom lip in retaliation, pulling a gasp of surprise from me.  
I put my free hand flat on the bed, holding myself up as I leaned over him, both of our tongues fighting for dominance, both of us so excited that we hindered our own explorations of each other.  
Cas gently pulled my hand away from his face, intertwining his fingers with mine, and I responded in kind, his hand slotting up perfectly with mine, like two puzzle pieces clicking together.  
He untangled his hand from my hair, his hand wandering to the back of my neck, tangling into the fine hairs there.  
I wanted to explore him with my hands, but I didn't want to let go of his hand, and my other hand was the only thing holding me up.  
I finally had to break the kiss to breathe, resting my forehead against Cas' as we both gasped for air.  
Once I regained some semblance, I kissed the corners of his mouth, his cheek, his stubble tickling my lips.  
Cas was panting heavily below me, watching my every move with dark blue orbs, eyes dilated with lust and desire.  
I kissed down to his neck, careful of his cut there, Cas trembling under my every kiss, as if it was the most beautiful sensation in the world. I was nearing his collarbone, when he suddenly gasped, his hand clenching around mine.  
I smirked, curious, kissing the spot again.  
I got a similar reaction, looking up to watch his reaction. Cas' eyes had shut sometime along the way, and he was biting his bottom lip, seemingly still trying to keep himself together.  
I chuckled darkly, gently nipping the skin, laving my tongue over it, and Cas whimpered, his fingers clenched so tightly around mine it was starting to hurt, but I didn't care.  
I _wanted_ to pull more sounds from him, watch him unravel beneath me, become a panting, whimpering mess.  
I set to work, alternating between kissing, nipping and sucking at the sensitive patch of skin, Cas gasping and writhing beneath me, whimpering softly.

"Dean..." He whispered finally, his voice deep and thick with desire, and I wasn't prepared for the look in his eyes.

He looked like he wanted to eat me _alive_ , and he was just barely holding himself back, warning me.

I ignored him, trying to calm him with a kiss, but he returned it with fervor, groaning against my lips.  
He broke his grip on my hand, letting go of my hair with his other hand, letting them land on my hips.  
I broke the kiss for air, and Cas started attacking my neck with nips and kisses, tugging, pulling at my hips.  
I was gasping, barely thinking straight, letting Cas pull me onto his lap, and I bit my lip as I could feel how badly he wanted me, and I trembled at the thought, wondering if I was ready to take things that far.  
Then he found my soft spot, yanking a squeak from my lips, and all shortcomings and fears went right out of my head.  
Yes, I didn't give a damn that my bedroom door was open, or the fact that Sam could walk in any minute, all I was thinking about was getting Cas out of these _goddamn pants._  
He had other ideas though, tugging at the hem of my shirt, waiting for my permission as he continued to lave my neck with bites and kisses, and I was having trouble comprehending it. It wasn't until I felt the tips of his fingers graze my bare skin and _fuck_. A spark flew up my spine, and it was suddenly too damn hot. I needed the offending fabric off _now_.  
With excited, hasty fingers, Cas stopped kissing my neck, helping me toss my shirt aside, suddenly freezing, his eyes widening, and my heart sunk, _because you do not look at someone like that when you're about to fuck them_.

"Dean..." He said slowly, a bit breathless. "What's on your arm..?"

I blinked, looking down, gasping in shock to see black, curvy lines trailing up my arm, spreading around my entire arm like a vine, all starting at the same spot. The place where Nira had put the needle in.

"What the-" I blinked, scrambling off of his lap, holding my arm out to inspect as I stood up.

"Does it hurt?" Cas asked, all desire and lust gone, sitting up and reaching out for my arm.

"No." I wrenched my arm away from him. "Don't touch it, it might be transmittable."

He sighed, frowning.

"We need to call Sam."

I sighed, torn between being terrified, and saying fuck it and asking Cas _to fuck_ me.

"Dean?" Cas said, looking at me in concern, pulling me out of the delightful images I got from that picture.

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

"Damn it."

"What are you damning Dean?" He said worriedly.

I looked back over at him, seeing he had propped himself up on his elbows, and _damn_.  
Now that I wasn't freaking out about treating wounds or death, I could just look at him, and damn, he was _beautiful_.  
His body was lean, slightly muscular, which slightly surprised me, because the first and last time I'd seen Cas shirtless, well, really, in all his glory, he'd been crazy and covered in bees, and then, I was too busy trying not to get stung and covering my eyes really to look.  
Now, I let myself look at him, and clearly, his immense layering of clothes hid a masterpiece. His biceps were deceptively thick, muscles flared out as they held him up. His chest was smooth and lean, a light scattering of chest hair trailing down to the waistline of his pants, and I found myself following it with my eyes. There was no longer any evidence that he wanted me like there had been earlier, because I'd felt him when I was sitting on his lap, but I still stared nonetheless.

"Dean?"

I blinked, looking away, scratching the back of my neck.

"Yeah."

He frowned, holding his hand out to me, and after some hesitation, I walked up to him.

He took my hand, guiding me to sit back down on the bed, intertwining his fingers with mine.

"We can finish later, if you wish." he smiled a little, his cheeks turning a soft shade of pink and I chuckled.

"You kiss a mean game." I teased, although it really wasn't a lie, and he actually _blushed_.

 _I'm remembering that for later_...

"So... does this mean..?" he broke off, as if not sure how to phrase his words, and I was secretly glad, because I wasn't all too sure of it myself.

"I don't know." I answered honestly, looking at the floor. "We should talk about this later."

He frowned.

"Dean.. I-I need to know..." he said softly, and he looked away from me when I turned to look at him, but he didn't look away quick enough before I saw the slight hurt and fear flash in his eyes.

"Cas, look at me."

He didn't look at me for a bit, before he finally did, looking like a puppy that knew it was in trouble, and my heart twisted at the sight.  
I gently squeezed his hand, smiling a little at him, hoping to comfort him.

"This uh, this... _thing_." I finally said, struggling to find my words. "Is a lot for me to take in. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about it, and I don't want to jump into anything too soon and hurt you. So, uh, I guess if we didn't give it a name for now and just explored it, would be the best. And if we didn't tell Sam... I would appreciate that. I don't know what he would say..."

I sighed, frowning, looking away.

"I believe Sam would be relieved, but whatever you're comfortable with Dean, I will support."

I whipped my head to look at him, surprised, but I wasn't able to ask, because I heard the bunker door close, and voices.

"You should dress." Cas said, seemingly unaware of the bombshell he had dropped on me, and I was staring at him dumbly for a few seconds, then I was hastily grabbing my shirt, pulling it on.

"You want your shirt?" I asked, looking over at him, noticing the slowly blossoming hickey on his soft spot. "Never mind. You need it."

Cas frowned, confused, but allowed me to help him put his shirt back on.

"I'll explain later." I whispered, barely getting into a respectable position sitting on the edge of the bed when Sam and Gerald walked into the room.

"Cas!" Sam smiled over at Cas, seeing him up. "How are you?"

"I'm well." he looked over at Gerald, who was looking over at me, hazel eyes sharp but playful. "Who are you?"

"I'm Gerald Baker, you must be Castiel. I've heard a lot about you." He pushed back light brown curly hair, smiling, dimples appearing on his cheeks.

Gerald had always struck me as the type to hang in the mall, and woo all the girls, but he seemed to want to spend his time hunting or studying at college and drinking enough beer every day to fill a pool. He was the first and only hunter I've ever met that did all that successfully.

Cas nodded, just scrutinizing him, and Gerald moved on, smiling at me.

"Long time no see Dean. How are things?"

"As good as they can get." I shrugged. "You guys take care of it?"

"Yeah." Sam nodded. "Nobody showed up."

"Good." I nodded. "We need to talk."

Sam frowned.

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah. Aside from this." I stood up, rolling up my shirtsleeve, showing them the strange black veins on my arm. "We got some researching to do."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for slow update guys, I was exhausted after my spn con and I had a ton of work this week. Best weekend of my life though, misha is a true angel, and I'll never forget my experience with him. <3
> 
> Hope you guys liked that chapter though, and I'll see you guys next week with a new update!


	16. Envy

Sixteen

After Sam and Gerald examined my arm and I finally admitted a watered down version of what Nira had done to me - Cas telling us the unsettling details that he had been tortured for personal information about me - which he lied about - we all moved to the library. Cas was sitting next to me, helping me scour the Internet while Sam and Gerald dug through some old books.

"So, does it hurt?" Gerald asked, his voice accented with Australia's dialect.

"Not really." I said, scanning through the article Cas was reading. "Only when I touch it."

"Huh." Gerald said, flipping through his book. "It's the strangest thing you've seen, yeah?"

"One of them." I admitted, turning to look over at him.

"Could make a badass tattoo mate." He grinned, rolling up his shirtsleeve, showcasing his various tattoos, so many bunched together, I would've had to take a closer look to decipher them.

"I've thought about getting more," I admitted, looking back at my computer, Cas scrolling through a different website. "Just never done it."

"We should go get one sometime mate." he grinned, dimples flashing.

"I gotta figure out what else I want first." I chuckled.

"Alright, sounds great." He said, putting up his book and grabbing a new one. "Do you guys really think we'll be able to find anything? I mean, we don't even know what she put into him."

"It doesn't hurt to look." Sam said a bit harshly, looking up from his book.

"I didn't mean to sound pessimistic, I was just saying." Gerald said quickly, raising his hand, his ring glinting in the light. "Maybe this is something new entirely. Dean, you did say that you think they were doing experiments?"

"Yes." I nodded slowly.

"Then it's probably not online or in no damned book. If she meant to kill Dean, I'm pretty sure he would've been dead right now."

I saw Cas bristle next to me, and I laid my hand on his forearm under the table, warning him.   
He stayed seated, but was glaring daggers at Gerald, and I found it a bit amusing, although what he was saying wasn't whatsoever.

"Fine. Then what would she want with me?" I said, removing my hand.

"I'm flattered I look like her." He batted his lashes like a flirtatious woman, rolling his eyes as I chuckled. "How would I know?"

I sighed, drinking my beer.

"For once, it'd be awesome if our lives were simple."

"But we're not simple people, and the more complex you are, the more complex your life is." He shrugged. "Seems to the rule of thumb. You reap what you sow."

"Well aren't you a daisy." I muttered, drinking my beer.

He laughed, shaking his head.

"Mate, you know you've been drinking your friend's beer this entire time?" He pointed to my beer on the opposite side of me, and I realized I was indeed drinking Cas' beer.

"Sorry Cas." I shrugged finishing his beer off, Cas looking over at me, thinking to himself.

"Would it be customary for me to drink yours then?" he queried, and Gerald laughed.

"Well. Don't you get to the point." Gerald laughed, and I felt at odds, not knowing how to respond.

Cas just looked at Gerald, rolling his eyes, which Gerald didn't see since he was laughing, reaching over and grabbing my beer, taking a drag from it, and I watched the way his lips parted over the opening, and I found myself licking my lips.

"Alright then Cas, have at it." I said, raising my eyebrow in amusement.

He put down my beer, glancing over at me before looking back at the computer, his tongue licking his lips and I looked away, leaning my head on my hand, trying not to think about what his lips would taste like if I kissed him now.

_God, I was going crazy._

"Anyone getting hungry?" Gerald asked, looking through another book.

"I am." Sam admitted.

"Same. I haven't eaten all day." I realized.

"Dean, go eat. I won't have you dying on me." Cas said, repeating what I had said to him a few days ago, and I rolled my eyes, biting back a blush.

"I won't die on you." I crossed my arms, scoffing.

"Eating shouldn't be as cumbersome to you, Dean. You've done it all your existence." Cas said, staring hard at the computer.

"Doesn't mean it's any less annoying at times. Besides, I've been pretty occupied today, don't you think?"

I bit back a smirk, and he looked over at me, scrutinizing me, before flushing a bit as he grasped what I meant, looking away and I bit my lip, trying not to laugh.

"Great talk guys, but really, I'll help cook dinner." Gerald said, closing his book with a smack.

"I'll take you up on that." I stood up, looking down at Cas.

"You cool by yourself?"

"I have Sam." He said briskly, not looking at me.

I frowned, patting his shoulder.

"Alright, let's go." I waved for Gerald to follow me, and him and I walked into the kitchen around the corner.

"How does hamburgers sound?" I asked, pulling out some patties from the fridge.

"Fantastic." Gerald said, turning on the grill for me, and I handed him four hamburger patties.

"Awesome." I said, pulling out the cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, mayonnaise, and ketchup.

"Jeez, you load your burgers." Gerald said, leaning on the counter, adjusting his corded necklace, a vampire fang hanging off of it.

"The more the better." I shrugged, flipping the burgers.

"You're telling me." he laughed. "It smells great already. Who taught you to cook?"

"I learned it myself." I grinned, pulling out a cutting board and slicing up the tomatoes.

"That's sweet mate. People who can cook are always interesting." he winked and I laughed.

"I don't know about that."

"It's true! They've got a special touch, I swear. They can do everything better."

I chuckled, looking up when I saw movement in the corner of my eye and I looked up to see Cas standing in the doorway, and he looked peeved.

"Hey Cas." I said, grinning despite his expression. "It's almost ready."

He nodded, flashing a look at Gerald, before walking away.

"All angels like that?" Gerald asked, drinking his beer, chuckling.

"Not really. Most are flying douchebags."

He laughed.

"I think it's a shame that the real angels in this world aren't angels." He smiled coyly at me and I shook my head with a laugh.

As Gerald and I were waiting on the burgers, him and I exchanged hunting stories and mishaps, and I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.   
Gerald was funny, hazel eyes flashing deviously as he told his tales, curly hair bobbing with his animated way of telling stories with his hands.   
His story telling lasted until we all sat down to eat, and I was still laughing, Sam joining in the story sharing, and Gerald laughed when Sam told him about how I came up with Jefferson-Starships, putting his hand on my shoulder, telling me I was a genius.   
Dinner went by awesome, though Cas was silent through the whole ordeal, saying nothing.   
A couple hours later, after a few more beers, we were all in the library relaxing, starting to get weary.

"I think I'm going to hit the hay." Sam said, standing up and stretching. "Do you want to stay here Gerald?"

"No way. The night is young. I was going to hit up a few local haunts here. Leave a memory." he winked, and I laughed.

"Good luck trying to outdo mine." I laughed, leaning back in my chair as Sam made his excuses and left the room.

"I'll take that as a challenge. Or, we could be legends together." He grinned deviously. "Wanna come Dean? It'd be fun."

"As tempting as that is, I probably shouldn't be out."

I raised my arm, which hadn't improved in the last couple hours.

He rolled his eyes.

"Just say it's a tattoo mate. The chicks will dig it. Maybe even some guys." He chuckled, his eyes appraising me and I could feel myself flush.

"No, I'm good. I eagerly await your stories. That is, if you can remember them tomorrow." I laughed.

"That's why I want you to come with. You know, help me remember." he grinned.

"I'm flattered, but my answer stands." I said, shrugging.

"Damn. Would've really enjoyed getting to know the legend that is Dean Winchester." he chuckled.

"Maybe another time."

He nodded.

"I'm looking forward to it."

"Yeah. See you later man."

He winked, waving, walking out of the bunker, the door closing behind him and I stretched in my chair, looking around, surprised to see that Cas was gone.

_When had he left?_

After I locked the bunker door, I went to look for him in the garage, but he wasn't there, Hotep sleeping on his bed.   
Leaving the garage, I checked the living room, but he wasn't there either. I went to check his room, and sure enough, his door was closed.   
I debated on knocking, but I decided against it, going to my room and closing the door.   
I took a quick shower, put on some sweatpants and t-shirt, brushed my teeth, then got in my bed, sighing in weariness. I rolled over to my side, suddenly realizing I had never returned Cas' pillow to his room when a burst of his smell overwhelmed my senses as I rolled into his pillow.

He probably wanted it. I should give it to him. But what if he was already asleep? I didn't want to wake him up.

I decided to leave it be, closing my eyes, preparing to go to sleep.

I rolled over again, uncomfortable.

And again.

I tossed and turned for a good while, just flat out unable to sleep.

I grabbed my phone, the time reading 12:05am.

 _Don't do it Dean_ , I told myself. _He's probably asleep._

But then what else would I do, wander around the bunker? Watch one of the movies I'd seen a dozen times? Research?

I sighed, giving up, grabbing Cas' pillow, stalking to my door and opening it quietly, looking up and down the hallway, my only source of light being the nightlight we left in the hallway.   
Cas' door was still closed, and quietly closing my door behind me, I stepped over to his door, knocking on it softly.

"Cas?" I whispered, leaning towards the door, listening.

I heard soft rustling, like he was moving in his bed, and I opened the door a crack, peering inside.

"Cas?" I tried again, and I heard him sigh.

"Come in." he finally whispered, and I came in, closing the door behind me.

"I forgot to give this back to you." I held up his pillow, which was stupid since I couldn't see shit, which meant he couldn't either.

"At midnight?" he said softly, his voice like velvet in the dark, deeper and thicker than normal, sending shivers up my spine.

I chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I couldn't sleep.." I admitted.

He said nothing, the silence panning out between us.

"Cas?"

"What." he said, an edge to his voice.

I frowned.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Dean." he said shortly.

I rolled my eyes, holding my arm out, slowly stepping forward.

"You're lying."

"I'm tired."

"Right.." I said, not believing him. "You're mad."

He said nothing, and I finally found a corner of his bed, feeling my way forward.

"Why are you mad?" I prodded, putting his pillow on his bed.

"Why aren't you with Gerald. You could've gone since you can't sleep." He said calmly, but I could hear the underlying bitterness.

Then it dawned on me.

_He was jealous._

I wanted to chuckle at the absurdity of the thought of being with Gerald, but I didn't, and I inwardly wondered how many other times Cas had gotten jealous over the years, but never said anything.

"Because I wanted to be here." I said, sitting on the edge of his bed, and I could faintly feel the dip in the bed where his body was.

He said nothing, but I could almost feel his jealousy and frustration radiating off of him, and I frowned.

"I don't even like him that way Cas."

"You were letting him make flirtatious advancements with you."

"He wasn't flirting." I scoffed.

He sighed, muttering something to himself and it sounded like it was in another language.

"What." I scowled in his direction although I knew he couldn't see me.

"A child has more sense than you when it comes to advancements."

I rolled my eyes.

"I resent that."

"I would _know_."

I fell silent, not sure how to answer that. I suddenly decided to switch tactics, reaching out with my hand, feeling around for him, finding his arm a second later, and he pulled away from me.

"Dean. _Don't_." He said darkly, but I ignored him, pulling myself up further onto his bed, finding his chest with my hands, and I could feel his heartbeat pounding against my fingers through his shirt.

"Why are you jealous? Hmm?" I asked, hesitating a moment before leaning forward, my nose bumping against his skin as I found his neck, pressing a soft kiss there, my lips curling into a smirk as I heard him gasp, and he gave a weak attempt to move away, but I followed him, moving to bracket his body by sitting in his lap, balancing myself with my hands on his chest. "Come on Cas, tell me."

I could hear him open his mouth then close it in the dark, saying nothing.

Leaning forward again, keeping my hands over his heart, I could feel his heart beginning to hammer in his chest as I gently kissed his neck, mindful of his slowly healing cut.

"You need to leave," he said, his voice gruff, but he made no move to push me away.

"Not until you tell me why." I said, kissing up his neck, following his jawline up to his cheek, exploring the contours with my lips. I paused to rest my forehead against his, wishing I could see his face.

"No." He bit out, the bitterness fully revealing itself.

"Come on Cas." I hesitated before I pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, missing my mark slightly, trailing one of my hands up to the nape of his neck, smirking as I felt his heart skip a beat again with my right hand. "If you want me to leave, you have to tell me."

"And if I don't want you to leave." he said quickly, in a rush, and I pulled away slightly, not expecting his answer.

"Then I guess I can stay." I shrugged, playing indifference, although the idea of sleeping in Cas' bed made my stomach flutter in nervous excitement. "But you'll have to make me want to."

"How." He said simply, his voice somehow even deeper, gruffer.

"Tell me why you're jealous."

He was quiet for a bit, and I pressed light kisses along his neck, feeling his heart thump hard against my hand as I grew more comfortable with exploring him.

"Because..." he started, breaking off, seemingly having trouble choosing his words. "Everyone else can flatter you with a few hollow compliments and win your heart within a matter of hours; I've died for you more than once and you have never once given me a second thought."

I froze, not knowing what to say to that, a mix of indignation and sorrow filling me at the hollow pain in his voice.

"I'm not that easy." I said finally, bristling as I leaned back on my thighs.

"No?" He said simply, disbelievingly.

_He was challenging me._

"Winning my heart and getting me to sleep with them is two different things for one Cas," I pointed out. "I... I've just lost so many people, I don't want to give people something to hurt me with, so it's easier to just be physical with someone.."

He was quiet, his heartbeat steady.

"And how is having intercourse not giving your heart away."

"Because I wasn't connecting with my partners emotionally," I admitted softly. "It was purely for physical pleasure."

He said nothing, processing.

"Gerald was still flirting with you."

I chuckled, the tension easing, and I leaned my head against his forehead again.

"I don't want him. He doesn't even have blue eyes."

I felt his heart flutter under my palm, and I smirked, sure that he was blushing.

_Damn, I wish I could see that._

"S-sure," he stammered, his breathing a bit harsher.

"Yes." I said, kissing his cheek. "He also hasn't died for me."

Cas scoffed, and I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

"Hilarious Dean."

"I think I'm adorable." I grinned deviously against his skin.

"Do you?" He said, and there was a predatory edge to his voice, sending a shiver up my spine.

"Yeah." I said breathlessly, my nose brushing against his, heart calm against my palm.

"Tell me why you think you're adorable." He commanded, leaning forward slightly, kissing the corner of my mouth, my stomach exploding in butterflies.

"Um-" I mumbled, my head automatically leaning back as he kissed along my jawline then to my neck, still not touching me with his hands, but I was loosing my focus.

"I'm waiting Dean." Cas said casually, kissing down to the collar of my shirt, and I knew I'd better think fast or else he'd find my soft spot and I'd be lost.

"Because everyone else seems to think so." I finally stammered, gasping, biting my lip, feeling Cas' breath ghost over my soft spot, and I shivered.

"Everyone?" He said it in such a way, I knew he wanted me to elaborate.

"Y-yeah." I said stupidly, my skin crawling with goosebumps as I waited for him to kiss me, touch me, something.

"That's not sufficient." He said finally, breaking the suspended moment, and I exhaled, blinking.

"Why?" I breathed, licking my lip.

"You didn't elaborate." He chuckled darkly, kissing around my soft spot, and I rolled my eyes.

"I don't know, damn it." I finally exclaimed, tightening my fingers in the hairs on the nape of his neck, moving my head back forward, my nose brushing with his hair, and I could feel his heart racing under my palm now. "I would really appreciate it if we called it a tie and moved on."

"A tie?" he said lazily, and if my hand wasn't on his heart, I would've thought he was as cool as the cucumber he was playing up.

"Oh you son of a bitch..." I muttered, and he chuckled, quickly shutting up when I kissed him, whimpering softly against my lips, kissing me back with fervor.

His hands were suddenly all over me, running through my hair, cupping my jaw, to running over my chest, fingers teasing the edge of my shirt. He finally slipped his hands beneath my shirt, letting his hands ghost up the planes of my chest and I was shuddering, his hands exploring me with reverence, like he was at a church worshiping rather than kissing me like he wanted to eat me alive.   
I arched into his touch, pulling him closer to me by his neck, and he allowed me to do so. His hands were gentle as they explored my chest, mindful of my cuts, gently rubbing his thumb over each one he found, as if trying to heal it.   
I wanted to do the same, but I was too concerned with accidentally ripping one of his stitches open on his chest, so I settled for just feeling the rises and dips of his chest through his shirt, the firmness, then the softness. It was so vastly different from feeling a woman, but it was new uncharted territory, and while a part of me was still afraid, it was exhilarating.   
He broke the kiss to breathe, but he was relentless, kissing and biting lightly along my neck and I knew it was his jealousy spurring him on, and probably the fact that we didn't finish what we started this afternoon, but my heart was hammering at how unbelievably hot this thought was.   
I was panting hard, gasping for air and I held onto his shoulder for dear life, my other hand still over his heart, his heart racing like a freight train beneath my fingers.

_Thump, thump, thump._

I could feel myself responding to his each and every breath, kiss and touch, reminded that I had been aroused virtually all day since we made out on my bed.   
While a huge part of me wanted to tear away the last few layers of fabric between us, a part of me was terrified, having never done anything like this before with my own sex, and I was holding back because of it.   
It seemed Cas could sense that, slowing his attack on my neck, lightly kissing my bruised cheek.

"Dean?" he said softly, his voice deep and dripping with desire and I shivered at that.

"Yeah." I gasped, licking my lips as I tried to swallow, my mouth dry from having been breathing through my mouth.

"Are you alright?"

"Mhmm." I hummed, leaning into his lips as they continued gently exploring my face.

He kissed the tip of my nose, then pulled away. I whined at the loss, and he chuckled in the dark.

"We should stop."

I whined in protest at that, not really wanting to have to ignore my hard on yet again. I couldn't tell if he was in the same state I was since his blankets still covered his lower half of his body, but I wouldn't doubt that he was.

_God, how did he have such control?_

He chuckled at my reaction, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me to his chest in a gentle hug, affectionately running his fingers through my hair with one hand, and it eased some of the anxiety I had.   
I exhaled, removing my hand from his chest, wrapping my arms around his neck and nuzzling my nose against his, closing my eyes as I rested my forehead against his, taking a breath.

"How do you have such control..." I grumbled, and he laughed in the dark, gently kissing the apple of my cheek.

"Because, I've waited this long for you," he kissed the bridge of my nose. "I want to do this right, and when you're ready. Not because you want to take the edge off."

He tugged pointedly at the hem of my pants and I sucked in my breath sharply, biting my lip.

"But don't you want to take the edge off? Don't you want to continue?" I purred, nipping as his bottom lip when I found it, smirking when he gasped.

"What I want is irrelevant." he said breathlessly in the dark, and I frowned at him.

"Of course it is. I want you happy too." I kissed along his cheek.

"But not at the expense of your comfort level."

I stopped kissing him, pulling away slightly, wishing I could see him.   
I felt my heart tear two ways, warring with myself.   
A part of me was warmed at his concern, made me emotional, and I wanted to kiss him and tell him sappy things, maybe even one three word phrase in particular.   
But another half of me was scared, wanting to just call it off and go back to the familiarity of my room, just stick with women in skin mags and pornos and forget this even happened. That part of me didn't see what he saw in me, didn't understand his concern. It didn't think I was worthy of him, or anything he had to offer me; physically, or emotionally.   
I didn't know what to say to him, and I was trying to find my words and gather my thoughts.   
He seemed to understand, gently kissing me and I kissed him back automatically, his lips slowly becoming a familiar thing to me.

_I guess I could get used to that..._

"We should get some rest." he said softly, still gently kissing me.

I sighed, pulling away, leaning my head on his shoulder, blinking into the dark, Cas leaning his head against mine a beat later, gently rubbing my back with his fingers.

"I swear you're the only person who's sensibly talked me out of sex without openingly saying no."

He laughed softly, the sound filling the room like sunshine, and I found myself smiling at it.

"I should be upset at you."

"But you're not." he murmured, kissing the top of my head. "Besides, we have all the time in your lifespan."

"Because you _"can wait"_." I mimicked a poor impression of his voice, and I could just picture him rolling his eyes.

"I meant it Dean. Your comfort is the upmost importance to me."

"I know." I whispered softly, listening to his breaths in the dark.

"Did you want to go back to your room?" he asked, but I could hear a faint underlying hopefulness, and I realized he wanted me to stay.

I pondered it, growing weary in his arms. I didn't really want to get up, and what was the harm in sleeping with Cas in the true sense of the word?

"I'll stay." I said finally, a flutter of nervousness sparking through my stomach.

"Okay." he was quiet for a bit, as if not really believing what was happening. "You'll need to stand up so I can put the blankets back."

I nodded, which was dumb since he couldn't see, but I was tired, listening to the rustle of sheets being moved once I got off the bed. Then I felt a hand on mine, carefully guiding me back onto the bed.   
He had moved over so there was room for me, and I sighed when I laid down, the bed warm and was saturated with his scent, and I found myself inhaling it like it was the breath of life.

"You okay?" Cas asked once I got comfortable, his arm grazing slightly against mine.

"Yeah." I yawned, closing my eyes. "Night Cas."

"Goodnight Dean."

He fell silent, and I stared up into the blackness, listening to him breathe.   
I'd forgotten what it felt like to share a bed with someone, that warm, steady presence next to you.   
It was nice, calming.   
I felt his hand against the back of mine, skin hot and smooth.   
I debated on reaching out and holding it, intertwining my fingers with his, feeling his palm slot up against mine perfectly again like it had this afternoon.  
But I couldn't bring myself to, too nervous and scared to make a wrong move. Too chicken to even make one.  
So I just lay there, closing my eyes and feeling myself crash from the weariness, Cas a warm essence beside me, skin hot on mine. And for the first time in a long time, I felt content.  
I smiled to myself, before I fell asleep.


	17. Back in Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for 300 reads!! That makes me really excited, thanks for the support. :,)
> 
> (Srry I'm probably one of the most awkward people ever when it comes to thanking people.. Eek.)
> 
> Hope you all had a great Valentine's a couple days ago, and enjoy!

  
Seventeen

I rolled to my side, confused when I felt warmth, jerking back, my fight instinct triggering as my eyes flew open.  
I exhaled when I just saw Cas sleeping soundly next to me, having not been disturbed from my shock.  
I suddenly remembered last night, and my decision to stay with him for the night.  
I chuckled at the memory, rolling my eyes with a sigh at Cas' refusal to take things farther.

 _Such a prude_ , I scoffed internally.

Relaxing back into the bed, I laid on my side, the bunker's automatic lights having been slowly turning on.  
Sam and I found out after we started sleeping at the bunker, that the lights in the bedrooms turned on at daybreak, slowly growing brighter until they were fully on.  
I guess the Letters wanted to have some sort of way to wake the body naturally, since there wasn't a single window in the entire bunker for the sunlight to do that.  
I didn't mind that though, knowing with all the wardings and metal and iron that made up the bunker, there was no way anything was getting in. It was a nice assurance, although I still never fully felt like I could let my guard down, that was how you got yourself killed.  
Rubbing my eyes, I yawned, the lamp fully on now, allowing me to see every detail.  
Lowering my hands after I stretched, I roved my eyes over Cas, who was facing me as he slept on; chest rising and falling slowly.  
I noticed that Cas had long, dark lashes that lightly kissed his cheeks when he slept, his lips in a slight pout in his sleep, as if his dreams were serious, cosmic things to ponder over. His hair curled this way and that, and I'm sure our endeavors last night did it no favors, but I liked his hair wild. It was the only thing - aside from his usual backwards tie - about him that was unkept, chaotic, and didn't follow his usual stoic, deadpan composure. It shouldn't have worked, but it did wonders for him, and I found myself wanting to run my fingers through his hair.  
I reached out slowly, then pulled my hand back, warring with my desires.  
I finally gave in, very lightly running my fingers through his hair, his wavy hair curling around my fingers, as if welcoming me.  
He hummed softly in his sleep, shifting a bit before sleeping on.

 _Interesting_.

I ran my hand through his hair again, gently scratching his scalp, and he hummed again, louder this time, moving into my touch.  
He suddenly opened his eyes, squinting, still sleepy, blinking at me a few times, as if he wasn't sure I was really there, closing his eyes again.

"Mornin' princess," I teased, putting my hand down on the mattress.

"Good morning Dean. Did you sleep well?" He murmured, his eyes still closed.

"Yeah. How about you?"

 _Best I've slept in weeks actually though it could've been better if we fucked_.

"I slept well." He opened his eyes, smiling a bit bashfully at me, before his smile dropped and his eyes widened. "Dean, what happened to all your cuts?"

"What?" I looked down at myself, pulling up my shirtsleeve, all the bruises and cuts on my left arm gone, no scars there like how I expected there to be for some.

I checked my other arm, finding the same result, the black curving lines from the shot Nira gave me gone altogether.

"How's that possible?" Cas mused, gently examining my arm as he leaned on his elbow, shirtsleeve stretched around his bicep, enunciating its thick curve.

"Um.." I muttered, currently focused on the swell of his arm, licking my lip. "I don't know."

"We should tell Sam." Cas said, moving to get up, but I was suddenly overcome with a rush of lust and desire, too overwhelming to deny and I pushed him back down by his shoulder, kissing him roughly.

He gasped in surprise, returning the kiss, but without the same passion as I had, clearly confused.

Never breaking the kiss, I moved to straddle his hips, pressing myself against him and he hissed, breaking the kiss, but I just moved to kiss his neck.

"D-Dean..." he stuttered, panting, biting his lip. "W-we discussed this- l-last night."

"Hmm." I hummed, paying him no mind, easily finding his soft spot when I pulled the collar of his shirt down, the skin a lightly flushed purple.

He gasped when I bit his soft spot, his fingers tangling in my hair for a second, before pushing me away.

"Dean, no." He said, his tone gruff.

I ignored him, pulling his shirt lower, nipping a fresh hickey onto his tanned skin.

"Dean stop!" He shoved me back with force, frowning at me as I growled in protest. "Something isn't right."

"I'm fine." I rolled my eyes. "I just wanted to fuck, but if you don't then I'll just find someone else."

He flushed, his face crumbling before steeling.

"That's what I mean Dean. You're different."

"You made me different." I growled, leaning down to kiss him again, but he pushed me away.

"No, whatever Nira put in that needle did.." he said slowly, the look in his eye changing. "We need to tell Sam."

"Fuck Sam." I snarled, slapping Cas' arm away when he tried to stop me from kissing his neck.

"Don't make me do this Dean."

"Quit denying this." I nipped on his earlobe, and despite himself, Cas shuddered beneath me as I whispered into his ear. "I know you want me."

"Not like this."

"Then accept it."

I went about kissing and nipping his neck, intent on marking my claim.

"Dean... stop. I don't want to have to hurt you..."

"I don't think that's going to be a problem." I chuckled darkly, and Cas froze beneath me.

I was in the midst of reaching down to grab the hem of his shirt, when he spoke.

"Forgive me Dean..." His voice was choked, regretting.

I suddenly felt a sharp blow to the side of my face, causing everything to go black.

  
\-----------

  
I inhaled, furrowing my brow, slowly coming to my senses.

"He's waking up." I heard someone say.

 _Sam_.

"Dean? Are you with me?"

I opened my eyes, staring down at my lap, my head hanging forward.  
There was three sets of feet in my peripheral vision, the boots closest to me I recognized to be Sam's.

"Oh yeah, I'm with you." I looked up at Sam, Gerald to his right, Cas to his left.

I chuckled at the shock and horror that filled their faces, Cas stepping back a few feet, pain filling his eyes.

"What? I got something in my teeth?" I feigned embarrassment, ducking my head before laughing.

"Dean... your eyes... They're-"

"Black?" I chuckled, raising my head, smirking at Sam. "Guess you could say I'm back in black."

Gerald snickered behind Sam, who whirled around to glare at him.

"What? As bad as this is, that's funny." He defended himself, shrugging helplessly as I smirked at them.

Sam rolled his eyes, turning around, walking up to the table.

"Cas, could you and Gerald go outside."

"Sam-"

"Cas, please."

Cas frowned, looking between him and I, before sighing, walking out of the bunker dungeon with Gerald, closing the door behind them.

"Well, don't you treat my boyfriend nicely." I said, looking around the room.

I was in the center of the room in the devils trap, bound to a chair by thick rope.

It was pretty much a throwback to the first time I was a demon and Sam was trying to cure me.

Sam looked at me, furrowing his brow, but said nothing, pulling out a needle from a bag.

"Oh Sammy, don't you love reliving our greatest hits?" I grinned. "I think this was one of my favorites."

"Well, at least I know how to fix you this time." he said, filling the needle with his blood, walking over to me and putting it in my forearm, depositing its contents into me.

I stared at it, and once it was empty, I shrugged, clicking my tongue.

"Doesn't seem to be workin' Sammy." I feigned worry. "What will we do then?"

I laughed, Sam frowning.

"I will save you Dean." he said, putting the needle down and walking out of the room, closing the door behind him.

He left me alone for the next hour, and I didn't waste my time working on freeing myself, but Sam was no amateur to binding people, so I knew it would take me awhile.  
I took my time rubbing the rope on a sharp end of the metal chair I sat in, stopping the next two times Sam came in, giving me more doses of his blood, which did nothing for me except annoy me with the pricking of the needle and Sam's _woe is me_ expression.  
When he finally left after the fourth dose, I freed myself, rubbing my wrists, rolling my eyes. I'd had enough of that shit.  
I walked over the devils trap, opening the door a crack, and when I saw no one, I stepped out, closing the door behind me. Dashing down the back hallway that bypassed all the bedrooms, I snuck my way down to the garage. I made it in without a hitch, looking for the impala's keys on the key rack next to the door.

"Dean?"

I blinked, lifting my head and looking behind me.

Cas stood there, slowly putting Hotep down before straightening.

"Where are you going?"

"What's it to you?"

His face crumbled sightly, but he kept his composure.

"It matters since I admitted my affections for you," he stepped a bit closer, his eyes never leaving mine. "Since you've let me love you."

I scoffed.

"You don't love me."

He frowned, face crumbling in hurt.

"You were letting me in nonetheless."

I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

"Yeah. Right. _Letting_."

He was still frowning, a flash of pain shooting through his eyes, before he stopped, scrutinizing me, his eyes narrowing infinitesimally, before some sort of understanding dawned across his face.

"You don't think you deserve to be loved..."

He said it in such a way, with such conviction, confusion and sorrow, that I was reminded of what he said the day we met.

_"You don't think you deserve to be saved..."_

I laughed in scorn, shaking my head.

"You don't know the first thing about what I think I do or don't deserve."

"Do I?" He said simply, challenging me in that silent, passive aggressive snub that would always leave my head spinning.

I said nothing, trying to find my response, when it suddenly dawned on me.

_"What is so worth saving? I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion.-"_

He'd seen all my pain, my agony, my fears and guilt from day one.

He'd seen it all, he'd rebuilt my body from the inside out.

Of course he would know, he'd seen me in ways no else had, or ever would. He'd taken a walk down all my emotions, all my shortcomings, all my terrors, all my desires.

He didn't need his grace to see into me, because he already knew me, memorized each and every rise and fall in me, and yet, he loved me.

He believed I _was_ worth saving.

Wasn't that the biggest pile of shit ever.

"Dean, don't do this." He said softly, stepping forward, and I stared at him, unmoving. "You have to fight it."

I blinked, at odds with myself, a part of me wanting to cry and beg for him to hold me in his arms, to keep me safe, but another half, didn't give a damn. That half was convinced he was wrong about me, that he was the idiot here, and that I had been wasting my time.

"Dean," he was saying softly now, tentatively reaching his hand out, as if wanting to touch me, but unsure if he should, so he just let his hand hang in the air. "Please..."

He finally gently cupped the side of my face with his hand, his touch soft and warm. And I found myself leaning into it, closing my eyes.

"Come back inside." He said softly, gently rubbing my cheek with his thumb. "We can fix this."

_"-fix this."_

I bristled, pulling away from him with a growl.

"I'm not _broken_." I snarled. "There's _nothing_ wrong with me."

"Dean, that's not what I meant!" He said, his voice shrill with panic as he followed me to the impala, which I opened the drivers side door, the keys in the ignition.

"I don't _care_ what you meant!" I snapped. "I want _nothing_ to do with you, so let me go!"

I got in the car, not caring what his response or reaction to that was.  
I slammed the door shut behind me, starting the car.  
It wasn't until I was pulling out of the garage, did I look back.  
His face reflecting in my rear view mirror was pale, the face of a person who had just seen his world ripped apart but could do nothing but watch it burn.  
I redirected my gaze back forward, taking a breath and continuing on.

\------------

  
I drove a couple hours, stopping somewhere in Texas at some crappy bar, drinking some shots and scouting out the local wildlife.  
The women here looked like somewhat of a challenge - clearly well off and stuck up, but nonetheless beautiful, although some could fair better with less makeup.  
I took a sip of my beer, debating on who I should try and pick up.

Maybe that girl in the corner with the fire red hair and tattoos, she looked like fun.

Or, maybe, that one girl in the back with black hair, her blue eyes smiling as she laughed at something her blonde friend said. Maybe I could get lucky and get them both.

I chuckled to myself, suddenly curious to try that arrangement.

Me and two hot girls? I bet that memory would fuel my fantasies for month.

But as appealing as it sounded, the thought didn't excite me as much as it would've in the past. I just... wanted... less.  
I wasn't sure what exactly I wanted, but I was too hammered to really care to figure it out.

"I see you're enjoying the new setup Dean?"

I heard a giggle, and I turned to see Nira behind me, smiling.

I rolled my eyes, turning back straight.

"Did you put a tracking beacon in my ass or something?" I muttered, drinking my beer.

"No, though I don't think you'd protest the idea much if it wasn't a beacon." She chuckled, and I glared at her.

"I would take whatever the hell you have in mind and put it in your mouth so you'd shut up." I rolled my eyes.

"I don't think you'd want what I had in mind in my mouth."

I glowered at her.

"What do you want."

"I just wanted to see how you're doing Dean."

"Yeah, like you give a shit about me."

"I do! You're one of my creations, aren't you?" she twirled her hair around her finger.

"Last I checked, I didn't come out of you where the sun don't shine, and if I did, I'd shoot myself."

"Oh Dean." she feigned offense. "Don't be so melodramatic, besides, I could just bring you back."

"I hope you'd enjoy repeating the same task over and over again."

She rolled her eyes.

"I came here to make you an offer."

"I'm not buying what you're selling."

"It would bring Ben and Lisa back."

I froze, staring down at the bar counter, my beer sloshing around in the bottle.

"You're lying."

"You know I'm not Dean. I have connections, powerful ones. And if you do exactly what I say, I won't even ask for your soul. No ten year contract, no hell, no toiling over dying."

I said nothing, drinking my beer, lowering it before I swallowed.

"How do I know this isn't a trap."

"I'll give your precious brother and boy toy full immunity." She said, and I could see that she was looking over at me from the corner of my eye. "I'll also give you an invisibility spell, so they can't find you."

"Even if you aren't plotting to kill me," I played with the label on my beer. "What makes you think I'll even consider it?"

"As I've said, you could bring Ben and Lisa back." she shrugged. "Or not. You can keep letting them rot in the ground."

" _You_ put them there." I hissed.

"Yes, but now you can change that. Think about it. Meet me back here tomorrow night at six. I'll be eagerly awaiting your answer."

She smiled, waving her fingers, taking her leave.

I rolled my eyes, going back to drinking my beer.

_Yeah, right. Getting the love of my life and adopted son back._

"My answer is no." I called out after her, not caring that people turned to stare at me.

She turned around, ignoring all the people staring at her.

"What if I gave you... a preview?" she smiled coyly.

I bit the inside of my cheek, debating it.

_Ah, what the hell._

"Don't try anything stupid." I said, getting up and walking over to her.

"Of course not Dean, I'm not here to trick or deceive you." she ignored me when I scoffed, following her outside the bar. "We'll need a room... Ah, there."

She pointed to an old little shed behind the bar.

"Go wait in there. I need to grab a few things."

Then she disappeared.

I rolled my eyes, standing outside the shed, crossing my arms. The air was cold, and my only source of light was the streetlight outside the bar, music bleeding through its walls.

"I said wait inside."

I whirled around, Nira poking her head out of the shed, the door ajar.

"Like I'd trust you." I growled, stepping inside, watching Nira set up candles in a circle, drawing some sort of sigil in the middle.

"Well, maybe you'll change your mind now."

She closed her eyes, clasping her hands together.

"I summon the spirit of Lisa Braeden, I command you to appear before us." She sprinkled some herb in the center of the circle, the candles flaring. "Lisa I conjure and command you to this room."

Suddenly a chill swept through the tiny shed and my skin was crawling with goosebumps.

There was a sharp burst of wind, sending leaves and debris everywhere in the air, and I covered my face with my arm, closing my eyes.

"Dean?"

 _No_...

I blinked, lifting my head, and Lisa was standing before me.

The breath went out of my lungs.

" _Lisa_..." I choked.

"I'll be outside." Nira said softly, stepping outside, quietly closing the door.

I was frozen, staring at Lisa.  
She was just as beautiful as the last time I saw her, chocolate hair curling over her shoulder, brown eyes bright and beautiful.

"Lis... I'm so sorry... That fight... I didn't mean it, I didn't mean anything I said." I said in a rush, unable to hold back anything I was saying. "I got you and Ben killed and I'm sorry, it's all my fault and-"

"Dean," she said softly, and I went silent. "You know what I was trying to tell you that day we argued?"

I blinked, remembering that day, the slight tremble in her voice when she asked if she could tell me something.

"No, but I remember." I said softly.

"I was trying to tell you I was pregnant."

I blinked, jerking my head up to look at her.

"You- _what_?"

She smiled a little.

"Surprise."

"When did you know?!"

"Three nights before I- well... you know."

I blinked, not sure what to say.

"And... it was... _mine_?"

She laughed, a mix of amusement and aggravation.

"Of course it's yours Dean. What did you expect to happen after that night in California?"

I grinned, thinking back to that night, the heat, the passion, but then I frowned, a new wave of guilt flooding through me.

"So not only did I get you and Ben killed, I also got our-" I choked on the word. "- _child_ , killed too..?"

She said nothing, just looked down, and I swore.

"I'm going to fix this Lis, I'm going to fix everything." I stepped towards her, wishing I could hug her.

"How?" she said, looking up at me.

"By doing what I have to." I gazed at her, drinking in her beauty for a moment. "I will fix this."

"I love you Dean." she said softly, stepping over and hugging me, before fading away.

Sighing, I let myself feel the last of her presence, the last of her warmth.

Taking a breath, I steeled myself, turning around and pushing open the shed door, Nira turning to look at me.

"So?"

"I'm in."

 


	18. New Life

  
Eighteen

  
I was in.

I followed Nira all the way up to the uppermost part of Montana for the next couple days, driving to the middle of nowhere before an abandoned, decrepit asylum appeared before us.   
She didn't tell me everything that was going on, but she gave me one of the old nurse's cabins out back, leaving it up to me to furnish it. Once I was settled in, she told me what I needed to do.   
My first task was to weed through Nira's test subjects, pick out the weak from the strong. It was messy, and tumultuous, but she grew to trust my judgement over the weeks.   
The invisibility spell she promised me had done its job, Cas and Sam nowhere in sight.   
Nira never told me what exactly she was doing, and why she answered to Nero, but it wasn't my place, and I didn't ask.   
My job was to pick through their experiments, and clean up their messes, which was time consuming in itself.   
She never let me see the process the sons of bitches went through before they were handed down to me, but I had begun to notice two differences in the subjects.   
Half were like me - demons, fresh and strong, but most were stupid, killing everything in their wake and created nothing but trouble for me.   
The other half, were the opposite. They were calm, passive. Dumb, almost, constantly talking about bees and life and how they created it and healed it.   
The stragglers, were easy to weed out.   
They _were_ stupid, would sit and stare at a wall for hours if they could, and become violent with the snap of a finger, drooling a putrid goo.   
Those ones, Nira left up to me to take care of.

At first, I felt bad, and almost couldn't do it, wanting to figure out what was wrong with them and fix it. But when Nira insisted there was no cure and that I would be doing them a favor, I finally did what needed to be done.   
It became easier over the weeks, and eventually months, and now, I had no qualms disposing of the failures, although they had become fewer and fewer over the months, as did any slight guilts I had leaving my old life. I had a new life, I didn't have time to mourn of the last one.   
After that night, Nira never mentioned Ben and Lisa, merely saying that she needed time to fulfill her promise to me, that she didn't yet have everything.   
She told me that she had found a safe spell to resurrect the dead, that she needed time to gather the things for it and research it.   
I was apprehensive about it, but I would do anything to make things right, so I held my tongue, and did what I was asked.

Now, I was making my rounds with the demon group, which we kept separate from the hippie group in the asylum gym, when Nira found me.

"Dean, how are the subjects?" She asked, kissing my cheek as she bounded up to me.

Despite her complex relationship with Nero that I've noticed over the past months, even accidentally walked in on some vulgar moments, she always seemed to favor me, coming into my cabin in the dark of the night and staying till morning.   
At first, I rejected her advances, but I eventually gave up, enjoying the carnal desires we sated on each other, although, sometimes, during those nights when I knew she was with Nero, my mind would wander.   
Sometimes, I would think about my other life, the past.   
I would think of Sam, and, occasionally, Cas. I would wonder how they were, if they were still alive, and if they were still looking for me, although I didn't care all too much to really want to know.   
But I still wondered.

"Fine." I said now, looking over at Nira, crossing my arms. "No Wallflowers."

The failures we got rid of we called Wallflowers, since they did nothing but stare at the wall and drool, something they had been dubbed before I came along.

She nodded.

"Dean, come with me. We need to talk."

I nodded, waving over Damon, one of the demons, which was our oldest and calmest, and who had grown to be my second in command quickly.   
He nodded, understanding what I needed, and I turned back to Nira.

"What?"

"Someplace private."

I raised an eyebrow, but followed her, wondering if she was in one of those moods and couldn't wait until that night.   
I was only wearing a tank top and jeans since the heavy heat of August was wearing on all of us. She had said the other night that tank tops were her favorite thing I wore, and I had kept it in mind.   
I was getting excited when she took me in one of the rooms that was kept off limits to everyone but her and Nero, but to my disappointment, she showed no signs of doing anything fun like what I had in mind once the door was shut and locked behind us.

"I need to know who the strongest are from both groups." Nira crossed her arms, walking up to a table that had a large, leather bound notebook on it, diagrams and writings covering the paper it was open to.

"From the demon group, Damon is the strongest. The Hippie group, it would be Alice." I crossed my own arms, leaning in the doorway.

She nodded, writing something down on the paper.

"Which would you say is the strongest between them."

I pondered it.

"I really can't say. They both cancel each other out."

She nodded.

"Perfect. Bring them here."

I nodded, pushing myself off the wall and going back to the demon wing, the long hall where we kept them under lock and key.   
I unlocked the gym door, peeking my head in.

"Damon," I jerked my head for him to come over. "You're wanted."

He nodded, caramel skin flashing in the light as he put someone else in charge, walking out of the room with me.

Damon saying nothing, him and I walked to the other wing, and I unlocked the door to the arena, peeking in, calling Alice's name.

She was a short thing, but had spunk, her short green hair dancing with her every lithe step.

"Where are we going?" She asked, chipper as she walked out, walking with Damon and I after I locked the door back up.

"Nira wants to see you." I said simply, walking with them to the room.

"Why?" She asked, twirling a wilting flower in her hands, a blue glow emanating from her hand as she waved her palm over it and it turned bright yellow once again.

"You should know not to ask questions Alice."

She went quiet, and I opened the door to the room Nira was in, ushering them inside.

"These are your strongest?" Nira affirmed, walking up and examining Damon and Alice as they stood side by side.

"Yes." I confirmed, crossing my arms.

She nodded, Alice watching Nira's every move warily, while Damon was as still as a solider throughout her assessments.

"Thank you Dean. You may leave."

I nodded, although I was a bit curious of what she wanted with them.

I went about my day, breaking up a fight from the demon group, and calming a kid in the hippie group.

I was exhausted and tired from the summer heat when night fell down, and I waited for Nira to come to my cabin that night, but she never did.

The next day went relatively the same, and I didn't see Nira at all.

I didn't see her for the next three days, or Nero, which was odd, considering how much they liked to be in control of things. I also didn't see or hear about Alice and Damon again, and I was curious what she had wanted with them, and I wasn't the only one who was curious. For the next week, I heard both polar opposite groups musing about it amongst each other when they thought I wasn't paying attention, most landing on the theory that they were dead. I wondered if they were right.

It was almost two weeks later without seeing them, then Nira finally showed up inside my cabin one morning when I was getting dressed.

"Nira." I said in surprise, walking over to her as she stood in my bedroom doorway. "Where have you been?"

"Working." She said simply, and I knew she wasn't going to tell me anything more as she walked up to me. "I've missed you," she said, wrapping her arms around my neck when I said nothing.

"I've been waiting for you." I replied, putting my hands on her hips.

"I know." She frowned, brushing back her now onyx black hair over her shoulder, handing me a piece of paper. "I need you to get me some things today."

I took the paper, opening it and reading it.

"Herbs?" I asked, continuing to read. "What are you summoning?" I asked when I recognized a few key things used in summoning rituals.

"I can't tell you yet." She kissed my cheek. "Just need to tie up a few things. But I'll tell you later."

I nodded.

"I'll leave now."

She smiled.

"Great. Hurry back." She kissed me, smiling as she pulled away, humming as she left my cabin.

  
\-------------

  
It was about an hour later when I made it to the obscure little herb shop in the outskirts of the city, parking the cherry red Mustang Nira had given me to replace the impala to help me keep my cover.

Getting out, I walked up the walk and inside the tiny store, picking up the herbs that were on Nira's list, getting the exact measurements she needed. The shop was tiny, jam packed with eccentric crap everywhere, a bored looking woman with thick blonde dreadlocks behind the counter reading a book. I had just found the last thing I needed, when I heard someone call my name.

"Dean?"

I blinked, distantly recognizing the voice.

I turned around, surprised to see Cas behind me.

"Cas?" I said, not really sure I was seeing him. "What are you doing here?"

"That is not of import."

His eyes roved over me, like he didn't recognize me, and I suddenly realized it had been over a year since we'd last seen each other.

Who knew how much I had changed, although Cas looked pretty much the same. Same dark hair, same sky-under-the-water blue eyes, though better fitting clothes than the last time I saw him.

"Where have you been?" Cas prodded, seemingly rooted in place as he stared at me, a million emotions racing through his eyes.

"Does it matter." I muttered, grabbing the last thing I needed, walking over to the register to pay, Cas following me.

"It does Dean. I haven't seen you in so long..." His voice cracked, and I looked at him over my shoulder, then back at the cashier lady, her long blonde dreadlocks swishing over her shoulder, ringing up my things with a bored, petulant expression, as if I was interrupting her reading time.

"Yeah, well." I grabbed the bag once I paid, turning around, pulling my keys out of the pocket. "I'm alive."

I didn't wait for his response, walking outside, Cas not following me. I unlocked the drivers side door to my car when Cas spoke behind me, causing me to jump.

"Where are you going?"

"None of your business." I said coolly, getting in my car.

"Dean, you don't have to go back. You can leave it. Please..." He whispered, and suddenly, his hand was on mine over the steering wheel, and I suddenly remembered our second kiss, that day so long ago.

_My right hand was cupping his cheek, and he was gazing into my eyes like they were the most beautiful thing they had ever beheld. His hand fell on top of mine, fingers falling in-between mine perfectly, like puzzle pieces interlocking._

It felt like time had reversed itself, Cas' fingers falling in-between mine just as perfectly as they did then. His hand was warm and soft, and I suddenly felt as if a weight had been lifted off of me, that some part of me that I didn't even realize was missing, was home now.

_I'm home._

I blinked, coming back to the present.

No. He _was_ home. Back then, back in my other life. My old life.

Not now.

"Fuck off." I rolled my eyes, swatting his hand off of mine.

He stepped back, and I avoided his eyes, slamming the car door. Starting my car, I backed out and drove off down the road, quick to leave him behind me.

And unlike the last time I left him, I didn't look back.

  
\----------------

  
"You got them all!"

Nira beamed, kissing me, taking the bag, and turning around to the assortment of bowls and vials she had prepared while I was gone.

Stepping back, I leaned against the wall, watching her open the bags of herbs and measure in silence for awhile.

"I saw Cas." I said finally, observing her as she started putting one of the roots into a bowl.

She froze for a second, before continuing to pull out the sage she had asked for.

"The ex-angel?"

"Yeah."

"Did he see you?"

"Yeah." I said, scratching my shoulder. "He tried convincing me to leave."

"And?"

"I'm here aren't I? I'm loyal to you now."

She looked at me, smiling.

"I'm glad." She leaned over to kiss me, then pulled away, continuing about her work.

"So," I said after a bit of silence, watching her every move. "What are we summoning? An old ex boyfriend you still have the hots for?"

She laughed, pouring the ground up herbs in a bottle.

"No Deano, though I wouldn't mind being his girlfriend." She chuckled, cleaning out the bowl.

"I'm hurt."

She feigned a frown, looking over at me.

"As much as I love you Deano, you just can't compare to him."

"Well," I crossed my arms. "Don't you know how to flatter a girl."

She scoffed.

"Oh shut up Dean." She looked over at me when I growled at that. "Go back to your cabin. I'll make it up to you."

She winked, and I shook my head, stepping over to her and kissing her neck.

"You have quite a few nights to make up for." I whispered, and she shivered.

"I guess you'd better hurry up and get ready for me." She smirked at me, a devilish gleam in her eyes and I chuckled.

"I'll be waiting." I muttered into her neck, pulling away and leaving.

The night was hot and balmy when I walked outside the cold, eerie asylum, but there was a hint of fall coolness in the wind, September winding to a close now.

Opening the screen door to my cabin, I left the lights off in my cabin since I could see perfectly in the dark, ridding myself of my tank top and jeans on the way to my bedroom.

Suddenly, I thought of Cas waiting for me in my bed. _Cas_ bare and naked, just ready to get his hands on me. His lithe, subtly muscular body pressing against mine, hot breaths against my skin as he gasped and moaned.

I shuddered at the thought, not knowing where it had come from because until I saw him today, I hadn't thought about Cas in months. I had even stopped thinking about Sam. I just no longer cared or wanted to think about them.

 _But Cas_... the thought of him waiting for me sent my skin to flames, making my already hot room that much hotter as I stared at my empty bed, the bedsheets that I never fixed mussed and awry, like Cas _had_ been there and was just off on the other room grabbing something.

And _god_ , the gasps and whines he had made when I kissed him... Or when I had bitten along his neck...

I could feel my body reacting to the memories, my skin hot, my body beginning to race with desire.

"Hmm." Nira suddenly hummed from behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. "So you have missed me."

I slowly turned to look at her, her head resting on my bicep.

She was beautiful in the milky rays the moon made through the windows, her skin seemingly glowing in the faint light, her curves enhanced.   
She was clad in a tank top and panties, her smooth skin almost ethereal, her blue eyes shimmering as she stared up at me.

God, she was so hot.

"Of course I have." I said, as I leaned down to mouth at her neck, her fingers tangling in my hair.

"I'm flattered." She breathed, pushing at me slightly towards my bed.

"You should be." I chuckled, running my hands down her sides, slipping my hands under her tank top.

"Are you just going to tease me?" she demanded, pushing me towards the bed again, but I just tugged her tight against me, keeping her from moving as I bit her neck.

"I want to know something." I murmured, smirking when she tensed. "You're scared."

"No." She said quickly, harshly. "Ask me."

"Who are we summoning?"

"We?" she laughed, breaking off when I roughly kissed her, shutting her up, breaking away when I knew she needed air, which I knew she needed sooner since she wasn't a demon like me.

"I'm a part of this." I reminded her, running my hands over her skin. "I clean up your messes, I get your supplies, I don't say anything when I catch you and Nero fucking." I bit her earlobe and she gasped.

"Dean-"

"Shut up." I hissed into her ear, and she did, her hands flat against my chest. "I do everything you ask without question, and I let you in my cabin whenever you want to fuck around."

"I'm not desperate!" She snapped. "I don't need you! I'll never come back."

"Your absence won't work any hardship on me." I smirked against her cheek. "There have been plenty of other women that have wanted me."

She hissed, shoving me back hard, her eyes flashing with anger in the dark.

"Fine. Then why don't you fuck them?"

"Because, you need me and we both know it." I smirked.

A wicked gleam rose in her eyes, and I was curious of her next response.

"Don't act so high and mighty Winchester, you'd be nothing without me."

"Really?" I laughed scornfully. "Last I checked, I do everything for you."

She glowered at me, crossing her arms.

"Fuck you Dean."

"Oh, you _want_ to."

She rolled her eyes.

"You want to know that bad?"

"No, I'm asking what the weather is going to be like tomorrow."

She sighed, aggravated, before a devious gleam filled her eye.

"You're going to have to make me want to tell you."

"You seem sure I won't be able to." I chuckled, taking a step towards her.

She shrugged, crossing her arms.

"You seem to like me taking over half the time, so," she shrugged. "I'm not worried."

"Really?" I pushed her back, shoving her up against the wall, pinning her arms up above her head, shoving my leg between her thigh, chuckling darkly when she gasped, struggling to get away from me. "Are you sure about that?"

She squirmed a bit, trying to get the upper hand back, scowling at me.

"You're an asshole."

"I am a demon." I blinked, grinning, showing her my black eyes. "You should expect nothing less."

She glared at me, gasping when I bit her soft spot, playing with the skin between my teeth.   
Keeping my other hand on her wrists to keep her pinned in place, I ran my other hand over her skin lightly, light enough to annoy her and make her want to beg.   
I knew all her weaknesses now after all these months, all her desires and places to use against her, but, the one thing she hated more than anything, was extended foreplay.   
Sure, she enjoyed her share of kissing and touching and teasing, but she liked diving into things fairly quickly, and I had never denied it to her.   
Until now.   
She was panting now, writhing against my grip, hissing each time she rubbed herself against my thigh, but I kept her mostly elevated off of the ground so she couldn't get herself any relief.

"Y-you're a dick..." She gasped as I attacked every bit of her skin I could reach with my mouth, nipping and licking.

"Just tell me what I want to know and you could have it."

She sighed in exasperation, but was steadfast, gritting her teeth, crying out when I moved my thigh slightly, and I chuckled.

"Come on, just tell me and I'll stop." I smirked, pressing my thigh hard up against the apex of her thighs, chuckling darkly when it was clear how much she wanted me.

She moaned softly at that, crying out in annoyance when I moved my thigh away.

"Okay, okay," she whined, her head leaned against the wall as I bit her neck. "R-remember the promise I made to you a year ago?"

I paused, squeezing her wrists unconsciously and she gasped in pain and surprise.

"You said you'd bring Ben and Lisa back."

"I-I've been meaning to tell you-" she broke off, moaning when I bit her soft spot again.

"Tell me what." I prodded, moving down to her collarbone.

"That the time has come."

Her hair fell against my face as she looked down.

"You're going to see them again, Ben and Lisa."

I leaned back, looking at her.

"When?"

"Very soon." She smiled gently, looking into my eyes.

"How are you bringing them back?" I found myself asking.

"All in good time Dean."

"Tell me now." I snapped.

"I can't!" She exclaimed when I squeezed her wrists again. "It's too risky telling you."

"So you don't trust me?" I prodded, releasing my grip slightly.

"I do, but the less people who know, the better. Not even Nero knows."

I blinked, shaking my head.

"You're lying."

"No Dean," she cupped my face gently, since I had released her hands and moved my thigh. "This is your destiny."

She leaned forward and kissed me, and in a daze, I kissed her back.

_I was going to see Ben and Lisa again..._

I wasn't sure how to feel about it, but as our kiss heated up and we were left wildly groping and fondling each other, desperate after the absence, all that mattered now was sating our desires.

I carried Nira over to the bed, and we continued where we left off long into the night, finally crashing a bit before dawn in each others arms.

And I knew then when I woke up, what my destiny was.

_I was going to do whatever it took to get them back._


	19. Rebirth

 

  
Nineteen

  
I was woken up the next morning by Nira gathering her clothes and dressing, her messy dyed jet black hair dancing this way and that with her movements.

"You can't stay in bed?" I whined, turning on my side to admire her.

"Got a big day today." She said, pulling on her shirt. "The fall equinox is one day only."

"We're resurrecting Ben and Lisa today?" I asked, sitting up.

"Tonight." she said, pulling on her jeans, which she pulled out of my dresser.

Nira had ended up coming to my cabin so frequently over the last year, she ended up just leaving some changes of clothes in my room, and I'd given her a drawer of her own to keep things in.   
And I had to say, one of the best things about the morning after, was looking at her body and seeing all the marks I'd left. Always in places no one would see, but I knew they were there.

"Tonight?" I said now, frowning when she finished dressing.

"Yes. It'll have the most power from the day." She smiled at me. "I'm so excited for you."

"What makes you think it'll work?"

She laughed, like it was the most absurd idea in the world.

"I'm a witch, the most powerful one there is. Resurrection is no issue."

"Sure..." I said, unconvinced, getting out of bed.

"Trust me." she walked over to me, kissing me. "Don't bother checking on the groups, I'll have Nero do that. You and I have work to do. Get dressed, and meet me in my office."

She blew me a kiss, before walking out of the room.

I chuckled, shaking my head, walking to my bathroom.

After a quick shower, I brushed my teeth and dressed, heating up and eating a burger as a quick breakfast. About an hour later, I was walking across the lawn to the main building, eating the last of my burger.   
It felt nice not having to worry about the groups as I walked inside, grinning to myself as I bypassed the rooms.   
I hoped they were giving Nero one hell of a time. Served him right since all he seemed to do was sit on his ass and do nothing.

Finding the door to the office, I twisted the doorknob, opening the door when I found it unlocked.   
I stepped inside, the room with the long table bare and lonely.

"Nira?" I called out, walking towards the open doorway at the end of the room.

"Dean?" she called back, stepping out of the doorway and into the room. "Oh good, you're here. You can just follow me for now."

I nodded, following her when she turned around and went back into the room.

The room connected to the table room was a study, the walls lined with old, dirty withering books, and it branched off into yet another room, but Nira paid that no mind.   
She walked straight up to one of the bookshelves, tugging on a red book and a click resounded through the room.   
One of the bookshelves was actually a secret door, and it swung open quietly, revealing a dark hallway.

"Keep your voice low." Nira said softly, looking over at me. "We don't want to disturb them."

"Who?" I whispered, but she said nothing and started walking down the tunnel.

I followed her, jumping slightly when the door closed behind us, clicking softly as it locked.   
The hallway was long and narrow, barely wide enough for the two of us to walk side by side. As we walked farther down the tunnel, it curved, and began gradually getting brighter. We rounded a corner then we were spit out into a huge room, shelves lining the walls with vials and jars full of god knows what, but I had a strong feeling I didn't want to know.   
In the center of the room, were three chairs, Damon to the left of the empty chair, Alice to the right.   
They were unconscious, IV's and cords connections them, reddish-black and bluish-red blood flowing between them.

"What's going on?" I whispered, a bit wary of what I was witnessing.

"All in due time." she said, walking over to a table littered in herbs, vials and a large bowl. "Now, we have work to do."

For the next hour, we cleansed the room with sage, and cleaned the room of debris. Once we finished that, Nira instructed me to draw a large pentagram on the floor in this red paste she made, strictly emphasizing that I not touch it.   
Carefully painting it on the floor with a large paintbrush, she was in and out for the next hour, doing who the hell knows.   
It wasn't until I finished and left to eat, did I see where she was going.   
She was talking with Nero, the two of them in heated conversations, over what, I couldn't hear.   
I didn't care enough to find out, and after I ate, I walked back to the secret room.   
Nira was there, adding a few more symbols in the pentagram and around, all of which, I had never seen.

"How are things coming?" I asked, crossing my arms and leaning in the doorway.

"Perfectly." she beamed, finishing the last stroke in a symbol before standing. "Only one last thing to do."

"What's that?"

She looked at me, a gleam rising in her eyes that sent me on edge.

"Begin the ritual."

I raised an eyebrow.

"How?"

"I'm glad you asked."

She put the bowl of herb paint down, then walked over to the third empty chair in the middle of Damon and Alice, both of which, hadn't woken all day.

"Why don't we get started?"

"What are you going to do..?" I asked warily, stepping over to her.

"First," she gestured to the empty chair. "I need to prep you."

"I hope this doesn't require me loosing some clothing articles."

She rolled her eyes.

"As much as you'd love that, no."

"I wouldn't like that at all." I snapped, getting on the chair, laying back.

"Oh shut up Dean." she huffed, binding my wrists and ankles to the chair in one, fluid motion with a flick of her wrist.

"What the hell?" I gasped, tugging at the bonds, panic starting to rush through me.

"Dean, baby, it's okay." She put her hand on my chest, gently pushing me back down. "Breathe."

"I don't even know what the hell is going on." I growled, staring up at the ceiling.

"As I said, I'm preparing you." she said easily, ignoring my gasp of pain as she put a needle in my left arm, doing the same on my right arm, taping them in place. "Now, we just have to let things take their course."

I stared at her, petulant and unconvinced, worry starting to flood through me, a feeling I hadn't felt in months.

She frowned, cupping my face.

"Dean, this is your _destiny_. You should be excited."

"How are you so sure?" I demanded, leaning away from her hand.

She sighed, dropping her hand.

"Because, I've always known you were special."

I rolled my eyes, looking away.

"I mean it Dean! You'll get Ben, Lisa and your child back."

I blinked, my chest aching at their names.

I hadn't thought about them in so long, not allowed myself to.

_Oh Lisa..._

The thought of being with her again, holding her in my arms, fixing things to the way they should've been, fueled me.

I had to do it, I owed it to her, Ben, and my child.

_It was my destiny._

I took a breath, steeling myself.

"Let's do this." I said, settling back in the chair.

Nira smiled a little, walking over to the table and grabbing some of the herbs, before returning.

"Let's."

  
\-----------

  
After Nira drew some symbols on me, she said she had to check on some things, then left me alone.

That was hours ago.

I think.

I couldn't tell anymore.

For awhile, I didn't really feel anything, until finally I did.

I could slowly start to hear my own heartbeat over Damon and Alice's rhythmic breaths, who both of which, still hadn't awoken at all.

Then once all I could hear was my own heartbeats, I began to hear the blood rushing through my veins, and later after that, objects around the room began twisting and concaving in on themselves.   
They swirled and twisted, even the colors becoming distorted.

I absently wondered if Nira had put some kind of hallucinogen in whatever she was putting inside me, because nothing was behaving as it normally should.

I looked over at my left arm, the dark red, almost black liquid swirling and churning in on itself, like it was trying to fight itself.

Looking to my right, the liquid was a bluish-red, and it was much different.

It was _dancing_ , in harmony with itself, and it was fascinating to watch.

I had just seen a flower form in the blue-red blood, when a loud crash made the room shudder.

I blinked, lazily looking around, laughing when a figure rushed through the doorway, white fabric swirling this way and that.

"I'm too close to let you fuck this up..." Someone muttered, putting something over my mouth, and I gasped in surprise, trying to move away from the restraining, sticky thing over my mouth.

_Who was that even talking?_

I tried to speak, the thing blocking my mouth prohibited me from doing so, and I writhed, suddenly not sure what was going on and I didn't like it.

I heard whoever was next to me utter latin, and I felt a forced calm fall over me, pinning me to the table and any limited control I had over my limbs was gone.

I wanted to ask what was happening, and a part of me was scared, but as the person kept on talking in a rapid, hurried frenzy, I began to relax, finding it oddly comforting.

The voice stopped when a second loud bang rang through the air, seemingly shaking the very room.

_What was happening?_

Then the voice continued, speaking faster than before, a poof of a red smoke blurring my vision.   
Suddenly, the room temperature dropped about thirty degrees with a snap of a finger, and I abruptly felt like I wasn't alone.

"Dean." the voice said, grabbing my forearm tightly, harshly. "Say _yes_."

Then the sticky stuff was ripped from my mouth, and I cried out in pain, my skin burning.

_Could you wax your skin with that stuff?_

"Dean! _Focus_!" The voice screamed, shaking my shoulder.

"W-why?" I asked, wishing I could rub my stinging jaw.

I couldn't understand why I couldn't.

"It's your destiny! Say yes _now_!"

"Dean! _Don't_!"

I blinked, trying to regain my vision, the colors swirling and pulsing, making it hard to make things out.   
I lifted my head, a swirling of tan entering the room, clashing and mixing and blending with white in a violent, harsh collision.   
I wasn't sure if what I heard was my heart beating, or skin hitting skin. I couldn't tell what was going on at all, but I heard a soft voice in my ear.

" _Dean_..."

I blinked, leaning towards it.

" _I can bring back Ben and Lisa. You want that, right?"_

I nodded, exhaling.

" _I can do that and more for you. I just need one tinsy tiny favor. I just need you to say a little word that starts with Y and ends in S._ "

I furrowed my brow, not understanding, mulling it over in my head.

" _What happened, did you finally loose your marbles? You know, I had fun making your brother loose his."_

The voice chuckled, and I distantly wondered why the voice was familiar.

_But I had a brother..?_

Then I heard a scream, the room suddenly getting unbearably hot, the presence being yanked away from me.

"What have you _done?!"_ the voice shrieked, panic stricken and shrill.

"I've just prevented you from doing an extremely foolish thing."

I heard a shriek, then a hard smack.

Silence.

"Dean?" a voice said, and I winced as I felt tiny pricks in my arms as something was pulled out of me. "Dean, can you hear me?"

I turned my head towards the voice, blue spinning in my vision like an insane kaleidoscope.

"Dean?" my cheek was tentatively, but gently touched by a hand, and I leaned away from it, not recognizing the tenderness as I vaguely realized my bonds were gone.

"W-what do I have to say?" I asked softly, bewildered.

There was a sigh of relief.

"You're safe now."

"Where's Ben and Lisa?" I demanded, getting angry. "I was _promised_ they'd be back! That they'd be here!"

"They can't come back." the voice said gently, the hand that was on my cheek now on my arm.

I wrenched it away, swaying as I tried to maintain my equilibrium in a mass of living colors.

"I was _promised_!" I snapped, wrenching my arm away when the hand reached back for it.

"You were lied to Dean. You have to let it go."

"How can I let it go when I'm the reason they're _dead!"_ I screamed, suddenly bursting into tears, unable to handle anything anymore. "I'm the reason they were gutted like fish on the floor, I'm the reason Ben will never have a life, family, kids... I'm the reason why Lisa never got to tell me she was pregnant..." I broke off, my lungs struggling to get breaths in.

"No, Dean, no." Arms gently wrapped around me, and I let them, turning and sobbing into the warm shoulder, breathing in wet wood and honey. "It's not your fault."

"How is it not..." I miffed into the wide shoulder, the tears coming harder and faster. "Everything I touch dies, I'm toxic. I'm the one who should be dead."

I inhaled, my body shaking from the effort.

"I might as well have killed everyone I've ever loved myself... I don't deserve to be here..."

"Don't say that Dean, you couldn't be more wrong." A hand gently ran through my hair, and despite myself, it comforted me slightly.

"Shut up." I said bitterly. "Odds are, I've probably hurt you too. I hurt everyone..."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because," I scrambled for words, my vision swimming like runny paint. "I could've saved so many lives if I had just stayed out of them, or didn't exist... Lisa and Ben would be alive. If I hadn't gone back to her, Lisa and I wouldn't have gotten into that fight. I never would've left the house angry, telling myself I'd be perfectly happy never seeing her again. I never would've opened her and Ben up like that, if I had never came back."

"Why did you go back?" the voice asked me, steady and calm.

I paused, thinking.

"Because Lisa remembered me..." I said slowly. "She had stumbled over old pictures of me and everything Cas had erased came back to her. She called me, because she wanted to see how I was doing, ask why I did it. I... I told her I'd see her in person... explain everything..." I broke off, remembering her sweet smile, barely looking a day older than when I last saw her.

"Is it your fault she called?" the voice asked me, gently, but challenging.

"N-no..." I whispered.

"Is it your fault that you both needed closure?"

"No..."

"Is it your fault that you both were still in love with each other and still wanted each other?"

I blinked, pushing my face harder onto the stranger's shoulder, a puddle of tan a dirty cream from my tears.

"No.."

"Then why do you blame yourself?"

I opened my mouth to reply, then shut it.

_Why did I?_

"I could've saved them..."

"Could you?"

The voice was gentle, understanding, but challenging, and again, I was left at a loss.

I remembered that day, the phone call.

"Lisa and I... we had a bad fight a few nights before..." I whispered, the words tentatively leaving my mouth, but as I kept going, I couldn't stop them. "I told her I didn't want to see her again... and she said fine. Told me to go to hell. So I packed up, and I left. It was barely a day later, when I got a phone call from her as I was crossing the Kentucky state line. She... she was screaming, begging for me to come back, that someone was in the house... Then I heard Ben scream..." I choked on the words, my fingers clenching around the cloth that made up the strangers trench coat, my vision slowly becoming clearer and clearer as I spilled forth the burden I'd kept so close to my heart for over the last year. "I told her I was coming back... driving like a maniac.. nearly got in a wreck too, but I didn't care. All I cared about was getting to Lisa and Ben... and hoping I got there in time.."

I blinked away tears, shuddering as I gasped for air.

"That last phone call haunted me the entire way there, but despite how quickly I made it back... I was too late.." I bit my lip, my face hot. "There was so much blood... It was everywhere. They were barely recognizable." I vaguely realized the agonized animalistic sound I heard was me, but I didn't care. "They were in pieces, littered everywhere like trash.."

My voice broke, and I squeezed my eyes shut, reliving the memory.

"I don't know how long I was on the floor, sitting in their blood as I cried, but by the time I set that house on fire, it was dark." I swallowed thickly, trying to breathe. "My clothes weren't the same color I walked in with, they were so red.."

I distantly heard a heavy breath, like someone was crying with me, but I was too lost in my own grief to care to see if I was hallucinating still.

"I just wish I had never left.." I choked out, finally saying what I didn't realize I'd wanted all along. "I just want to tell her and Ben I'm sorry..."

I took a breath, suddenly reeling.

I had forgotten what it was like after you'd unveiled your grief, let it free.   
You became so used to its anchor, the weight it held you down with, that you began to forget what it was like without it. And thinking of letting it all go was scary as hell, but once you did, and the weight was gone, you resurfaced out of the dark depths you had been drowning in.   
I had forgotten what it was like to breathe, to not have its weight with me anymore, its luggage.   
It was damn scary, but one of the most liberating feelings in the world.

"They understand," the voice said now, cupping the back of my head, holding me against their firm body tightly, as if they were trying to squeeze me back together. "Lisa understood. Why do you think she called you? She had already forgiven you Dean, and she knew you had as well when you answered the phone. You didn't have to answer it, but you did, because deep in your heart, you had already forgiven her. She knew Dean, she didn't perish not knowing that."

I broke into a fresh frenzy of tears, holding tightly onto the warm stranger my mind still couldn't find a name for, letting them hold me as I cried into their shoulder as they gently rubbed my back tenderly.  
The gentle stranger whispered calming things into my hair when he would lean his head on top of mine, his arms never letting me go as I cried.

I let myself fall into him.

_I let myself let go._


	20. Healing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick thing, Don't Deserve You by Plumb is a good soundtrack for this chapter if you'd like to look that up. cx

  
Twenty

I groaned, rolling slowly onto my back, covering my face with my hand, my head pounding.

"Dean?"

I blinked, lifting my hand up, but it was a futile effort because my eyes weren't adjusted to the dim light yet.

"Who's there?" I said, tensing for a fight.

"Dean, it's me."

I squinted my eyes, my vision slowly coming back to me. My only source of light was a nightlight put into the outlet in the room, and I just was able to make out Cas sitting in a chair next to the bed.

_Son of a bitch.._

I was in my bed, back in my room back in the bunker.   
_And Cas was here..._

"Cas?" I asked, the pounding in my head slowly lessening as I relaxed.

"I'm here Dean." I watched him get up, pulling his chair closer to me, his knees now pressing against the edge of my bed. "How are you?"

"I'm okay." I rubbed my forehead. "What happened?"

"We killed Nero, captured Nira, and prevented her from resurrecting Lucifer. Do you remember anything?"

I blinked.

"Wait, back up. Resurrecting _Lucifer_?"

He nodded.

"She was trying to use you to achieve it."

"But... what about the guy and girl on both sides of me?"

"She won't tell us why they were there, or what she had done to the others."

"What happened to the others?" I groaned, rubbing my face, my head pulsing harder.

"We couldn't get to you without going through them." he said softly, sadly. "There was nothing to be done."

I nodded, thinking back to some of those kids, guilt flooding through me knowing I had helped Nira.

"Dean? Are you okay?" Cas asked, worry clouding his voice.

"I feel like shit because I know I helped her..." I closed my eyes, rubbing my face with my hand as I felt my face contort in pain.

"You were part demon Dean."

I was about to retort, when I moved my hand, looking up at him, though I couldn't really see his face.

"Wait- _part_?"

"It is the only thing Nira has told us," Cas leaned back in his chair. "She said she merely tapped into your emotions and you did the rest. It explains why you were able to walk over the devils trap in the dungeon and why Sam's blood wasn't working."

I took a breath, struggling to remember that day a year ago, but everything was hazy.

"So are you saying.. my emotions made me a demon?"

"What is that old phrase you humans say, _"dealing with your demons"?_ She just made it literal."

I swore, not liking what I was hearing.

"That morning after Nira gave you that shot," Cas said after a beat of silence, his voice soft, laced with an old pain as he remembered. "Something I did made you snap... Also, there's your pain over Lisa and Ben that tormented you as well."

I listened, suddenly noticing his slight voice crack when he said that he had made me snap.

 _He feels responsible_... I suddenly realized.

"Cas, it wasn't your fault." I said, wishing the light was brighter so I could see his face better.

Cas looked over at me, and although I couldn't clearly see his features, he turned to me in such a way, I knew he didn't believe me.

"How do you feel about Ben and Lisa, Dean?"

I rolled my eyes.

"Cas-"

"Dean. Please." He said softly, causing me to take a breath.

"Castiel, you son of a bitch, it _wasn't_ your fault."

A silence fell over the room, and I lay there waiting for him to say something.   
Then I heard a long, slow shaky inhale, the kind you heard when someone was trying not to cry.

"Cas?" I said, my blood running cold, wincing as I pushed myself up to sit.

He said nothing, his breathing a bit harsh in the semi-darkness.

"I've failed you." He finally whispered.

"What?"

He slowly looked at me, and although I couldn't see his eyes, a chill ran up my spine, his voice eerily level and calm.

"Do you remember, Dean... when I told you that I would find a way... a way to redeem myself to you?"

I furrowed my brow, confused.

Damn, that had been years ago.

That had been right after Cas' ill-fated spin of godhood.   
He had said that right after he had spit almost everything back into purgatory, his eyes wide and repenting, wishing and willing he could've gone back in time and listened to me. That was right before he'd been taken over and killed by the leviathans. Then, the months of amnesia, taking on Sam's illness, Sam's memories from hell; then months of insanity, then that year in purgatory, then months of brainwashing and mental violation, not to mention everything that happened after that.

Cas continued.

"I-I swore that I would find a way to redeem myself to you..." He took a breath. "But instead... I just made things worse and worse. I did not redeem myself. I thought I could atone for my sins in purgatory, or perhaps die there... but then I was pulled back here."

He sighed, long and slow, his head tilted downwards.

"Dean, I know I can never atone for my sins. Never. Everything I was, everything, my entire existence, everything I believed I was... Good... an angel of The Lord. A good solider, doing what was good and right. Dean, I've always tried doing the right thing... always, that's what I believed I was, and now it's gone. What I once was... it's ruined. I cannot convey to you what I mean, because there are no words. I've destroyed everything, all because I thought I was doing the right thing. I can't ever undo that; I can't ever fix it."

He paused, a quiet, eerie silence overcoming him and I didn't like it, though I couldn't say anything.

"And when I was brought back from purgatory, I believed it was my chance to fix things, to make everything right. I thought that, maybe, I could do one thing right. And yet, what did I do?"

He lifted his head back up, his voice dull and dead.

"I tried to kill you..." he whispered. "I beat you, I shattered your arm. I felt it break. I heard you scream.." he broke off, as if he was being forced back in time, his voice choked. "I heard you begging me to stop... you begged me to stop before I took the souls from purgatory, you begged me to look out for myself when the angels fell..."

He opened his eyes again, looking back at me.

" _You_ have been the one that has redeemed yourself to me time and time again, and each time I try to make amends for what I've done... I just make it worse..." He was still deathly calm, and all I could do was stare at him with my mouth open like a gaping fish. "I wanted to help by saying yes to Lucifer... but I just made things worse... I always make things worse..."

I wanted to stop him right there, my stomach twisted and knotted, but he kept going.

"And after what happened to you with Ben and Lisa... I-I just wanted to help... You have been through so much... and you had finally found something that made you happy, only to have it taken from you..."

I took a breath, covering my face with my hands, trying to keep myself together.

"A-and... that night... when we kissed... I-I saw that it brought you pleasure, so I did research to find ways I could make you happy... I thought at first maybe the pleasure I was giving you could make up for the pain... but I see now it doesn't work like that." he paused. "It's not a positive that erases a negative. I can't ever erase or fix what I've done to you or what's happened to you. The damage will always be there, as will the breach of trust..." his voice cracked, his face twisting in pain, but he continued. "I can't ever repair that Dean, I know that now. But I still wanted to do something for you, tell you things you wanted to hear. I know you didn't really care at all... I-I know you were ashamed that you just liked using me, and that's why you didn't want to tell Sam."

I choked on air, my blood turning ice cold with Cas' twisted confession.

"A-and... I know my skills must be very poor, and I know it must not appear as much to you, but I wanted to do what I could."

I was speechless, unable to think of what to say.

"Cas..." I finally whispered, my hand covering my mouth, a thousand thoughts flooding through my mind, all trying to manifest at once, all trying to fix every crack Cas had in his heart.

Finally, one singled itself out.

"Cas... was that... were you telling me all those things about me... Was it a lie to make me feel good? Was it all just a punishment...? To you?" I whispered, forcing myself to lower my hands, suddenly trying to ignore the coldness that swept through me at the idea of Cas lying about everything he ever said to me. "Were you punishing yourself?"

"At first I thought I was." He admitted, looking back up at me. "But it has been the worst punishment. Completely ineffective."

"Wha- why?" I asked, thrown off.

Cas seemed to shrink in on himself, not wanting to say his next words.

"Because I _enjoyed_ it!" He burst out, speaking rapidly. "I-I... I had always cared for you immensely, both you and Sam, but... I didn't realize the gravity of my feelings for you," he whispered, looking down shamefully. "It made me overjoyed when we had kissed... and when you had kissed me the second time... and when you came into my room that night... I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I realized I _loved_ you." He burst out, and the breath went out of my lungs. "I loved you, and it was so selfish of me. The whole point was supposed to give you pleasure in any way I could and yet, I was loosing control of myself." He paused, a thoughtful look coming over his face as he started speaking matter-of-factly. "It had been very difficult to do anything else because all I thought about was you."

I let out a weak chuckle at that, feeling a curl of warmth in my chest at the words.

"Cas, you're allowed some pleasure and affection - you know that, right?"

He suddenly went back to being cold, glaring at me.

"No, I'm not. Haven't you been listening to me? I deserve nothing. No pleasure or affection of any kind. Ever."

I stared at him.

"Cas, you can't live like that."

"I have to."

"No, you don't. Cas, you poor stupid son of a bitch, I don't believe you sometimes..."

I looked back up at him, and even in the faint light, I could just make out that his eyes were dull, that faraway look he got in his eye that he would get right before he would leave when he had his grace.

"Damn it Cas, _look_ at me!" I hissed, grabbing his shoulder and whirling him around, and he looked at me in surprise, and I paused.

I had to break through to him, and god knew that he was so damn stubborn and so sure that he was right, I knew that no petty speech of saying, "I forgave you a long time ago", or "we've all done shitty things", or "you have to forgive yourself", or any of those run of the mill shitty pep talk stories wouldn't work. He wouldn't believe a word of it. He would fly away if he could and just go on pointlessly torturing himself forever.

And I would loose him.

Then I knew what to tell him.

"What were you telling me yesterday Cas, about me, Ben and Lisa?"

"That was four days ago."

"Cas."

He sighed, looking down.

"I asked you how was it your fault..."

"Uh-huh. What else?"

"And... Why did you blame yourself and... if you really could've fixed things."

"So tell me, is it your fault that your good intentions took a different turn?"

He blinked, not saying anything and I shook him by his shoulders.

"Answer me. _Is_ it your fault?"

"N-no... But you warned me a lot of those times."

"There have been times you warned me not to do things and I didn't listen. Do I still blame myself?"

He thought about it.

"No. But I went back in time trying to fix things, but they all turned out the same."

_He went back in time?_

"Then could you really have fixed things?" I demanded, telling myself to focus.

I could see Cas struggling to think it through, and I wanted to shake him, hug him, kiss him, slap some sense into him.

"Who have you wronged here?"

He looked at me sharply, quick to answer.

"You."

"Then who gets to pass judgement?"

He didn't answer, a maddening flicker of doubt running across his face.

" _Cas!_ Answer me you son of a bitch!" I snapped. " _Who_ judges Cas?!"

His stony expression wavered.

"My father, but he's gone again, so I have to do it myself."

"You idiot, you think the _sinner_ judges himself? Who judges if God is gone?"

He blinked, struggling to comprehend what I was saying.

There was a long stretch of silence, and while I just wanted to pull him close to my chest and tell him it was okay, I knew I had to break through, make him think about it through his thick skull.

His eyes flickered, a flash of understanding dawning over his face as an idea took hold and I shook him again, forcing him to look at me.

"Who is the right person to judge Cas? Tell me."

"The person the sinner offended..." he finally whispered.

"Yes. And who's that here."

There was a long pause, our heavy breaths filling the silence.

"You..." he whispered.

"Me." I nodded, although it wasn't entirely me, I was the main reason he was kicking himself and I was going to be damned if I didn't get through to him. "I know you Cas, you've been there for me cut and bleeding. You endured Sam's craziness, helped me kill the leviathans. I was with you a year in purgatory, you're the one who took the bullet saying yes to Lucifer; I know you. It was me you've hurt and wronged, but so what, I've hurt and wronged you too, and for that, I'm sorry."

Oh god now Cas was shaking like a leaf in my grasp, like he was seconds from falling apart, misery in his eyes, and I was struggling to keep myself together.

"You can't continue to punish yourself, because everyone has hurt and wronged each other. No one is perfect, and you shouldn't punish yourself for not being perfect, because there is no such thing." I reached up, gently cupping his face. "So since your father isn't here to punish you, who judges now?"

"You..." he whispered, his voice barely audible. "I... I will accept your judgement Dean."

He finally met my eyes with his, grim and stoic.

"Then this is my judgement." I said, rubbing his cheek with my thumb and leaning in to kiss him.

He froze, in obvious shock, his lips still, his eyes wide in surprise and disbelief when I pulled away.

" _Why_ Dean? What have you _done?"_

"I'm giving you my judgement." I said, gently kissing him again, Cas still not kissing me back. "I think you've suffered enough."

" _No_." He protested, pulling away from me, but I leaned back in, gently cupping his face with my hands, forcing him to look at me.

"Yes." I said softly, rubbing my thumbs on his cheeks, his stubble ticking my fingers. "We all fuck up Cas, we all make mistakes, and just because you're - er, was - an angel, doesn't make you an exception. We all hurt people, we all sin, but we all grow."

I suddenly realized he wasn't the only person in the room I was talking to.

"That's why we forgive, so we can move on, avoid the same things happening again. That's why we make friends and be there for them, so when we need help, there's someone there to pick us back up." I pressed soft kisses on his lips in-between sentences, Cas frozen in place still. "Cas... you don't want to endlessly torture yourself. I've been to hell, and it leads you nowhere." Another kiss. "Cas, you are a good person, one of the best I've ever met. Even more so now that you're doing this all on your own, which is a thousand times harder than following orders. You are good, and you so deserve some affection."

Another kiss, and I was kissing him longer and deeper each time, trying to get him to respond. I was tugging on his lips with mine, running my tongue along the bottom, tasting them.

Cas still wasn't kissing me back, still completely stunned and processing everything slowly, flattened against the back of the chair, drawing in deep breaths after every kiss, like he was being dunked underwater.

"Dean... I-I- you don't have to keep kissing me..."

I sighed.

"You friggin moron, I _want_ to. I care about you a lot. I have for years."

We both froze, and I took a breath, thinking the three words I had never said aloud to anyone.   
Three words I had heard, but never felt beyond friendship and brotherly affection.   
Three words I had heard stories about, words my brother had known, but lost. Three words Bobby had threatened to kill me for because I didn't trust his zombie wife.   
Three words I had heard and seen, but never known.

Not until now.

"I need you, Cas..." I whispered softly, the words barely audible to even me, the only words I could force out of my mouth.

I heard a soft gasp, but I couldn't bring myself to look up, couldn't bear to see the look in Cas' eyes before he would leave.

_Just like everyone else..._

"Dean..." Cas said softly, his hand gently cupping my face.

After what felt like years, I finally lifted my eyes up to his, but his lips were on mine before I could say a word, hungry and passionate.

"Tell me again," he whispered, kissing me in-between words, and I was gasping for air.

"I-I need you..." I said, a bit louder this time, the words coming easier, and he was gazing at me, cradling my face in his hands.

It felt like the wall that had been there for years suddenly broke, and I couldn't stop myself, couldn't control my body or my mouth as I pulled him back to me, kissing him fiercely, our teeth clicking together.

"I need you because you're just a stubborn as me-" I exclaimed, kissing him feverishly and he was kissing me right back with the same passion. "I need you because you've always been there for me, I need you because you always make me feel better, no matter how shitty I feel." Another kiss. "I need you because you've never given up on me, you've always seen the best in me, and you-"

I broke off, unable to continue, because I realized I was crying, overwhelmed with all these emotions I'd never felt before, but Cas was right there, holding me through it.

"I need you, and I don't deserve you." I said softly, looking down, unable to look at him.

"Dean..." he said in surprise, a pause falling over the room. "You deserve someone _better_ than me, I don't understand why you think you don't deserve _me_..."

I chuckled, wiping my face with my hand, and I could feel him looking at me.

"And that is what makes me unworthy of you." I pulled him back in for another kiss, pulling him tightly to me.

I knew Cas wanted to retort to that, say that it wasn't true, and maybe it wasn't, but we could finish this talk later.

Because either way, it didn't matter, because the dam that I had built up against him over the years, it was all coming down and with such force, I was overwhelmed with all the emotions I was feeling, all at once.   
I had never felt anything on this magnitude for anyone or anything, and for once, I didn't want to run from it.   
I embraced it, wanting to feel it forever and ever, wanting to breathe it, live on it.

And the best thing?

The one thing that made me feel that way, was tangible in my arms.

_And he loved me back._

We broke the kiss for air, and I laughed breathlessly, Cas hugging me so tightly I could barely breathe, but I didn't care.   
My face was buried in his shoulder, arms in a death grip around him, and I couldn't stop the tears what just kept coming.

It took me awhile, but it finally dawned on me.

I was crying tears of _joy_.

The tears that I've always believed were a myth, a legend. A ghost as rare as love.

I was so friggin happy, I didn't even feel embarrassed or ashamed to cry like a little bitch in front of Cas, because I knew he understood.

I knew he wouldn't judge me.

Eventually, I slowly began to get ahold of myself, Cas rubbing my back gently and peppering the top of my head with kisses and gentle rubs with his fingers patiently throughout my entire breakdown, gently kissing me back when I kissed him.

Once I stopped crying, I took a heavy breath, leaning back, chuckling awkwardly as I wiped my face.

"Sorry..." I mumbled, a bit embarrassed.

"Don't say that." Cas said, gently wiping away the last of my tears with gentle reverence.

I chuckled, taking another breath, lifting my eyes up to look at Cas.

In the melee of our emotions, I had ended up in Cas' lap, my arms around his neck, his arms wrapped around my waist.   
He was gazing at me, blue eyes wide, shimmery, and dark.   
He gently ran his hand over my face, letting it rest on my cheek, and I leaned into it, sighing softly, closing my eyes.   
When I opened them again, I saw he was still gazing at me with such gentle affection and adoration, that I blushed.   
His eyes flickered down to my lips, and a spark of heat washed over me, and I was looking down at his lips; tangerine, chapped lips parted slightly, his sprinkling of dark stubble highlighting those plush lips.  
Leaning forward, I cupped the back of his head with my hand, pulling him in for another kiss.

His lips were warm, the kiss chaste and gentle, so vastly different from Nira's heartless kisses, so vastly different from any kiss I'd had from anyone else.   
He worshiped me with his mouth, kissing me with a reverence, as if it was his last kiss.   
He ran his hands through my hair, over my arms slowly, praising me, as if every part of me was holy.   
I trembled in his touch, and I found myself trailing my fingers along his jawline, exploring the line of his stubble, where it began, and where it ended. The rise and fall of his skin over his bones, the place where my hand was low enough to feel his hammering heartbeat through his shirt.   
It felt so natural kissing Cas now, like I had been doing it all my life. He was so, so gentle, taking everything slow, as if he was savoring every second of it.   
Pulling away for air, I rested my forehead against his, gazing into his eyes, a deep midnight blue in the dim light.

Cas was in my space in just about every way possible, but I found myself wanting more. I wanted to know what he felt like, what other parts of his skin tasted like. I wanted to taste that passion of his that he had hidden from me up to this point with the restraint of a Jedi master.

"Show me..." I whispered, closing my eyes and wrapping my arms tighter around him.

"What Dean?" He said my name so softly, the resonance in which he said it the equivalent of an _'I love you'._

My mouth felt full of cotton balls, my stomach twisting nervously, but nothing had felt this right in a long, long time, and I couldn't find my words, couldn't find the right thing to say.

So I merely kissed him, my hand slowly clutching a fistful of his hoodie, hoping he understood.

He kissed me back for a moment, before pulling away, gazing at me in empathetic concern, head tilted in that adoring way of his.

"You... you're ready?" He said softly, hesitantly.

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

"You're sure?"

I took a breath, Cas' midnight blue eyes never leaving mine, wide in concern.

"Yes," I assured him, pleased that my voice sounded as confident as I was with my decision, meeting his gaze levelly.

He parted his lips, as if about to say something, but couldn't find the words.

"W-we can stop... if you don't want to. We don't have to," Cas rambled finally, his voice so soft with concern and worry, I couldn't help but smile.

"That goes for you too," I whispered softly, cupping the back of his head as I gently kissed him.

"But Dean... I-I don't know much about-"

I shut him up with another kiss, running my hands down to his hands, as I pulled away to stand up.

"No one is grading you on this, and I've uh, never done this before either." I flushed, glad Cas couldn't see it in the dim light as I gently tugged on his hands. "Come here."

He obeyed, clutching my hands back tightly as he stood up, gazing up at me as he waited for my next move, and I chuckled awkwardly, at a loss on how to carry this on.

_Come on Dean, you're the slick, suave one, what's keepin' you?_

Cas seemed to catch onto my indecision, putting his hands on my shoulders and sitting me down on my bed, his hands sliding down on my chest as he gently pushed me to lay down on the bed.   
My heart starting skipping in my chest, my mouth dry as Cas hovered over me, holding himself up by planting his hands on either side of my head, leaning in to kiss me again.  
The kiss was long, slow, and deep, our lips warming each others, tugging and pulling on each others lips, our hands starting to wander over each other, memorizing and mapping out the others body.   
I parted my lips as Cas licked my bottom lip, letting him explore my mouth with his tongue, somehow still keeping the kiss slow and gentle as his hand caressed my cheek. His touch was so gentle and soothing, I could feel my nervousness beginning to ebb away, and I found comfort in exploring his body with my hands over his shirt. His body was so vastly different than a woman's, but it was completely exhilarating, new territory unexplored.  
My body was growing hotter and hotter the longer our kisses became, the both of us discovering what made the other gasp and moan, and soon enough, I was pulling these beautiful sounds out of Cas' mouth that made my stomach twist in desire.  
Cas' hand that had been mapping out and caressing my face, eventually began to wander lower and lower as mine did, and I gasped when his fingers wandered beneath my shirt. We both pulled away to breathe, our breaths tickling each others faces as he gazed at me, silently asking if I was okay.   
The nervousness I had forgotten came back, but I pushed it away, reaching down, putting my hand over his and gently squeezing it, letting him know that I was okay.   
The worried look on his face melted away, but he held my gaze, again, silently asking.   
I nodded slightly, Cas leaning back to give me room to sit up, and I couldn't help but laugh at Cas' seeming inability to remove my shirt once I sat up, and he smiled a little as he ducked his head in embarrassment.   
I kissed his warm cheek, putting my hands over his and helping him wrestle my shirt off, and his soft chuckle at me struggling to get my hands out of the sleeves of my shirt sounded like sunshine in the dim light.

"Your turn," I whispered, kissing the side of his neck as he leaned his head against mine as I ran my hands up his sides under his sweatshirt, Cas shivering at my touch.

He let me pull off his hoodie he had been wearing, his muffled laughter bringing a smile to my face when his hoodie got stuck on his head when I tried pulling it off.

"You're terrible at this Dean." Cas chuckled softly as I discarded his hoodie somewhere on the floor.

"Like you did so well yourself Casanova?" I chuckled, and he rolled his eyes.

Our soft laughter died down, and I held my breath as Cas' eyes wandered over my newly exposed skin, eyes traveling up to my face as slowly as a caress, and his gaze was so warm and gentle, so full of emotions, I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt.

 _This is okay_... I thought to myself as I admired Cas' toned chest. _I've seen him shirtless before, I'm okay._

I looked back up to find Cas still gazing at me, and I flushed a bit.

"You're so beautiful Dean." He whispered, and I blushed, looking away.

I looked back at him when he gently cupped my face with his hand, kissing him back when he kissed me, letting him gently lay me back down on the bed again, his hand trailing down my neck to my bicep, over his handprint.   
He pulled away, kissing the side of my mouth as I gasped for air, clutching onto his biceps as he trailed soft kisses along my jawline, then to my neck. He quickly discovered that my neck was a sensitive area for me, and he bathed my neck in kisses until I realized the soft whimpers I heard were coming from me.  
He finally moved on to my collarbone after he had left a mark over my soft spot, but instead of kissing my skin in a steady line like how he did along my jawline, he started kissing me in odd places.   
A kiss on my collarbone, a kiss on the edge of my shoulder, a kiss over his handprint.  
Then he pressed a kiss above my heart, and it hit me.  
The place he had just kissed was the scar I had from Metatron killing me not so long ago, and as he kept moving along my chest, my heart fluttered as I realized he was kissing all my scars.   
He was kissing them not because they marred my body in various white blotches, he was kissing them because he thought that every part of me was perfect, sacred.   
I flushed at the thought, my fingers clenching a bit tighter on his bicep as I watched him kiss over to my left arm.   
He kissed all the way down to my finger tips, the pads of my fingers still tingling after he kissed them, moving on to my right arm after I released his bicep and doing the same.   
Then he moved back to the center of my chest, steadily moving downwards and my breathing began to accelerate along with my heartbeat.   
By the time he made it to the waistline of the sweatpants I was wearing, I was achingly hard, a part of me wishing he would hurry up and get his mouth on my dick, while another was enjoying the slow, gentle exploration of my body that had me tingling in ways I didn't even know could happen.   
Cas stopped there, his heavy breaths tickling my skin as he looked up at me, lips parted as his face was wrinkled in concern and indecision.

"Is this what you want, Dean?" He asked softly, pulling himself back up to look at me, and I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, unable to meet his eyes as I nodded, the nervousness and my inner prejudices rearing their ugly heads.

"Dean," Cas cupped my chin, forcing me to look him in the eye, his eyes wide with worry. "Are you sure? I-I won't be mad if you've changed your mind..."

I trailed my hand down to cup his face in response, and he leaned his head into my palm, eyes still on me.

"There's no one else I'd rather do this with than you." I answered honestly, and the spark that lit up his eyes at that was beautiful.

"Dean..." He whispered, voice thick with emotion, and I just kissed him, not wanting to cry from his joy like I suddenly wanted to as I ran my hands down his back.

"I want to," I said softly, kissing the side of Cas' face as I dipped my fingers under the waistband of his jeans on his lower back, Cas gasping as I did so.

That seemed to be the last bit of confirmation he needed, leaning back to stand up, his hands instantly on the hem of my sweatpants as soon as I sat up.

"It'd probably be easier if we took care of you first." I chuckled, nipping at the shell of his ear, Cas shuddering as I unbuttoned his jeans.

"Y-yes, perhaps i-it would." He stammered, panting heavily as he watched me unzip his jeans.

"Yeah," I gripped the fabric of his jeans, hesitating on pulling them down for a brief moment.

_Come on, it's okay, not like you aren't familiar with what you'll find. Besides, he has boxers on, and you can stop any time you want, right? Cas said it would be okay._

Taking a breath, I helped Cas step out of his jeans, my heart racing at the tent in his boxers, but I didn't have much time to focus on it, as Cas was already impatiently tugging at my sweatpants.  
I couldn't help but chuckle at Cas' focused expression as he seemed to be debating on something with himself, maybe on how to get my sweatpants off.   
I finally stood up to discard my sweatpants, but Cas wasn't having it, pulling them down for me, the both of us only in our boxers now.   
I could feel the nervousness clawing at my stomach, but when Cas pulled me against him for a kiss, this one hotter and a bit fiercer than the last kisses we'd shared, I instantly forgot it. His mouth was rough and insistent, his hand clenching onto the hairs at the base of my neck, while his other arm snaked around my waist and crushed me against him, and I hissed when our hips were crushed together, and something about suddenly feeling Cas' hard arousal against mine sparked a flame in me. It was something I'd never felt before, and somehow, it was the most exhilarating thing ever.   
The two of us moaned into each others mouths as I ground my hips against his, Cas instantly responding in kind.

"Cas..." I gasped, my hands dropping to dig into his hips, my head falling back as Cas relentlessly kissed and nibbled at my neck.

 _God_ he felt so good against me, his hips undulating in perfect sync against mine, his mouth like molten lava on my hot, sweat slick skin, but it wasn't _enough_.

I pushed impatiently at the fabric of Cas' boxers, Cas slowing his attack on my neck slightly.

"Dean?" He rumbled, his voice impossibly deeper than normal with desire.

"Please..." I gasped, unable to say anything more, my fingers clenching around the fabric of his boxers.

His hands glided down my sides, fingers pushing slightly against my own boxers as he kissed my jaw, shoving the fabric off of me in haste, his hands pulling me back towards him, mashing our hips together and I groaned.

_Here goes..._

I shoved Cas' boxers down, all layers between us gone, and we both suddenly paused, panting as we gazed into each others eyes for a moment, before I looked down.   
Cas had a beautiful form; a sweeping, sinewy chest, deceptively thick biceps, and his hipbones melted down to his deliciously thick thighs. I took in the sight of his fingers digging into my hips, his erection thick and obscene in the dim light, and the sight of it made my mouth dry and my pulse race.   
I looked back up at Cas, his eyes roaming over me, his eyes soaking every inch of me in, and I wanted to blush and turn away, but I didn't, because the look in his eyes made my toes curl with the warmth that overtook my body.   
The way he looked at me made me feel weak, because I had never seen anyone look at me the way he was looking at me now. It was scary, surreal, and a part of me wanted to cover myself and scramble back into some clothes, but I didn't, because a bigger part of me was reveling in his gaze, and I felt invincible.  
I finally couldn't take his intimate gazing anymore, desperate to feel him against me again, and I grabbed his hands, pulling him back against me.

"Cas..." I whimpered, kissing his neck, and it seemed to ignite something in him.

He grabbed my hips, almost shoving me down onto the bed, and his roughness made my length throb.   
He pushed me down flat on my back again, and it was a desperate, hasty scramble to get comfortable on the bed before he slotted his hips up with mine, rutting against me and eating up my gasp with a open mouthed kiss, his tongue hot and filthy in my mouth, his each kiss better than the last.  
He keened against me, choking out a moan as I wrapped my hand around our lengths, and fuck it felt amazing to feel Cas' hot length against mine, and although was strange touching a dick that wasn't my own, it wasn't as scary as I'd expected.  
Cas groaned my name as I began thrusting up against him in the tunnel of my hand, wrapping my legs around his waist to pull him closer against me, and I could feel the dips in the bed on either side of my head where Cas was clutching onto the bedsheets.   
His deep throaty voice groaning my name in my ear was the most sinful and sexiest thing I'd ever heard, and I couldn't help but moan in response to it.   
My hand was slick with our combined precum as we rutted hard against each other, my body on fire and pleasure all at once and it was so overwhelming, but I couldn't get enough.   
And just when I thought it couldn't get any hotter, Cas began whispering something in a foreign language to me in my ear, his hot breath and tongue rolling off thick syllables that sent waves of warmth and desire through me.   
I didn't even care how loud I probably was, running my hand down Cas' back and his pace quickened slightly, his head falling to rest on my shoulder. He panted hard against my skin, and I knew he had to be getting close, judging by his wickedly sinful moans that were the most beautiful sounds I'd ever heard.   
Reaching up, I pulled him towards my face, sloppily kissing him, the both of us moaning into the others mouth as we were getting ever closer to our end.

"Cas..." I moaned, not even in control of myself anymore, blindly driven to just feel him and the insane pleasure he was giving me.

I didn't even give a fuck that I'd had better lays in my lifetime, because this one, was unlike any other.   
He wasn't fucking me, it wasn't dirty, spurred simply by carnal lusts and animalistic desires, no, it wasn't that at all.   
He was making _love_ to me in this new and foreign way; hot and gentle, the flame I remembered tasting from him a year ago coming alive. It was so unbelievably hot; a passion I had never tasted, never seen in the cheesy pornos I've watched throughout my life.   
It was making every cell inside me come alive, every limb tingling with rapid fire bursts of pure, unadulterated pleasure, and I faintly realized, it had been what I'd always wanted. It had been that tiny part of me that had never been sated, no matter how many beautiful girls I had fucked.   
It was that curl of warmth and affection I had always wanted, but never found, not even in Lisa, and yet, it was the most beautiful sensation ever.   
I felt his breath on my lips as he rested his forehead against mine, whispering his love for me like it was an anthem. The dips in the bed on both sides of my head where he was propping himself up with his hands, knuckles brushing against my skin with each thrust. I could feel the ridges and curves on his length as I fucked myself against him, his hair curling around my fingers as I clutched the fine hairs on the back of his neck.   
It was all so, so, much, _too_ much, but I couldn't get _enough_.   
Any doubts or shortcomings I still might've had, were gone entirely, and I dimly wondered to myself why we hadn't done this sooner, because _fuck_ , I could get used to this.   
I wanted to stay in the moment forever, wrap it and Cas around me and feel his endless, desperate thrusts against me until the end of time, but as all good things, I could feel that telltale tightening in my abdomen as my orgasm drew ever closer, my hand tightening around our lengths and my legs tightened around his waist as our thrusts grew sloppy.

"Fuck- Cas, Cas, _Castiel_." I babbled, whining and moaning like I lost my mind, and I guess I had.

Cas lifted his head off my forehead, and I just barely got a glimpse of him looking at me, eyes dark with possessiveness and a dark flame as he claimed me as his own, and it sent me over the edge almost instantly.

I was reeling from the intense pleasure, my raucous moans muffled when Cas kissed me through it as I came all over my stomach and hand, my own release triggering Cas' seconds later, a second wave of wet warmth bursting over my stomach and hand.   
As I came down, I felt like jello as I relaxed into the bed, Cas still lightly thrusting against me, whimpering slightly into my shoulder before he sagged on my chest a few moments later.  
I instinctively wrapped my arms around him, sighing in contentment, letting myself drift off in the waves of bliss that was wrapping itself around me like a happy memory, not caring about the mess on my stomach or my hand.   
I wasn't sure how long we laid there that way, but it wasn't until Cas started to get heavy on top of me, did I finally and reluctantly break the companionable silence that had fallen over us both.

"Cas." I muttered, gently shaking him. "You're kinda killing my lungs here buddy."

He lifted his head up, blinking lazily, not comprehending what I said for a moment as I chuckled, pulling him up to gently kiss him.

"My apologies." He broke the kiss, smiling bashfully at me, and we both sighed as he rolled off of me, my stomach a sticky mess and although I wanted to just roll over and cuddle with Cas, it was becoming uncomfortable.

"It's okay." I said now, trying to find the will to get up to clean myself.

He nodded, noticing my predicament, leaning over me and grabbing the cup of water off my nightstand, handing it to me before he got up off the bed, walking to my bathroom.

I had just finished the cup when Cas returned with a washcloth, gently cleaning me off then himself, taking the empty cup with him when he went back to the bathroom.

I laid back down on the bed, letting myself relax again after I got comfortable, when Cas returned, standing at the edge of my bed, as if not sure of what to do with himself.

"Cas, come on." I moved over, pulling up the bedsheets for him, putting them back around him as he settled in next to me.

He was looking at me again when I lifted my eyes back up once I'd finished tucking him in with me, his gaze warm and soft, and I found myself smiling at him.

"How are you Dean?" He said, looking down as I reached down to intertwine my fingers with his.

"I'm fan-freaking-tastic. How about you?" I gently kissed his nose and he blushed.

"I'm-" he paused, thinking to himself, his nose scrunching slightly and I found it the most endearing thing. He finally smiled a little, looking back up at me. "I'm fan-freaking-tastic."

I chuckled, lazily kissing him, Cas eager to kiss me back.   
I absolutely loved the way his lips felt against mine, soft and plush, quickly learning each and every way to pleasure me the most, as I was slowly catching on to things he liked.

Like those soft whimpers he would exhale when I would nip at his bottom lip, or how he would instantly part his lips when I traced my tongue along them, like my tongue was the key.   
We eventually began to figure out how to explore each others mouths in turn; Cas' explorations as slow and methodical as he was, his tongue tracing over my teeth, my tongue and the roof of my mouth, clearly fully enjoying every second of it.   
And when he finally let me explore his mouth after we broke apart to breathe, he seemed to sink back into the sheets, arms clutching me like me kissing him was how he breathed.   
I discovered how his bottom teeth were a bit crooked in one place, and it was oddly amusing to run my tongue along it. Or how his mouth tasted faintly of mint, like he had brushed his teeth an hour or so before.   
Eventually though, our explorations began to transform into simple, chaste kisses, then just our foreheads resting against each others, our eyes shut as we breathed in the others space, arms and legs tangled around each other, and despite how awkward it was in some ways, it was the most comfortable I had ever been in years.   
I could feel myself slowly begin to drift off, Cas' body warming mine, his heartbeat thumping steadily against my arm.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

And slowly, I let myself crash into his arms, letting the contentment swallow me whole and tuck me in its warmth for the rest of the night as I drifted off to oblivion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have my first gay smut scene I've ever written. :,) I hope it wasn't too god awful terrible... Heh. *hides from slight embarrassment* 
> 
> Also, the song I suggested for this chapter is so perfect for destiel, I couldn't help but mention it, I tear up every time. :,) I've also made an edit to it on my Instagram @ ffsmish if you'd like to see it, or message me for a link to it if you'd like, lol


	21. Imperfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, sorry for late updates! I gotta move my work from my notes to here then put italics and all that and sometimes I just dun wanna do it. :,) 
> 
> Anyways, here ya go, and thanks for 400 reads!! ^-^

  
Twenty One

  
I inhaled, sighing as I stretched out, my fingers bumping with warm skin, and for a second, I had a mini heart attack, my heart almost jumping out of my skin in fright until I opened my eyes and saw that it was just Cas.   
A sleeping, very _naked_ Cas.   
I abruptly remembered the night before, and I blushed, remembering the heat, the moans, the whispered words.

_The I love you._

I blushed a deeper red, the night before feeling surreal, like some crazy whack, emotional deprived dream, or some drunk, hazy minded fuck.   
But I was very much in my right mind the night before. I had willingly comforted Cas, I had willingly set him straight in a series of kisses and words, and I had willingly succumbed with him to the passion, the heat.   
I willingly did the one thing I never, ever thought I would ever do. For my entire life, I had sworn up and down, head to toe, sign of the cross prayer and everything, that being with a guy, much less having sexual relations with one, wasn't for me.   
And yet, despite all my claims, scoffs and eye rolls, here I was, naked in bed next to my best friend.

_So what had changed?_

I blinked, chewing hard on that question, looking over at Cas as he moved in his sleep, curling around me when he rolled into me, arms pressed up to his chest as his head leaned up against my shoulder, cuddling against me like an old faithful dog.

_He's so cute._

I blinked, wondering where that thought had come from, but I couldn't help but smile a little as a tiny flicker of warmth swept through me.   
Then it hit me.

_We loved each other._

We'd said it in our own words aloud last night, affirmed them through hot kisses, caresses and slow gentle thrusts that left both of us almost delirious with the pleasure.

_But had I really meant it?_

_Did we just say what the other needed to hear in the heat of the moment?_

_Was I even ready for this?_

I took a breath, looking over at my clock, the time reading 6:01am.   
Looking back over at Cas, I slowly and carefully disentangled myself from him and the sheets, getting out of bed and silently dressing.   
I was an expert at silent dressing now, Cas not even stirring when I slipped out of my room, softly closing the door behind me.

The hallway was quiet, the nightlight my silent companion as I stalked my way to the garage, the kitchen, living room and everything else seemingly the exact same since I last saw it over a year ago.   
Opening the door to the garage, I stepped down the steps, a sleepy mew meeting my ears.   
I stepped around a faded red Chevy pickup truck and saw a big, tabby orange cat lying on the floor, blue-green eyes blinking at me lazily.

"Hotep?" I tried, not sure if it was the same cat.

He purred, getting up and stretching, walking over to me and rubbing himself on my legs, head butting my hand when I kneeled down.

"Hey buddy." I said, picking him up and standing, petting him. "You've gotten big."

He just purred, his side vibrating slightly as I petted him, walking over to the door, opening it and stepping outside.   
The sky was orange, the sun just barely starting to rise.   
I put Hotep down, sneezing as he walked onto the grass, pouncing on something as I tried brushing the cat hair off my hoodie, sitting on the concrete steps.   
It was nippy outside, and I put my hands in my pockets, hunching in on myself to try and keep warm.   
It was pretty quiet out, a few crickets humming as Hotep checked out a few bushes, inspecting each and every thing.   
It was nice, calming, and helped me clear my mind.   
I didn't think about anything, just followed the cat with my eyes, watching the way his shoulder bones poked up under his skin as he found something to stalk, inching up to whatever it was with practiced precision.

"Dean?"

I jumped, nearly tripping over myself to get to my feet, whirling around to see a petit brunette, caramel skinned woman standing in the doorway of the garage.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked, ready to fight if I had to, though I didn't really want to hit her if I didn't have to.

"I'm Jezebel." She said, her hands raised. "You can call me Jazz, I'm Sam's girlfriend."

"J-" I blinked, not sure I heard that right. "You- _what?"_

"I'm Jazz, Sam's girlfriend." She smiled a little, light blue, almost gray eyes sparkling in the light, curly brown hair waving in the wind. "I met him and Cas on a hunt about nine months ago. We were both hunting a Wendigo. Would've been dead if it wasn't for your brother." She smiled a little. "You must be Dean."

I nodded slowly, relaxing.

"Jazz?" I finally managed to spit out. "How do you get that from Jezebel?"

She lowered her arms, smiling weakly as she shrugged.

"My baby brother, he couldn't pronounce my name right, so it stuck. So, are we cool? Can I join you?" She pointed to the steps, and I looked around, before shrugging.

"Uh... sure..." I said, slowly sitting down, Jazz sitting next to me.

"I've heard a lot about you." She said, wrapping the fabric of her long cardigan around her. "From both your brother and Cas."

"Cas?" I said weakly.

"Oh yes." She smiled at me, her hands seemingly connected to her mouth as she talked. "He talks about you like you hung the stars."

She looked back over at me, brushing back her hair from her face, caramel skin contrasting beautifully from her eyes, making them almost glow.

I blushed, looking away, crossing my arms.

"Yeah?" I cleared my throat, trying to be indifferent.

"Mmhmm." She said, and I could see her look away out of the corner of my eye. "You've probably already been told this, but guy is head over heels for you. It's the cutest thing."

_You don't say..._

I felt myself blush a deeper shade of red, and I internally swore, leaning down and picking at a small patch of grass growing in the crack of the concrete.

"So, how you feeling?" Jazz said, and I silently thanked her from saving me from saying some kind of response about the Cas thing.

"I'm alright, I'll pull through."

She said nothing, some silence sweeping over us.

"Do you remember everything?" She finally said, smiling as Hotep caught sight of her, trotting over to her with a song of happy meows.

"It's all hazy." I admitted, tossing the grass strand I had ripped up, pulling off a fresh piece. "Like it was all a strange dream."

"Ah." She picked up Hotep, the cat settling in her lap, curling up and closing his eyes. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I looked up, glancing over at her, her silver eyes full of concern.

"M'fine." I muttered, looking back down at the new piece of grass I was currently ripping up in my hand. "Just tired."

"You're confused. Scared too. Is it the memories, or something else?"

I blinked, looking over at her, my brows furrowed in suspicion.

"What are you, psychic?"

She laughed softly, scratching the top of Hotep's head.

"No. I went to college for psychology, virtually anything having to do with the body or personality, so I picked up a few things about human behavior and what they mean." She looked back over at me. "For example, you're picking apart that grass, which is a sign you're either scared or nervous about something. You've also given very short responses with me, and although a part of that is due to natural distrust, that's not it, because the cat is telling you that I'm "safe" per say." She said, rubbing Hotep's head for emphasis. "Something big has happened to you that you didn't expect, maybe didn't plan, and you're not sure how to deal with it."

I blinked at her dubiously, sitting still.

"You sure you're not a psychic?" She laughed as I looked back down at the grass, ripping up a fresh piece.

"I'm positive. Just well schooled in the behavior of people. So," I could feel her looking at me as I ripped the grass strand into little pieces. "What's eating at you Dean?"

I said nothing, not sure where to really begin, much less say that I'd had sexual relations with a guy aloud.

"Dean, I'll tell you what I tell your brother; just because you are strong, have borne things to yourself most of your life and gotten over it, doesn't mean you have to. Especially if someone is offering to listen to what you're stuck over. You never know, you may get that last puzzle piece you need from an unbiased mind to either heal or fix what you can't by yourself. So come on, let me help."

I said nothing, and I could feel her scrutinizing me.

"Is it Nira? Something you remember about the last year? Sam maybe? Or..." Jazz paused, thinking to herself. "Cas maybe?"

I froze at his name being said aloud, the grass wiggling in my fingers with the breeze.

"Ah. I see." She said simply.

"What do you see?" I snapped, whirling around to look at her. "This isn't an art gallery, there is nothing to _see_."

"Stop, Dean, stop." She said gently, reaching over and touching my shoulder, gently rubbing it. "Just stop. Breathe."

I did, her small hand surprisingly soothing.

"So, you're upset because of something revolving around Cas. That's okay, you are allowed to feel Dean, that's what makes us human. Now, what is upsetting you? Is it something that has to do with the last year?" She asked, and after some silence, I slowly shook my head, my voice caught in my throat. "Okay, then... something he said..?" A nod. "Okay. Was it bad or malicious?" I shook my head. "Then something you maybe didn't expect or weren't prepared to hear?" A nod. "Okay. So how do you feel about it?"

I thought back to him saying he loved me, the curl of warmth in my chest when I heard the words, and him whispering it against my skin as he kissed me.

"I-I... I don't know." I said the first thing that came to mind.

"You don't what you feel, or you don't know how to _say_ what you feel?"

I opened my mouth to say some witty retort, but I shut my mouth, pondering it.   
I'd never seen it that way, the "I don't know" feeling either being a what or a how to say thing.

"I-I really don't know either." I admitted.

"I think you do." she said gently, rubbing my shoulder still. "I think you do know, deep in your heart, but you won't let yourself accept it. Your sarcasm spoke volumes earlier, because people that use it, most often use it as a defense mechanism. So, tell me Dean, how do you feel?"

I sighed heavily, not wanting to say it aloud to someone I barely knew.

"You love him, don't you?"

I flushed, looking away.

"Am I that transparent to you?" I grumbled, and she laughed slightly, some of the tension easing.

"No, as I've said, I just know how to read the signs. So, you love him, huh?"

I said nothing for awhile, still looking out to the east, the sun slowly appearing behind the bare trees, peaking through the naked branches.   
I finally nodded, quick and short, unable to bring myself to look at her.

"So, what is the problem? I've gotten to know Cas over the last year, and a blind person could see how much he loves you. Hell, I knew the second he first said your name, because I see the same look in Sam's eyes when he looks at me, in his when he talks about you. Dean, you have the purest soul in the world _sick_ in love with you, what are you doing sitting here and not with him? Why are you putting yourself out in the cold? Why are you acting like you can't acknowledge it?"

"Because I don't deserve him!" I exclaimed, the words rushing out of my mouth. "He is too good for me, too fucking perfect and everything I'm not. I'm nothing, a huge, fucked up mess that drinks too much and has too much baggage. I'm human, and he's an _angel_ , a fucking angel, and I'm just some puny human. I'm nothing in the grand scheme of things, and he deserves someone better; someone who won't get him killed or hurt because everyone that has been around me has gotten killed because of me, even Sam!" I was growing angry, because who the hell was this bitch to tell me what I was and wasn't feeling? "So tell me, why is it a good idea to let him in when I'm just going to somehow get him killed like I got Ben and Lisa killed!"

My yelling rang through the silence, Jazz silent, a sudden gasp from behind us causing us to turn, Cas standing in the doorway, a hurt, shocked expression on his face as he seemed frozen in place, his eyes locked on mine.

A long pause filled the silence, and I could vaguely see Jazz getting up out of the corner of my eye, silently picking up the cat.

"I'll let you two talk." She said softly, quietly stealing away as Cas and I stared at each other, frozen, just unable to break the moment or break away from the pain in each others eyes.

"Dean..." Cas said softly, his voice choked and I looked away, Cas coming over to me, sitting next to me. "Dean..." he said dumbly, as if he couldn't think of anything else to say, his hand tentatively coming down to rest on my forearm, and I could feel him trembling slightly.

"You are so utterly _wrong_." He whispered finally, and I whirled around to look at him.

"How?" I said bitterly, looking at him spitefully. "Why would you want me. A stupid human that has more bad memories than good. Why would you want me when I'll just probably get you killed-" I choked on on the word, looking away.

"Dean." he sighed, "The image you have of yourself is so twisted and erroneous, and so far from reality. Dean, I've been alive since Earth took its first breaths. I've seen things incomprehensible to you, indescribable, beautiful, and catastrophic. I've witnessed every beginning, and countless endings. I've seen unimaginable sufferings, and just as many pleasures." He took a slow breath. "I've seen more than you will ever see in your lifetime, but you have lived far longer than me."

I blinked, confused, looking over at him, Cas staring at the ground as he was back in time, in another place I couldn't go.

"Since my creation, I had done what I was told. I was a soldier, I followed orders, I followed the codes, I adored my father. I did everything I was told without question. I was.. going through the motions, as you humans say." he said, his face scrunched up slightly from deep thought. "Then news came up, that Dean Winchester was going to start the apocalypse if we didn't rescue him." He looked up at me, meeting my eyes, a small smile on his face. "I thought, that, maybe, it was just going to be another mission, a milk run, as you call it." he looked back out at the horizon, the rising sun bleaching his tanned skin a light red. "But as time wore on, and I got to know you more, you made no _sense_ to me. Paradise was offered to you, the highest riches, anything you wished, but you turned down that every other human I'd encountered had taken without second thought. It made no sense to me, why you wanted the pain, the chaos, your deranged, abomination of a brother at the time. I didn't understand what about freedom overruled peace. No human in the history of my existence had done what you have, and it fascinated me." He took a breath. fixing his sweater sleeve, before looking up at me. "It was you that made me question everything and think for myself, something I had never done until you showed me how to. You were the "puny human"," I could hear the air quotations. "That changed my entire existence, my view and beliefs on everything, and you still continue to never cease to surprise or intrigue me."

I flushed, looking away.

"I'm sure if you got to know anyone else as well as me, you wouldn't say that."

"Maybe so, but I fell out of heaven for _you_ , didn't I?"

I said nothing, just glowered out at the horizon and after some silence, Cas hesitantly, but firmly, wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I saw hundreds of my brothers and sisters fall from grace for human men and women, but I didn't, because I couldn't see anything worthwhile, or worthy enough to save." I could feel him looking at me, but I refused to look at him. "Dean, it is a tragedy the way you perceive yourself, because you are the most exquisite human being I have ever met, and I have seen and met millions." He nuzzled his face against my neck, and I was blinking fast, not sure why my vision was blurring.

"You seemed to find Meg and April _exquisite_." I said bitterly, moving away from him slightly.

"Meg was a demon, and merely a curiosity to me." he said softly, moving back into my space. "She was the opposite of me, everything I was told to strike down and despise, but despite her faults, there was still some light in her, and her extreme dualities made her a fascinating study to me. And April," he sighed, leaning his head against mine. "She was a reaper, and she took advantage of my weaknesses, my pain, my loneliness, and my susceptibility. She used me merely for her own pleasure, and I was just a means to an end, but I was stupid and vain enough to believe she cared for me. They were by no means, exquisite to me, and not human."   
He gently kissed my neck, and I shuddered slightly in response. "And you don't get people killed Dean. Sometimes, these things happen, and there is nothing you can do. Everyone that loved you knew that they had the possibility of being killed. Lisa and Ben knew that, but they didn't leave, because they loved you Dean. They loved you till the end Dean, and you shouldn't blame yourself for things you cannot control."

I shuddered, and Cas leaned back, gently turning my face to him, gently wiping my cheeks with his fingers, which I suddenly realized were wet with tears.

_Fuck, how was I such a woman around him?_

I tried turning away, but he wouldn't let me, holding me in place firmly, but gently, his eyes gazing into mine.

"I meant it when I said I loved you." he said softly, blue eyes sapphire in the light. "I meant everything I said last night. And.. although I may not be the best for you, I will be everything that you _deserve_. Because you deserve the world Dean, and I would give it to you if I could."

He didn't say so, but I knew he was waiting for some sort of confirmation from me, or rejection, something.

I didn't really know what to say to that, but I no longer had any doubts in my mind that he loved me, and although my worries of him getting killed because of me weren't eased entirely, they weren't as blood curling.   
I thought back to last night, just everything, and that curl of warmth returned in my chest, making me smile inwardly.   
Still tongue tied, I just did the only thing I wanted to in the moment; I closed the short distance between us and kissed him, and once he recovered from his surprise, he was kissing me back.

"So, you're okay Dean?" Cas said softly when we pulled away, resting his forehead against mine, our eyes closed.

"Yeah."

"Really okay?"

I opened my eyes, chuckling slightly and he looked into my eyes, tiny orbs of sea water gazing at me.

"Yes, I'm really okay."

"What-" he flushed slightly, although his gaze never left mine. "What did you think about last night? Was it pleasurable?"

I chuckled, kissing his nose.

"It wasn't bad."

He nodded, something flashing across his eyes too fast for me to catch.

"What about you, Cas? Was it good?"

He smiled bashfully, like a young girl seeing her crush, looking over at me and I suddenly wished I had a camera to capture that.

"It was extremely pleasurable."

"Good." I said, stretching, rubbing the back of my neck. "We should probably go and eat."

"Perhaps, but Dean-"

"Hmm?"

I turned to look over at him, and Cas gently cupped the back of my head, pulling me in to kiss me.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise, but I wasn't complaining.

 _I guess breakfast can wait_... I mused to myself, leaning into Cas, my fingers reaching up to tangle in the hairs on the back of his neck, Cas' warm hands cradling my face like it was a precious, delicate thing.

The kiss was warm, chaste, and gentle, just so very _Cas_.   
His fingers were ghosting over the planes of my face, over my cheeks, my nose, my closed eyelids, just touching and feeling every part of me in such a way, I had to pull away, grabbing his wrists to pull his hands off of my face.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, breathless as I gazed into his eyes.

_The blue of a cloudless sky when you look up at it underwater..._

"What do you mean?" He said softly, gently pulling his wrists out of my grasp to hold my hands, his calloused thumbs rubbing over the back of my hand.

"Touching me like I'm an animal at a petting zoo."

He frowned at me, tilting his head in confusion.

"What's a petting zoo?"

"Never mind," I sighed, looking down at our hands, the blue veins that you could barely see over the backs of Cas' hands.

"Dean, I don't know what you're referencing, but I'm loving you as you should be."

My breath caught in my throat, and I jerked my eyes back up to his in disbelief, but there his eyes were - bright, wide, and sincere.

It suddenly dawned on me, that Cas wasn't going to love me the same way a normal person would, nor would he treat me the same as Lisa or as any other poor bastard that ever happened to fall in love with me ever would, because Cas knew me in ways they never possibly could.  
Cas knew my body cell by cell, bone by bone, breath by breath.   
I'd never know the toil or time he'd put into rebuilding my body, making sure it was exactly as it was before, minus my scars I had at the time.   
I'd never know exactly what he saw when he first met me, broken, spiteful, and troubled - god knows what sort of torture tool in my hand - but he saw me nonetheless.   
I'd never know the fight he probably had to endure reuniting my soul with my body, my vessel.  
I wondered if I was stubborn when he was putting my soul back in my body, or what exactly was going through his mind at the time.   
Cas would undoubtedly tell me if I asked him, but a part of me never wanted to ask, because the way he treated me - or loved me, as he would say - was my answer.   
Cas knew me, body, heart, and soul.   
He'd taken a walk down all my emotions, fears, guilts, angers, joys, dreams, desires, and he'd continued on that journey with me all these years.   
Cas knew exactly how much I had suffered over the past near... well, my whole damn life in a sense.   
He had gotten to see all my emotions and memories in the palms of his hands, and as he had gotten to know me throughout these many years, he had learned what pieces went where, what parts made the whole.   
He had stuck around to see what made the machine tick, and what made the many, many parts of it, work in a chaotic harmony.   
No, Cas wasn't going to love me like a normal person, and not because he was an angel, beyond the lack of divinity of humanity, he was going to love me differently, because he knew what I needed, what I wanted.  
He knew what I longed for in the darkest depths of my mind, he'd seen my subconscious for himself in the palms of his hands.   
He knew what I wanted, even if I consciously didn't realize it.   
I would never understand it, but Cas saw me as the universe's most magnificent, most devine treasure, and he was going to treat me as such.

But maybe if I let him, maybe.. maybe one day, I would understand why.

I could barely breathe at this realization, overwhelmed, and emotional, hundreds and thousands of new feelings crashing over me like tsunami as Cas gazed adoringly at me.

"Why..." I found myself whispering, and I found my hands squeezing his as hysteria began to overtake me. "Why me..."

"Dean," he said softly, the same way he said it last night, voice thick with ardor as he gently untangled his hands from mine to cradle my face again. "Why _wouldn't_ it be you?"

I couldn't breathe, my breaths wet and choked, and I couldn't comprehend it, I just flat out couldn't understand what he was saying. I was as confused as Cas was whenever I said a movie reference during conversation. All I could think was: _why, why, why? I'm toxic, why do you want me?_

Cas said nothing, pulling me to his chest. He cradled my head next to his heart, his lips in my hair as he wrapped his arms around me.

_Thump._

_Thump._

_Thump._

I found myself curling into Cas, my fingers clutching onto his hoodie in a death grip.   
I wasn't sure what about the moment made me loose it.   
Maybe it was Cas, maybe it was the night before, maybe it was the fear, maybe it was all of it.

Or maybe it was the fact that for the first time in my life, I let someone comfort me, be strong for me.

Cas said nothing as I sobbed into his chest, just holding me so tightly against him, it hurt slightly, but I didn't care.   
I wanted him to hold me so tight, to let me know that it was okay to cry.

To miss my parents, to miss Bobby, Charlie, Jo, Ellen, Ben, Lisa - each and every single friend I'd lost. That it was okay to feel the pain and regret when I couldn't save others. To mourn over my mistakes, the bloodshed, the pain I'd caused myself and others.

All the pain I had bottled up for so many years, it all seemed to come out then, right there in Cas' arms.

I appreciated how Cas said nothing, didn't give me a crappy 'soothe talk'; one of those crappy pep talks when people tell you, "it's okay", or, "it not your fault". All that bullshit people always said when you cried.   
Cas didn't do that, just held me there, his tight grip never once lessening, and despite my hysteria, it grounded me, and eventually, I slowly began to calm down, until I eventually stopped crying.   
I felt weak against Cas' chest once I was done, the years and years of grief and buildup I had gone, and I felt empty without it.   
But as I relaxed into Cas further, I started thinking of all the good things, how hunting brought me back Sam, made him my brother again. I thought about all the lives, the families, the world we had saved. I thought about all the amazing people I'd met along my journey, and Cas, and all he and Sam had done for me.   
There was a lot of good in my life too, though it was just harder for me to see.

I took a breath, feeling Cas shift his grip on me, the sky turning blue as the sun rose higher.

"Dean?" Cas said softly, still cradling me to his chest, his heartbeat steady against my ear.

"Hmm," I muttered, wiping my face.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah," I chuckled, not wanting to move from this spot or from Cas' embrace, but I did.

Cas loosened his grip on me as I sat back up, under the sea, sky blue eyes assessing me in concern as I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing my forehead against his, closing my eyes.

"I'm perfect," I said softly, gazing at Cas for a brief moment before I pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

  
\-------------------

  
After Cas and I made out a bit, we finally decided to get up after both of our stomach started growling, much to our amusement.

After fixing our disheveled clothes and hair the best we could, we walked up to the door leading inside the bunker, and I suddenly started getting nervous.

"Think they know..? About.. Last night..?" I asked, shrinking away from the door the led inside the bunker, unable to bring myself to open it.

"Possibly." Cas straightened his hoodie some more as I glanced over at him. "You were very vocal, there is a chance we were overheard."

I flushed, scowling, looking back over at the door.

"Like you were so silent yourself..."

"I found it arousing; your sounds are beautiful Dean." Cas said bluntly, and I blushed, turning away.

"Stop." I demanded, my face burning with embarrassment, but there was a familiar twist in my abdomen at his confession.

He sighed.

"Humans are the only species embarrassed by sex, I don't understand..." he mused, walking up the steps to the door, turning to look at me. "Are you coming Dean?"

I nodded, stepping up the stairs, waiting for Cas to open the door, but when he didn't, I looked over at him.   
He smiled a little, stretching up slightly to kiss me, the kiss actually comforting me.   
He pulled away, gazing up at me with such warmth, I flushed again, looking down.

"As I've said before, I will leave everything up to you if you want to tell Sam."

I nodded, fear curling through my chest at the thought of telling Sam, and Cas put his hand on my shoulder, bringing me back down to earth.

I nodded to him, Cas gently kissing my cheek before opening the door, walking down the hallway as I followed him, closing the door behind us.

Cas was so much more affectionate that I had believed, and it was so.... _cute_. He was adorable, like a small teddy bear you wanted to wrap in your arms and protect from everything.   
But he seemed to have a coy side, something that only seemed to appear during our most intimate moments, and I intended to find out just exactly how coy that side was sometime.   
We made it to the kitchen entrance, the smell of food making my stomach growl, and Cas and I rounded the corner, Sam and Jazz talking and laughing at the stove, Jazz catching sight of us and smiling knowingly, and I swore internally.

"Hey guys, we were wondering where you were." She turned back to the stove, a coy grin on her face. "Are we going to have to make extra?"

"Yes." Cas said instantly and I dropped my head in my hands, Cas fully affirming Jazz's suspicions with the very word that was needed to confirm it.

"Glad you two made up." She said simply, smiling at us as she handed us each a plate of hash browns, eggs and bacon.

I was fighting back the blush that wanted to color my cheeks when Sam spoke up.

"You guys get in a fight or something?" Sam asked, looking over at us over his shoulder.

"Or something." Jazz shrugged. "It was just a misunderstanding."

Sam " _hmff'd_ " and nodded, continuing with cooking and Jazz winked at us, Cas too busy eating to notice, but I did and I blushed.

"So, how are you feeling Dean?" Sam asked, turning to look at me as Jazz took over cooking.

"Better." I admitted. "It's been a long year."

I stood up as Sam came over to me, pulling me into a crushing hug, his hair tickling my neck.

"I missed you." He said softly, and I nodded, pushing back my emotions as we pulled away.

"Well, I'm here now Sammy. And you got yourself a girl? Did you run over her dog?"

He scoffed, making a face.

"Very funny Dean. If you don't know, Jazz is a hunter." He gestured to her with a small smile. "Fell into the life when her fiancé was killed by a Wendigo a couple years ago."

Sam looked down and I frowned, looking over at Jazz.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"Thanks to your brother though, he helped me kill the bastard and prevented me from having the same fate." she smiled warmly at Sam and I grinned, happy to see them content with each other as I sat back down next to Cas.

"Well, I'm glad you guys are happy." I said, and Sam smiled the biggest smile at me, and I suddenly realized he had been just as scared telling me about her as I probably was going to be when I would eventually tell him about Cas.

"Thanks." Sam grabbed a plate of food, sitting across from me. "Not burned! Jazz has been teaching me how to cook."

"Oh really?" I looked over at Jazz, who smiled at me. "You cook?"

"Yeah. Learned a thing or two from my mom and grandma growing up. First time I made a meal, you'd think these two had never eaten in their life." She pointed at Cas and Sam and I laughed.

"We're used to things coming in a box or patty."

"So I've learned." Jazz brought an extra plate of eggs and hash browns and bacon to the table before grabbing her own plate and sitting next to Sam, who kissed her cheek. "Sam's favorite dish I make is the veggie casserole, and Cas' is my pecan pie."

I looked over at Cas, who noticed my stare and flushed.

"You like pie? You finally tried it?" I said in shock.

"Told me it was _\- "the most delectable pastry" -_ ever." she did a poor imitation of his voice and Cas blushed a deeper shade, and it was the most adorable thing, cheeks lighting up a soft pink, highlighting his dark stubble.

"It was!" Cas protested, still blushing as we all laughed. "Y-you should make some, for Dean. He loves pie."

"So you've told me Cas." Jazz smiled warmly at him, Cas blushing a bit more. "I'll make some for tonight, how does that sound Dean?"

"Awesome." I said over a mouthful of eggs and she chuckled, shaking her head, tweaking Sam's nose with her fingers.

"Sammy, do I have to teach you and your brother some manners now? You don't talk with your mouth full."

"Cas didn't need lessons?" I teased, Cas shooting me a dark look.

"No," Jazz smiled. "Cas is an angel."

"I'm technically not, I still don't have my grace."

"You're an angel either way, grace or not." Jazz said warmly, and Cas smiled shyly at the table.

It was so cute, the way he was blushing and smiling down at his food, and I felt a nearly overwhelming urge to kiss him, pull him tight against me and cradle him in my arms.

"So Dean." Sam said, and I abruptly realized I had zoned out staring at Cas, and I quickly looked away and back down at my food, shoveling up another forkful.

"Yeah."

"Do you remember anything about the past year?"

"Bits and pieces. It's kinda hazy."

He nodded.

"What do you remember?" he said slowly.

I frowned, putting down my fork, wanting to say some sarcastic remark, but I knew now wasn't the time.

"I remember helping her keep control of two groups, and having to... get rid of the failures." I sighed heavily, regretting every second of it. "I did everything for her and Nero, got the supplies, sometimes the people-"

I broke off, leaning my head hard on my clasped palms, and I felt a hesitant hand rest on my knee reassuringly, and I realized it was Cas comforting me, and it gave me the strength to continue.

"I was her water boy essentially, and I hate myself for it."

"Don't say that Dean." Sam said, Jazz nodding.

"You couldn't have done anything about it, Nira told us herself." Jazz said, and I sighed.

"Doesn't make me feel any better."

I could feel them frowning at me, a silence settling over the table, Cas' hand still on my knee, thumb rubbing against it gently.

"Well," Sam sighed, pushing around his food on his plate. "She is here in the dungeon. You can go talk to her. Get some closure."

I pondered it, finishing my plate, before nodding.

"Okay. I'll go see what I can get out of her."

"I'll come with you." Cas said quickly, finishing up his own food before pushing back his chair to stand up.

"Yeah, don't leave him alone Cas." Jazz said worriedly. "I don't trust her one bit."

"I won't." Cas said, putting his empty plate in the sink and I followed his lead.

"If you need us, we'll be right here." Sam said, his arm over Jazz's shoulders.

"Got it. Come on Cas." I turned around, walking out of the kitchen, Cas close behind me, Sam and Jazz talking in hushed tones as we left.

The walk was a tense, quiet one there, and I started getting nervous.

_What if I snapped again and Nira spat out some hoodoo on me? I didn't want a repeat of the last year, especially when I could barely remember it._

_Not to mention had gotten with Cas sooner..._

_With Cas..._

_Cas..._

His name just kept snaking it's way into my mind, popping up so easily, like it was second nature. I was beginning to think of things in double now, it no longer was a - I need to do this, or, I want to do this.   
Now, I was starting to add Cas into it, making things: _does Cas need this? Do we want this?_  
In a way, I was used to thinking this way, and I had with Ben and Lisa, but something about Cas... made it different. I still couldn't figure out or name how, or why, but it just was. And it wasn't the fact that he was my own sex and the first guy I'd ever been with, it was something more than that.

"Dean?" Cas pulled me out of my thoughts, and I realized we were outside of the room to the dungeon. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm good." I nodded, Cas scrutinizing me, already full well knowing that I wasn't. "Just a bit nervous I guess." I admitted, sighing heavily.

He frowned.

"She can't get you or do anything, her powers are bound by the cuffs. She's human."

I nodded, taking a breath and I opened the door, slowly stepping into the room. I pulled back the shelves that hid the dungeon area, revealing Nira bound to a chair in the middle of the devil's trap, her blue eyes lifting up to meet mine.

"Hey there Deano." Nira smiled from her chair charmingly at me, winking. "Did ya miss me?"


	22. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Chuck, I'm a terrible updater. ;-; 
> 
> I'm currently working to save for a computer and in the midst of writing a book to self publish, so I'm terribly sorry I'm lax on posting here. I do promise that I'll finish this, because the bane of my existence is unfinished stories. XD 
> 
> Anyways, much thanks for your guy's support as always, and here's the next chapta.

Twenty Two

I ignored her, walking into the room as she giggled, looking over at Cas as he followed me.

"Awe, if it isn't the cute little pair together at last." she sang, smiling at us. "When should I buy the tux and wedding dress? And who will wear the dress?"

"Shut up." I said, pulling out the second chair that was in the room, sitting on it as Cas leaned against the wall behind me, crossing his arms. "I have a few questions for you, and you're going to answer them."

"Of course Dean! Why, I would never lie to you." She pouted slightly, looking down. "I miss our times together."

"Yeah, well, you've had your fun."

"Oh, but so did you! You loved me coming into your cabin every night and wearing that- oh." she broke off, frowning dejectedly, looking at Cas behind me, then back at me. "You didn't tell him about our sleep overs?" she clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "Secrets are bad Deano."

"What is she talking about?" Cas demanded, and I dropped my head in my hands, regretting everything even more.

"That Dean and I enjoyed quite a few nights together, didn't we Deano?" She winked at me and I sighed, the hazy memories of those night becoming slightly clearer. "You _lived_ for them."

"You slept with her?" Cas said softly, his voice steady, but I could clearly hear the underlying pain in it.

"Tell him Dean. You don't want the foundation of your relationship with him to start on denial, do you? Oh, wait, I forgot, it already had." she laughed, the sounds bouncing off of the walls and I stared at the floor, ashamed.

"Yes." I said softly, unable to bring myself to look at him.

He said nothing, but I knew I didn't need to look at his face to see the pain and betrayal there.

"Do you guys need a minute alone?" Nira said, frowning at us. "If you just untie me, I'll let you guys fight then have angry sex all alone."

"Can it bitch." I snapped, rubbing my face wearily, sighing. "Cas, can I have a minute alone."

"No." he said quickly, harshly.

"Please?" I dropped my hands, forcing myself to look him in the eyes.

He wasn't meeting my gaze, a mix of anger, hurt and fear there, and it sent a cold chill through me.

_What if I screwed up so bad Cas would leave me?_

I wanted to choke at the thought.

"Cas?" I said tentatively, reaching out for his hand, hesitantly holding it, his hand limp in mine. "We'll talk about it later, okay?"

He didn't move for awhile, before his fingers finally wrapped around mine, and he lifted his gaze up to meet mine.

"I'll be outside the door." he said softly, his hand holding into mine until he was too far away to hold it, his fingers slipping out of mine as he walked out of the room, the door closing behind him softly, a thick silence falling over Nira and I, who I had forgotten was there until she spoke.

"Awe. You finally screwed the angel."

I sighed, facing back towards her, crossing my arms.

"Shut up."

She smirked, a wicked gleam rising in her eyes and I felt myself grow even more on edge, her gaze as malicious as a snake's.

"As I recall, you had your first - wet-ish - dream about your friend after I cast that desire spell on you. I tapped into the feelings you wouldn't admit to yourself, god forbid Cas himself. You should be thanking me."

"You used it for your gain." I said coolly, meeting her gaze levelly.

"Without me, you'd still be walking around the bunker swearing to yourself up and down that he was just a friend." She shrugged. "You'd still be telling yourself that those occasional questionable thoughts you had about him were normal. You'd still be in that deep, deep pit of denial. Hell, you're still in it. I can see it." She laughed.

I scowled.

"What's it to you if I am or not. I'm not the one on death row."

"I just love poking at my experiments. See how they've been cooking since the last time I saw them." She shrugged indifferently.

I stood up, stepping closer to her, Nira looking up at me.

"You're going to answer my questions," I said, before looking over at the table with the angel blade on it. "Or I'll start experimenting on you."

"Oh Dean." she feigned a shudder. "I get all tingly when you get all domineering."

"You'll get real damn tingly once I get started." I walked over to the angel blade, grabbing it before I sat in the chair in front of her, aiming the blade towards her. "So. Tell me, why the factions? What were you doing to them?"

"The first '" _faction_ "," she spat out my term like it was stupid. "Were like you. Humans with demon blood in their veins."

I blinked.

"What?"

"The other group you so lovingly dubbed the "hippies" - humans with grace in them."

I was silent, processing it.

"Why?" I finally said.

She burst out laughing, again, hitting me with that scorn that made me again feel incompetent.

"Because, it's the perfect monster." She smiled maliciously at me and my blood ran cold. "Angels without wings and halos to betray themselves, demons that are immune to holy water and devils traps."

She shrugged again.

"The perfect monsters that even hunters can't detect."

"What about Damon and Alice." I demanded.

"They were the strongest of the two groups if you remember." Nira began. "I needed them to make the perfect vessel for Lucifer."

"The- _what?"_

She rolled her eyes.

"Think about it, all of Lucifer's meatsuits - except your brother's - failed him. Now, why do you think that is?" she paused, giving me an opening to guess, but I said nothing.

"Because they weren't strong enough to hold him." she got this dreamy look on her face and I recoiled from her slightly. "Lucifer is an angel yes, but he's also fallen, the father of demons. He is both, divine and unholy. Light and darkness. So, since he is the balance of the two, shouldn't he have a vessel that is the physical manifestation of him?"

I just stared at her, a cold realization settling over me as I began to feel that this was going to take a sinister turn.

"So, once I had the strongest two from each side, I needed to combine them, but not into one or the other, because the host vessel would reject the latter. I had quite a few mishaps before I realized what was wrong." She looked at me, a wicked gleam in her eye and I went cold instantly. "I needed his one true vessel. Corrupted enough that he would have that vessel forever. But, alas, your brother had no weaknesses or guilt plaguing him, none outside the usual band of not dying or loosing you." She sighed, shaking her head pityingly, before looking back at me with a smile. "Then I realized, who better to corrupt than his guilt ridden, stuck in denial, self loathing older brother."

She laughed, and I leaned back in the chair, horror turning my blood to ice.

"And it was so easy." she was still laughing, trying to catch her breath. "And if your brother and angel pet didn't rescue you from my lab in the military bunker, this all would've happened sooner, but," she shrugged again, indifferent because she knew she had still gotten her way. "I was still able to see the effects the demon blood had with you. You healed faster, were more volatile, and susceptible to your base instincts. Of course, the effects wore off after you came back to this hole." she looked around the room. "But they happened nonetheless. And once I found your deepest weakness to be a graceless angel, the rest just fell into place, and I finished what I started."

She giggled, smiling beautifully at me, but her words made it ugly.

"So once I had you, all I had to do was bait you with Ben and Lisa, keep you on tenterhooks you know." She winked, and I couldn't breathe, my chest tight with agony and shame. "And then I knew that I would going to make Dean Winchester into Lucifer's perfect vessel." She sighed happily. "You were the perfect host body, and once I had gotten Damon and Alice's blood in you, you would've been unstoppable."

"But wouldn't Alice's blood have killed me?" I pointed out.

She shook her head.

"I thought so at first, but I realized something. You were already a demon once, your body had morphed itself into the perfect capsule to withhold that power. Your body was already strong, but you weren't like the other demons I made, because you let your emotions control you. All I had to do was flip on the switch."

"Why are you telling me all this." I hissed, growing angry. "You're lying aren't you."

"Because, I believe this scenario will happen one way or another. We'll always end up where we began. And come on Deano, you should trust me by now."

I glowered at her, my wrath hot and searing, and she sighed, looking up at the ceiling.

"How about I prove my honestly with a token? How about I give your precious angel his grace back?"

I narrowed my eyes, disbelief washing through me.

"You don't have his grace. You probably used it on some poor bastard."

"I almost did, but I figured his grace would come more in handy if I kept it on a shelf. I was right wasn't I?" she smirked.

"Where is it then." I hissed.

"Ask nicely Dean, where are your manners?"

"Where the hell is his grace!" I yelled, the chair I was sitting in scraping back as I launched myself to my feet, my face mere inches from her as I stared her down, her eyes meeting mine levelly, though there was a hint of fear in them.

"The secret room. In the back by the shelves, there's a hidden lever. Pull it, and he'll find it."

"It better be there when I get it." I hissed, Nira shrinking from me slightly. "Or you won't be breathing for long when I come back."

I stared her down for a few seconds, before finally moving away, straightening and walking out.

"If you want to find it," she called after me, my hand reaching for the doorknob. "You better bring your pet."

I took a heavy breath, trying to calm myself before I opened the door, Cas instantly stepping up to me as I closed it.

"I-I heard everything..." Cas said quickly, reaching up to cup my face with his hands. "Dean... I'm so sorry.."

"Pack up." I said softly, gently pushing his hands away, not looking at him. "She claims she still has your grace put away, and if we find it, we'll know if she's telling the truth."

"Dean..."

" _Go_." I commanded, not waiting for his response as I walked away from him down the hallway towards my room.

Once I made it inside my room, I closed the door, wanting to kick myself, wanting to scream, knowing I was a fucking idiot, reaching for something I should've known I couldn't have. Once things were dead, they were fucking dead and you didn't have the power to raise them unless you killed some part of yourself to get them back, whether it be damning your soul to hell, or dabbling with voodoo and hoodoo and god knows what other dark art or shadow.

_Things were called dead for a reason._

I wanted to do all that, but I didn't let myself.

I wrenched the duffle bag out from under my bed, throwing it on my bed as I yanked open my dresser, my picture of Sam, mom and I wobbling precariously.  
Not even caring what I was grabbing, I stuffed the fabric into the duffle bag, not caring to fold or sort them. Next, I went to my bathroom, grabbing my toothbrush, toothpaste and razor, tossing them in my bag.   
I stood up, debating on what else to take, when there was a soft knock at my door.

"What." I snapped, pushing the shit in my bag down so I could zip it up, swearing when I couldn't.

"Dean?" I heard Cas open the door and walk in, his steps slow and tentative. "I told Jazz and Sam everything. They wanted to come, but I insisted they stay to oversee Nira."

"Awesome." I muttered, pushing the things down further in the bag, finally getting the son of a bitch to close, picking it up and straightening. "You packed?"

"No, but I won't take long." Cas said softly.

"Great. I'll be waiting in the car." I brushed past him, not caring for him to agree or answer.

On my way to the garage, I was glad Jazz or Sam weren't there to pester me with stupid ass questions, or give me pitying looks.   
I fucked hated that look.   
The softening of the face, downturn of lips, softening of the eyes, expression screaming, _"oh you poor thing"._

Fuck that.

I shoved open the door to the garage, stomping down the stairs and over to the impala.   
I threw open the trunk, checking the FBI badges, the guns, the ammunition, the sharpness of my machete. I double checked that everything was ready, gave the impala some fresh oil, checking the gauges when Cas came in, solemn and quiet, a duffle bag in hand.

"Ready." I said, over the roof of the impala.

He nodded glumly, and I nodded.

"Put the bag in the back. Let's go. We need to get gas before we blow town." I got inside the car, slamming the door shut and starting the impala, her engine flaring as it started in a loud growl, before calming to a steady thrumming.

I heard the trunk being closed, the passenger door being opened a few seconds later, Cas sliding in, closing the door.

He quietly buckled his seat belt and I was off, pealing out of the garage, wheels squealing in protest at the sudden speed.

I drove too fast down the dirt road that led to the main road, the car bouncing and jostling us around like we were on a boat out at sea, metal groaning in protest to the abuse.   
Things sped up when I made it to the main road, arriving into town about twenty minutes later, pulling into the first gas station I saw.

"I'll be back." Cas said softly, and I huffed in response, getting out and preparing to fill the car with gas.

I was in the middle of paying when Cas came back, hoodie over his arms as he got in the car.

Having finished paying, I got back in the car and on the road once again, driving probably too fast, but I didn't really care. The driving was calming me, the straight line of asphalt stretching out as far as the eye could see. The white lane marks that passed by with every blink, straight and unwavering. The roar of the impala as she faithfully tore down the highway, obeying my every whim.   
I got lost in that, the simplicity of it, and my focus narrowed to simply that of the hum of the engine, and the black asphalt.   
I drove and drove and drove, the landscape changing and twisting, to towns, to farmland, to commercial land, to just plain wilderness.   
I vaguely noticed the sun setting, the sky turning a sherbet orange, then pink, then a purple blue, then navy blue, then black, stars popping up as if they had grown tired of their peek-a-boo game they had played all day.   
It wasn't until I took a drink of water much later, did I realize I was getting hungry.

"Dean?" Cas said tentatively about forty minutes later, the first word spoken since we left the gas station. "Could we stop soon? I-I need to relieve myself."

I nodded, flexing my stiff fingers over the steering wheel.

"We'll stop in the next town for the night."

I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye, and nothing more was said for the next fifteen minutes, the sky brightening in the distance with signs of civilization.   
Signs for restaurants and cheap tourist thrills began popping up everywhere, and right before we drove through the entire town, I pulled off of the highway, heading towards a lone motel on the outskirts.   
I drove into the parking lot, getting Cas and I a room, Cas staying outside and grabbing our things.   
I got the room, walking with Cas and opened the green motel room door, letting him inside, an old man smoking a cigarette a couple doors down, looking at us briefly before looking back out at the highway.   
Once inside, I turned on the lights, Cas putting our duffle bags on one of the twin sized beds before rushing to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.   
I walked back outside, grabbing my water from inside the car before locking it, taking a drag from it, putting my hands in my leather jacket pockets as I leaned on the side of the impala.   
The old man took a final drag of his cigarette, the faint, thick smell of it hitting me with the soft, cold breeze, and I watched him toss the cigarette to the ground, stamping the orange ember out with his foot. He took one last look over at me before disappearing inside his room, the door closing behind him.   
A harsher gust of ice cold wind hit me again, and I pulled the edges of my jacket closer together, pulling up my collar to try and battle the cold wind that tickled my neck.   
I heard the click of a lock, and I look over my shoulder to see Cas stepping out of our room, not looking at me as he closed the door with care, as if it was a delicate thing.   
I faced back forward, watching an eighteen wheeler go by on the highway, its trailer adorned in a series of yellow lights to expose itself.   
I felt Cas' presence as he stepped over to stand beside me, looking out at the freeway as I had been doing, dark hair twisting and dancing in the sharp gusts of wind.   
I looked back forward, drinking my water.

"Dean..?" I heard Cas say softly, hesitantly, and I didn't answer him, feeling him look at me as I looked down and noticed a dandelion growing out of a crack in the asphalt, only a few fuzzy puffs clinging to the mostly bare stem valiantly in the wind.

"Yeah." I said after I cleared my throat, looking back out at the highway.

"Are you alright?"

"Mmhmm." I muttered, looking down at him as he stepped in front of me, so close that the wind blew his scent over me.

_Wet wood and honey..._

I'd almost forgotten that smell, and the face that it was paired with over the last year.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he said softly, just barely loud enough to be heard over the highway noise and the wind.

"No."

His face fell, and my heart sank at the sight. He nodded then turned to go back into the motel room.

"Don't go.." I pleaded, my hand instantly reaching out to stop him as it landed on his forearm, and he stopped, not looking at me. "Please.."

He stood still for so long, I thought he was going to reject my request and go back into the room, but he didn't. He slowly turned back to me, turning around to lean on the car beside me.   
His arm was pressing up against mine, and it was nice, the simple touch, the assurance that he was there.   
I lifted my hand up, slowly resting it on top of his hand, my fingers falling in between his.   
He didn't respond for awhile, before his fingers tightened around mine slightly, pinkie curling over the top of mine.   
I took a heavy breath, then exhaled, long and slow, watching my breath fog up my view of the highway for a few brief seconds.

"I'm sorry." I sighed, chewing at my lip. "I'm sorry I've been such a dick to you today... it wasn't your fault, and I shouldn't have taken it out on you."

"Dean, you don't have to apologize, I understand. You have a right to be angry." He interjected, stepping in my line of sight when I wouldn't look at him.

"Don't try to excuse my behavior to you." I bit my lip, looking down at our feet, the dandelion dancing below us, and I could feel my face twist with pain and shame. "This is why I said I don't deserve you." I said softly, so quietly, I could barely hear myself. "I'm not good for you."

"Dean, stop."

I looked up at him, cerulean eyes already looking at me.

"I'm not excusing your conduct, nor am I angry with you for it. I am merely saying I understand that you are angry, and that you needed to work through your emotions. I just so happened to put myself in the line of fire, if you will."

"Castiel, don't you _dare_ blame yourself." I interjected, glowering slightly as he looked away. "I don't want to hear it. And you better not think it either you son of a bitch."

He slowly looked back up at me, the look in his eyes much like those of a puppy that had been scolded, and I sighed, reaching down and taking his cold hands in mine, putting them in my jacket pockets, warming them with my body heat and my hands, his hands in fists as my hands wrapped around his.

"Don't, Cas." I pleaded softly with him, his eyes cast down again, hair dancing in the wind. "It's not your fault."

He finally nodded slightly, looking up at me, and I smiled a little at him, taking my right hand out of my pocket and I brushed his hair back, curls tangling in my fingers.   
He seemed to blush slightly, and I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

He nodded, and I looked over my shoulder at the restaurant behind us.

"Why don't you go back inside and I'll get us something?"

"You don't want me to come?" he asked, eyes flickering to my lips, then back to my eyes, wide and innocent, like a child's.

"You're freezing. You should go take a hot shower to warm up." I squeezed his hands gently in my pockets, his fingers much warmer than they were before. "By the time I'm back, you'll be done. I'll just be next door."

He frowned, pondering it a bit before finally nodding, eyes flicking down to my lips again, then my eyes.

"Okay."

"Alright. I'll be right back."

I waited for him to move, but he didn't, just stared up at me, as if transfixed, and I couldn't bring myself to look away, his eyes just as captivating as they were the day we met.   
_And beautiful._  
I suddenly noticed that if you looked at Cas head on, his nose was like an upside down heart, the curves of his nostrils making up the round tops of the heart. I again marveled at his sharp jawline, the perpetual stubble that covered it, his cheekbones - everything about his face angular, bone structure fantastic. All of those details together only served to accentuate his eyes even more, and it was mesmerizing.   
Again, I wondered what he saw in me, why he was gazing at me like I hung the stars, made the constellations, and gave the sun light.   
I finally couldn't take his intimate gazing anymore, and I flushed, looking back down at the dandelion.

"You're beautiful Dean." Cas said softly, and I scoffed, looking out at the highway again.

"Yeah. Right."

"You are." I could feel him still looking at me, and I turned to look back at him. "Even though I can't see it like I could when I had my grace, I can still see your soul in your eyes. You have a beautiful soul Dean, and anyone can see that."

"Stop." I was blushing now, taking his hands out of my pockets. "Go inside and shower already."

"You could join me." He said coolly, and I jerked my eyes back up to his.

Of course, he was gazing at me, deadpan expression on his face as his offer hung in the air, but I could see that underlying hope in his eyes.

"I need to get our food. Besides, we haven't eaten since breakfast." I shrugged helplessly, though I did want to join him now that his invitation sent a wave of enticing images through my head.

He sighed softly, a soft sound as he nodded finally.

"Eating is so cumbersome..." he muttered and I chuckled. "I'll see you when you return." he said once I stopped laughing, his hands clutching onto my jacket, as if he didn't want to let me go.

"What do you want?" I asked, my breath quickening as his gaze flickered to my lips again, and my heart skipped a beat.

 _God Winchester, you're not a fucking girl, your heart doesn't skip_... I thought to myself, but my heart did a strange thing nonetheless.

"I will have what you have." He said simply, eyes now locked on my lips, and even though I wasn't really sure that I was comfortable with kissing the guy in public yet, he was making me almost toss that idea out of the window.

"Okay." I breathed, frozen, watching his pink tongue dart over his lips, that sinful tongue of his.

He finally looked back up at me, nodding, and to my disappointment, he stepped back, and I suddenly realized he had been pressing up against me, and with his absence, I felt cold.

"Hurry back." he said, pulling out the motel room key as he walked away, slipping inside our room once he unlocked the door.

I exhaled, watching my breath rise in the air as I tried to recollect myself.   
Once I got my head back somewhat, I patted my pockets, finding my wallet then started making my way over the restaurant across the mostly empty parking lot and inside, standing in line behind this brother and sister who bickered playfully and I felt an ache as I missed Sam.   
After I ordered two burgers and fries a few minutes later, I crossed my arms and waited, my thoughts drifting.   
I began to think of Cas, the look in his eyes when he had been looking at me, flushing as I thought about him talking about my soul and how beautiful I was. Then I thought about his invitation.   
I suddenly realized Cas was showering as I stood there, and I felt warmth at that. I wondered what he looked like under the running water, and I found myself picturing Cas bare in the shower, the water rolling off of his tanned skin, the steam from the water, the paths the water would take as it rolled off of his sinewy body. The way his muscles rippled under his skin as he washed his body, bubbly soap contrasting sharply against his sand colored skin. Or the way his bare ass looked with the water running off of it.-   
I could feel my body begin to betray my thoughts, and I adjusted myself, pulling my jacket down a bit and forced myself to think of something else, _anything_ else.

 _Think about food_ , I told myself. _Yeah, food is safe to think about._

It helped that I was starving and the restaurant made my mouth water from the smells, and after some focus, it worked. I was proud of myself for thinking of a safe thing to use in the future if I needed it.

That is, until I made it back to the motel room. After I closed the door and turned around to see Cas, I'd of kicked myself for not staying if I wasn't so damn hungry because _son of a bitch._  
His chest still damp and he was clad in only sweatpants that sat low on his hips and did nothing to hide the swell of his ass as he tried off his hair with a towel.  
I had to turn on the TV in an effort to distract myself as I sat down to eat - Cas joining me after he put on a t-shirt - turning it to some car garage show, which was showing the restoration process of an old, rusted Plymouth, but as nice as the car was turning out, I kept finding myself looking over at Cas.   
I knew as soon as Cas started eating, that food was no longer a safe topic to distract myself with as I watched the way Cas' plush lips wrapped around his burger each time he took a bite, eyelids fluttering shut with almost every bite like it was the most incredible thing he'd ever tasted. I was internally swearing to myself, because with Cas, he seemed to make almost everything sensual, and what was worse, was the fact that he wasn't even trying.  
Or maybe that made it even better.   
As the minutes passed, I found myself amused with watching the way his hair dried as we finished eating. I watched it go from hanging in onyx strands over his forehead, to slowly curling and puffing up and lightening to the dark brown it usually was as it dried. Later when he pushed his hair back with his hand, it obediently stuck up in his usual -just rolled out of bed and didn't give a fuck - mess, and I found my fingers aching to run through it, but I withheld myself.   
When I got up to shower once we finished eating, I tried to ignore my semi hard on that had come on during dinner, but of course, when I eventually had to clean myself off, I just gave in to my lust.   
I got a good picture in my head going with Cas being in there with me, pretty pink lips wrapped around my cock as I was leaning hard against the shower wall as he laved my length with his tongue and fucked me with that sinful mouth of his, but right as I was nearing my end, the water ran ice cold and I lost it.   
Turned off, frustrated, and growing weary, I dried off and dressed, making my way back into the room, Cas sitting on the edge of one of the beds watching the same car garage show.

"I'm going to bed Cas." I muttered, pulling back the covers and falling into the bed.

I heard the TV being shut off, the remote being put down somewhere.

"Dean..?" Cas said hesitantly after some silence, and without opening my eyes, I hmm'd at him. "Did you mean to get two beds..?"

I opened my eyes staring at the wall, suddenly really realizing that I had gotten two beds, and though it was second nature for me to get two beds for Sam and I, a part of me was still scared of being with Cas, and I didn't want to sleep in the same bed as him.

_"-You'd still be in that deep, deep pit of denial. Hell, you're still in it.-"_

"Yes." I said now, hating the twinge of guilt gnawing at me as soon as I said the word.

I heard the sound of covers being pulled back, the soft padding of feet, then bedsprings sighing as Cas got into the second bed, the lamp being turned off and leaving us in darkness.

"Goodnight Dean."

"Night." I said softly, telling myself it was done with and to go to bed already.

Silence fell over us and I rolled onto my back, listening to the heater kick on, running for awhile before turning off, then repeating when the room started to get cold again.   
I rolled to my side, watching the red numbers on the alarm clock change as time passed.

**11:24pm.**

Cas didn't move from where he'd laid about an hour ago, a thick lump under the covers.

**11:43pm.**

I tried counting all the cars that went by to see if I could calm myself enough to sleep.

**12:03am.**

I sighed in frustration, looking over at Cas' bed, who hadn't moved or made a sound beyond breathing.

"Cas?" I whispered. "Are you awake?"

I got no reply, and I was about to roll onto my back when I heard him.

"What is it Dean?" he said softly.

"I can't sleep." I said dumbly, sounding like a petulant child asking for something that couldn't be fixed to be remedied.

Another pause.

"I can't either."

I nodded to myself, staring up at the ceiling, thinking to myself.

"Can I sleep with you?" I said quickly, snapping my mouth shut from embarrassment.

_God, what was I five now?_

A pause, longer than the last two and I cringed, wishing I hadn't said anything until he spoke.

"Is that a flirtation?" he said finally, and I could hear him moving on his bed.

"What?"

"Are you asking to have intercourse with me Dean?"

I burst out laughing, pushing myself up to sit, rubbing my face.

_Not that I'd mind..._

"No, I meant _sleep_ in the same bed as you."

"Oh." he said and I chuckled. "Of course Dean, I'd like that very much."

"Okay." I pushed back my covers, standing, stepping forward and feeling around for Cas' bed, finding it and helping Cas pull back the covers.

Once I laid down, got the covers around me and comfortable, I was facing Cas on my side, and I could faintly feel his breath on my skin, though I couldn't really see him.

"Hi." I said softly, staring in the direction he was, his outline all that was visible to me in the dim light.

"Hi." he repeated, and I huffed a small laugh. "You seem content."

"Got some food in me now."

"You get cranky after awhile if you don't eat." He mused.

"Hangry."

"Hangry..? I don't understand what that means Dean."

"Hangry," I moved my hand up to rest at my side, Cas' hand already there, and he lifted his fingers to rest over mine. "It's a term that means you just get angry when you're hungry. Or grumpy."

"It suits you."

I rolled my eyes in the dark.

"Gee, thanks Cas."

"Oh Dean," I felt Cas getting up, pushing back the covers, and I closed my eyes as he turned on one of the lamps. "I got you something."

"You did?" I said in surprise, no longer upset at the sudden blinding of the light that had the back of my eyelids seeing twin yellow orbs.

I heard him dig through some fabric, before finding what he was looking for, feet padding on the floor as he walked over to me.

"I hope you like it." he said bashfully, getting back on the bed as I squinted my eyes, trying to get my eyes to adjust, Cas gently picking up my hand and placing something small in my palm.

I blinked, wrapping my fingers around it and lifting it up to look at it.   
In my hand was a tiny plastic miniature slice of a cherry pie that was surprisingly realistic, a metal hoop at the top so you could put it on a necklace or use it as a sort of keychain.   
It was cheesy, but also the cutest thing ever.

But come on, I wasn't some needy girl that needed presents to feel loved.

"You don't have to buy me things Cas." I said, turning the tiny pie over in my fingers.

He frowned.

"But I wanted to."

"And I'm saying you don't have to feel obligated to buy me things."

I looked over at him, fiddling with the mini pie slice.

"You don't like it?"

"I didn't say that." I looked away, putting the pie on the nightstand next to me.

He said nothing, and I rubbed my eyes, yawning.

"Could you turn the light off Cas?"

He silently complied to my request, darkness falling over us as he laid down next to me, shoulder brushing against mine.

I sighed, closing my eyes, finally getting tired and was drifting off when Cas rolled over, wrapping himself around me, leg falling over mine, arm draped over my chest, hair tickling the side of my face before he pressed a gentle kiss to my jawline.

I was surprised, caught off guard by the way he was draping himself over me like a blanket.

"Uh, Cas?" I said slowly, just lying still as he rested his head on my shoulder.

"Yes Dean?"

"Could.. you uh, could you give me some space?"

He lifted his head, and I could tell he was looking at me.

"You said you wanted to sleep in the same bed; human couples who occupy the same bed often cuddle. I thought you wanted that."

"Uh.. well.. yes, they do." I admitted, trying figure out how to phrase my words without hurting him. "But I need my space, and there's also a thing known as sides of the bed." I patted the side I was laying on. "This is my side, the other side is yours."

"Are you saying we stick to our sides Dean?"

"Yes." I said, chewing at my lip as I felt a bit guilty for kicking Cas over to the other half of the bed.

"I apologize." He said, untangling himself from me, moving over to the opposite side of the bed, and it instantly felt cold without him, but I didn't feel so restrained anymore.

"It's fine." I said, rolling over to my side, pushing away the slight guilt and closing my eyes.

Cas stayed on his side for the rest of the night, and was the first to get up the next morning, going to the bathroom to dress, his soft noises slowly waking me up.   
I hadn't moved from laying on my side all night, and I was a bit stiff.   
Getting up, I stretched, the miniature pie slice still sitting on the nightstand.   
After some thought, I picked it up, tucking it away in the safety of my leather jacket pocket.   
Once Cas finished dressing, I followed his lead, coming out ten minutes later, packing up our things.   
Cas put everything in the impala as I checked us out, and after picking up a quick bite to eat at the restaurant next door, we hit the road again.  
We passed the state line for South Dakota an hour or so later, and the drive was pretty nice.   
Cas was a nice companion, and he had much better taste in music than Sam, enjoying a majority of the songs I did, although he insisted the Neanderthals had the best music style to date. When we got tired of music, we talked.   
Cas told me about the last year, and that Jazz had been a helpful addition to hunting, ignoring Sam when he tried to bench her, but she said - " _as long as he was hunting, so was she"_. Cas spoke highly of her, telling me how she had taught him to cook a few things, and helped him with "being human".   
He told me about how she had dragged him to the some department store I'd never heard of, not letting him leave until he had gotten himself - he quoted - " _actual fitting clothes",_ and I couldn't help but chuckle at that.   
But I had to admit, from what I'd seen of Cas' wardrobe, Jazz had done a damn public service.  
Cas wore jeans that were form fitting from the waist to the knee, then flared out, accentuating his deliciously thick thighs I could never appreciate - or noticed - before with his long trench coat hiding virtually everything. Not to mention his fantastic backside that I'd caught myself admiring more than I'd like to admit when we took rest stops.   
He seemed to like sweaters and layers though, today wearing a navy blue sweater over a button up sky blue shirt, the collar peeking out of the neck of the sweater, damn well looking like someone who should be modeling for some pretentious, overpriced, fancy clothing store.   
How he managed to tone it down and make it work, I would never know.  
Maybe it was the soft glow of his eyes when he would smile at something I said, or the usual chaotic mess of his chocolate brown messy, wavy hair.   
Or maybe it was just Cas himself.

Later that night when we stopped at a motel on the Montana/North Dakota border, I just got a room with one bed, blushing when the lady behind the counter smiled knowingly at me when Cas walked in behind me after I paid.   
Later after Cas and I ate at some Italian restaurant he insisted on trying, he surprised me with yet another small gift that he had somehow gotten without me noticing during the course of that day.   
This time, it was a simple braided leather bracelet, which he put on my right wrist before we went to bed, ignoring my protests about it and that he needed to stop buying me things.   
He also ignored my protests of having sides of the bed, wrapping himself around me like a huge koala, quickly falling asleep against me, breaths soft and slow.   
I'm not sure how long I laid there without moving or wrapping my arms around him, just flat out unable to sleep because he was just in my space in every way possible, more clingy than Lisa ever was, and I wasn't sure how to feel about it.   
I fell asleep at some point though, waking up to find my head cradled on Cas' shoulder, our legs tangled together under the sheets, sharing each others warmth and Cas slept on, arms wrapped around me possessively like he never wanted to let me go.   
We took our time getting up that morning, and I decided to take Cas to a little diner across the street for breakfast. Cas thanked me for it with a kiss, and I was blushing and pushing him away, but he didn't seem to mind, eyes twinkling as he smiled at me.   
And god, I found myself tempted so many times to take pictures of him with my phone, because I had never seen him smile as much as I did these last forty eight hours, than I had in the last nine years I've known him.   
There was one time when he laughed at the story I was telling him about Sam and I as kids, jumping off of the shed pretending to be super heroes and how Sam broke his arm, and it was like time froze.   
I was awestruck at how utterly gorgeous he looked when he smiled - lips exposing straight teeth as they curled up, gum line showing, eyes crinkling on the edges. His entire face scrunched up when he laughed, and I thought of the wrinkles on a bulldog, finding them very much the same on Cas, and just as adorable.   
And god, his laugh was beautiful too, deep and rumbly, almost like a purr.   
I wanted to hear and see the smile paired with it again and again, and I probably made a fool out of myself telling Cas endless stories of me and Sam's stupid ideas and embarrassing moments as kids, but it was worth it, because I was rewarded with a beautiful smile each time, and sometimes, even a laugh.   
We hit a pretty big rainstorm a couple hours out from our destination, and we actually had to pull over because the visibility was so poor.   
I jumped pretty badly when a sudden loud clap of thunder resounded over us, and I collided into Cas, and when I turned to apologize, he was mere inches from my face, breath tickling my skin, eyes on my lips as the pounding of the rain drowned out even my own pounding heartbeat.   
I finally got the guts to kiss him, his hands instantly clutching onto my jacket like it was a lifeline, devouring my mouth like it was how he breathed, and his intensity blew me away. Despite how eager and unpracticed his kisses were, they were perfect; mouth tasting of the soda he had drank at lunch, hands wide and warm against my face. We were so close, his lashes brushed against my cheeks a few times, my skin tingling in response.   
It was bliss.   
I wanted to take things a step further, but Cas suddenly froze up, pulling away and going into his stoic shell, refusing to tell me what was wrong despite all my coaxing and pleading.   
The next couple hours were quiet and tense, the happy bliss of earlier gone.   
He said nothing through dinner, even though I took him to an authentic Italian restaurant, nothing when I offered to buy dessert, nothing when I got us the motel room, nothing when we climbed into bed together, not even rolling over to cuddle me.

"Cas?" I asked, unable to stand the silence after hours, lying awake in bed next to him unable to sleep. "You awake?"

He didn't respond, just shifted slightly, and I knew he was awake. Rolling over to him, I propped myself up on my elbow, putting a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, talk to me."

He didn't respond, before he finally rolled onto his back, the faint light from the window bleaching his skin a sallow color, the trees outside the window bending with the wind as the storm outside raged on.

"There's nothing to say Dean."

"Uh-huh." I rolled my eyes, moving to lay on my stomach, pressing up against him as I propped myself up on my elbows. "You've been as silent and mysterious as Boo Radley, what's wrong."

He sighed, looking out the window, the raindrops running off the window in rivulets.

"Cas." I wanted to comfort him, pull him to my chest, but I wasn't sure how to. "Was it something I did?"

He took a breath, clearly collecting his thoughts and I readied myself for his response.

_Finally, now I'm getting somewhere._

"Did you have intercourse with Nira?" he finally said, not looking at me and it finally hit me, realizing we had never talked about it like I said we would.

"Yes." I said dully, looking out the window. "At first, I rejected her advances, but I stopped after I got more and more involved with her work and deeper in my inner demons I guess you could say." I sighed, again, wishing I hadn't fallen for her trap. "I shouldn't have given into her, and I shouldn't have let her use me that way. I should've known better, but I didn't."

_And now I'm going to lose you because of it..._

He didn't say anything, and I felt cold, moving away, pushing back the covers.

"Where are you going." He said tonelessly.

"I'm going to sleep on the floor." I grabbed my pillow, pulling out my jacket to wrap myself in.

He said nothing, and I got somewhat comfortable on the floor, hoping to god that nothing gross was on the carpet since you couldn't wash it like damn bedsheets.

"Dean..."

"What Cas?"

"Come back."

"No."

He sighed, and I heard the bed groan as he moved, his face suddenly appearing above me.

"Dean, please. I-I didn't mean to get angry... I.. I just despise Nira and the thought of you and her-" he broke off, and I felt guiltier than ever. "She's done so much harm in the last year, stolen my grace, and used you..."

"I know." I whispered, ashamed.

"Please come back Dean, I'm sorry."

I sat up at that, Cas leaning back a bit to give me room, but I cupped his face, gently making him look at me.  
"Don't say you're sorry." I commanded, barely able to make out his features in the dim light. "You have nothing to be sorry for, _I'm_ the one who fucked up, I'm the one who slept with her, not you. I'm the one who should be saying sorry, and I'm sorry. I am."

He said nothing, just pulled away from my grasp, pushing back the covers.

"Come back to bed," he said, gently grabbing my hands and pulling me up, guiding me back into the warmth of the bed. "It's cold."

I did, letting him pull me into his arms and tuck the covers around me, pulling me in so my head was resting on his shoulder, his arms cradling me to him.   
We lay in silence for awhile, just listening to the rain fall, the wind howling outside.

"You better not be somehow blaming yourself in that head of yours." I lifted my head, looking down at him, his eyes staring unseeingly up at the ceiling. "Do you remember what we talked about before we slept together?"

He looked at me, a small smile coming over his face.

"Of course. That was one of the happiest nights of my existence."

I flushed, forcing myself to stay on point.

"That still applies here. You will not blame yourself, or take this on as your burden, because it's mine, not yours."

"Dean, what am I to you?"

I blinked, thrown off.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," he paused, and he seemed to be embarrassed, and I reached over my shoulder, grabbing his hand, pulling it forward and intertwining my fingers with his, and it seemed to give him the courage to continue. "Well... it's human custom to name and categorize things, as well as relationships."

He looked at me, and it looked like he was blushing.

"Such as when a woman and a man are together romantically, they're called a couple. There's boyfriends and girlfriends, fiancé's, husbands, wives... and they all share any burdens they may have with their partner..." he trailed off, looking away, and I knew where he was going with it, before he looked down at our hands, seemingly unable to meet my eyes again. "So... I-I was wondering where I fell in. With you... a-and.. if you'd share your burden with me."

I didn't say anything, following his gaze down to our intertwined hands, fingers tangled together.

_How did I really feel about Cas? What was he to me? Could I really allow myself to let him shoulder some of my burden?_

Those were such a loaded questions, and sent a riot of thoughts and feelings through me.

But I knew the way I saw him was not the way a best friend looks at his friend, much less kiss or have sex with.

He was more than a friend, he was my equal, the one thing that grounded me and knew me even better than I probably knew myself.

But was he more than just a best friend, a lover?

I looked up at his face again, eyes still looking down at our hands, and he let go of my hand, fingering the bracelet that he gave me, which only came off when I showered, and went right back on afterwards.

I looked at the lines of his face, sharpened by the shadows, his 5'oclock shadow, the way his lashes kissed his cheeks when he looked down, or even when he slept.   
Again, it hit me that this face, this creature, was the only thing that truly knew me, scars, laughs, darknesses, and light.   
He knew every in and out of me, but loved me unfailingly, and as much as I had trouble admitting it to myself, I loved him the same way.

I leaned forward to kiss him, Cas automatically kissing me back after he recovered from his surprise.

"Castiel," I started off, trying to ignore my inner fears, prides, and voices that wanted to keep me from saying what I wanted to. "You are my best friend, the one who sees the best in me." I heaved a heavy breath, trying to keep myself together. "The one who - gripped me tight and raised me from perdition." He chuckled when I did a poor imitation of his voice, the sound sunshine in the dark. "Cas... you are so many things to me... I can't even name some, because there aren't words." I admitted, looking down at our hands, which had intertwined again. "You are just so, so many things, that I'm not even going to try to put you in one thing, because it won't do you justice." I took another breath, watching our hands rise and fall on Cas' chest from his breaths. "So... that's why I will call you my everything, because that's the best thing that is a word, that can describe what you are to me. So when someone asks what you are to me," I faltered when I noticed the watery look on Cas face, like he was seconds away from loosing it, but I forced myself to finish. "I want you to tell them that you are my everything. Because you are more than-" I paused, then pushed down my inner prejudice and fear of the word, continuing. "-My boyfriend." I smiled a little at him, Cas seemingly frozen in my gaze, eyes wide and glistening. "You are more than just that, and I will not do you the disgrace of pretending that damned word does you justice."

"Dean..." Cas said softly, trailing off, moist eyes wide in awe as he squeezed at my hands, clearly at a loss as to what to say.

I was caught off guard when a tear rolled down his face, Cas blinking rapidly as he touched his damp cheek, as if he wasn't sure if it was his.

_He's crying..._

I was just as in shock as Cas, since I had never seen him cry. Not once.

"Cas..." I said, at a loss as what to do, but I did the first thing that felt right.

I hesitantly brushed his tears away with my thumb, only for more to replace them.

"Come here," I said, sitting up, helping Cas up before I pulled him in for a hug.

"I-I don't understand what's happening..." Cas sniffed, and I laughed.

"I dunno Cas, human feelings are weird like that." I smiled as I heard him chuckle against my chest.

"I thought humans only cried when they were in pain."

"Well," I rubbed his back, resting my chin on top of his head. "Humans cry from joy too."

"Why? I don't understand."

"Probably 'cause they're so damn happy, all that extra sunshine boils over into tears." I shrugged, watching the trees outside sway.

"Is that why you were crying the night we first engaged in sexual activities?"

I laughed, taking a breath as I chewed on the bottom of my lip, clearing my throat.

"Sure," I muttered.

"Were you?" Cas pulled away, eyes a wet blue, cheeks damp as he gazed at me. "Do I make you so happy that the extra sunshine boils over?"

I flushed, rubbing the back of my neck, my mouth full of cotton balls as I tried to find my words.

"A simple nod would suffice Dean."

I gave him a quick nod, averting my eyes from him.   
He said nothing, the silence panning out between us for so long, I finally looked over at him.   
Cas was just gazing at me, and something about it was different, and I couldn't look away.   
His heart was in his eyes, blue, shining orbs of pure adoration, affection, and love.   
I was again reminded how he had fallen to pieces for me, cut and bleeding, not once caring that he was tearing himself apart from me. It hadn't mattered to him, not so long as I had everything.   
And now that I had told him the words he never realized he had wanted to hear for years, nothing else I could've said or done, not even say I love you, would've carried the same weight.

Now, finally, we were equal.

Tightening my arms around him, I pulled him in for a kiss, Cas returning my gentle kiss.   
He wrapped his arms around my neck, pulling me tighter against him, and I replied in same by wrapping my arms around his waist.   
As the kiss deepened, I found myself wanting to show him, really assure him what I meant, give him my everything.   
He broke the kiss for air, and I pressed gentle kisses down to his neck and along the opening of his t-shirt, Cas' hand falling to rest on his handprint on my bicep, fingers curling around it.  
I nibbled along his neck until I found his soft spot, Cas gasping as I gave it special attention, running my hands along his sides. Cas leaned into my touch, exhaling sharply as I pushed my hands under his shirt, letting my fingers glide over his flushed skin.   
Cas reached down to pull at his shirt, impatient to get it off, and I couldn't help but laugh, helping him remove the fabric then toss aside his shirt.   
I barely got a chance to run my fingers over his chest when he was tugging at my shirt, eyes bright and concupiscent.

"Looks like you're getting better at this," I teased after Cas had removed my shirt with little trouble.

He rolled his eyes, and I laughed again, my laugh bleeding into a groan when he kissed me, that sinful tongue plundering my mouth as his hands caressed my bare skin. I laid Cas back down on the bed, never once breaking the kiss as I hovered over him.

"My turn," I breathed against his ear as we both broke the kiss for air, Cas shuddering in response.

Moving down, I pressed gentle kisses along his upper chest, Cas panting softly as I found all his scars - as he had with me - mapping them all out then connecting them with kisses, making constellations out of them as I went lower and lower. I rubbed his body gently with my hands, seeking out the knots and gently working them out, relaxing him as I worshipped his body, feeling him open himself up to me bit by bit in a series of soft sighs and whimpers.   
It was easier kissing and exploring him this time around, his body not so daunting as it had been the first time around. The longer I spent kissing and touching him, figuring out what made him writhe or sigh, the more comfortable I became.   
His form was beautiful in the gloomy light, skin seemingly ethereal, his toned chest rising and falling rapidly with his breaths, his fingers in my hair as I kissed his body.   
As I moved lower and lower, I shoved back the bedsheets, revealing the tent forming in Cas' pants, and although the change of scenery from my usual canvas was still a bit jarring, it wasn't as nerve wracking as the first time.   
After asking his permission, we both awkwardly fumbled to rid the other of the last layers separating us as we laughed, sighing in tandem once we were bare.   
I finally got my mouth on those damn thighs I'd been admiring these last two days, finding them an erogenous zone for Cas, much to my enjoyment. I pressed open mouthed kisses along them and left marks, the hair along them tickling my mouth slightly, but I didn't care, because Cas was gasping and moaning, thighs quivering beneath my mouth as he gripped the sheets.   
Pulling away, I whispered for him to roll over, and when he did, I had to admire the new view because _damn_.   
His ass was round and just as beautiful as his jeans and sweatpants made it out to be, and I couldn't help myself from reaching down and kneading the skin with my fingers, Cas sighing into the pillow as I leaned down to pepper soft kisses along his shoulders.   
He slowly relaxed even further as I began to rub his shoulders, working out more of the tightness and knots, kissing his skin and listening to him sigh and hum underneath me.   
As I got lower, he squirmed a bit when I draped my fingers over his side, and I realized he was ticklish, grinning as I tickled him, watching him squirm and laugh, begging me to stop, and I shut him up with a kiss, Cas humming into my mouth when I rubbed his lower back, working out a particularly tight knot.

"I would like to try something, if you want." I said softly as I came back up once I finished working out that knot, nibbling at his earlobe and he shivered.

He nodded, leaning into my body, and I pressed a kiss to the side of his mouth.

"Wait here." I said softly, Cas nodding as he rolled onto his back and I got off of the bed.

I could feel him watching me as I dug through my duffle bag, finding what I needed before I returned, sitting in between Cas' spread thighs as he propped himself up on his elbows to inspect what I had brought.

"I always bring this with me..." I admitted, holding up the small bottle of lube, looking down as I felt a blush color my cheeks. "I-it can be useful sometimes-" I trailed off, too embarrassed to continue.

"What are you trying to say Dean?" Cas queried, reaching up to hold my free hand.

"I-I.. I would like to try something..." I said softly, barely able to hear myself, but Cas gazed at me non-judgmentally.

"What is it Dean?"

I flushed, too embarrassed to say as I rubbed the back of my neck.

"Never mind."

Cas took the lube bottle from me, inspecting it with critical eyes.

"You want to try anal sex, Dean?"

I blushed, clearing my throat and shifting uncomfortably.

"Jeez... could you say it any bolder..."

"Well, I could go into the technical facets of it."

" _No_ , I'm good Cas." I sighed, taking the bottle back from him, turning away. "Never mind."

"No," Cas gently grabbed my arm, keeping me from leaving. "I want to make you happy Dean, and I am open to anything you have in mind, so if you would like to try-"

"-Don't say it," I interrupted.

"-intercourse," Cas supplied. "Then I am open to that."

I took a breath, looking down at the bottle and his hand on my forearm, taking a breath, trying to ignore the anxiety eating at my chest.

"Really?" I said quietly, for a lack of anything else.

"Of course Dean." Cas pulled my hand up, kissing the back of my hand, and I chuckled when the bottle bumped his nose. "Whatever you wish."

"Well, just as long as you're okay with it too Cas, and... Then on that note, I would like to try that- with you."

"I'm okay with that."

"So... You're okay if I-?" I gestured between him and the lube, unable to say it as I flushed.

Cas reached up and lightly tangled his fingers in my hair, gently pulling me down to kiss him, lips soft and comforting.

"You have my permission," he whispered against my lips, and he kissed me again, and it eased my anxiety.

"So you uh, know what I'm asking for..?" I queried against his lips, wanting to be sure Cas knew exactly what I was wanting.

He broke the kiss, giving me a dubious look.

"Dean, I've been alive since the dawn of time, I know which couple first discovered anal sex. I know that you're asking-"

" _Okay_ I've heard enough." I scowled at him.

He frowned at me.

"I'm not a child as you seem to think, Dean."

"I didn't think anything."

"Well, you treat me as such."

"Oh Cas," I chuckled, kissing him before he could retort, nipping at his bottom lip in that way that I knew would make him gasp, as it did. "I just wanted to make sure you understood exactly what I meant, that's all."

He sighed, the scowl on his face receding some, but practically having a damn PhD in Cas' minutiae expressions, I could see the near-imperceptible quirk at the corner of his mouth.

"I'm not a 'baby in a trench-coat', Dean." He feigned a pout, and I played along.

"I should hope not, then you'd be too young for me," I teased, kissing his neck.

"On the contrary, it seems I'm too _old_ for you."

"I guess you're just my type then."

"You like your everything to be older, Dean?"

My humor went over his head, and I shook my head with a sigh.

"I like my everything to be _you_ , Cas, that's what I mean."

"Oh." A smile suddenly broke across his face, and it took my breath away. "I like my everything to be you as well, Dean."

"And I would like my everything to kiss me a little more and talk a little less," I murmured against his cheek, stubble tickling my lips.

"I enjoy our talks Dean," Cas said breathlessly, turning to kiss my cheek before pulling me in for a deep kiss, still gasping words out between lip-lock. "I enjoy talking to my everything."

"I think you're starting to wear the word out Cas," I teased, running my hand down his side.

"I-I like the word," Cas rasped, tangling his hands in my hair and kissing me so fervently it made my chest beat with warmth and desire, and all nervousness about my request was gone, and I was left with pressing need for him.

"Fair enough," I relented, pulling away from his grasp, my hands shaking slightly as I opened the bottle and poured some lube in my palm before putting the bottle aside. "I-I think this will be easier if you roll on your stomach, and... tell me if I'm doing something wrong.."

I flushed, unable to look him in the eye again as I tried finding that confidence I'd always had whenever I'd slept with someone, but Cas was not just someone. Not just some face I'd forget about within hours after they'd left, forget their name. Cas was more than that, and it terrified me that I'd mess it all up with one wrong move.

"Of course Dean, I trust you." Cas reiterated as he sat up.

It surprised me when he pulled me in for a gentle kiss, his arms wrapping around me in a tight hug, and he held me there until I felt myself relax.   
Pulling away, he rested his forehead against mine for a brief moment, clutching me tight to his chest before he released me, rolling back onto his stomach and getting comfortable, crossing his arms under his pillow, his head turned back as far as he could to watch me.

Despite the terror ebbing away from Cas' gentle encouragements, I was still nervous, worried I'd hurt Cas, and just plain out shy, a part of me beginning to regret what I had started.   
But as he looked back at my hands, panting softly in anticipation, hair mussed and beautiful, I realized that I did want this with Cas, more than anything; I just needed to quit being a scared little bitch about it and go for it.   
Taking a heavy breath to steel myself, I let my free hand rest on his lower back, letting my hand drag down lower and lower before until my hand was resting on his ass, Cas trembling slightly beneath my touch. After giving myself an internal crappy pep talk, I pushed up the hot skin, allowing me better access as I slowly teased my finger at his entrance before partially slipping it inside him.   
He gasped, and I stopped, waiting for him to relax again. It suddenly occurred to me that this wouldn't be much different than the times I had slept with a few virgins in my life, that Cas was probably just as nervous, but just as sensitive and responsive. I just needed to handle this as gently as I had then.   
Having found my foothold, I stopped being nervous and tentative about it once I got going, and it wasn't much different from fingering a girl, but Cas was far different from the blurry faces of my past. I even began to get into it as I kissed Cas to comfort and relax him, eating up his soft whimpers and gasps.   
I loved the way his hot mouth felt on mine, tongue tangling with mine, suddenly mewling into my mouth, hips bucking up when my now double set of fingers hit something apparently really damn good.  
I smirked against his lips, quirking my fingers up in that way again, Cas squeaking out a choked moan when I did, unable to kiss me as I repeated the action over and over, adding a third finger as I nibbled lightly on his neck. Cas panted and moaned under my ministrations like a whore, and his tiltating sounds were the most gorgeous sounds I'd ever heard.

"D-Dean..." he gasped, blunt fingernails scraping against the bedsheets as I nibbled along his neck. "I-I need you _now_."

I chuckled, tugging a whimper from him as I nibbled at his earlobe, continuing to thrust my fingers into him not only to vex him, but also because I wanted him to have the most pleasure possible when I did give us both what we wanted.

" _Dean!"_ Cas snapped after I toyed with him and prepared him a bit more, blue eyes dark with lust and vexation as he glared at me.

I chuckled, hushing him with a kiss, Cas sighing against my lips as I pulled my fingers out.   
Breaking the kiss, I fumbled around for the lube bottle, opening it and pouring the contents into my hand when I found it, sighing as I slicked up my aching erection.   
I settled myself between Cas' spread legs once I was done, Cas' ass pushed slightly up in the air as he impatiently waited for me, and I put my hand on his lower back, tenderly rubbing his skin as I kissed his shoulder.

"Ready?" I whispered, wanting to be sure.

He nodded, leaning up to kiss me again as I lined myself up, slowly pressing myself into him.   
He gasped, and I could hear his fingers scrape over the bedsheets.   
I gently hushed him, pulling him back in for a kiss, slowly pushing inside him each time he relaxed, and soon enough, I was flush against him, my thighs quivering as I struggled to hold myself back, in that odd mix of relaxing and being taunt enough to hold me up as I rested my forehead on his shoulder, feeling him pant below me.   
_Fuck_ he felt good, and was so damn tight around me, I thought I'd come right there, and I hadn't even moved yet.

"You okay?" I breathed against his skin, kissing the back of his neck and he shivered.

"Yes." He moved his hips slightly, and I groaned, pressing my forehead hard against him and I fought against my instincts that just wanted to move damn it.

But as much as I wanted to snap my hips forward, fuck him into the mattress until he was screaming my name, this pause, this suspension in time, just hovering there, feeling Cas around me, Cas feeling me inside him, was perfect.   
It was like a dream, our bodies locked together, my hand over his, his soft pants against his pillow, face twisted in a mix of pain and pleasure. This moment was a dance I'd performed dozens of other times before, granted in different formats, but this felt different, though I couldn't put my finger on why.   
I kissed his cheek gently, Cas leaning into my lips, turning to kiss me on the lips, those plush lips brushing against mine as he whispered the word.

"Move."

I rested my hands over his under the pillow, slowly pulling out till just the head of my dick was inside him, slowly pushing back into him, my head falling against his shoulder as Cas and I groaned in tandem.   
_God_ he felt good, so hot and tight, skin heating under my fingers as I squeezed the his hands, Cas squeezing my hands in response.   
I began to get into a rhythm, pulling out almost all the way before sliding back into him, and when I shifted my hips to get more comfortable, I found Cas' sweet spot, his wanton moan music to my ears.   
I drove into that spot with more purpose, Cas gasping and moaning each and every single time I hit his spot.   
I pushed myself upright to dig my fingers into his hips, watching Cas pant into the pillow, his face the epitome of pleasure.   
I meant to keep things slow, get that slow burn, but when Cas started fucking himself back onto me, I started to loose myself, snapping my hips forward, Cas gasping out as the sounds of skin slapping against skin and the bed rocking beneath us filled the room.

"Dean, more.." Cas moaned out, his face buried in the pillow and I smirked, leaning down to bite his shoulder, Cas moaning and arching up against me in response when I began thrusting into him faster.

"You like that?" I chuckled darkly into his neck, sucking a hickey into his neck and Cas spluttered, unable to speak. "You like me fucking you like this Castiel?"

"Yes, yes, _yes_ ," Cas babbled, shoving his hips hard back against me and I swore against his skin.

Cas took notice of that, the little bastard shoving himself harder against me, shock waves of pleasure rolling through both of our bodies as we moaned in tandem.

"Dean.. need-need to see you..." Cas whined, trying to roll to his side, and we hissed as I pulled out, grabbing Cas' thick thighs and helping him flip over onto his back, and once he was on his back, he was wrapping his legs around my waist, impatiently tugging me back to him as I easily slipped back inside him, the both of us moaning the others name.

Once we got comfortable, I wasted no time thrusting back into him again, and fuck, this new position was so much more intimate, and I could feel myself pushing even deeper inside Cas.   
Cas had his legs wrapped so tightly around my waist, I had to grind into him more than thrust with the lack of leeway he gave me, but I didn't mind, because my every move punched a moan or groan from him, hands clenching the bedsheets so hard, I could've sworn I heard a rip at one point.   
His expression was gorgeous, mouth fallen open in silent screams, eyes screwed shut from the pleasure, head pushing back hard against the pillow.   
I leaned down to bite at his bared neck, our chests pressed so tightly together when he wrapped his arms around me, nails dragging over my skin, that I could feel his rock solid erection rubbing between our chests with my every grind into him, precum just oozing from it and smearing on our chests.

"This what you wanted Cas?" I bit his earlobe and he hissed, fingernails digging into my skin. "To feel me inside you?"

He swore something I didn't understand, something that wasn't English; the deep guttural uttering of words sending heat through me.

"Are you going to come for me angel?" I whispered in his ear, hoping to hear him swear again in the strange language, feeling him shudder and clench hard around me in response, and I hissed.

"Oh Dean, Dean, _Dean!"_ He was screaming my name, honest to god _screaming_ it, nails racing down my back in one swift move then I felt him clench hard, vice- like, around me, a spurt of wet heat splashing between our bellies as he came hard, holding me so tight against him it hurt.

He was so fucking tight around me it was hard to even thrust into him, but it didn't really matter, because when he clenched around me again, I came, spilling everything I had inside him and grinding hard against him to get as deep as I possibly could.

"Fuck Castiel..." I groaned as I rode out the aftershocks, Cas shuddering at the uttering of his full name below me as I collapsed onto his chest.

He held me against him, fingers tangled in my hair as he panted, whimpering occasionally.

When I forced myself to move off of him to keep from getting heavy on him, we sighed as I slipped out of him, rolling onto my back, tired and fucked out, Cas not fairing much better than me.

"You good?" I asked after we came down, holding his hand and pressing a kiss to the back of his hand.

"Extremely." Cas rumbled, voice low and thick with sleep and sex, a sappy, dumb grin on his face, murmuring something to himself in that strange language again.

I chuckled, leaning over to grab some tissues off the the nightstand, cleaning myself off before grabbing fresh tissues to clean off Cas, who hadn't moved at all, huge smile still on his face.

"I mean it Dean," he slurred, and I could tell he was half asleep.

"Shh," I murmured, putting aside the dirtied tissues, pulling the covers back up around us, Cas turning on his side, pressing his forehead against my chest, and I wrapped my arm around him.

"Love you... Dean..." he mumbled again, nuzzling against me, and I blushed, rubbing his back gently.

His breathing leveled out, growing soft and steady, the storm having died down, rain gently falling down as I kissed the top of his head, whispering into his hair.

"I need you too, Cas." 

 

 


	23. Closer

Twenty Three

The next morning I woke up in a tangle of limbs, blue eyes already looking at me when I opened my eyes.

"Good morning, Dean." Cas said softly, kissing my cheek and I closed my eyes, humming at his feather light touch.

"Mornin'." I muttered, rubbing my face, stretching out my taunt limbs the best I could. "How'd you sleep?"

"I slept exceptionally," he said, kissing my cheek again, and I turned to kiss his lips, not even caring about his morning breath.

"So did I." I chuckled when we pulled away, and I grinned as I could see a big, dark hickey on Cas' neck that would be impossible for him to hide. "We should shower."

He nodded, leaning forward to press another kiss to my lips, before pulling away to rest his head on my chest, sighing in contentment.

"Did you enjoy last night, Cas?"

"It was incredible Dean." He lifted his head to smile at me, and I chuckled, smirking.

"You definitely were screaming. I think you woke the whole motel."

He blushed, looking away and I kissed his hot cheek, chuckling.

"That's not funny Dean."

"It kinda is."

"No." He was frowning, and I kissed the frown off of his face, pulling him down to whisper in his ear, smirking.

"I loved your sounds."

When I let him go, he was blushing a deep red, a pretty color in contrast to his dark stubble.

"By the way," I reached up to massage the back of his head with my fingers, Cas' eyes falling shut in response as he leaned into my fingers. "What did you say last night? You said something in another language. I think you've said something in another language every time we've been intimate."

"It's Enochian." Cas said, tilting his head so my fingers would massage another spot, eyes still closed. "The first time we slept together, I was wishing you all the happiness and luck in life, whether it be with me or not. Last night, I was repenting to my father for seducing a human." He blushed a bit, opening his eyes to look at me. "Dean, you make me think of all these sinful things... things an angel should never think."

"Well, you're not an angel, are you?" I smirked, nipping at his bottom lip and he gasped.

"No, but I will be once again before sundown."

We stopped, the both of us silent as the realization finally hit us.

As much as I wanted to give Cas back what he had taken from him, a part of me didn't want to let go of this; his humanity. These past few nights tangled together as we slept, those few moments in the morning when I got to watch him sleep, lips in a slight pout, lashes dark and long as they kissed his cheeks.  
Watching his expressions as he tried new food, the way his tongue darted out to lick his lips to chase every taste.   
Every mundane human thing he made special, and I had enjoyed seeing the way he went about things - even brushing his teeth in the mornings.

_Would he still want to do some of the same things with his grace?_

"So," I cleared my throat, changing the topic. "Did you say anything else last night?"

Cas smiled bashfully, looking down at my chest, his finger tracing along my collarbone.

"I said my existence was yours and that I would love you till the end of time." Still smiling, he kissed my cheek and I blushed.

"So what, you're practically friggin' engaging yourself to me now?" I chuckled, and though I was teasing, I felt my chest twist in anticipation, wanting to hear his answer to that.

He said nothing, just laid his head on my shoulder, quiet for awhile.

I was getting sleepy again, holding him in my arms when he stirred, and I whined in protest when he pulled away to sit up, feeling cold in his absence.

"I'm going to shower." Cas said, pushing back the covers as he slid out of bed. "Check out is in an hour, isn't it Dean?" he asked and I watched him as he leaned down to grab his duffel bag, his upper back littered with hickeys and love bites and I couldn't help but smirk at that.

"Yeah." I said after I checked the time from the alarm clock on the nightstand, refocusing my gaze on his thick thighs and the swell of his ass before he turned around, his chest in pretty much the same state as his upper back was, putting the bag on the bed and pulling out clean clothes.

"You can ogle me or join me in the shower, Dean." his face was deadpan as he put aside his bag, walking around the corner and I saw the wall project his naked shadow when he turned on the bathroom light.

I tossed back the bedsheets, scrambling to grab myself fresh clothes because there was no way in _hell_ that I was declining his offer a second time.

He was brushing his teeth when I came around the corner, and I followed his lead, Cas turning on the shower when he finished, stepping in when it got warm and I hurried to join him once I finished brushing my teeth.   
The shower itself was fairly small, and after I pulled the shower curtain closed and turned around, I was nearly nose to nose with Cas under the water.

"Hey there." I said, and he chuckled.

"This might be more difficult than I anticipated." he looked around, giving me an eyeful of his toned chest and I watched the water running over his skin in rivulets.

"Mmhmm..." I said absently, my eyes locked on his fit body, my marks I'd left all over his skin making me want to smirk, knowing that he was mine, and mine alone.

_Mine._

_I liked calling him mine._

"Dean?"

I blinked, looking back up at Cas, who was watching me, a twinkle of amusement in his eye.

"Yeah." I chewed on my lip, a bit embarrassed with being caught staring.

He looked over my shoulder, nodding to the soap behind me.

"Could you hand me the soap?"

"Yeah." I turned around to grab it, Cas suddenly gasping in horror.

"What?" I exclaimed in concern, whirling back around to face him.

He said nothing, gently putting his hand on my shoulder, making me turn as he inspected my back.

"Cas, _what_ is it?" I demanded when he still said nothing.

"I'm sorry Dean..." He was blushing when I looked at him.

"What? Why?"

"Look in the mirror." he said simply.

I furrowed my brows at him, stepping out of the shower, wiping the fog away from the mirror and looking over my shoulder.   
I gasped in surprise to see long scratch marks on both sides of my back, from neck to lower back, red and angry looking.

"Damn Cas, was I that good?" I laughed, climbing back into the shower with him.

"Y-yes..." Cas admitted sheepishly, looking at his feet before looking back up into my eyes, ashamed and apologetic. "I'm so sorry... I-I didn't even realize I was hurting you.. I didn't even mean to..."

"Cas, it's fine." I gently kissed him, Cas kissing me back. "Besides, I left my fair share of mementoes on you." I chuckled darkly, leaning down to nip at his soft spot marked with a bright purple hickey, Cas moaning in response.

"Dean- we don't have time." he whined, head falling back despite himself, my tongue catching all the water droplets rolling off of his neck.

"Hmm." I hummed, kissing and licking down to his shoulder, soothing his darkened irritated skin with my tongue, my hands dropping down from his hips to grab the globes of his ass, Cas gasping in response.

"Dean Winchester, you're hopeless and insatiable." He said, putting his hand on my chest, gently pushing me away, and despite his aggravated tone, his eyes were full of adoration and affection.

"That's your fault." I leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to his lips, the two of us quickly getting lost in the hot, wet dancing of our lips, tongues tasting of mint.

"No more." Cas said firmly after we broke the kiss for air, but the way he said it was so utterly adorable, and despite his firm tone, he sounded like a small child.

"Yes more." I said, kissing him again, Cas laughing, gently pushing me away.

"Damn it Dean.." he smiled, brushing back my wet hair with tender fingers. "We don't have time."

I sighed, leaning into his fingers.

"Fine. Then let me do something."

"What's that Dean?"

Keeping one arm wrapped around his waist, I grabbed the soap, then with my arm that was wrapped around him, a washcloth.   
He watched me curiously as I rubbed the soap on the cloth until it was white with soapy bubbles, pulling away from Cas.

"Relax." I reminded him, gently lifting his left arm, Cas a bit tense as I gently began to wash his body, taking care to be gentle on the marks I'd made, Cas relaxing into my every touch.

By the time I kneeled down to clean his thighs and legs, he was semi-hard, and as tempted as I was to suck him off there, I knew we didn't have the time.   
I was quick to cleanse the area he wanted me to touch, sparing him from more discomfort as I guided him under the water to rinse off.   
I was about to wash myself off, but Cas wanted to do it for me as I had done for him. Being gentle and methodical, he rubbed out the tightness in my muscles as he worked his way down, and I hissed when he pressed a devious, playful kiss to my length before coming back up.   
We quickly washed our hair then rinsed off, and I was sad to see Cas cover his godlike body when we dressed.   
We packed up and as I was double checking the room, I noticed a slight rip on the mattress cover, and I bit my lip, stifling a laugh before I closed the door.   
We checked out, and I silently prayed for the person who would have to undoubtedly clean and replace our sheets.   
Cas and I decided to stop at a diner for breakfast since we both were as hungry as damn lions after last night, and after the waitress brought us our food, she smiled at Cas and I, looking between us before looking at Cas.

"So, are you available?" She twirled brown hair over her finger, smiling a bit shyly. "I'm free in an hour."

"Thank you, but I'm not." Cas reached across the table, wrapping his pointer finger around mine, and I tried not to blush at his adoring smile.

The waitress took note of that, looking between us.

"Are you guys like, together?"

"I'm his everything." Cas said, still gazing at me and I couldn't hide my blush this time, breaking away from his gaze and looking down at my food as I tried to ignore the heat in my cheeks as I cut up my waffle.

"Awe, that's cute." she said, and she smiled genuinely, taking a step back, shrugging, ponytail swinging with her movement. "Far be it from me to break that up. Enjoy guys."

She waved, leaving Cas and I to our own devices.

Cas and I didn't talk much, too hungry really, but it was nice, the companionable silence between us.   
We listened to the low hum of conversations around us, watching people come and go, and I noticed our waitress looking at us both from time to time, a longing and adoring look on her face.   
It suddenly dawned on me that she was watching the way Cas and I interacted, and I realized that she was _jealous_.   
She was longing for what Cas and I had, and I couldn't understand it, but when I caught Cas gazing at me like he was admiring a priceless museum artwork, finger still curled around mine, I did.   
I'd been steady with a few special girls in my lifetime, but I was never with any of them long enough to really see that look in their eyes, and the only woman I was with long enough to be notable, was Lisa, but as much as I knew she loved me, the look she had had in her eyes didn't compare to Cas'.   
Of course, she wouldn't have seen me the same way as Cas since they were both different beings, but Cas' gaze made me feel like the only important thing in the entire _universe_ , while Lisa's looks had been confined to just her world as she needed it; me, Ben, and providing. I was a huge part _of_ her world, but I was not _her_ world.   
I felt selfish thinking it, but I couldn't help it, just realizing it in that diner, Cas eating his food, waitress longing to have what we did.  
It felt strange, like the moment was suspending itself, everything slowing down.   
I looked over at Cas, his finger still curled around my finger, the edge of a hickey peeking out over the edge of his black hoodie, lashes brushing his cheeks as he was focused on cutting his food with just his fork, brow slightly furrowed in concentration, his left eye a sapphire blue as a ray of sunshine hit the side of his face.   
It was so simple, and he wasn't even doing anything really, but it struck me how beautiful he was, just being, there with me.   
An exquisite creature that was beyond my comprehension, beyond my imagination, beyond _me_ myself.   
And here I was, just a _man_. Nothing more, nothing less, but yet, this honest to God _angel_ , a creature unlike anything I've ever encountered, _wanted_ to be here with me.   
Of all places to be, of all things to do and people to be with, he wanted _me_.

"Dean?" Cas had looked up, finally noticing my staring, frowning slightly. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." I looked back down at my eggs, picking up my fork as I smiled a little. "I'm perfect."

  
\--------------

  
After we finished eating, we paid then got back in the car, gassing up the impala before driving out of town into the country for the next hour.   
Even though we had Aerosmith playing, which was so far a big hit for Cas, the ride still got tense, the tension thickening the closer we got.   
My chest was getting tight from anxiety when we creeped down the dirt road leading to the asylum, and I was starting to wonder if it was some kind of trap, but Cas insisted the only person still alive from the past year was Nira and that it was impossible.   
As adamant as he was about it, I still felt uneasy, and the feeling didn't lessen when I parked the impala in the slowly crumbling front drive.

"Looks empty." I said for lack of conversation as Cas and I prepared ourselves, and I was impressed with how well Cas was handling a shotgun as we loaded our guns.

"Looks can be deceiving Dean." Cas cocked the shotgun, putting it down gingerly as he checked his pistol, a small thing he'd proudly displayed to me, telling me he'd made it himself.

It was beautiful, a sleek onyx black with white etches on the handle, almost looking like white flames that faded into the black; and the minute craftsmanship screamed of Cas' slow, focused hand.   
It was perfectly him, and I was proud of him.

"I know." I said now, shutting the trunk after I grabbed a pair of flashlights. "Ready?"

He nodded, and we readied ourselves, cautiously walking up to the front double set of doors, one wooden door smashed in splinters, looking like jagged, yellow, broken teeth.   
It was deathly silent outside, not even a bird to be heard, and despite the gorgeous weather and the way the slowly drying diamond-like water droplets that covered everything shone and shimmered in the sunlight, a dark cloud still hung over everything.   
I couldn't put my finger on it, but there was just something - _something_ I felt that I was missing.   
As we ventured deeper and deeper inside the sanitarium, the cracking, gray graffiti littered walls closing in on us with every turn, the feeling heightened, although we discovered nothing living aside from some mice.   
The place was clean too - and to the unknowing eye - exactly like it had been sitting alone left to rot for decades.   
It unnerved me, and made me doubt even myself that it was the right place, but when Cas opened the door to the gym that I had kept the meta angels in, all doubt vanished.   
One by one, we found the rooms I had monitored to keep the groups separate, the hallway that led outside to the cabins, and the few rooms I'd caught Nira and Nero together in rapturous moments.   
The tightness in my chest was a knot by the time we reached the door to Nira's makeshift office, and I didn't realize I had stopped in my tracks until Cas was gazing at me.

"Dean?" he was frowning, hand on the doorknob. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah." I nodded, kicking aside a concrete chunk, watching it jump and roll down the hallway before hitting the wall, the scraping loud in the quiet.

I looked back over at him, Cas still frowning disbelievingly at me and I sighed.

"What, you wanna do couples therapy now? We don't have all day."

He rolled his eyes, opening the door, shotgun on the ready as he stalked in, aiming it around as he swept the room, relaxing to find nothing as I followed him inside.   
The table that was once in the center of the room was shoved up against the wall haphazardly in pieces; appearing to have been smashed by a large force, and the library connected to it was no different, books strewn everywhere, singed pages ripped out and littering the ground like snow.

"What the hell happened here?" I asked, toeing the back of a chair that stuck up out of the pages like a hand out of a grave.

"Explosives." Cas said simply, like he was talking about the weather, pulling open the secret door, the bottom of it scraping across the ground.

"Ex- what? From who?" I demanded, following him into the tunnel.

"Me." Cas flicked on his flashlight, illuminating the bowing walls of the narrow tunnel.

 _"You?"_ I asked incredulously, keeping close to him, shifting my grip on my shotgun.

"Your lack of faith in me in demeaning Dean."

I could almost hear him rolling his eyes.

"I just didn't expect it." I admitted, stepping around a large spiderweb. "Last I saw you, you did everything you could to keep from using a gun, and now you're using _explosives?"_

"They can be useful." He mused absently, aiming his shotgun around the room when the tunnel spit us out, cautiously walking with me to the center of the room.

"She said at the back of the room by the shelves..." I said, walking over to the shelves, kneeling down to begin feeling around them and tugging on the books, Cas my shadow.

I was beginning to think she had lied when my finger hit something, a soft click sounding, the bookshelf popping open slightly.   
I stood up, glancing over at Cas before pulling the door open, stepping back and raising my eyebrows in surprise at the rows of shelves, all covered in vials containing blue, dancing essences, the room a soft blue in their light.

"Grace." Cas said simply, sagely.

"How will we find yours?" I asked as we both stepped into the room, picking up one of the vials, the Grace retreating to the other end of the vial away from me.

"I'll sense it."

"You sensing anything now master Yoda?"

He said nothing, just ghosted down the aisle, eyes roving over all the vials critically, and I rolled my eyes, whirling around when I heard a loud crash in the other room.

"You hear that?"

Cas looked up at me over a shelf, gaze hardened, jaw taunt and body tensed in that battle ready coil, ready to strike like a snake.

Another crash, and I cocked my shotgun, pointing at the vials.

"Find your Grace, I'll hold them off." I stepped back, turning to walk out the door.

"Dean don't-!"

"Hurry Cas!"

I pushed open the door, stepping out of the room before slamming it shut, the lock clicking behind me and I whirled around, a group of five, haggard, glassy eyed men stood with one lone woman, black hair wild and tangled.

"Hey guys, can't we just settle this like civilized monsters?" I grinned, holding my hands up in surrender.

The woman snarled, a stream of grayish-black ooze dripping from her mouth, crouched and ready for a fight.

"Or not?" I shrugged, firing off the first round in a burly guy that charged me right in the chest, sending him to the ground before sending a few more rounds in the rest of them, my chest heaving as I watched them all drop to the ground.

I suddenly realized that these were Nira's failures; the stupid, brainless psychos that did nothing but stare at walls, drool, and become volatile in a snap of a finger.

The Wallflowers, as she called them.

I took a breath, about to call out to Cas when the first lumberjack looking guy I had shot was groaning, pushing himself to his knees, his chest oozing with the same grayish-black ooze where the bullets had gotten him.

"Son of a bitch..." I muttered, the rest of the group following suit, staggering to their feet, eyes blazing with malevolence.

Lumberjack charged me again, and in the heat of the moment, I realized I had forgotten to reload my shotgun, gun clicking uselessly as I pulled the trigger, my back slamming against the bookshelf with bruising force as he slammed into me, knocking the breath out of my lungs.   
He knocked my shotgun from my grasp, and I was barely able to drop to my feet as the side of his fist grazed the side of my head, my skin bunching up painfully as a result.   
I grabbed my pistol out of the waistband of my pants, firing off a round at Lumberjack, the bullet piercing right between his eyes, sending him to the ground in a heap, the gray-black ooze gushing out of the wound.

_Well, that works..._

I jerked my attention back to the other four, managing to pick off two more of the ooze zombies, running to the opposite side of the room as I struggled to reload my pistol.   
I stuffed the last bullet into the chamber, cocking the gun before I was slammed into the floor, my head cracking against the tiles.   
I was seeing stars, my head pulsing hard enough to feel like hands were physically pushing inside my skull and squeezing me.   
I instinctively tried to roll onto my back, and was met by grimy hands pushing me back down, and I fought against the force, trying to focus on finding the second ooze zombie, firing a round at him, though I could barely see through the mad pulsing in my head, and I probably missed.   
I gasped out when I felt a brutal blow to my chest, hit after hit raining down on my chest, punching all the air out of my lungs.   
I couldn't breathe, and I could feel the blackness tugging at the edges of my mind.   
I turned my arm to fire at the thing above me, but I cried out when my arm was shoved back down to the ground, and I could hear my bone crack, my teeth chattering with the force.   
I bit my lip, forcing back the pain and shoved my other fist up, barely able to make out the crazed woman above me.   
I hit my mark, managing to stun her a bit, long enough to pull out my blade in my pocket, flicking the blade open and slicing it across her throat, grimacing as blood and wetness sprayed onto my neck and chin, looking away as the ooze zombie choked wetly, shuddering with last breaths of life as I shoved her off of me, finishing what I started.   
Grabbing my pistol, I swore at the agony in my arm, curling it up to my side, looking up at the ceiling as I fought against the heavy pain that wanted to pull me under.

_Yep, that's broken._

Another crash reverberated through the walls, and I jumped, even more ooze zombies running down the secret tunnel and into the room.   
I instinctively fired off the rest of my rounds, dropping three more before I had to reload, the next three charging into the room, stumbling over the three bodies in the doorway.   
I ran to the other side of the room, kicking down a surgical table to hinder them, ignoring the sharp throbbing in my arm as I cocked my pistol again, dropping another one, but it jammed before I could get another round out.   
I swore, scrambling to get my switchblade out, tripping over a book, barely regaining my balance as one of the other zombies reached out to grab me, unkept fingernails scraping against my leather jacket.   
I panicked, tossing my blade in its direction, a small burst of pride flushing through me to see I had launched my knife squarely in its chest, sending it to the floor. The exhilaration was short lived as I was slammed into the ground again onto my broken arm, and I couldn't stop the shriek of pain leaving my lips at that.   
The zombie who had pummeled me seemed to take notice of that, grabbing my broken arm and squeezing it so tight between his fingers I saw black dots dance across my vision, and I gagged at the extreme agony, unable to breathe.

_So this is it. I'm going to die._

I fought to get away, but the second zombie that I thought I had dropped with my knife, rose again, pushing me down hard against the ground and I couldn't so much as move a finger, much less care when I saw even more run into the room, snarls and growls filling the air.   
They all froze when the room shook, the air filling with dust and debris and a wall imploded on itself, and I could barely register Cas telling me to shut my eyes, but as a blinding, blue heat filled the room, my eyes slipped shut as they began burning, shrieks and growls and singed skin filling the entire space.   
The air was scorching, and I could physically feel some type of force grazing over my skin, malevolent and dark, somehow passing me over, and I could feel the zombies holding me down fall away.   
The bright blue light that illuminated the back of my eyelids faded, as did the heat, a hushed silence falling over the room.

"Dean? Dean, can you hear me?"

It sounded like a dream, and I was fading in and out, on waves. I felt outside of myself, sleepy warmth clutching at me, and I let myself be taken in the murky waters. Then pain rippled through me at being touched, and I was yanked back into my body, the present moment becoming painfully real again, the ocean of pain lapping and licking at every cell. I wanted to die, the agony crushing and I still couldn't breathe, my chest and head screaming for air.   
Then I felt warmth, a hot heat flooding through me, all my cells and blood coming alive. I felt my bone fragments realign, my broken and bleeding skin cease aching, fresh skin cells exploding into the area, and what would've taken weeks to heal, was whole in the speed of thought.  
The lapping gentle waves of death receded, and I could feel my awareness returning to me, inhaling sharply for air as I felt the last bruise fade.

"Dean? Are you alright?"

I blinked, gasping on the floor, my body trying to catch up with the sudden relief and salvation.   
Once my body got the memo that it was going to keep on kickin', I exhaled, my eyes meeting Cas', wide and grave.

"My hero." I batted my lashes at him, feigning a shy smile at him and he rolled his eyes.

"Damn it Dean..." he didn't look amused whatsoever, eyes blazing in belligerence, mouth in a thin line.

"What? I'm fine." I sat up, grimacing at my gunk covered jacket, pushing myself up to my feet. "Besides, we got what we came for-"

"You _stupid_ , insolent, insouciant man."

Abruptly I was shoved up against the wall, and I gasped in surprise, Cas' eyes dark with snapping indignation and rage.

"Cas, I'm fine.." I said slowly, trying to placate him, and I was held down with an invisible force when I tried to push him away.

"You almost _died_." His voice was so low with vexation, it was a growl, and I felt my blood turn cold with fear in response. "I was trying to tell you to barricade yourself in that room with me until I found my Grace, but you had to put yourself in the line of fire. What you did was witless and perilous; do you _wish_ for death Dean?"

He was livid - I could feel his wrath rolling off him in nearly tangible waves; arm shoved up against my chest pinning me to the wall, and I was reminded with violent force that he was powerful beyond my comprehension, that I was merely a bug trapped in a jar, easy to obliterate with one swift move.   
I swallowed thickly, unable to move my gaze from his burning eyes, frozen like a deer in headlights.

"I didn't know there was going to be that many." I snapped finally, trying to push back against the force holding me, but I couldn't budge it.

His eyes narrowed slightly, and I could instantly see my brazen response was only tossing more wood into the fire; a response that was asinine.   
I was backpedaling, scrambling through my head to find something to simmer the flame, but he just leaned closer to me, and I froze, all thoughts draining from me as I was frozen in his spell.

"You should've heeded me." he said lowly, tone laced with venom.

I felt a tremble race down my spine, my eyes dropping to his lips as he continued.

"I don't understand who you are trying to galvanize, but-" he leaned lower, forcing me to look into his vexed eyes again. "Your foolhardy, extravagant show is ample reason you should've heeded me."

"Yeah, well, you healed me, you got your Grace back, that's all that matters."

Fresh agitation sparked in his eyes, and I felt my lips part in soft, nervous pants as he leaned even further into my space, eyes darting down to follow my tongue as I licked my lip anxiously.   
He slowly dragged his eyes back up to mine, the ascent as slow as a caress and despite my cowed silence, I felt my stomach flutter with desire.

"Yes, that's "all that matters"," he drawled, eyes darting back down to my lips, and my own eyes darted down to his, plush pink lips parted slightly. "So it would've been acceptable if you perished?"

"No." I rolled my eyes, wishing I could shove him away. "Can we drop this already."

I was again reminded that my sardonic responses were deadly, eyes snapping in malevolence when they met mine again.

"Once you attest that what you had done was foolish and your life is of the upmost importance. You didn't even know for sure if my Grace was there."

His gaze softened slightly with a tinge of pity, and I was again reminded of the way he looked at me in melancholy sometimes, discontented of the way I seemed to see myself.

I sighed, looking away.

"My life isn't more important than yours or anyone else's; why are you making such a big deal of this? Crap happens."

I huffed when he pressed his arm tighter against my chest, and I held my breath when he leaned even closer.

"I am "making a big deal" of this," I could hear the quotations in his voice, "because for some unbeknownst reason to me, I love you and I will not allow you to believe that you mean nothing."

"I didn't _say_ that!" I snapped, ignoring the warmth in my chest at hearing those three words.

"Your actions scream it." his eyes were so dark now, a black fury and I curled away from him. "Your words mean nothing, because anyone could have your pride, your bravado."

I turned my head away as he leaned closer still, unable to speak or look him in the eye.

"I will remind you that I can see into you Dean." I could feel his breath on the side of my face. "I can see past your bluster, your pretenses. I can see how you truly feel, and you are _wrong_. You are blind and stupid with the way you feel about yourself."

I scoffed, my lip curling in annoyance, and I wanted to retort, but with his subjugate glare just daring me to do the food hardly thing of testing him, I kept quiet.

"Don't, you _dare_ ," each word was punctuated by an angry spark in his eyes. "-do _anything_ that foolish again."

"Okay." I muttered, wanting to be done with this conversation.

" _Promise_ me Dean." He was still furious, but I could see the fear in his eyes, and my defiance faded.

I took a breath, trying not to picture his reaction if he had gotten to me too late, or if his Grace hadn't been there after all.

"I promise." I said softly, wishing I could wrap him in his arms and warm him until his cold fears died.

He seemed to relax, and I felt the pressure on me release, my limbs returning to me.

I stepped off of the wall, wanting to wrap Cas in my arms, but he ignored me, stepping away, eyes sweeping over the room in detachment.

"We should check if there's more of those creatures." Cas said emotionlessly, gaze dull as he looked around the room, the strange creatures that was Nira's failed experiments, now ashes. "I'll sweep the perimeter."

I nodded, rolling my eyes when a burst of wind swept over me, Cas leaving me alone.   
Muttering under my breath, I was walking to the entry hall when Cas reappeared, the gust of wind emanating from him sending waves of ashes onto my jeans.

"Could ya cool it with the wings?" I glowered at him, doing my best to dust off my jeans, just turning the denim black as Cas ignored me.

"We need to free the Grace." Cas stepped into the gaping entryway of the secret room, the blue vials shimmering and dancing.

"Alright, then let's-" I broke off, Cas waving his hand in one fluid motion, opening all the vials at once, Grace filling the air like the sky had fallen inside the room. "-Open them."

I trailed off, rolling my eyes as Cas turned back to me, striding out of the room as the Grace escaped into each and every crack in the room.

"Show off." I muttered, Cas putting his fingers to my forehead.

"There is one room that is warded from me." I blinked, stumbling a bit as I regained my balance and my vision, the sudden flash of black I saw gone and now I was standing in front of a large concrete door in a long hallway, a lone light illuminating the red sigils covering the door. "I need you to open it."

"Damn it Cas... give me a little heads up the next time you decide to zap me someplace..." I rubbed my eyes, trying to ignore the slight nausea I felt.

He ignored me, inspecting the sigils critically.

I sighed, patting my pockets before I realized my knife was still in the secret room.

"I left my knife."

A burst of wind, sending dust into my eyes and nose and I sneezed, trying to rid the dust from my eyes when Cas returned, my switchblade in his palm.

"Are you done being a dick already?" I snapped, yanking my blade off of his hand, absently noticing that his skin was hotter than it had been when he was human; fever hot.

He just leveled his gaze at me, eyes hard as steel, and I sighed, giving up and flicking open the blade, scratching a line through one of the angel warding sigils.   
It glowed a bright, neon red before fading once I had broken it, and I paused, a bit concerned.

"Are you sure about this Cas..?" I glanced at him over my shoulder in uncertainty, Cas leerily looking at the door.

"Yes," he crossed his arms. "Aside from the angel warding, most are protection sigils for the room. There is nothing to be concerned about."

"Are you positive?"

I feigned distrust, the dark look Cas shooting me almost making me laugh.

 _Almost_.

I wasn't an idiot.

Turning back around, I finished breaking the sigils, dusting off the dried spray paint from my knife.   
Cas instructed me to step back, and when I didn't to vex him, he zapped me back about twenty feet, a shudder reverberating down the hall before he zapped me back to the now blown open entryway, dust and cement bits swirling into my eye.

"Thanks for the heads up.." I grumbled, Cas striding into the room, the dust slowly settling as I rubbed my eyes to get the fresh sprinkling of debris out.

Inside there was a lone table in the center of the bedroom sized room with a leather bound notebook lying on top of it.

"What is it?" I asked, waving away the dust from my eyes as Cas picked it up, brushing it off with a placid hand.

He opened it, flipping through a couple pages, a soft rumble making the room shudder.

"What the hell was that?" I said lowly, leerily watching the walls stop moving.

"Perhaps the tunnels imploding." Cas mused in blasé calm, thumbing through some more pages with a piqued interest.

"Impl-" I broke off as another shudder rippled down the hall. "Cas, we need to get _out_ of here."

I dashed out of the room, swearing to see a wall of dust from the tunnels collapsing from the way we came in, leaving us with no way out.  
I fought against the wave of panic flushing through me, turning to run the other way down the hall, the ground shaking with the force of the tunnel collapsing, the lights flickering and growing dimmer with the dust, and I tripping, falling down hard.   
I suddenly found myself face first outside in the grass, Cas standing beside me passively, still thumbing through the journal.

"Ah, thanks for the rescue Cas." I spat dirt from my mouth, scowling as I pushed myself to my feet.

He didn't pay me any attention, flipping to another page, brows furrowed and lips pursed critically.

"Always happy to assist." he mused absently.

I rolled my eyes, looking over at the sanitarium, one half of it leaning precariously lower than it was before.

"So much for scouting the rest of it out."

"I've already done that. There is nothing more of interest."

"Did you clean the dishes too?" I snapped sardonically, looking up at the sky as I felt fat raindrops falling on my head, predecessors to a heavy downpour.

Cas said nothing, looking up at the sky as the downpour began.

"I will be in the car."

He disappeared.

"Son of a bitch.." I muttered, turning around and jogging towards the impala, which was parked about two hundred feet away from me and it started pouring.

It was raining so hard, that I couldn't even see Cas inside the car, swearing internally knowing that I was going to get the leather seats wet.

I scrambled inside the car, glaring at Cas as I slammed the door shut, his nose still in that stupid god damn journal.

"Could you get me a towel from the back Cas." I said slowly, trying to keep my temper in check.

He flipped through another page, not looking at me.

"You still have your cabin here, don't you? You could change there. I will wait here."

I exhaled in annoyance, rolling my eyes.

"Damn it Cas, just grab me a _damn_ towel."

He rolled his eyes, disappearing, the trunk opening and closing, a large orange towel being tossed in my face a few seconds later, Cas barely even damp.

"Asshole..." I muttered, drying off my face and hair.

"Excuse me?"

I paused in my drying of the leather seat, Cas staring torpidly at me, eyes simmering with barely contained belligerence.

"I said, ' _asshole_ '." I knew my brazen reply was the most asinine thing to do, but I was pissed, and I didn't care.

I continued drying off myself and the seat, not caring what Cas felt or what his quandary was to that.

Once I was somewhat dry, I laid the damp towel down on the seat, digging in my pockets for my keys when I heard them jingle.

I looked over at Cas, who was holding the keys, ambiguously staring at me.

I tried to grab the keys, but he pulled them away, and I rolled my eyes.

"Cas, gimme the _damn_ keys." I hissed, staring at the steering wheel as I held my hand out.

He still didn't hand them to me and I sighed in annoyance, leaning my head back against the seat.

"Are you _still_ pissed about earlier? I'm fine damn it." I rubbed the bridge of my nose wearily, beginning to think Cas had stupid fits as bad as a woman.

"Yes," I gasped in surprise when I felt Cas pull me towards him, his hands gripping my jacket so tightly, I could feel him squeezing the water out of it, his eyes dark and belligerent when I opened mine. "I am 'still mad' - Dean, do you not grasp that you almost _died?"_

I sighed, rolling my eyes, looking away, but Cas put his hand on my chin, making me look at him again.

"Are you that moronic that you don't _care?_ Why does death always appear as a jest to you?"

"It's not." I huffed in annoyance.

His eyes narrowed, as if I had just jeered at him.

"Damn it Dean, why do you always take things so lightly? Does nothing matter to you? Would you even care if you left Sam and I behind? Do you care as much as you did leaving to go be with-"

He broke off, turning away, and it suddenly hit me why he was so upset.

_He had lost me to Nira for a year, then he had almost lost me again to death indirectly caused by Nira._

_He had almost lost me a second time, and I was just shrugging it off like a fool._

"Cas.." I wanted to pull him back to me, but he was leaning on the passenger door, watching the rain cascade down the window in thick streams. "Is this about.. the whole Nira thing?"

He said nothing, but I could visibly see him tense at her name.

"You have a _nickname_ for _her_." he muttered, his tone thick with grief and fury.

I took a breath, stuck in place even though I wanted to hold him, gently kiss him and tell him that she meant nothing to me, that he was the only one I had ever wanted.

But I couldn't.

"She was the same to me as April was to you." I finally said after a thick silence, Cas still looking out the window. "She used me, and in my time with her, she just told me to call her that."

I forced myself to move a bit closer to him, his clenched fist close enough to touch.

"And it does scare me that I almost died." I admitted, looking at the dashboard, light gray shadows of the water running down the windshield dancing over it. "I just don't like making a huge deal of it, because I'm going to die someday; either by the edge of a blade, or by some freaky ass monster."

Cas looked over at me sharply, eyes flashing.

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth Cas, and we both know it."

He gazed at me a little longer before looking back out the window sullenly, and I couldn't help from moving over to sit next to him, leaning against him as I gently rested my head on his shoulder, kissing his neck slightly. Again, I was struck with how much hotter his blood ran with Grace in his veins, his body as warm as a heaters as it warmed mine.

"And I'm sorry for leaving you.." I whispered, wrapping an arm around him and pulling him tight against me, and as much as I hoped it would stitch him back together, I knew it wouldn't. "I'm sorry for everything I did and said... I'm sorry.."

He said nothing, was just limp in my grasp.   
I felt more awkward by the second, and I started pulling away, trying to remember where the keys were when Cas grabbed my jacket, pulling me back.

"Stay.." he said softly, and even though I'd only be moving over a mere three feet from him to drive, I knew what he meant.

"Okay, okay." I said softly, turning back and wrapping my arm around him tightly, resting my head on his shoulder again.

Cas intertwined his fingers with mine, holding my hand tightly against his chest, and I could faintly feel his heart pounding through his hoodie.

He held my hand there tightly for awhile, his thumb rubbing over my skin every once in awhile, as if assuring himself that I was really there.

I was zoning out when he shifted, turning to look at me over his shoulder, eyes soft and a bit sad, looking between my eyes and my lips.   
I found myself repeating his dance, Cas and I both leaning towards each other at the same time to press a gentle kiss on the other's lips, hovering there for a moment, just like we had when we first kissed; just feeling the other, breathing in the other's galaxy for but a moment, just reassuring the other that we were there and tangible.

 _Real_.

"I'm here.." I found myself whispering, pulling Cas closer and pressing gentle kisses to his lips. "I'm right here."

He just leaned into my lips, his hand holding mine so tightly it hurt, but I didn't mind.

"You're here.." Cas whispered finally, and I let him turn to face me, his arms wrapping tightly around my neck as he kissed me again.

"Yes." I murmured into his lips, cupping the back of his head with one hand, my other hand wrapped tightly around his waist. "I'm right here."

It seemed to do something for Cas, and he heaved a heavy sigh, resting his head on my shoulder, curling up against me like a small child, and he suddenly seemed so small and vulnerable. I pulled him tighter against me, wanting to shield him from everything.

"I will never leave you." I whispered softly, burying my face in his hair. "You know that."

He nodded, and I remembered that day when I had finally found him in purgatory after months of searching, how god damn happy I was to wrap my arms around him; to know that the image in my mind was real and tangible.

_I had loved him even then..._

I felt myself warm at the thought, nuzzling myself against him, not wanting to let him go.   
I suddenly got the sense that I was loosing him, that he was slipping from my grasp, that he would suddenly look at me differently, make a face of disgust then leave.

_Just like everyone else._

"Dean?"

Cas moved in my arms, and I tensed, pulling him tight against me.

_Don't move, don't breathe... just stay..._

"Dean, are you okay?"

He easily broke my iron grasp, leaning back to look at me and I just reached out for him like a small child, wanting to wrap himself against me again.

He frowned, leaning down to gently kiss me, rubbing my back soothingly.

"Are you okay?" he whispered when we broke the chaste kiss for air, his forehead leaned against mine.

"I'm fine." I whispered, that lingering, cold empty feeling still haunting me, and I didn't like it.

He opened his eyes, and we stared into each others eyes, trying to walk upon the others inner roads, feel what each other felt, and get as spiritually intimate as we could.

"Dean.."

He said my name slow, a warning, and I was reminded that he could see what I was feeling with that Superman soul vision of his.

"I'm okay." I whispered, not wanting to say it aloud.

He frowned a little, kissing my forehead.

"Are you ready to leave?"

I nodded, Cas handing me the keys, fingers hot in my palm.

I took the keys, going to untangle myself from Cas to turn around, but he pulled me tight against his chest, pulling me in for one last bruising kiss that took my breath away.

"Okay, okay, chill Casanova." I chuckled, pushing Cas away as he continued to kiss my face and jawline.

"But you enjoy it." He tilted his head in confusion, gazing critically at me as he tried to decipher my feelings.

"Y-yeah, whatever..." I flushed, scrambling away, turning on the car as I tried to ignore his gaze on me. "But we need to uh, get a move on."

Cas sighed as the impala roared to life, drowning out some of the sound of the raindrops pounding against the roof.

"What?"

"I don't understand why human deny themselves pleasure." Cas continued as I tried to turn the car around without going into the muddy grass. "Especially _you_ , Dean."

"What _about_ me?" I scoffed, finally managing to turn the car around, surprised when Cas started pressing affectionate kisses to my cheek.

"Dude, I'm _driving_." I chuckled, pushing him away with my hand.

"See," Cas muttered, completely unswayed, kissing my fingers with reverence. "You enjoy this."

"I do _not_." I rolled my eyes, pulling my hand away, but he just scooted closer, hot fingers gently pulling my jacket and shirt aside, revealing more skin, pressing kisses along my skin, and I suppressed a shudder.

"You do." he murmured with conviction, laving his tongue over my damp skin and I couldn't stop the fucking giggle from escaping my mouth at that.

_Winchester, only girls giggle, not you._

"Dude! Seriously, I'm driving." I rolled my shoulder, trying up dispel the tingle from Cas' mouth as I turned onto the main road.

He ignored me, just pressed more gentle kisses to every exposed area of my skin that he could reach, and despite my qualms about it, I _did_ enjoy it.

I loved the race of heat that would shoot down my spine as he would breathe against my neck, and the explosion of goosebumps on my arms when he kissed my neck, feather light.   
The little bastard was just exploring each and every crevice of my skin, learning what made me tick, what had me gasping, shoving him away so I could focus on driving.   
Eventually, Cas pulled away, turning on the radio like I had taught him how to do, leaving it on some radio station with some sort of pop song after going through a few other lame radio stations, wrapping his arms around my right arm, leaning his head on my shoulder, cuddling next to me as the song kept on playing.

  
_You look as good as the day I met you_

_I forget just why I left you, I was insane_

_Stay and play that Blink-182 song_

_That we beat to death in Tuscon, okay_

  
Cas sighed in contentment, smelling of that wet wood and honey.   
The song wasn't something I'd normally listen to, but it wasn't too bad, and I didn't have the heart to disrupt Cas, or move him away to change it.

  
_So baby pull me closer in the backseat of your rover_

_That I know you can't afford_

_Bite that tattoo on your shoulder_

_Pull the sheets right of the corner_

_Of the mattress that you stole_

_From your roommate back in Boulder_

_We ain't ever getting older_

\----------------

We drove back into North Dakota that night, Cas never leaving my side until we had to stop to refuel and for me to take a much needed restroom break. After we got some snacks and got back on the road, Cas cuddled right up to me yet again, curling into my side like a faithful dog.   
It was nice, and he kept me warm enough that I didn't even need to turn the heater on.   
I finally was getting too weary to drive, and Cas suggested we pull over to look up at the stars, and I agreed, pulling partway into a dirt drive far enough down that the road was gone behind us.   
I parked the impala on the outskirts of a field, the flat land and sky stretching so far I couldn't even see where it ended.

Cas set up a blanket in the grass, telling me to sit as he brought me the variety of snacks we got, and I snacked on the chips, a slice of pecan pie and the apple Cas made me eat as him and I stared up at the stars.   
It was dark enough that you could see the Milky Way; its silver, rainbow-like arch across the entire sky from west horizon, to east horizon, some areas clustered with thicker patches of stars, some stars bigger and brighter than others - planets, Cas told me.   
He showed me the constellations, pointing out each star, until the entire picture was formed, his eyes seemingly glowing as he looked up at the jewel box of a sky, moon bathing everything is milky light.  
Despite the incredible beauty above my head, I couldn't help but keep looking over at Cas; notice the glimmer in his eyes, his skin seemingly glowing under the stars and moon, hair dancing with the breeze, the tall grass rippling around us like waves.   
I kept finding myself noticing at the way Cas' face wrinkled and relaxed with his emotions, the way his lips moved when he talked, how his tongue would dart across his lips occasionally.   
I must've been too caught up in looking at him to realize he was talking to me, because he turned to look at me, his uttering of my name trailing off as he looked at me, eyes falling to my lips.  
We sat like that for awhile, caught in the spell, the crickets singing as we gazed at each other under the lunar-light.  
We both finally crashed our lips together at the same time when the building tension between us became too much, moving in tandem in hot and languid movements, hands lazily ghosting over skin, tangling on hair, tugging gasps and soft moans out, fabric being discarded as kisses grew in intensity.   
Cas was so hot and warm as an angel, his every touch was sending tingles over my bare skin, his lips grazing over my naked chest lightly, placing kisses and sucking hickeys into my skin, causing me to writhe and gasp in every which way. He was so endlessly gentle and patient, and it felt like I was in a cloud of pleasure, just hovering over everything as Cas kissed and licked my skin, leaving marks here and there as he reminded me who I belonged to, hands gliding over my skin, kneading and massaging my muscles.   
It was so nice, and I had just fallen into a half aroused, half relaxed state as Cas stopped worshiping my body with his mouth.

"Cas..." I protested, sighing when he kissed my lips.

"Dean?"

"Hmm."

"I was wondering where that bottle is, the lubricant."

"It's in my duffle bag, front pocket." I muttered, taking a breath as I felt Cas move off of me, and it instantly felt cold without him.

It was strange being naked outside, but it was oddly exhilarating, lying there on a blanket under the kaleidoscope of stars, listening to Cas open the trunk and digging around.   
I pulled the blanket around me as a cool breeze blew through the grass, Cas' milky form in the moonlight returning to me.

"Sweet, you found it," I praised him, pulling him in for a kiss as soon as he was sitting on the blanket, grabbing the bottle.

"Wait, Dean-" Cas pulled away from the kiss, his fingers still tightly wrapped around the lube bottle.

"What Cas?" I furrowed my brows at his bashful expression. "What's up?"

"I-I wanted to do it this time. If that's okay."

"You mean..." I swallowed thickly. "Reversing what we had done last night..?"

He nodded vigorously, under the sea blue eyes locked on mine.

"I-I don't know about that Cas..." I said quickly, my chest clenching in anxiety.

Me being the bottom? That idea was just about as alien as it was thinking of being with Cas at first.   
Just... _No_... That was just too weird, no _way_.   
I didn't bottom, I wasn't the one who took the fucking, I was the one who _did_ the fucking.   
I looked back over at Cas to tell him that, but his soft, hopeful expression stopped me, eyes focused down at our hands overlapping the other over the lube bottle, and a wave of guilt swept over me.   
Shouldn't I at least give it a try..? I could back out of it any time I wanted to, and besides, Cas would have to open me up first, right? I could get a sense then if I was really okay with taking things that far. Besides, Cas said yes when I'd asked him, and he had sure as hell never done it before, and he seemed to enjoy it... Maybe I would too...

_But me getting fucked?_

"We don't have to," Cas said quickly now. "I understand if you don't... I just wanted to pleasure you as you had pleasured me last night..."

I sighed, chewing on my lip, and although Cas was sincere, I could tell he was disappointed.

"Alright. Fine." I gritted out before I could change my mind.

"Really?" Cas beamed, and I couldn't help but smile a little back at him, some of my anxiety easing. "I'll be really gentle Dean, and we can stop if you change your mind."

"Yeah, fine." I mumbled, still apprehensive to the idea.

Cas frowned, noticing my quandary.

"Dean, are you sure?"

"Yes. Now less talkin' and more kissin'," I demanded, pulling Cas in for a harsh kiss, though it was mostly an attempt to hide my nerves, I doubt it did any good knowing how well Cas knew me.

He didn't comment upon it though, just kissed me back with the same fervor when he recovered from his surprise, pushing the blanket I had pulled over me away as he hovered over me.   
He pulled a gasp out of me as he sucked on my bottom lip between his teeth, his right hand gliding down my chest and down my side, my skin buzzing with his every touch.   
He trailed his hand lower and lower as he plundered my mouth with his tongue, and I was practically helpless, not that I minded.

"Are- are you sure?" Cas panted against my lips as we gasped for air.

"Yes damn-" I shut up as I felt his wet finger at my entrance, the anxiety I had forgotten flooded back over me like a tidal wave.

Cas didn't move his finger, and I didn't realize I was slightly panicking until he kissed my cheek, breath tickling my skin as he whispered against it.

"Do you know how exquisite you look right now, Dean?" He whispered, kissing the skin behind my ear, and I shivered. "I know I said I'd never talk about them again, but the stars match your freckles, and your freckles are my favorite constellations."

_Jesus where did he learn to talk like that?_

I flushed, exhaling as I felt Cas press his finger gently partway inside me, the intrusion strange, but not as overwhelming as I expected.

"You okay?" Cas paused, gazing down at me.

I nodded, not trusting my voice, and Cas gently sunk his finger deeper into me.

It hurt a bit, and I was tensing up, debating on telling him to stop. The feeling was just too strange and too alien and _son of a bitch_ , I wasn't ready for this, what was I even _thinking?_

But Cas pulled me back from the precipice of anxiety, kissing me gently, and I found myself relaxing again.   
The strangeness began to wear off as he gently worked me open, eventually adding a second finger, and his slow thrusting of his double set of fingers hit something inside me that had me swearing out a moan like a two dollar whore.   
My entire body seemed to burst into pleasure, and my erection that had been slowly softening up to this point returned to attention.

"Shit..." I swore, watching Cas' fingers delve into me again, moving in that certain way that tore a raucous moan from my mouth once again, my fingers clenching fistfuls of the blanket.

_Oh fuck, was this that prostate shit I'd vaguely heard about?_

It was like Cas was hitting a damn pleasure button inside me, sending electric tingles up and down my spine in indescribable waves of pleasure, and I found myself wanting more.   
Cas repeated the motion with his fingers over and over, eventually adding a third finger as he kissed my neck.   
I couldn't even speak, I'd slipped into another world, and every part of me tingled. My every breath was rickety and shaky, and I'd never experienced these sensations before, and I couldn't make sense of the high.  
Tension ripped though me, precome weeping from the tip of my sex, dripping over the crest and slipping down the shaft. I could feel every fucking wet inch of its progress and it was _torture_.

" _Cas_..." I whimpered, my voice nearly a sob, and I felt hot tears at the corners of my eyes from the stimulation.

"Are you sure, Dean?"

Whatever brain function I had left sent rapid fire demands to my mouth in desperation: "Damn it, Cas, you need to... _now_."

He withdrew his fingers, leaving me empty and even more irritated.

"Dean," Cas rumbles, his voice a warning.

It's the last thing I truly make sense of before his erection is pressing into me,  
stretching me, breaking apart my mind into meaningless threads.   
There are no more thoughts, only the pressure, the slight burn as Cas slowly pushes into me, the sigh of relief that Cas eats up as he kisses me.

"Oh Cas, please..." I beg, though I have no idea what I'm begging for.

He says nothing, and I can only feel his lips grazing over my skin, and his hips flush against mine.

"Please Cas..." I whine, digging my fingers into his shoulders, tugging him to me by wrapping my legs around his waist.

It's pure bliss when Cas starts moving, hips gently gyrating into me, and I try to collect my thoughts through the haze of delirium, but I can't.

Each gentle collision of our sweat-damp bodies is insane, hip-to-hip, Cas playing my body like it's an instrument. While I still ache somewhat, the discomfort has transformed into a twisted shade of ecstasy.

He begins whispering to me in Enochian, the words as low and soft as his fingers as they graze over my skin, sighing against my neck with me as he gently thrusts into me.   
Blinking through the haze of delirium, I put my hand on the back of his neck, tugging him closer to me, his hot lips grazing over my neck in an array of kisses and soft spoken bits of Enochian.   
He was so hot both around and inside me, that the cool breeze only heightened my senses; his fingers trailing down my chest, nails lightly grazing over my skin, his thick length slowly driving in and out of me in such an easy, consuming pace, I found myself just lying there, panting and moaning, getting higher and higher up in that cloud of bliss he put me in.   
I was hot, overflowing with energy, and too god damn overwhelmed!  
It was too much, too much, _too fucking much!_  
Muttering for him to stop, Cas gazed down at me in concern as he slowed his thrusts to a jerky stop, seemingly having trouble doing so.

"Dean?" He pants, voice so fucking deep it nearly makes me want to loose it there.

"Lemme... Lemme-" I stammer stupidly, unable to find my words, Cas gazing at me with a perplexed expression as I gently pushed him away, the both of us sighing as he pulled out.

Cas lets me push him onto his back, eyes heavy lidded and lust filled as he watched me straddle his hips, a long, drawn out sigh punched out of both of us as I sank back down onto him, leaning down to press my forehead against his. The pause helped me get my senses back somewhat, and it took us a bit to get our rhythm back, but once we had, Cas was driving up into me like a man depraved of pleasure, grunting and gasping with the strain of working me over.   
The vast, overwhelming feeling of earlier was gone, until Cas moved his hips slightly, and I was sent into a world of pleasure.   
I couldn't stop the sounds spilling out of my mouth, much less the uttering of Cas' full name, which made him shudder each time I said it against his shoulder.  
Cas drove up into me with reckless abandon, seemingly determined to punch more sounds out of me, more utterings of his name.   
And I gave it to him.  
I was getting so close, each consecutive thrust made my muscles clench, harder and stiffer, my body curling from the force of it.   
_Son of a bitch_ , I was going to die here, it was _too much._  
My body had started to tremble at some point, and I felt ready to crack into a million pieces any second.

"Dean- look at me."

Cas must've seen the hell I was in, trapped in the cresting delirium, at that very moment pressing his damp palm to my cheek, pulling me back.   
It takes everything I have to find Cas' eyes through the haze, and when I do, I had never seen anything so spectacular in my life.   
Midnight blue. Dark. Heated. Demanding.   
Drowning in the dominant blue, my release crashes over me like a sucker punch; coursing through every limb, cell, bone, and muscle. I'm delirious, sobbing from the force of it, pouring myself out in ribbons all over Cas' chest.   
It never seems to stop, spasms wracking through my body with each release of pleasure.   
It's by far the biggest load I'd ever released in my life, and I suddenly start laughing weakly, tempted to say something cocky about it, but for the life of me, my mouth won't work. All I can do is blearily look for Cas, something familiar in the warped ecstasy.   
There's a crease between his brows, his mouth hanging open and cheeks feverishly red.

"Close your eyes." Cas suddenly grunts, chest heaving with labored breaths.

I blinked, barely registered what he was saying before a blue light was emanating from him as he moans, growing brighter with each millisecond as he shudders under me, and I shut my eyes when it started hurting my eyes, the back of my eyelids a whitish-blue as I feel him reach his peak inside me.   
As Cas came down, the light faded, and I opened my eyes again.  
His blissed out face was starlight-kissed, fingers clenched so tight around my hips it hurt, but I didn't give a damn, because his hot warmth inside me, and his face frozen in euphoria, was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.   
Again, I was struck with the burning desire to take a picture, to seal this moment away so I could revisit it when I missed it.   
Gathering my strength, I carefully leaned over to my jacket, Cas moaning with my movement. Pulling out my phone, I snapped a photo of him, Cas blinking and staring up at me.

"What are you doing Dean?" He murmured, voice thick with sex and sated contentment.

"St-stay there.." I muttered, my voice breaks, throat too dry for words as I snapped one more picture before Cas realized what I was doing, pushing my phone away with a chuckle.

"Dean-" he pulled my phone out of my hand, turning it around and started taking photos of me, and I gasped, pushing his hand away.

"Stop Cas- gimme my damn phone back." I laughed, trying to grab my phone, but Cas held it away from me, a dopey grin on his face as I saw that he was recording. "Castiel!" I demanded, leaning over him to grab my phone, but the little bastard seized the opportunity to move his hips slightly into me, causing me to stop right in my tracks.

I swore, freezing up over his chest as the overstimulation hit me again like a freight train.   
It took me a second before I opened my eyes again, Cas smirking at me like the bastard he was.

"You son of a bitch..." I scowled, distantly aware of the slick layer of sweat that coats every inch of my skin and the slickness between me and Cas' chests.

Cas merely chuckles, pulling me in to drop lazy kisses on my mouth.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I need you too, Cas." I flushed.

He smiled, nuzzling his nose against mine.

"Did you find that pleasurable Dean? You were more vocal than the last two times."

"It wasn't bad," I said, the both of us sighing as I moved off of Cas, grabbing a shirt and cleaning us off.

He frowned at me, and I raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You said that the first time, so I assumed it was barely satisfactory."

I chuckled sheepishly, tossing the dirtied shirt aside.

"When I said that, I meant that it was scary how amazing it was."

"Dean-" He sighed, and I chuckled, grabbing his hand.

"Sorry. So, how was it for you?"

"It wasn't bad." He gazed over at me, a tiny smirk on his face.

"I deserved that," I amended, Cas chuckling and leaning in to kiss me, cradling my face in that ever gentle way of his that I loved.

"Why don't humans do this more often?" Cas mused, pulling me closer to him.

"What?" I let him pull me closer to him, wrapping my arm around him.

"Intercourse." He kissed along my jawline, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.

"I dunno Cas, maybe they should."

"Could I have you again, Dean?" He said softly, pulling back to gaze at me.

"Who's the insatiable one now?" I teased.

"Please be serious Dean." Cas pleaded, his eyes wide and petulant.

I smiled, cradling his face, his stubble like sandpaper on my palm.

"Anytime, Cas."

He smiled, pulling me in for a kiss.

"I love you," he whispered again.

"I know," I smiled, leaning in to kiss him again.

The two of us laughed and kissed long into the night, neither of us getting enough of each other's lips. Eventually though, we made love soft and slow, his forehead pressed against mine as the pleasure rose, until it reached its peak, and the second time bottoming was even better than the first.   
It wasn't until the first birds singing at dawn, the sun peaking out over the horizon as Cas held me in his arms - a hot angel blanket - that I realized that my phone was dead.  
And when it turned back on right as Cas and I were ready to go later that morning, I was not disappointed with the content that had drained all my storage.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song lyrics is by Halsey and The Chainsmokers from their song, Closer. 
> 
> Did I ever tell you guys that I really appreciate you all reading my story, because it means a lot. :,) thank you.


	24. Stairway to Heaven

  
Twenty Four

Cas and I drove all through North and South Dakota the next day, talking and laughing in the car.   
Cas told me some stories about when he was in the garrison, and when I asked about the day he came to be, and he said that he was just created; spit into existence with the speed of thought.   
It was a bit strange to imagine just being - no birth, no conception, nothing, just popping up and bam - good and ready for battle.   
It explained some of Cas' personality, but I had a feeling that I would never know all of him, that there just wasn't enough time in my lifetime to hear all of his stories.   
It made me sad, listening to him telling me all these grand stories, and the feeling that I had gotten yesterday of him slipping away from me, growing stronger for no apparent reason, and twice, I could've sworn out of the corner of my eye I saw a black shadow figure, but there was nothing there when I looked. Despite the heat from last night, his hand in mine as we drove down the highway, his voice washing over me, I couldn't shake it.   
That scary feeling that was somehow familiar, but wasn't.   
I told myself that I was overreacting, and I was able to somewhat mute the feeling in the back of my mind.   
Cas seemed to sense my unease, or he maybe saw it. Either way, he never let me go; whether it be holding my hand, a finger looped with mine, his hand resting on my thigh, or just plain out wrapped around my right arm, cuddled up against me as I drove down the highway.   
The only times he let me go, was when we stopped to refuel, get snacks and a restroom break for me, but as soon as he saw me, his finger was looped around mine again, and despite my skittishness with PDA, I found myself looking for him after relieving myself at stops.   
It became routine, Cas already found a snack for me that he knew that I would like by the time I found him, paying while I fueled up Baby.   
He tried getting me to eat a banana after our second stop, telling me that he could see all the chemicals in the food I ate, and I finally gave into his pleads, grumbling my way through the banana, which wasn't bad, but not good either.   
We enjoyed some music when our conversations died down, adding Aerosmith and The Yardbirds to Cas' list of musical favorites, though he still had yet to tell me what his favorite song was.  
He also went through my phone, looking at the pictures and video of us last night, and he commanded that I keep them all, aside from the ones he had deleted, and I laughingly agreed.   
Once he cleared out the crap photos from my phone, he asked me to smile when we were sitting at a stop light, and I was nearly blinded with Cas' beautiful smile appearing on my phone screen.   
From then on, Cas assumed the role of photographer, and I had to tell him to use his own damn phone, because he seemed to think anything I did was photo worthy, and my eyes were struggling to recover from the random bursts of the flash from his phone nearly every damn second until I told him to quit or turn off his flash.  
Later that night after dinner at an Italian restaurant - which Cas couldn't eat because of his senses being overloaded much to his disappointment - and a hot shower together, Cas presented me with a third gift after he noticed that I had finally put the tiny cherry pie keychain on the Impala's keyring.  
This time, it was a necklace, a black cord with a tiny sigil of some sort that I had never seen before on it.   
He told me that it was a protection sigil, putting it over my head with care, going on to tell me that he had made it himself, and put Enochian protection spells over it.

"Perhaps that'll keep you from being so reckless." he mused, the silver sigil shimmering in the lamp light, Cas lying on my chest as we laid in bed together.

"I'm not that bad." I rolled my eyes, Cas pressing a light kiss to my bare chest.

I could just picture him rolling his eyes at that, but I was too lost in his hot mouth trailing over my skin to care much.

"I would like to do something for you, Dean." Cas mused, kissing lightly along my collarbone, and my eyes fluttered shut, feeling his lips ghost across my skin.

_Oh yeah, just a bit lower-_

"Hmm.." I hummed noncommittally, reaching up to tangle my fingers in his hair.

"I want to take you to Heaven."

"You already take me there Cas.." I muttered, gasping as he nipped at my skin, and I whined when he pulled away.

"I've never taken you to heaven Dean, why do you say that?"

I sighed, shaking my head, opening my eyes to look at him.

"What did you have in mind?"

"I wanted to give you closure," he looked down at my chest, eyes faraway. "So you could see Lisa and Ben one last time."

I inhaled sharply, having not let myself think of their names in about a week, and the bliss with Cas had all but removed them from the forefront of my mind.

"I've noticed that you're in pain," Cas went on. "And I think that this will be what you need."

I suddenly realized that Cas had misinterpreted my sense of him fading from me as grief, and maybe, he was right. Maybe that was all that it was, and I just wasn't letting myself acknowledge it.

_Wouldn't be the first time..._

"Yeah.." I said now, my voice small and choked.

He didn't miss that, leaning up to gently kiss me, washing all my worries right out of me.

"We don't have to," he said softly, his forehead resting against mine.

"I want to," I found myself whispering, Cas leaning back slightly and I opened my eyes to look at him.

"Are you sure?" his eyes were wide in concern.

"Yes," my voice sounded more confident than I felt, and Cas merely just kissed me again, before leaning back and pushing off the bedsheets and getting off of the bed.

"You'll need to put on a shirt," Cas murmured, grabbing one of my hoodies from my bag and pulling it over his head.

I thought about pointing that out, but I didn't, just changing out of my sweatpants into jeans along with Cas, putting on a green long sleeved shirt, then my boots, Cas patiently waiting for me.

"Ready?" he asked, looking up at me as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"So, how does this work..?" I asked warily, pulling my new necklace out from under my shirt.

"I will take you to Ben and Lisa's shared heaven; I took the time to find them while you slept last night."

"You left?" I asked, unable to stop the sadness from seeping into my voice, and I internally chastised myself for sounding so needy.

"For about an hour," he reach out, taking my hands in his, his grasp warm. "You were safe, I came to check on you frequently."

I nodded, looking down at the floor.

"Do you know how exquisite you look when you sleep, Dean?"

"Stop," I flushed at that, moving away from him, but he just gently pulled me back.

"I mean it," he leaned up to kiss my warm cheek, and I looked away, Cas just pulling me onto his lap as he cradled me in his arms.

"Are you ready?" He leaned back to look at me after a small silence, and after taking a breath, I leaned back to look at him.

"What if she hates me..." I whispered, sudden cold fear washing through me. "What if Ben tells me to go to hell..."

"Dean, Dean," he kissed me gently, pulling me back up from the hell of my thoughts to earth. "Breathe."

I did, exhaling slowly, Cas rubbing my back soothingly.

"This is why it's called closure," he said softly, kissing my cheek. "Not a happy ending, not a damnation; because you don't know which you will get, but what you _will_ get, is the ending you need to move on."

"Yeah," I said softly, taking in a deep breath, steeling myself.

Cas put his hand on my chin, making me look up into his eyes.

"You are going for an _ending_ , Dean. Not a battle."

He pointedly rubbed my tense shoulders, and I made myself relax somewhat and take another breath.

"Okay. I'm ready." I said, pushing myself off of his lap, grabbing my leather jacket and pulling it on.

He nodded, standing up, placing two fingers to my forehead.

A flash of black, white, a rush of air, my stomach plummeting to my feet with the sudden rush.

_I opened my eyes._

I looked around, seeing nothing but Cas next to me, whiteness, then a wooden wall, and a single door.

"So what, I just Swayze my way through there?" I glanced over at the door again.

"Yes."

"What're you doing?"

"I'll be coming with you."

"Okay." I nodded, a bit relieved, but I was still nervous, staring over at the door, starting to regret this.

"Dean?"

I looked over at Cas, his concerned, patient expression.  
It seemed like he wanted to say something, but he didn't, just reaching out to squeeze my hand, and it gave me the courage to continue. He walked with me to the door, and I took a breath, opening the door.

We stepped inside, the door shutting behind us, and I blinked, my eyes adjusting to the dim light.   
When my eyes refocused, I realized that we were standing in the kitchen inside the house that Lis and I had lived in when I got back together with her down in Texas; the warm brown walls, cream granite counter tops she _had_ to have with black cabinets, all just as they were the day I last saw it before I burned it all to the ground.   
I touched one of the wooden chairs we had, looking out the window, Lisa's tended yellow flowers in full bloom, the lawn a vibrant green, street calm and quiet like it usually was.   
Then I saw Ben jog across the yard in jeans and tank top, arms darkened with car grease and dirt.

"Ben.." I whispered, running around the corner to the front door.

I nearly tripped over the front porch steps in my haste, the white porch swing swaying in the summer breeze, clinking of metal sounding as I caught a glimpse of Ben laying back down to get underneath his brown Pinto.

"Ben!" I called out, stopping in my tracks, suddenly nervous, wishing I had kept my mouth shut and never came.

Time slowed down, and I could feel my heart beating in my chest hard, my blood growing cold as Ben peeked his head over his car, eyes widening in surprise as he saw me.   
He said nothing, just slowly walked around the car towards me, wrench in his dirtied hand, and I wondered if he was going to sock me with it.

I wouldn't blame him if he did.

I was bracing myself for the pain, gasping in surprise when Ben dropped the wrench, wrapping his arms so tightly around me, the air was squeezed out of my chest.

"You're here!" Ben exclaimed, smiling at me with Lisa's big brown eyes, and I'd forgotten that the kid was almost eye level with me, and a pang flushed through my chest knowing I'd never find out if he would've outgrown me.

"Yeah." I chuckled awkwardly, patting his back.

"Have you seen mom yet? She'll be so happy to see you."

"No, I haven't," I gave him one final pat on his back before he pulled away. "How are you?"

"Great," Ben grinned.

I chewed on my lip, almost wishing he would yell at me, scream, curse at me for getting him killed, not acting like he was all fine and dandy like he was on The Truman Show.

"How's she coming along?" I cleared my throat, nodding over to Ben's pinto, and he beamed in pride.

"She's coming along great," he stepped over to his car, turning down the Nirvana album he was playing. "Who's that?"

He pointed over to Cas, and I suddenly remembered his presence, turning to look at Cas, who had been quietly standing behind me.

"Him? Oh, that's uh, that's Cas. He's an angel." I jabbed my thumb over in Cas' direction, which Cas nodded in greeting.

Ben grinned in disbelief.

"You mean like an _actual_ one?"

"Yeah, wings, halos n' all," I shuffled my feet, kicking aside a pebble. "He uh, he brought me here."

"Ah, I was wondering how you got in." Ben mused, leaning inside his car, grabbing a water bottle.

"So..." I trailed off, struggling to find my words as Ben drank his water. "You know..?"

"That I'm dead? Yeah." Ben wiped his mouth, screwing the cap back on the water bottle and putting it back inside the car.

I shrugged, nodding a bit, trying to find a response to that, aside from the thousands of apologies, the pleads for forgiveness, the want to be punished to atone, the pain.

"Dean, if you're trying to say sorry in that pent up way of yours, you don't need to." Ben wiped his dirtied hands off on a clean cloth, staring down at his task.

"But-" I trailed off, at a loss. " _Why?_ "

"Because," he looked back up at me placidly. "We all knew what could happen; mom and I knew the risk we were taking with you, but you know what," he shrugged. "We didn't care, because we loved you Dean."

"But I shouldn't have come back." I said bitterly.

"And I shouldn't have been born." he rolled his eyes. "Big deal, shit happens. Besides, mom never wanted anyone but you."

"Don't swear Ben."

He chuckled, scratching his shoulder.

"Come on, you swear."

"I'm me, Ben."

"You know how stupid that sounds?"

I chuckled, a weight lifting off of me as he laughed with me, and I tussled his hair, Ben shoving me away.

"See you later, kid." I chuckled, stepping away.

"Mom is in her room, and Dean-"

I stopped, turning around, barely able to register Ben slamming into me with his football tackle hugs of his, holding me tight.   
I took a breath, wrapping my arms around him, smiling into his hair.

"I'm fine, worry about yourself," Ben grinned, pulling away and punching my shoulder playfully.

"Yeah." I chuckled, smiling at him as he leaned back into his car, turning up the volume on the radio, signifying the close to the conversation.

Now that it was time to go, I couldn't bring myself to leave, just watching Ben go back to fixing up his beloved car. The summer breeze playing with his chocolate hair, gazing at him until he ducked underneath the car and out of sight.

I took a breath, turning back around, Cas saying nothing, but walked with me back up the flowery walk to the front porch.   
We climbed the short flight of stairs, and I took in the porch swing that Lisa, Ben and I had all sat on, eating pie and watching the fireworks on the forth of July, even Sam coming over that night.   
I looked away, opening the wooden front door, stepping back inside the house with Cas.   
The house smelled just like I remembered it; like roses and Nag Champa, that sweet, vanilla-wood earthy scent that I associated solely with Lisa.   
I stepped towards the stairs, following the flight of stairs up with my eyes, running my hand over the polished wood banister, and I realized that I hadn't just missed Ben and Lisa, but the home we had made together; the holidays we celebrated with Sam and Lisa's family, the food Lisa and I cooked together, the video games Ben tried to teach me how to play.   
I suddenly couldn't continue, the pain choking me - that hollow loss beating through my chest, that wide, terrifying feeling when it dawns on you that you've lost something you can't ever get back.   
And despite how good I was at shoving things away and burying them, I couldn't now.   
The wood beneath my fingers, the homely smell, the familiar sounds I'd forgotten about, it was too painfully sharp, each thing a sharp blade, just slicing me open with memories, with things I didn't even realize I had missed.   
And as stupid and minute as the friggin stairs were, it might as well of been a lance, because it was the very same stairs that I sat on with Ben and Lisa when we took a Christmas family photo, the very same stairs I kissed Lisa on when we first bought the house.   
It was nothing, but everything all at once, and it was too much.

_It was too fucking much..._

I started at a gentle hand resting on my shoulder, and I blinked, looking over to see Cas standing there right beside me, eyes somber and grave.   
I swallowed thickly, battling the tears away and fighting against my constricting throat, Cas just gazing at me, his hand wide and assuring on my shoulder, and it grounded me, pulled me back from that wide abyss of loss.   
I took a breath, steadying myself, looking back up the flight of stairs, Cas' hand still on my shoulder.   
Keeping my eyes on the top of the stairs, I put one foot in front of the other, ascending.

_One step._

_Inhale._

_Second step._

_Exhale._

_Third step._

_Inhale._

_Fourth step._

_Exhale._

_Turn, step up the next steps._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

I made it to the top, inhaling deeply, turning to look at the closed door at the end of the hallway, Lisa's room.

_Our room._

I exhaled, taking those last final strides, pausing, hesitating before opening the door a crack.

"Lis?" I said softly, peeking my head inside the room.

And there she was, sitting on the window seat I had made her, gazing out the window over the garden in the backyard.   
I was struck again at how beautiful she was just _being_ , like a marble statue carved from the most talented artist.   
She turned, her eyes widening in surprise.

"Dean..?" She said my name slowly, carefully standing up.

"Hi Lis." I smiled a little, opening the door more, opening my arms out to her as she ran into my arms, just as small as I remembered.

"Dean.." She whispered, cupping the back of my head with one hand, her other arm wrapped around my neck.

"I'm so sorry.." I whispered into her shoulder, breathing her in. "I'm so, so sorry.."

She pulled away to look at me, rubbing my cheek with her hand, and I closed my eyes, leaning into her touch.

"I'll be outside with Ben."

I looked over my shoulder to see Cas nodding to Lisa when she looked at him, before he turned around and quietly descended the stairs.

"Who's that?" Lisa whispered, still gently cupping my face with her hands.

"Cas." I murmured, closing my eyes again, remembering what Lisa's touch was like; that firm, but ever so gentle motherly touch.

"He bring you here?" She asked, and I opened my eyes when she let her hands fall, her hand gently grabbing mine, guiding me over to her window seat to sit with her.

"Yeah." I said, looking at our hands as I clasped her hands in mine.

"You look good," she was smiling when I looked back up to meet her eyes, those chocolate embers.

"How are you so cool with this.." I frowned, growing agitated at both her and Ben's seeming indifference to death. "How are you and Ben so cool with being dead? I got you guys _killed_ for fucks sake... why aren't you screaming and yelling at me? Or telling me to go to hell-"

I trailed off, unable to continue as I stared out the window.

"Dean," Lisa waited until I turned to look her in the eye again. "I'm not angry, I never was."

"But that fight the night before..." I looked down at the cream cushions. "And you were trying to tell me that you were- _pregnant_..."

I choked on the word, falling silent.

"What are you talking about Dean?"

I looked back up at her sharply.

"This witch summoned you about a year ago for me, and you told me that you had been trying to tell me that you were pregnant."

She raised an eyebrow, smiling a bit in disbelief.

"I'm not sure what you have been toying with this past year, but that's not true. What I was trying to tell you is that we should get a dog for Ben's birthday, since he'd always wanted one."

I nodded slowly, suddenly laughing, Lisa laughing with me.   
Despite the relief that I hadn't gotten a third person killed indirectly, I still felt a pang, not ever realizing that the thought of having a child of my own had been something I _did_ want.

_It seemed there were a lot of things I didn't know I wanted..._

Our laughter died down, the somberness returning as Lisa and I gazed at each other.

"I swear you seem a bit disappointed." Lisa mused, brushing back my hair with her hand.

"I wouldn't have minded it." I admitted, reaching up to hold her hand.

She nodded, gazing up at me.

"I wouldn't have minded it either."

"You still not mad at me for getting you killed when we could've had that?" I muttered bitterly after some silence.

"No Dean," she smiled a little at me, squeezing my hand. "Because I forgave you when you left that night; I missed you as soon as you pulled out of that driveway. And even though we never got a chance to really fix things," she rubbed my cheek with her thumb. "You answering the phone was all the closure I needed, because I knew you still cared when you picked up the phone. You didn't have to, but you did."

She pulled me to her in a hug, letting me rest my head on her shoulder.

"Don't beat yourself up for what happened Dean, you couldn't have stopped it. Ben and I knew the consequences of being with you, but we accepted them, because we loved you." She gently pushed me back to look at me, her brown eyes watery. "I _love_ you still, and I know Ben does too. I came back to you because I _still_ loved you, even if I didn't quite remember it. Dean, what's done is done, and I want you _happy_. I'm happy, and Ben is happy. And we're safe, Dean."

"But you're dead." I whispered.

"Yes, but I've made peace with that, and I want you to make peace with it too. The witch had been planning her attack for months, she told us, ask Ben. She was waiting for the inevitable opening, there is _nothing_ you could've done," she took a long breath before continuing. "I just want you happy Dean, because I know how hard it is for you to be happy. Dean, are you happy now?"

I took a shuddering breath, leaning against her shoulder again.

"I'm getting there."

She gently pulled me back up to look at her, smiling.

"I could see it. You met someone?"

"You could say that."

She nodded, still cupping my chin, eyes boring into mine.

"Listen to me, I want you to hold onto that, okay? I want you to be happy, _marry_  this person, go farther with them then you ever had with me, because I want you to be as happy as I was with you." She smiled, a tear rolling down her cheek. "That's all I want for you Dean, that's all I _ever_ wanted. You've been through so much, more than anyone deserves. I'm sure you probably didn't expect to come here and hear me saying this to you, but I mean it. I just want you to live a little; and if you still feel guilty in that messed up head of yours, you can make amends by being happy, understand?"

I nodded weakly, Lisa pressing a loving kiss to my forehead, lingering there a moment before pulling away.

"Don't worry anymore about Ben and I, or blame yourself. Sometimes, these things just happen, and you can't stop them."

"Written in the stars." I muttered, thinking back to Cas pointing out the stars to me the night before and telling me legends.

"Yes," she smiled slightly, rubbing my shoulders for awhile, and I basked in her presence, and it occurred to me, that Lisa was perfect.

She was so empathic, understanding, and supportive. She was everything I needed and wanted from a woman, but nothing I could have, not in this life.   
Maybe in another universe, in another time, she was my soulmate - if I wanted to get that mushy.   
In this life though, she just didn't fit, and our ending was nothing but proof of that.

"I'm sorry.." I whispered into her hair.

"I know, I know," she said softly, rubbing circles on my back, shushing me softly.

I couldn't stop the few tears that escaped, but Lisa didn't berate me for them, just held me tight in her arms, calming me through them, crying softly with me.

When I collected myself, leaning back, she smiled affectionately at me, brushing away the dampness on my cheek, her eyelashes still damp.

"You should get going, I'm sure your boyfriend is waiting for you."

"What?" I flushed, Lisa chuckling at that.

"Come on Dean, I used to do your laundry - I know that AC/DC hoodie with the hole on the left sleeve from a mile away." She grinned, squeezing my hand. "It's about time."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Dean," she shook her head with a sigh. "It was so obvious how you felt about him. I wasn't sure at first when we talked about what happened at that cafe back in Kansas, but I was positive after we moved back in together."

"You've told me I was hard to read." I stared dubiously at her.

She laughed.

"Sometimes you are, but not when it comes to Cas. There were times I wondered why you were even with me when I saw the look in your eyes when Cas was ever brought up."

"Come on Lis..-" I groaned, and she giggled, grabbing my hands again.

"Does he make you happy?" she whispered, leaning her head on my shoulder.

I hesitated before I answered, staring down at her hands, fiddling with her ring.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Good," she put her hand over mine, putting a stop to my fidgeting, looking back up at me. "Are you good?"

I nodded, re-memorizing her.

"Yeah, I think so." I exhaled, the heavy weight in my chest disintegrating.

"Okay," she leaned her head against mine, and I leaned against her, closing my eyes, and for a brief moment, it was us again, back in Texas, back in our world we'd made.

But I didn't belong in it, not anymore.

I pulled away, gazing at Lisa.

"Bye Lis," I whispered, brushing back her hair. "See you soon."

"I don't want to see you back here until you're an old man," she chuckled. "I bet you'd be a cute, grumpy old man."

"Oh stop," I rolled my eyes, standing up, Lisa standing up with me, walking me to the bedroom door.

"Be happy, okay?" She held my face in her hands, brown eyes wide and pleading.

"Okay." I gazed down at her, a part of me wishing I could stay.

"Cas is lucky to have you, and you're lucky to have him," she smiled, pressing a kiss to my cheek, lingering there for a moment before pulling away. "I love you Dean."

"You too," I murmured, holding her hand on my face, squeezing it gently.

She smiled, pulling me in for a tight hug, and I wrapped my arms tight around her, burying my face in her shoulder.

A laugh resounded up faintly, and Lisa and I pulled apart, glancing at each other before walking back to the window, looking down.

Ben was laughing at something that Cas must've said or did, a small smile on Cas' face in response, his hands in my hoodie pockets.   
The moment was so gorgeous; Ben dirtied up from working, face split into a wide laugh, Cas' smile just barely there, but enough to seemingly be sunshine, dark hair dancing in the breeze and his skin looked an even deeper amber tone than normal.   
Cas seemed to sense us, looking up at the window, gaze landing on me, our eyes meeting.   
Lisa rubbed my shoulder, breaking the spell and I looked down at the cushions.

"He's still looking at you," she chuckled, and I rolled my eyes, stepping away from the window.

"Shut up," I muttered, stalking out of the room and Lisa laughed, following me to the edge of the stairs.

"How long has it been Dean? You and Cas together," Lisa queried.

"It's been off and on - complicated," I shrugged.

She nodded, gazing up at me.

"Does Sam know?"

I shook my head, my chest constricting at the thought of that conversation.

"You should tell him," she encouraged. "I think he'll be accepting."

"You think?" I shuffled my feet, turning my back to the window.

"Of course - he loves you Dean, and just like me, he wants you happy. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care about who makes you happy, just as long as you are."

I nodded, taking a breath.

"Thanks Lis."

She smiled affectionately, squeezing my hand.

"Goodbye Dean."

I nodded, pulling her in for one last hug, inhaling her hibiscus scented shampoo, feeling her soft skin, remembering her warm chocolate eyes.   
We pulled away, and with a final kiss on my cheek, I smiled slightly at her, walking out of the room, Lisa watching me go, her hands clasped together.   
I felt her eyes on me all the way to the edge of the stairs, and I took one last look at her, soft features, dark hair curling over her shoulder, that soft smile, before I stepped down the stairs, Lisa rising out of my sight as I descended.   
Despite the lightness in my chest, the burden lifted off of my shoulders, I still felt as if I was leaving a piece of myself behind.   
Maybe it was a part that was never supposed to stay with me, some part that I was meant to cultivate, learn from, savor, and flourish from, but once that plant had blossomed, to reap.   
It was just a small memory, a small time in my life, another part of my timeline.   
I descended the stairs, glancing around the house one last time, listening to the hum of the refrigerator, the whir of the washing machine in the other room.   
I smiled a little to myself, internally accepting my farewell, stepping over to the front door, putting my hand on the brass knob and twisting it.   
Stepping back outside, I was hit with a hot gust of wind, the thick smell of daisies and roses and freshly cut grass. Walking down the porch steps, Cas turned away from Ben, looking over at me, eyes a warm sea blue as I came to stand beside him.

"Don't drive stupid, you hear?" I nodded to Ben, who was leaning on his Pinto.

Ben rolled his eyes.

"Okay mom," he grinned. "You leaving?"

I felt Cas look back over at me, but I didn't look at him, keeping my gaze on Ben.

"Yeah."

Ben nodded.

"See you around."

"Maybe sooner than you think."

"Oh shut up Dean."

I chuckled, patting Ben's shoulder, who beamed at me, pushing himself off of his car and waving to Cas and I, going into the garage, the clink of tools being rummaged through soon filling the air.

"You're ready?" Cas asked, gazing at me still when I turned to look at him.

"Yeah," I nodded, rubbing my chin, stepping back over to him, gazing back over at the garage.

"You sure?" he said softly, his finger trailing over my fingers.

I nodded, not trusting my voice, letting Cas hold my hand, palm slotted to palm.   
Cas stepped in front of me, pressing two fingers to my forehead, and I took one last look around, internally saying goodbye before I closed my eyes.

Flashes of color illuminated the backs of my eyelids, my stomach dropping, then steadiness.   
I opened my eyes, blinking, gasping in terror to see that we were in blackness, Cas fading from me like a ghost.

"Dean?"

I blinked, Cas materializing before me, as did our motel room.

I blinked again, confused, glancing around.

"Are you alright?" Cas' head was tilted in concern, brows furrowed together, the tiny crease forming in-between them like a valley.

"Yeah," I cleared my throat, shaking my head, letting go of his hand, shrugging off my jacket.

"How do you feel?" Cas queried as he followed my lead of undressing, slipping into some sweatpants once he'd folded up and put our clothes away.

"Better," I admitted, not bothering to put a shirt on, sliding back into bed, Cas copying me.

"How was Lisa?" Cas pulled the covers back up around us, settling in, pulling me to him.

"Good," I let Cas pull me to him, resting my head on his shoulder. "She wasn't even mad. She was.. happy."

"Isn't that what you want?"

"Well yeah, just didn't really expect it," I admitted, growing weary as Cas rubbed soothing lines up and down my back. "She knew about you, because you were wearing my hoodie."

Cas hummed, a deep sound, his heart thumping against my ear.

"What'd she say?"

"She said it was about time," I chuckled. "That she'd had a feeling, but wasn't sure. She said I should marry you."

The words tumbled out of my mouth before I realized that I had been half musing it aloud to myself, and I noticed Cas' hand rubbing my back stuttered in its rhythmic pace before continuing.

A silence fell over the room, and I debated on pretending I had fallen asleep to ignore the awkwardness should Cas say anything. Then again, he probably wouldn't fall for that.

"What did you say?" Cas asked after some silence, some note of emotion in his voice that I couldn't define.

I opened my eyes again, staring at the dinosaur TV on the dresser along the white wall at the foot of the bed, our reflections gray, marred images, the lamp on Cas' side bright yellow.

"I didn't say anything," I murmured, and wishing to move on from the subject, I changed it quickly. "Cas?"

"Yes Dean?"

"When we get back, I would like to tell Sam.. about us."

He shifted, and I lifted my head up to look at him.

"Are you sure?" Cas ran his fingers through my hair, fingers gentle.

"Yeah," I nodded, looking down at his chest, the scar on his right collarbone.

"If you're ready, I'm ready."

I looked back up at him, his eyes warm and glimmering, as if he'd just passed a test with a commended score, and I couldn't help but smile at that.

"Night Cas."

"Goodnight Dean."

He leaned over to turn off the lamp, plunging us into darkness, the soft sound of the highway settling over us.

"Thank you," I said softly as I laid my head back down on his chest.

"You're welcome," he kissed the top of my head, and I turned to kiss him, his lips soft and warm against mine.

"I love you," Cas said suddenly, my chest flaming in warmth in response, and I felt myself smile.

"I know," I smiled, laying my head back down on his chest, Cas cradling me to him, ever so hot and warm, holding me tight as I drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh the feels I give myself writing this story. *sigh*
> 
> Also, all the feels you guys are giving me with all your sweet comments, thank you all so much; I feel so unworthy. :,) 
> 
> Thank you all again, and I hope you enjoyed!


	25. Sweet Emotion

  
Twenty Five

"Dean, wake up."

I groaned, rolling over, frowning when I noticed how hard and cold the bed was, gasping when I opened my eyes to see that I was lying on the floor in rusted metal.

"What the hell-" I exclaimed, shooting straight up in the sitting position, our hotel room looking like it had sat abandoned for about a hundred years overnight; everything in some state of decay. "What happened?!"

"I don't know." Cas was kneeling next to me in his trench coat, eyes roving the room with trepidation, and I could see his quandary with the situation and it sent chills up my spine. "I just woke up and we were here."

"Woke- but you don't sleep.."

He turned to look me in the eyes, his gaze so placid and empty, it scared me.

"I believe Deyanira's journal had a curse spell cast over it."

"So you mean we walked into a trap like I said we would."

Cas sighed, helping me to my feet.

"Yes, but it was very powerful magic that she must've warded from me, because I couldn't sense it. My grace is also weakened."

"Son of a bitch..." I rubbed the bridge of my nose, trying to collect my thoughts. "So... did we kill the world or something?"

"No," Cas muttered, stepping over to the window, peering through the dirty, cracked and broken glass. "We're not in our time."

"Yeah, you think Cojack?"

Cas rolled his eyes, turning back to me.

"I mean in a different dimension, Dean."

I scoffed, trying to keep the steadily building terror at bay.

"So you're telling me Nira tossed us down the rabbit hole and into Wonderland?"

He nodded.

"Awesome.." I muttered, rubbing my face wearily. "Well, we need to figure out how the hell we get out."

"I might be able to send you back if we can discover what realm we're in."

I was about to agree, say something about making a move on to get back home, but something he said caught my attention.

"You'd be coming with me, right?"

"Of course Dean." Cas gazed up at me, closing the distance between us, his fingers trailing over mine, and I spread my fingers to interlock our fingers.

"Okay," I took a breath, looking out the grimy window. "Then let's go Swayze this."

I expected Cas to make a move, but he didn't, and he was still gazing up at me with some odd expression when I turned to look back at him.

"What?" I furrowed my brows at him.

He said nothing, just pressed a soft kiss to my lips, a hint of something else there other than comfort and affection, but he pulled away before I could decipher or name it.

"Nothing," he said softly, and still holding my hand, he guided me outside.

Everything outside our hotel room was in even worse state; the parking lot almost a bed of limp, brown weeds, the once roaring highway deathly silent, and all the buildings were either crumbling into the ground or appearing as rotting tombstones, the names lost to time. All of it was a disturbing sight, but nothing was as bad as seeing Baby.   
She was barely even recognizable; her whole frame was brown with rust, none of her sleek, black shine even there. She was so far gone, she was almost a pile of corroded metal into the cracked and broken pavement.

"Oh Baby..." I mourned, letting go of Cas' hand, stepping over to investigate further, the glass from her left headlight yellowed and fogged up in the metal.

Hell, if anyone would've ever have mistreated her this badly, I would've skinned them alive and killed them, because this was a damn tragedy.

"Perhaps we should go there." Cas said suddenly, gazing off into the distance, and I followed his gaze.

I suddenly noticed the mostly intact multi-level building about three blocks away and across the old highway.

"Yeah, that sounds good."

I frowned at my rust pile of a car one last time, a flash of movement out of the corner of my eye catching my attention.

"Were we alone in our room?" I asked, looking back inside the window to our room, the room devoid of any explanation to the flicker of movement I saw.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Nothing," I leaned back. "I thought I saw something, but I guess not."

"What did you see, Dean?"

I stepped back over to him, shrugging.

"Don't worry about it. Anyways, we should start walking, who knows if it'll get dark."

Cas nodded, taking my hand in his again, and we started making our way towards the building.

Normally, I would've tried to find some way to let go of Cas' hand, because I didn't really care for constant contact, much less handholding. I rarely even did it with Lisa.   
But something about the moment, the underlying fear and definite uncertainty, the emptiness in the air, made the clammy warmth of his hand comforting, and I didn't want to let him go.   
I was given less and less incentive to let go of his hand as we walked down a slight decline and onto the silent freeway.   
It was strange, and that instant feeling of fear and adrenaline pumped through me standing in a spot where normally I would be killed, and I half expected a car to roar down the highway and kill Cas and I both.   
But of course, it was silent; various cars, trucks and eighteen wheelers rusting and decaying on the road like the people driving them had just parked and never came back. It was also strange to me how there was no signs of life; no bugs, no birds, no noises of people, or any rotting bodies inside any of the cars. It seemed that Cas and I were the only things breathing air, and it didn't help my anxiety. Even the trees, grass, and weeds weren't very lively; the trees were devoid of leaves, with skinny, sickly branches reaching up wearily towards the sky, as if crying for rain. The grass wasn't even green, just a dull brown, as if tired with trying to grow.  
Cas and I jumped over the median fence, then crossed the opposite side, trudging up the incline, the tall, mostly intact building somewhat closer.

"Maybe we should look inside there." Cas pointed to a smaller building, broken and faded letters hanging on the front, and only the red _G_ and _R_ were visible.

"Yeah," I agreed, steering Cas in the direction of it, noticing there wasn't even a breath of wind. "Looks like that was a grocery store."

Arriving at the entrance, Cas and I kicked in the grimy glass, the shattering seemingly as loud as a bomb in the empty silence.   
Stepping inside, our feet crunching over the glass like fresh snow, darkness opened its wide gaping mouth to us, and I could barely see the start of the aisles.

"Maybe there's a newspaper, or something," I muttered, letting go of Cas' hand and looking around. "Damn, I wish we had a flashlight..."

I heard some rustling around, then a snap, and there was an orange light.

I looked back over at Cas to find that he had grabbed a wooden stick from something and set it on fire with his grace, handing it to me.

"Thanks." I took the makeshift torch, turning back around and walking along the wall with it, Cas silently following me.

Aside from the crackling of the torch - which seemed like Cas was controlling - and our combined footfalls, I was getting the sense that we were walking into an empty tomb, and I wasn't sure if it was meant to be ours.

"Now we're cookin'," I muttered, finding an old plastic newspaper stand, but I swore to see that the paper was so old and yellowed, it was hardly legible. "Damn it.."

Cas stepped over, carefully removing the top newspaper, revealing a second newspaper, and although it wasn't in much better state than the first one, the dates were legible.

"November twenty ninth, twenty something..." I read, unable to make out the last two numbers, furrowing my brows. "Wasn't that.. _today_ Cas? The date of the night we stopped at the hotel?"

"Yes," Cas face was scrunched up in brooding thought and confusion. "But I don't understand, for the state of decay everything is in, it should be approximately three hundred sixty seven years later.."

" _Three_ hun-" I took a breath, stopping myself. "What the hell."

"I don't know, Dean, although..." Cas paused, looking away from me, but not fast enough before I saw something skitter across his face.

"Cas, what is it?" I asked warily.

"I feel like I know this place, but I cannot recall why," he looked back over at me, his gaze stoic again.

"Well if we run across a few people, I'll send you after them to use your angel mojo; maybe it'll jog your memory."

I laughed, making my way around Cas to go back outside, but he put his hand on my shoulder, stopping me.

"Dean, were you referencing that time when I had forgotten who I was and went by the name Emanuel?"

"Oh right!" I chuckled. "I thought that's what your name was then, but I wasn't sure. Why?"

He frowned, pursing his lips.

"Dean, I'm fairly certain it was my smiting of _demons_ that revived my memories, not humans."

I blinked, confused, the memories hazy.

"You sure? I could've sworn it was a group of douchebags."

He nodded, and I shrugged.

"Well, it looks like the sun is setting," I nodded out the entrance at the slowly darkening sky. "We should get a move on."

Cas nodded in agreement, and him and I walked back onto the street towards the building.   
It didn't take us long, and although Cas offered to zap us there, I refused, not exactly liking the idea of being space warped.   
The building appeared to be an old hospital, and I tried remembering if I had seen a sign for one on the the drive to our motel, but I couldn't.

"Do you think we're the only things alive here?" I mused to Cas, my hand in his again.

"It seems plausible at this point, I don't sense anything." Cas looked up at the building, eyes roving the structure critically.

I sighed.

"What do you remember reading?"

"From what, Dean?"

I shrugged.

"You mentioned reading earlier, didn't that have something to do with this whole thing?" I gestured to our surroundings for emphasis.

Cas frowned, cocking his head slightly.

"Are you feeling alright Dean?"

"I feel fine, why?"

"You seem to be having trouble remembering things."

"I remember things just fine."

"Then where did you get this?" he stopped in front of me, gently reaching down and picking up a medallion that I hadn't really realized was hanging on my neck, holding it high enough to be in my line of sight.

I furrowed my brows, staring at the silver sigil that glowed orange in the setting sunlight, feeling that I knew the answer, but I couldn't remember, the memory on the tip of my tongue.

_Had I bought it? No... that didn't feel right... A gift then? From who? Didn't I have a brother? Would he have given it to me? No, that felt wrong too..._

"I bought it..?" I shrugged, giving up.

Hurt and fear filled his eyes, and I hated it, wishing I could've taken back my words, said the right answer.

_But why didn't I remember?_

"I made it and gave it to you, Dean... Last night."

I frowned, shifting my grip on our makeshift torch, which was still burning.

"Why can't I remember Cas..?"

His faced was pained as he shook his head slightly, as much at a loss as me.

"I don't know, Dean."

I chewed on my bottom lip, Cas and I gazing at each other.   
I wanted to comfort him, pull him to my arms, wrap my body around his and kiss him. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that we'd figure this out, and we'd make it out alive.   
I wanted to, but I couldn't bring myself to, because I _didn't_ know that. I could barely remember what we had done to get to this spot where we were standing, and I could feel the rest of myself draining away from me like water through a sieve.   
I wanted to keep it from Cas as long as I could, but now that he'd pointed out that I couldn't even remember something as menial as a gift he'd given me, I was noticing that there were a lot of other holes now.   
I couldn't even remember my own friggin birthday, what my parents names were, and if they were still alive, and I could barely remember what my brother looked like. I couldn't even remember his _name_.

_I couldn't even remember the color of my own eyes._

I absently wondered if all my memories would leave until I was left empty.

"What's the point of going in that building?" I pointed to the building we were heading to, changing the subject. "It won't get us out of here, there won't be some secret door that'll take us back home."

"It might give us clues to where we are."

"Yeah, zombieland of yesterday's past. I don't think an empty friggin building will tell us."

Cas sighed, and I instantly felt guilty, knowing negativity was not what we needed now.

"I'm sorry.." I reached out, wrapping my fingers around his, Cas hand limp in mine.

"If you have any other suggestions, I'm open to them," Cas said softly, finally intertwining his fingers with mine, and it sent a surge of comforting warmth through my chest.

"Maybe it'll be safe enough for me to sleep in if need be." I tried finding a positive aspect to our situation, but I knew it was about as comforting to Cas as it was with me knowing that we were lost to time and space.

_Maybe somewhere beyond the stars._

But Cas and I had gotten lost before, hadn't we? We were still here, weren't we?

"Maybe there's a way out." I offered.

"Possibly."

Cas had looked away from me, and I saw that look in his eyes, that distance.

"Cas, we'll find it."

"You don't know if there even is one, Dean."

"I'll find it if there is one."

He sighed.

"I could potentially kill you or explode you while going through the portal if there is one, Dean; I'm not going to put your life at risk like that."

I didn't understand what he meant by portal, but I only heard one thing:

"Well, I won't leave you here alone!"

My yelling rang through the silence, and we fell silent.

I took a breath, running a hand over my face.

"We'll cross that place when we get to it," I muttered through my fingers.

"Okay," Cas said softly, and although he had agreed, I couldn't shake this strange feeling that he really hadn't.

I sighed, about to comment on that, when a strange, blood curling howl rang through the dusk air.

"What the hell was that?" I muttered lowly, looking around the dilapidated buildings for the source, though I had a feeling that I didn't want to find it.

"I don't know," Cas gently pulled me into motion, walking towards the old hospital building. "But I think it would be wise to take cover."

I hummed in agreement, hurrying with him to the building, jogging across the courtyard as another howl rang out, this one joined with a second howl, this one sounding closer and deeper that the first, sending chills up my spine.   
The front doors were mostly intact, the glass cracked, but they opened with a few tugs, and Cas and I were quick to close them, pushing an old desk behind them to act as a lock.

"Let's make sure there aren't more doors they can get into." Cas said, stepping away from the doors.

"You think it's safe to stay in here?" I queried warily.

"We have to." Cas gazed placidly at me, and again, I was struck with the feeling that something with the way he was looking at me was bad, though the reason as to why was just on the tip of my tongue.

Another howl, this one louder and longer.

"Go block off all the doors down that hallway, I'll block off the ones on this side."

"Okay," I said softly, not wanting to let go of his hand, a dark, eerie feeling creeping over me.

"Pray for me if you need me," Cas said softly, squeezing my hand gently before stepping away and turning to run down the hallway, footsteps pounding in the silence.

Once he disappeared around the corner, I started jogging down the opposite hallway, the makeshift torch my only source of light as I focused hard on remembering my task.   
The shadows the flame cast in the empty rooms that I ran past were eerie, like shadow figures, all trying to suck me into the dark and consume me.   
It spurred me on, and I followed a trail of exit signs, rounding the corner and nearly tripped in my haste to stop.   
Coming through the exit door I was about to block off, was a huge, jet black shadow creature. It looked similar to a hellhound, but sleeker, and far more intimidating.   
It heard me, huge diamond shaped head whipping towards me, blood red eyes flashing with malevolence, snarling at me, white Sabertooth Tiger-like teeth revealing themselves.   
I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, my stomach twisted into taffy from terror.   
Neither of us moved, and it wasn't until a second creature coming in and reacting to me in a series of spats, did I move.   
I turned tail and sprinted down the hallway, the creatures baying and howling behind me.

" _Cas!_ " I yelled, almost breathless, skidding around a corner. "There are some freaky ass creatures after me, I'm heading up to the second floor!"

I yanked open the emergency door to the stairwell, fumbling to lock it behind me, a burst of wind behind me causing me to shriek.

"Dean, it's me." Cas exclaimed hurriedly, touching my shoulder briefly.

"Damn it..." I huffed, bolting the lock and running up the stairs with Cas.

He said nothing, and I tripped over a stair when the locked door burst open, the sound of the door being slammed against the wall like a bomb in the confined space.   
Cas didn't miss a beat, hauling me up to my feet, and we ran up the last few steps to the second floor, but a pair of red eyes down the hallway changed our directions.

"Go back, go back, _go back_." I shoved Cas back into the stairwell, closing the door, unable to lock it because the shadow creatures were rounding the bottom corner of the stairs as Cas and I came back inside the stairwell.

We ran up the next flight of stairs, and I swore as I painfully scraped my leg across an exposed piece of metal from the railings as we rounded the corner, my jeans ripping with the endeavor.   
I struggled to keep my pace and stay away from the terrifying creatures, who kept up with us with no signs of fatigue.   
We made it the fourth floor when I tripped again, slamming down hard on my knee, Cas barely saving me from rolling backwards.   
He yanked me up to my feet, his eyes wide in terror, and it made my stomach drop about a thousand feet in an instant.   
He helped me out into the hallway, slamming the stairwell door behind us after locking it, breaking off the door knob with ease.   
I struggled to keep going, looking this way and that for an extra stairwell, or safe place, just _something_ to help us.

"In here," Cas suddenly said, grabbing my arm and tugging me towards a room, pulling me inside, and I was gasping for air, my lungs and legs burning from pain and exertion, and it felt like my leg was still bleeding.

I heard a clicking of a lock, then footsteps, then a heavy door being slammed shut. Cas was panting slightly, and I could barely see him, the only source of light was the tiny window that framed a portion of the moon, Cas' skin a milky white.

We stood in silence, frozen, and Cas beckoned for me to stand next to him. I limped my way over to him, and he gently pushed me to stand on the wall beside him, his body flatted against the wall, body taunt as a bowstring as he listened.   
I suddenly noticed that the door had a small, vertical, rectangular metal grated window.

_They can see we're in here..._

I panted softly through my mouth, my mouth completely dry, and I didn't move, straining my ears so hard to hear anything, that I could hear my own pounding heartbeat pulsing in my ears, and Cas' soft breaths.   
I trailed my fingers along the cold wall, over its fading, crude black drawings and illegible writings, and I eventually found Cas' hand, wrapping my fingers around his hand.   
He wrapped his fingers back around mine, his fingers squeezing my hand a bit too tightly, but I didn't care. I wanted to feel him there, make sure that among my slowly darkening, emptying mind, that he was still tangible; not a fading dreamlike haze like all my memories were slowly becoming.   
I absently wondered why that sounded like a disease, when a loud crash made the walls tremble as if they were as terrified as us.   
Loud snarls and hisses filled the hallway outside the room, and I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, knowing that if they found us and broke in, we would be trapped.

_Empty out of luck._

My body was wrack with cold sweat, and I tried keeping myself together for Cas' sake, but I didn't even realize I was quivering from the fright until he gently squeezed my clammy hand, silently trying to comfort me in an impossible situation.   
I could feel myself being reduced to my base instincts; fear, denial, _not wanting to die._  
I stopped breathing when there was loud snuffing at the door, a silence, time frozen, and I felt the terrified angel's pulse racing like one of those creatures on the chase.  
It might've been years later, or maybe seconds, but I heard a resigned snuff, then collaborative huffs of breath, then nails scraping across tile floors, and I sagged against the wall as I heard them move on.

"We need to get out of here." I whispered.

"We need to bandage your wound first." He disagreed, looking over at me, reaching up to fumble with his tie.

"I'm fine, let's go before they come back," I hissed, desperate to leave, run miles away from those damned creatures.

I wanted to go somewhere, although I couldn't say where or had a picture in my mind for _where_ was, just a feeling.

"Do you _want_ them to be able to follow us from your blood?" He was whispering now. "Do you _want_ to bleed out, Dean?" He retorted, pulling his tie off, kneeling down. "Lift your leg."

I said nothing, bracing myself against the wall, chewing on what he had called me.

_Dean... Was that my name?_

But as he rolled up my jeans, I stumbled, forgetting my thoughts, unprepared for the sharp agony shooting up my spine, barely catching myself before I nearly fell to the floor. He paused, helping me sit down, leaning me against the wall before resuming his work. He softly hushed me as he rolled up my jean pant leg for my left leg, which in some areas blood had already begun to dry and stick to my skin and it hurt like a son of a bitch when he separated fabric and skin.   
Once I got some semblance back, I lifted my head off of the wall, looking down at my leg.   
I couldn't see much, but there was just one long jagged cut straight up my leg, about an inch above my ankle, to almost my knee, and it was bad, telling by the blood just oozing out of it.   
The man cleaning my wound shrugged off his coat, and with one, quick, effortless motion, ripped one of the sleeves off, pausing for a second, listening, and I did too.   
It was so quiet, I could hear my own heartbeat, and after a couple more beats, he resumed his work, gently but firmly wrapping the fabric up my leg, tying it firmly in place with his tie.

"Is that too tight?" He asked softly, looking up at me.

I shook my head, not trusting my voice to not betray the agony that was pulsing through my leg, feeling a bit lightheaded and woozy on top of it.

He nodded, staying kneeled at my feet, and I could barely see his face since his back was to the tiny window, but his shoulders were squared, a stance that gave me the impression that he was leaving.

"Where are you going?" I whispered, my gut twisting nervously.

He looked over at me, though I still couldn't really see his face.

"I won't let you die, Dean."

"What do you mean? Who's Dean?"

He sighed softly, shoulders rising and falling softly with his breath as he crept forward to kneel next to me, some emotion flickering over his face making my stomach twist coldly.

" _You_ are Dean, and the creatures outside want to kill us."

"Why? Who are you?"

His face twisted at my question, but I couldn't understand why.

"Because that's all they know, and I'm Castiel. Dean, don't you remember who I am?"

_Castiel... What an oddly interesting name..._

I shook my head, gasping at sudden pain shooting up my leg.

"What's wrong with me, Cas?"

"You were injured while we were running," Cas explained, keeping me from picking at the thing wrapped around my leg, his hand wrapping around mine, and despite my slowly building hysteria, it comforted me.

"Why were we running?"

"So we wouldn't be killed."

"Then shouldn't we be running now?"

"Dean, you're in no position to do anything; your leg needs stitches and I can't heal you, nor could I carry you and outrun those creatures. I have just enough grace to send you back home."

"Where are we?" I asked, trying to comprehend the situation.

He sighed wearily, gazing off into space before looking at me and speaking slowly, his voice so low and haunting, it sent chills up my back: "The Empty."

"The _what?_ " I demanded, a tiny part of me feeling like I'd heard the term before, but as with all my other memories, it was just on the cusp of my mind, but too far away to reach.

"The Empty," he repeated, his skin as pallid as his voice under the moonlight. "It's the place where the worst creatures go; creatures that are too dangerous for hell or purgatory. It's called The Empty, because nothing can thrive here," he nodded over to me. "I began to suspect it when you started loosing your memories; it is aptly named, because in The Empty, you lose yourself. You loose your memories first, then your acumen, then your identity, till you have nothing but your base instincts. You become nothing but an empty, hollow shell, eaten and decayed from the inside out until you become as mindless and volatile as those creatures outside."

"So were those creatures like- me?" I asked, unable to remember what I was called.

"Human?" He supplied, and I nodded.

"No," he shook his head. "Humans aren't meant to be here, which is why every angel knows a banishing spell to send misplaced humans back to earth."

"Ban-" I broke off, trying to process what he was saying, unable to hear but one thing:

_"-send misplaced humans back to earth."_

"You'll be coming with me, right?" I asked, reaching out for him, the gentle creature.

He looked down at the floor, checking my bandage, not returning my wanting, and even though I couldn't remember how or why I knew that his silence was bad, I knew.

"You're coming..." I whispered, my voice catching in my throat, my chest constricting in fear. "You.. you _have_ to..."

"No," he disagreed softly, clasping my hand, and I jumped when the door shook, snarls and howls filling the hallways as the creatures found us, and I gave up on whispering.

"No, I won't leave you here, I _won't_ ," I hissed, but somehow my voice came out as needy, but I didn't care, pulling the warm creature towards me, my fingers clutching his so tightly, I could dimly feel my desecrated mind trying to tell me to let off some of the pressure, but I didn't care.

"You will," he said softly, moving to kneel beside me. "You're going to go back to Sam, and get to know Jazz just as well as I knew her."

"I don't know them!" I yelled, my voice bouncing off of the walls, a sharp snarl sounding in response, but I barely heard it. "I know _you_ , and I won't leave you!"

"Dean..." He tried to hush me, but I went on, livid, trying not to feel that hollowness, that aching foreboding sense of empty loss that I felt that I knew, but couldn't recall how.

" _Who_ is Dean?" I screamed, and I suddenly realized tears were streaming down my face, and I couldn't breathe; I was so bewildered, lost, and terrified. "I don't know what's happening..."

He merely hushed me again, ignoring the violent scratching at the door, pressing a gentle kiss to my forehead, cupping my face in his hands, his lips lingering on my skin, and it comforted me, despite how alien it was to me.

"Let me do this for you," he said softly, holding me in his his arms, ignoring my confusion as he cupped the back of my head against him. "You don't remember him, but you have a younger brother named Sam. You have saved the world together, and he loved you enough to release my father's sister to cure you of The Mark of Cain. He loves you, Dean, and he is undoubtedly worried about you. You need to go back to him."

"But what about you," I whispered, clutching him as tightly as I could to me, my muscles burning from the effort, because I felt that he was the only thing keeping me together.

He took a long, heavy breath, his body shuddering for a brief moment before it was still again.

"I love you, Dean."

"What?" I whispered, still trying to figure out if I was Dean and why he loved me, if I was Dean.

I couldn't find any answers to my questions in my mind, only emptiness.  
I could barely even find the words to name my feelings anymore, much less grasp the situation.

_Why couldn't I remember anything? Who was this gentle creature and what was my name? Who was I?_

"I love you, Dean." He simply repeated, kissing my forehead again, long, slowly and tenderly.

"What?" I swallowed thickly, breathing in his sweet scent, jumping at the terrifying howls outside. "T-there's something outside..."

The warm creature just held me, completely ignoring the animals outside.

"There is Dean - which is why I'm sending you home."

"Why? Aren't you my home?"

I felt him shudder again, as if my words were breaking him, but he stopped, the door rattling with the damned creatures outside still trying to get in.

"Please..." He whispered.

"Don't send me away..."

"Don't make me see you _die_."

I stopped at that, my fingers digging into his shirt.

"I'll die with you."

"I won't let you do that."

"It's _my_ goddamn life!" I shouted, my body quivering with grief, confusion and rage, the creatures baying outside, echoing my emotions.

"Dean, if you leave, you have a chance of rescuing me," he said softly, levelly, and I felt some inkling of emotion at that, but I didn't have the word to name it. "Besides, you can't help me if you don't recall anything."

"Do you think?" I prodded, willing to do anything to save him.

"Yes," he said quickly, with more conviction. "You can go for assistance."

I mulled it over, the door rattling loosely quickly making my decision.

"Yes," I whispered, an ache coursing through my chest at the word, and it felt like I had a fresh wound in my chest that rivaled the gash in my leg.

"Okay," he agreed, and I reluctantly released him, watching him jump to his feet and I glanced over at the door, a slight hole being carved out by the beasts claws around the lock. Snarls and howls filling the air in a terrifying, bloodcurdling harmony.

I looked back over at the man, who had cut himself with a silver stick of some sort, drawing something on the wall in his own blood.   
I absently tried remembering what I had just agreed to, whipping my head back over at the door as I heard the wall crack from the creature throwing itself against it, and I could feel the force of the vibrations from it through my back.

"Come on Dean."

I looked back over at the man, who was already hauling me up to my feet, and I gasped, wondering how and why in the hell my leg was hurting so bad, trying to focus on walking over to the painting the man had made.   
He helped lean me on the wall in the center of the drawing, glancing over at the door as the wall cracked again, before looking back at me.

"Dean, do you remember Sam? Or the bunker?"

I shook my head, my voice caught in my throat.

"Do you remember the feeling?"

I took a breath, struggling to remember.   
Nothing visually came to mind, but warmth, safety, and happiness came to mind when I thought of those two words, and I held onto those feelings, trying to pull more from them, maybe a picture.

I nodded, and I was pleased with the small smile on his face.

"Good, I want you to remember that. Think hard about it Dean, and _don't_ stop thinking about it, okay?"

I nodded, willing to do anything for those eyes, even let him call me Dean - even though I had no idea who he was - while trying to ignore the throbbing in my leg as I watched the man prepare himself.

"Come with me," I whispered, panic starting to rise in my chest when he stepped back. "Don't leave me-"

"I'm here," he soothed me, stepping back forward, holding my hands tightly in his, and I watched his milky pale lips as he started speaking something I couldn't understand, the air growing cold around us, the creature's loud, insistent cries being drowned out with the howl of wind that began to circulate through the room.

I noticed a blue glow filling the room, emanating from behind me, and I looked over my shoulder to see these scribbles on the wall were glowing a bright blue, slowly growing brighter by the second. I faced back forward when it got too bright for my eyes, until all I could see was the beautiful creature in front of me, eyes shining a matching bright blue.

"Come with me." I said over the howl of the wind, the man pausing in his incantation.

"I love you," he merely replied, pressing a hasty kiss to my lips much to my surprise, one that I wanted to return, but the abrupt, sudden realization that I was loosing him choked me, paralyzed me.

I couldn't breathe, the depth of the sudden pain punching straight through me. I felt like my entire world was being ripped out from underneath me, and there was nothing left to do now but fall, fall, fall.

I wanted to reply to that, do _something_ , but I couldn't remember how, or how to do what I wanted.

He said one last word, something that sent a harsh burst of wind and blue light up in a bright brilliance, and I was scrambling to find his hands when they were wrenched away from mine, the lack of contact jarring and terrifying.

_Oh god where are they- where is he?_

I flailed around, scrambling to find them, but I kept right on falling - falling farther and farther and deeper and deeper.

And the beautiful creature was nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty guys, I'm sad to say it, but that's the last chapter of this story, but I've been in the midst of writing the sequel. ^-^ It'll come out soon, although I'm not entirely sure when. I'll post an update on this story to let you guys know once I post the sequel!
> 
> But I hope you enjoyed, and a thousand thanks for reading, all the kudos and lovely comments. I truly appreciate each and every single read, kudos, and comment, thank you. 
> 
> So until the next story, 
> 
> \- Destinee


	26. Sequel!!

To continue the story, go to my bio and click on 'Falling' to continue the story! cx


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